Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents

How Motivational Consultants
Can Help Prevent Family Stress
and Divorce

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/prevent/motivators.htm

       This article is written to women and men who are professionally committed to inspiring and motiva-ting other people to be all they can be, and achieve personal and professional excellence within their limits. It's also written to people who train, certify, hire, evaluate, and support professional motivators. Similar articles are written to professional clergy, and human-resource, life-coach, and mental-health pros interested in preventing family stress and emotional and legal divorce.  

Note - this model and series was originally designed to focus on effective clinical work with typical di-vorcing families and stepfamilies. It is being reorganized in 2009 to pertain to all "low-nurturance" (multi-problem, "dysfunctional") families, and persons recovering from early-childhood trauma ("Grown Wounded Children" - GWCs). Sections still hilight keys to serving divorcing and stepfamily members effectively.

        Clicking links here will open a new window or an informational popup, so turn off your browser's popup blocker or accept popups from this nonprofit site. If the windows distract you, read the article before following any links.

        This article is one of a series on effective professional counseling, coaching, and therapy with (a) low-nurturance (dysfunctional) families and with (b) typical survivors of childhood neglect and trauma. These articles for professionals are under construction.

        This series assumes you're familiar with these ideas:

        Before continuing, pause and reflect - why are you reading this article? What do you need?

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        This article is written to people with the talent, drive, and calling to motivate other people to find their life purpose and strive to be all they can be. Some gifted teachers, clergy, managers, coaches, directors, and counselors do this naturally in working with students, employees, clients, players, and patients.

        Other people specialize professionally in motivating others toward personal excellence, achievement, and fulfillment. On a scale of one (no importance) to ten (high importance), how would you rank your personal need (vs. professional duty) to motivate other people now?  If you rank yourself high, you have...

A Rare Opportunity...

        My experience over six decades on earth and counseling others professionally since 1981 suggests that without exception, each woman and man has a latent purpose for being on Earth. It also suggests that relatively few people evolve a clear awareness of their unique purpose, and devote their resources, and energy to developing and acting on it. Do you agree that few average people are "living on purpose"? Some people can define their purpose, but stop well short of their full potential.

        Pause for a moment and reflect: are you living on purpose? Do you know other people who are clear on their life mission and are working proactively to complete it? Conversely, can you identify several adults or kids who are clueless about their unique purpose, or who sense it, but feel stymied by various obstacles? Keep the latter people in mind as you read...

        As motivators, you and I are focused on finding effective ways to...

  • help others form a compelling vision of what could be,

  • clarify and illustrate the significant benefits and satisfactions of that vision, and...

  • ignite their serene commitment to overcome their obstacles, and patiently progress toward manifesting their unique, valuable life vision or purpose.

        This article proposes what I believe is the single most powerful, pervasive obstacle that blocks average people from wanting to identify their life purpose and striving to achieve it. The article also proposes an effective way to overcome this obstacle. I suspect that what you're about to read will be new to you, despite your experience, wisdom, and intuition.

        After many years of searching for an answer, I now believe that the unseen block that hinders most people from living on purpose is their being unaware of an unseen mix of psychological wounds and unawareness. These two inherited hindrances are so pervasive in our society as to be largely invisible. You have the rare opportunity of helping people understand these obstacles, and removing them! If you have read the introductory pages in this series, you already have some ideas on how to do that. If you haven't read those yet, I urge you to do so when you're free of distractions, and return here.

Prepare Yourself

       If you have not assessed yourself for false-self wounds yet, I urge you to do that before continuing this article. Then try this simple exercise, and take these four quizzes, one at a time. These experiences will help make the options below more credible and meaningful.

        To raise your awareness, take a thoughtful status check: T = true, F = false, and ? = "I'm ambivalent or unclear now."

  • I'm (a) very clear now on my own life purpose, and (b) I'm working steadily at achieve it.  (T  F  ?) 

  • I can say out loud specifically why I'm reading this article.  (T  F  ?) 

  • I believe each human being has a unique, worthwhile life purpose to discover and develop. (T  F  ?)  If not, what do you believe?

  • I can clearly describe my theory about why most people don't see or seek to achieve their life purpose.  (T  F  ?)
     

  • I can clearly describe my current strategy for helping to motivate people to overcome their blocks to becoming all that they can be.  (T  F  ?)  

  • I accept the idea that normal human personalities result from a group of semi-independent subselves, or "parts."  (T  F  ?)  If you're skeptical or unsure, read this example, try this interesting exercise, and read this three-page letter to you.

