Is your work-setting often
"highly stressful?" Do you work with one or more "difficult"
people? If so, this article
proposes practical ways you can significantly reduce your stress with them,
and raise your satisfaction and productivity.
What's the Problem?
From 17 years' business experience and human-relations research since 1979, I propose that a widespread source of
personal and (most) social problems is an unseen [wounds + ignorance]
that is crippling our society. Part of the cycle is widespread
psychological
that come from
a
childhood. The core wound is developing a disorganized, conflicted
composed of many semi-independent
like talented players in a "dysfunctional" orchestra or sports team. To get
the most from this article, first (a) study this
slide presentation on the cycle, and
then (b) read this and
this.
If you choose to work or associate with one or more "difficult" people, keep
them in mind as you read this. Reflect: what is it about each such person -
specifically - that often causes you distress? Typically how do you react to
each of them, and how does that affect your self-respect and serenity? Note
that
other articles in this non-profit Web site focus on adapting to
"difficult" mates, ex mates, kids, and relatives.
Three key implications of this proposed [wounds + ignorance] cycle
are:
-
you may be unaware of
being "significantly wounded" - i.e. often controlled by a
well-meaning
If so, you are probably half of the problem with the "difficult" people
in your life. To see who really runs your life,
follow the options in these
"Project 1" resources. For a quick
initial assessment, see this summary
of behavioral traits.
-
wounded or not,
you and the "difficult" people
probably aren't consistently using these seven communication
to identify and assert your primary needs with each other. You
can choose to improve your half of this, over time.
-
work-settings which consistently cause
workers undue levels of stress are usually managed by wounded, ignorant
senior executives. Significantly wounded and unaware people often choose
such "low-nurturance" (vs. 'dysfunctional') settings without knowing how
to spot and avoid them. They also justify staying in such settings,
rather than finding more nurturing ones. This is a form of self-neglect
and self-abuse.
-
the
"difficult" co-workers (and other people)
in your life probably (a) suffer
from the [wounds + ignorance] cycle and (b) don't (want to) know that.
Where this is true, you may not be aware of many practical options for
reducing the stresses with them, and still being productive and
satisfied with your work role and responsibilities. This article
outlines key options to do this.
Notice your
to these implications.
Before continuing, reflect: do the
concepts of (a) normal multi-subself personalities and (b) false-self wounds
make sense to you? If not, your protective false self is probably guarding
you against some perceived danger.
Reality check: is your true Self
your personality now?
Now
we'll look at (a) essential first steps you need to take, and options for
adapting to (b) a low-nurturance (high-stress) workplace, and (c)
"difficult" co-workers and associates.
First Things First
Trying options in the sections below will probably bring you few lasting
benefits unless you commit to each of these key goals:
Ignoring or minimizing these options (a) suggests you're dominated by a
false self, and (b) are likely to sabotage all your other efforts to
permanently reduce your life stress.
-
Accept
full responsibility for the quality and outcomes of your own life and
relationships. Seductive alternatives are whining, complaining,
and blaming others or "fate," procrastinating, and/or adopting a local
or global
role (motto: "I can't make things better, because...") Practice...
-
developing your
-
clarifying and living from your
Bill of Personal Rights, and...
-
using these wise
in all your affairs...
-
Learn about the [wounds + ignorance] cycle,
tailor it to your life experience, and honestly
for false-self wounds. Project 1 here
and its
provide a practical framework for
your true Self to guide you and harmonize your other subselves (reduce
your wounds).
-
When you're not distracted, meditate on
these premises about solving
"relationship problems," and tailor them to fit your personality and
beliefs.
-
Patiently study and apply the ideas in
whichever of these slide
presentations pertain to your situation. As you do, alert receptive
others to this vital information, starting with your family members and
close friends.
-
assign high ongoing priority to learning and
practicing effective-
communicating,
and problem-solving basics and
These are essential for (a) inner harmony and
and (b) satisfying relationships with all people. Project-2
resources and the related guidebook
Satisfactions provide many tools and options to help you do this
over time. Option: as you acquire this vital knowledge and skill,
teach them to the young people in your life! If you don't - who will?
