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toward high-nurturance family relationships |
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How Divorce Mediators Can Help
Prevent Family Stress and
Divorce
p. 1 of 2
By
Peter K. Gerlach, MSW |
 The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/prevent/mediators.htm
This article is under
construction
|
This article is for student and professional mediators in
any setting, and the people who train, certify, license,
hire, evaluate, and support them. The article is specially
relevant to professional divorce and child-custody. Similar
articles focus on
attorneys,
judges,
and
mental-health,
social
casework,
medical,
and
law-enforcement professionals who are interested in
preventing epidemic family stress and emotional and
legal divorce. |
[file:///C:/prf/SI/prevent/insert-prf-prev.htm]
The article provides perspective and options on how you as a professional
divorce mediator can significantly help your
clients,
colleagues, and the courts (a) provide more
effective help to divorcing couples, and (b) help to prevent family
stress and psychological and legal divorce trauma.
To start, learn something important
about yourself:
-
I'm confident my
is
my
right now. (True
False ? Not sure) If a
false self rules you,
you'll get less from this article and series, and be less effective as a
mediator.
-
I'm clear
enough on the main reasons typical couples divorce. (T F ?)
Try saying the reasons out loud.
-
I'm clear on
(a) the three phases of
and (b) the common psychological impacts of divorce on typical adults
and kids (T F ?)
-
I believe
the main reasons typical troubled couples seek or need mediation are
(what, specifically?)
-
I define effective mediation as (what, specifically?)
-
If I knew a
practical way I could help to prevent divorce rather than mediate
it, I would act on it (T F ?)
Why Do So Many Americans Divorce?
Compare your
opinion to mine, which comes from
29 years'
clinical research on troubled family relationships, and
69 years' life experience:
|
Most
divorce is caused by mates' unawareness of psychological
from
childhood and ignorance of several key
These
combine to promote many couples' marrying (and re/marrying) the wrong
for the wrong
at the wrong
|
Psychological wounds means some combination of...
-
dysfunction (
dominance); which causes...
-
excessive shame, guilts, and/or fears;
and...
-
major reality and trust distortions.
Combined,
these can cause...
-
difficulty feeling and bonding
(forming psychological attachments) with other living things, including
a benign
Typical wounded people (a) come from
childhoods, (b) unconsciously choose wounded people as partners and
associates; (c) choose unhealthy lifestyles and settings, despite painful
outcomes;
(d) wound their kids, and (e) are prone to significant illness and
premature death, unless
they start recovering from false-self dominance by mid-life or sooner.
Ignorance (vs. stupidity)
means not knowing about...
-
these wounds, their
effects, and what to
about
them; and...
-
effective
communication,
grieving; and
relationship basics;
and...
-
Typical
American co-parents who re/marry are also ignorant of stepfamily
basics,
realities,
and
A
majority eventually re/divorce psychologically or legally.
Does
this differ from why you think so
many U.S.
couples divorce?
If
the premise above is true, some key implications are: (a) the professions of divorce mediation
and marital counseling exist because typical wounded, ignorant couples don't
know how to
effectively; (b) mediators who only focus on couples' negotiating skills are
missing their clients' primary problems; and (c)
mediation success can
increase if mediators and human-service colleagues alert couples to
their wounds and ignorances and the major benefits from proactively reducing them.
How do you feel about each of these ideas? What would the professionals who
taught and certified you say about them? What would your clients say?
What is Effective Mediation?
You,
your clients, colleagues, and family-law judges and attorneys may have
different opinions, depending on how you answer these questions:
-
who
is your client: the conflicted couple? The couple and their
attorneys and judge? The couple's present nuclear family? The couple's
family and their descendents?
-
what
is the main problem: a divorce-settlement impasse? The couple's
inability to problem-solve? The couple's wounds and ignorance? The
court's need to resolve this legal dispute?
-
what
is your time frame: the present? The duration of your mediation
process? The duration of this legal case? The remainder of the couples'
lives? This and future generations?
-
what
is your professional responsibility? To...
-
Help conflicted couples negotiate a
stable compromise?
-
Comply with the ethical and legal
requirements of your profession?
-
Teach the couple how to problem-solve
effectively?
-
Alert the couple to their wounds and
ignorances?
-
Motivate them to reduce these?
-
Comply with a court order on this legal
case?
-
All of these?
-
All of the these and - within your
limits - alert others in your
organization, region, and profession, to these prevention topics?
Premise: minimally-effective mediation helps conflicted couples reach a
stable compromise, and/or is a best-effort compliance with court orders and
professional standards. Fully-effective
mediation:
-
teaches each couple how to resolve their own impasses
effectively,
-
motivates them to reduce their wounds and ignorances
for their and their descendents' sakes,
-
satisfies current court orders
and alerts the legal professionals involved to false-self wounds and related
ignorances; and...
-
honors your integrity and raises your self respect.
Notice your
to this
proposal. If
you agree with it, see what you think about these...