  • I (a) understand the concept of the [wounds + ignorance] cycle, and (b) I see major value in alerting other people to the cycle and its effects now. (T  F  ?)  

  • My true Self is guiding my personality (my other subselves) right now. (T  F  ?) If not, who is guiding you?
     

  • I'm very motivated now to weave this idea of identifying and healing false-self wounds into my present strategy for motivating other people to overcome their obstacles and "self-actualize" - i.e. to reach their full personal potential. (T  F  ?)  If not - why?

  • I'm very motivated to (a) increase my awareness of effective-communication basics and skills, and to (b) motivate other people to do the same.  (T  F  ?) If not - why?

  • I see myself and all other people as spiritual beings now.  (T  F  ?)

  • I'm clear enough now on how false-self wounds and human spirituality are related, and on how wanting to grow personal spiritual awareness relates to wanting to reduce psychological wounds; or I am working to clarify this now. (T  F  ?)

  • I encourage other people to grow their mental and spiritual awareness now. (T  F  ?)

       Pause, breathe, and reflect - what are your ruling subselves saying and feeling now? If you just learned something, can you describe it?

        If you see major value in alerting the people you work with to how empowering their true Self can help them discern and gain their life purpose, keep reading. If you don't, (a) suspect that a protective false self is limiting you, and (b) expect little value from reading this article.

Common Questions

        I've been a professional educator and motivator (therapist/coach) since 1981. Thousands off clients and students have taught me to ponder and answer some basic questions in this work. Notice your reaction to questions like these:

  Is there a best way to interest average people in personality subselves and false-self wounds? I don't think so, because people, personalities, and life-trajectories are unique and at different stages of development. There are useful themes and attitudes to build on, like these:

  • Each of us is responsible for the quality and outcome of our own life, despite our childhood environment. Many wounded people are unaware of being controlled by a Shamed Child subself, who believes "I don't deserve health and success." Result: consistent self-neglect - i.e. disregarding a balanced diet, exercise, spiritual growth, rest, medical care, and false-self wounds. Such crippled people are used to (a) denying they feel this way, or (b) adopting a child-like victim/martyr attitude ("I can't help it"), and often (c) blame others or "fate" for their discomforts, failures, and disappointments.

  • When they feel undistracted and secure enough, average people want to find a way to (a) live peacefully (with minimal stress), and (b) to be all they can be. Implication: motivate people to admit and reduce life-distractions, and proactively choose to increase personal security, within their limits.

  • Once respectfully acknowledged and listened to, all subselves can learn and change. When subselves see major benefits that override their fears and doubts, they will permanently change their priorities, attitudes, strategies, and inner-family roles.

  • Typical adults need to accumulate enough life experience before they're able to commit to empowering their Self to harmonize their subselves. People in their mid thirties or older seem to be the most receptive to accepting and using the concept of personality subselves to reduce life stress and progress toward key life objectives. Implication: if you work with people who aren't ready to accept and use these concepts, content yourself with planting "awareness seeds" that may sprout in the future.

  • Personality subselves cause human change to range between superficial (first order) and permanent (second order). First-order changes are "changeless changes" - e.g. diets that don't work, and unsuccessful tries to stop using sugar, nicotine, or other chemicals to relieve relentless inner pain.  Effective parts work promotes safe, healthy second-order changes in personal priorities, behaviors, and values.

  • If you work with adults who care for minor children directly or indirectly, a powerful motivator for change (e.g. accepting the idea of personality subselves) is their natural desire to protect and nurture their kids. Caregivers' patiently healing their own wounds and teaching kids about their subselves (breaking the [wounds + ignorance] cycle) is a priceless life-long gift that goes on giving!

  Is there any danger to alerting average people to their subselves? I've never found any, in 15 years' work with hundreds of people - and listening to other veteran inner family advocates.

  What do typical people want to know about their subselves? Identify your own questions, and then see this.

  What are the most common resistances that block people from discerning and healing their wounds and empowering their true Selves? These are common fears that protective, skeptical subselves manifest when they are first "discovered":

  • Wrongly equating multi-subself personalities with "craziness," "sickness," and "multiple personality disorder." 

  • Freeing some vague or unnamed malevolent "energy" that will cause great harm to self or others;

  • Discovering some horrifying truth about childhood caregivers and/or one's self;

  • Having to admit some really unpleasant or disgusting aspects of themselves;

  • Fearing other people will judge them to be crazy, weird, and/or undesirable if they openly acknowledge their subselves;

  • Being overwhelmed by freeing major repressed pain from earlier life experiences - e.g. by freeing up blocked grief.