How Nurturing is Your Workplace?
Here nurturance refers to (a) the degree that employee
work-related needs are well met, and (b) the way they are met. Like
families, the nurturance level of any workplace setting and organization can
be ranked between "very low" to "very high." Use this
checklist to help you assess your present
work setting and organization from one (very low nurturance level) to ten
(very high level) - even if you work from home.
Note that if you're true Self is
your ruling subselves are apt to protectively distort your assessment.
Why do
this? Typical wounded,
people (like you?) unconsciously seek and endure low-nurturance work and/or
school settings to replicate their familiar childhood environments. Kids
have to endure a low-nurturance (high stress) setting in order to
survive. If your inner kids feel you have to endure managers,
co-workers, and policies which frustrate and stress you - your primary
problem is not "difficult co-workers" and/or "a dysfunctional job setting"
but a disabled true Self.
If
this is true for you now, the bad
news is - you're wounded and unaware, and need to work patiently at
from false-self wounds. The good
news is - you don't have to depend on anyone else to do this!
What
follows assumes that (a) you're working to reduce whatever false-self wounds
you have, and (b) you've assessed your workplace or school setting, and feel
its nurturance-level is acceptable for now. Before reading further, recall
why you began reading this article What do you need?
Do You Work with "Difficult" (Wounded)
People?
Because the [wounds + ignorance] cycle is so pervasive, you probably work
with (or for) people with mixes of behavioral traits like these...
-
rude and/or self-centered,
-
vague, indecisive, and/or
unfocused
-
secretive, guarded, and
reticent;
-
interruptive / aggressive /
disrespectful
-
overly critical or judgmental;
-
constant whiners and complainers
-
overly defensive and reactive
-
insensitive and unempathic
-
deceitful, deceptive, and/r
dishonest
-
chronically late and/or sick
-
"immature" and "childish"
-
phony, insincere, and artificial
-
overly concerned with details
|
-
unreliable / unpredictable /
untrustworthy
-
furtive / secretive / evasive
-
always joking and kidding
-
over-sexual or seductive
-
over-anxious or pessimistic
-
significantly biased or bigoted
-
unwilling to take personal
responsibility
-
intrusive and/or gossipy
-
untrustworthy
-
over-controlling and
manipulative
-
over-intellectual and "analytic"
-
over-concerned with being
accepted
-
often sullen, resentful, and
angry
|
The bad news: whatever their combination of traits, wounded people promote
relationship stress and consistently inhibit organizational teamwork and
harmony. This is specially stressful if the wounded person is your
supervisor, manager, or an executive.
The good news: you have some
specific options for reacting to significantly-wounded co-workers (and
others) which can reduce your stress - within limits. The rest of this
article outlines some impactful options you can select from
if you are genuinely pursuing
the first-things-first options above.
Options
If you work
(and/or live) with significantly wounded people, you have many
choices, vs. resigning yourself to being a helpless
In addition to the options above, you can...
-
learn how to recognize significantly-wounded
people;
-
change your attitude from resentment and
blame to genuine compassion;
-
really use your Bill of Personal
Rights and these ageless guidelines;
-
practice identifying specifically what you
need from each "difficult" (wounded) person;
-
practice respectfully (a)
your needs clearly and (b) using
skill to acknowledge expected "resistances" before reasserting;
-
practice effective
problem-solving with your conflicted
subselves and "difficult" co-workers; and...
-
encourage and teach receptive co-workers to
do these things too.
More
perspective on each of these options:
Identify Wounded People
Use
your own versions of this and this to identifying wounded (vs. "bad") people by their behaviors. Wounds range from
moderate to major. All wound-related behavior is caused by the person's true
Self being disabled ("taken over") by other untrusting subselves - a "false
self." Before personal recovery, typical wounded people aren't aware
they're ruled by a false self. They
cannot help doing what they (their controlling subselves) do, despite
unpleasant results.