Options for Fully-effective Mediation
A basic premise here is that
unawareness of false-self wounds and communication and relationship
fundamentals promotes most personal and interpersonal problems - like
those your clients present to you. This premise, suggests at least five
options toward your achieving fully-effective professional outcomes:
-
(a)
study at least three of the five prevention topics in this series - recovery
from false-self
and effective-communication and relationship
basics. Then (b) apply each of
these honestly in your own life to gain experiential knowledge,
motivation, and credibility.
-
assess and alert receptive client-couples to the concept
of recovery from false-self wounds, and how such wounds may be
contributing to their present impasse. Recommend that they (a) adopt a
long-term view, (b) study wounding and recovery basics, and (c) assess
themselves honestly for significant wounds.
-
(a)
expand your present knowledge and style of communicating and problem-solving
(mediation) to include these communication basics and skills. As you do, (b)
alert your client couples to these basics and
and suggest they focus on learning and applying them to resolve their
present and future conflicts. If they agree, coach them as appropriate.
-
If
appropriate, invite your clients to (a) choose a long-term outlook, and (b)
reappraise their ideas about effective relationships - specially if they
have dependent kids.
-
Alert (a) re/married clients to stepfamily
basics,
and key resources;
and (b) divorcing
bioparents to the great
future value of learning these stepfamily topics.
One at a time, imagine acting on each of these
options, and notice what your
(ruling subselves) say.
Is your true Self guiding your
other subselves now? Reflect: how do
you want to think about
your professional conduct and achievements as you approach old age and death?
Let's look more closely at each of these
five
options...
1) Gain Personal Experience
Earlier pages in this series provide rationale
and guidelines for your (a)
yourself honestly for false-self wounds, and (b) upgrading your
communication and relationship knowledge and skills as needed.
Options:
review this comparison of
behavioral traits and these communication
and relationship quizzes, and see what you
learn about yourself. If you're in a stepfamily, also study and apply
these basics, and assess your
strengths.
As you do each of these, imagine typical client-couples' reactions to
doing what you're doing.
Reluctance to self-assess suggests a
may be making your (or their) decisions. If so, that has major
and professional implications.
On a scale of one (I'm not interested) to 10 (I'm very
motivated), how would you rate your desire to self-assess and apply
these topics now?
2) Assess
and Alert Your Clients to Wounds and Recovery
Personal and professional experience over six decades has convinced me
that couples who separate, divorce, or endure toxic marriages don't know
they each have significant false-self
If this is true, it
implies that (a) all
your client couples are significantly wounded, and (b) need to be
alerted about this by "someone." Couples who are forced to hire a
mediator by the court are surely wounded and ignorant.
This inexorably confronts you and your colleagues with an
ethical decision: are you
morally responsible for alerting your clients to the concept of wounds
and recovery options even if they or the courts don't ask you to? A
dominant false self will persuade you "I'm not responsible," or will shame you for not
alerting your clients. An alluring persuasion sounds like:
"I'm
not a therapist, so I'm not qualified (or responsible) to assess
and/or alert my clients to "personality wounds."
Reality:
once you study wounding and
recovery basics, you'll have enough
wisdom and information to judge whether clients are wounded and
receptive to being alerted. You don't need a degree, license, or someone
else's permission to do this. This is also true for assessing each important
relationship in your life for significant wounds and unawareness.
You can train yourself to routinely
judge whether each client
couple you work with (a) shows
signs of significant false-self
wounds, and (b) are receptive enough to your alerting them to such
wounds, their effects, and how to reduce them. Your alternatives are
indifference or
assuming the clients need to be alerted, and "letting the universe" decide
whether they receive and act on your alerts.
When you feel that (a) initial trust and respect have been established
with your clients and (b) you have a clear
initial sense of what your clients need from you, you can assess their
receptivity to an alert by asking something like...
"I suspect that what you believe
is causing your frustration and stress is not the real problem. Are
you open to my professional opinion on what your two primary
problems are?"
Most clients will be curious, and say
"Yes." After you hilight wounds and communication-skill unawarenesses,
their reactions will probably be...
-
genuine interest and desire for more information,
or..
-
pretended (pseudo) interest, with no real desire to
learn more (a false-self
or...
-
defensiveness and denials like "We didn't come here
to talk about psychobabble," or "The judge ordered us to come here
to (resolve our impasse), not to get therapy."
At the least, give your clients this
summary or
booklet on
normal personality subselves, this
summary of the five
false-self wounds and their impacts, and this
comparison of
true-Self and false-self behaviors.
Options:
(a) refer receptive clients to (or give them a copy of) this real-life
example of false-self wounds in action (www.sfhelp.org/example.htm);
and (b) refer them to any local
qualified therapists who specialize in helping people recover from
traumatic childhoods.
Ideally they will have training and experience in some form of
See the practitioner directory
here.
 Continue...
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Updated
August 28, 2008
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