        My experience has consistently shown that none of these false-self fears are valid. Option: compassionately confront fearful people with this reality - "If your Self doesn't find effective ways to admit and resolve your subselves' anxieties, you risk ending your life thinking (a) "I allowed fears to significantly limit what I achieved with my life;" and/or (b) "I taught my children to let fear dominate their vision (dreams), choices, and achievements."

        Excessive fear is one of six widespread false-self wounds. Before true (vs. pseudo) personal recovery, excessive fears are usually caused by a dominant Scared (inner) Child and their devoted Guardian subselves, which disable their Self (capital "S"). See this for ideas on reducing excessive fears to normal, over time, within the context of full wound-recovery.

        More primary questions...

  Is there a practical "textbook" to help people understand, recognize, and harmonize their subselves? Yes: Who's Really Running Your Life?, by Peter K. Gerlach, MSW; (Xlibris.com, Philadelphia, PA; 2002, 2nd ed.). This book integrates most of the materials in Lesson 1 in this educational Web site.

  What primal needs can I tap to motivate other people to heal their wounds and learn to communicate more effectively? My experience suggests at least five universal needs:

  • to feel "I am in control of my own life," vs. being a puppet, slave, pawn, or victim; and...

  • the need to reduce personal stress and increase personal comfort and satisfaction by consistently filling more primary (vs. surface) needs; and...

  • to pick wholistically-healthy partners, associates, and environments, and fully enjoy relationships with selected adults and kids; and most (all?) people need...

  • to evolve serenity and certainty that (a) their lives are meaningful, and (b) they are living up to their full potential as unique, worthy human beings; and typical wholistically-healthy parents need......

  • to assist young, unaware people in their lives to do the same.

  What is "success" in this motivational work? You must evolve your own answer, based on your accumulated experience. My answer so far is: "I'm successful at alerting people to their subselves and recovery possibilities when they spontaneously report (a) self-motivated progress on harmonizing their subselves, and (b) wanting to alert other people to the concept and benefits without feeling responsible for "saving" wounded, unaware people.

        With people who don't report those things after my coaching, I feel successful if I've informed them clearly of the concepts, gotten acknowledgement that they understand, and then I've let go of expecting them to want to harmonize their subselves (personality). These ageless inspirations can help you let go...

  Can children be taught to recognize their subselves? Absolutely! Kids are often more intuitive and less skeptical and analytic than adults in meeting, accepting, and interacting with their subselves. Depending on a child's age, their false selves are (usually) less well developed and entrenched.

  Is there a best way to motivate people to learn and practice effective-communication skills?  From 40 years' experience, I vote "Yes." The most effective way I've found is to provide a balance of (a) didactic teaching of communication basics + (b) demonstrations - role-playing the seven skills' effect on people's real current interpersonal problems + (c) supervised practice sessions + (d) homework assignments + (e) chances to discuss communication problems and solutions.

        To do all this requires a multi-session class of at least 18 contact hours, and suitable handouts. Note that false-self wounds greatly diminish the effectiveness of these skills, so the best course is to patiently reduce them while learning to practice the skills over time.

        A practical guideline from the 12-step community: "Progress, not Perfection!" For more perspective on motivating people to think and communicate more effectively, study Lesson 2 in this nonprofit site. Note the related guidebook by Peter K. Gerlach, MSW: Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, Philadelphia, PA; 2002)

       If you have other questions, can you say them out loud now? Do you need a breath and stretch break before finishing this?

Options

       If you now see value in motivating the people you work with to intentionally stop the [wounds + ignorance] cycle from blocking their full potential and wounding their kids, you have at least four ways to do that effectively:

  • personal contacts

  • seminars

  • classes and/or discussion groups 

  • the media, including creating or adding to a Web site.

Here is brief perspective on, and links to more ideas for, each of these:

        Personal contacts: see this article for ideas about how to alert and motivate colleagues, friends, and others about (a) personality subselves and wound-reduction, and (b) effective communication skills. You may also get interested in motivating other people to learn more about more high-impact topics: (c) high-nurturance  families and relationships, (d) bonding and healthy three-level grieving; and (e) evolving a stable, high-nurturance stepfamily and remarriage.

        Seminars: a group seminar can be several hours to a day to a weekend. Unlike a multi-session class, seminar time constraints require you to focus on a few key objectives. I propose the two most impactful topics you can focus on are (a) the impacts of personality subselves, and reasons and ways to harmonize them; and (b) effective communication basics, blocks, tips, and skills. See these Projects 1 and 2 indices for content, resources, and options. As you know, a well-designed seminar can interesting participants in enrolling in a class, buying your materials, visiting your Web site, and/or alerting other people to you and your message.

        Classes: if your personality and circumstances allow it, leading classes gives you a better chance to permanently motivate other people to stop the [wounds + ignorance] cycle in their families and work. For options and resources, see this article.

        For optimal results, give a series of classes on wounds and recovery, and another series on effective communication. The former could include (a) an introduction to personality subselves and wounds, (b) one session each on the six wounds, (c) one or more sessions on reducing the wounds, and (d) a summary and wrap-up - nine sessions total.

        A series on increasing communication effectiveness could include (a) an introduction, including how false-self wounds inhibit effective thinking and communication; (b) one session on each of the seven skills, including chances to practice and homework; and (c) a final summary and wrap-up - a total of nine or more sessions. There are ample materials in this non-profit Web site you can use or adapt to devise effective classes in these vital topics, Option: if you are not in a place to design and teach such classes, you may be in a place to motivate others to do so! See this.  

        Discussion and support groups: a less-structured way to inform and motivate people is to facilitate meetings that focus more on guided discussions, and less on didactic presentations, lessons, and homework. Often, people who are intrigued by an initial seminar want to know more, and/or discuss or question your motivational ideas. People who are already committed to harmonizing their subselves and/or improving their communication outcomes need encouragement, validation, and to brainstorm solutions to roadblocks, and to help them stay focused and progress.

        For perspective on forming and leading an effective support group, see this series of articles for stepfamily co-parents. The principles apply to any support group, not just co-parents. 

        Use the Media:  We Earthlings are all "strangers in a strange land" - the exciting, bewildering, awesome new global Information Age evolving from exploding technologies in computers, audio and video channels and media, and land and satellite communication networks. New print-on-demand publishing ventures enable anyone to publish and promote books on their favorite topic. Your opportunities to reach thousands of people via radio, TV, print, and/or the Web with your motivational messages are expanding every day. This nonprofit Web site and the related (self-published) guidebooks are examples of my attempt to use the media to inform people on why and how to reduce the [wounds + ignorance] epidemic that's crippling our society. You surely can do the same!

       A question you have probably begun to answer is "How can I use my limited energy and time to most effectively motivate the greatest number of people?" Examples of motivated people in our Era have used the media to help manifest their life purpose abound: Oprah Winfrey, Martin Luther King, Bob Hope, Walt Disney, Billy Graham, Bill Gates, Leo Buscaglia, Tony Robbins, Martha Stewart, and hundreds of other "prominent" (impactful) people.

       What - if anything - stops you from doing the same?

        Pause now, and reflect on what you just read. Where do your thoughts (subselves) take you? If you have some new insights or awarenesses which shift your motivational strategies and goals, what are they? Who's leading your subselves right now - your Self, or "someone else?"

        Often, the testimony of others who have survived an ordeal or are pursuing a major mission inspires the rest of us. See this unsolicited feedback, which speaks for many people I've met who are evolving true self-motivated recovery from inner conflict and confusion. Also see these inspirations from a wide array of wise fellow travelers... This one has special meaning for me:

Human beings have always employed an enormous amount of

 clever devices for running away from themselves...

we can keep ourselves busy, fill our lives with so many diversions,

 stuff our heads with so much knowledge,

 involve ourselves with so many people and cover so much ground

 that we never have time to probe the fearful and wonderful world within...

 By middle life, most of us are accomplished fugitives from ourselves.

                                                     -- John Gardner  

Recap

         This article for professional motivators is one of a series on how lay people and human-service professionals can proactively reduce personal and family stress in our society. The theme of the series and this article is alerting other people to, and motivating them to break, the epidemic [wounds + ignorance] cycle that pervades our culture and cripples our families and vulnerable children.

        The article extends these introductory pages. It proposes that because of your professional role and goals, you have a rare opportunity to alert the people you work with to powerful  ways to improve their lives and families. The opportunity is to help others discover the life-long benefits of  (a) meeting, validating, and harmonizing their personality subselves; and (b) developing and using effective-communication skills. There are several other major topics you can motivate others to learn and act on, if you wish.

        The article hilights key questions you'll need to answer in doing this vital work. It also outlines key options for alerting and motivating the people you work with to use these vital concepts to improve their lives and protect future generations.

        Reflect: why did you read this article? Did you get enough of what you needed? If not - what do you need now?

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Updated July 04, 2009