Implication: if you expect a wounded person to change their irritating
or stressful behavior - they can't, any more than they can
stop aging. Trying logical arguments and persuasions with
wounded people ("You really ought to lay off the alcohol / fast food /
sugar, Pat") is useless. Is that your experience?
Change Blame and Resentment to Compassion
Identify your favorite "difficult person" (starting with you?) and
imagine her or him with a clubbed foot, chained to an anvil, and swathed in
bloody bandages. Further imagine that s/he is too scared and overwhelmed to
admit and face these disabilities, and believes and proclaims "I'm just
fine!" Restated: choose the compassionate view that
of some unpleasant or scary trait or reality is a normal false-self
protective strategy, not a "character defect" or "weakness."
Do
you scorn or disparage people with AIDS, cancer, and Alzheimer's Disease?
How about blind, deaf, and deformed people?
If your ruling subselves choose an attitude of criticism and blame with any
psychologically-wounded person ("Stop
being so childish / selfish / insensitive / controlling, Pat!"),
expect them
to react with guilt, defensiveness, aggression, and/or avoidance.
Reflect:
which personality subself usually
forms your attitudes about other people - your wise, compassionate
(capital "S") and your
or your ever-vigilant
and/or
Difficulty adopting and maintaining a genuinely (vs. dutifully)
compassionate, mutually-respectful attitude is strong evidence that you are
ruled by a false self.
Guarantee: you unconsciously broadcast your true
about every person you work via voice dynamics and body language. If your
subselves feel superior or inferior, kids and other adults will sense it -
no matter how hard you try to disguise your attitude. Both attitudes (vs.
mutual respect) will always degrade the effectiveness of your
and the quality of your relationships. Implication -
until you consistently feel true
mutual respect, you are half of the problem with each "difficult
person"! Notice your reaction...
|
Choosing to see a wounded person as dignified, injured, and unaware
does not mean you have to accept their irritating, frustrating, or disrespectful
behaviors! |
Once your Self leads your personality
and you've gained a compassionate attitude, you need three more things in
order to set effective boundaries with your "difficult person/s: (a) a clear
sense of your (and their) rights, as dignified persons of worth; (b) clear
awareness of what you need from them, and (c) skills at asserting your
needs, and handling expected resistances. Each of these is learnable, if you
commit to doing so...
Evolve and Use a Bill of Personal
Rights
As a
dependent child, you may not have been taught to recognize and live from a
set of universal human rights like
these. They are based healthy self respect (vs. egotism), and apply
equally to all other people. Clarity on your - and others' - personal rights
as dignified (worthy, respectable) persons is the foundation of (a) mutual respect
and (b) effective
- including behavioral
and consequences. Typical
and
(wounded) people usually ignore, discount, exaggerate, and/or are ambivalent
about their personal rights. This usually means they have trouble
asserting their needs and opinions effectively. Do you know such people?.
Practice Identifying What You Need
If
you haven't recently, read this article about learning to "dig
down" to discover your primary (vs. secondary or surface) needs, and
return here. Now reflect - are you open to digging down to discover what you
really need with each "difficult" co-worker or associate? You'll
probably find you need three core things:
-
consistent self respect about how you behave with him or
her,
-
the
"difficult" person being willing to (a) change something that
bothers you, or to (b) respect some limit(s) you
define; and you'll need...
-
commitment too enforce some specific consequences if the other
person isn't willing or able to respect your needs and limits - even if
this causes significant conflict or stress.
Example:
Let's say your "difficult (wounded) person" frequently interrupts you,
and/or rarely listens to you. Your
surface need is for them to
want to listen to you without interrupting. Your
primary need is to feel
respected enough by yourself and her or him. This implies that you need
to define some enforceable limit or consequence that you're willing to act
on if the other person "can't stop" interrupting or ignoring you.
|
Note that the other person may not be willing or able to fill
your primary need/s now - specially if he or she is an
unrecovering
(GWC) in normal denial. Option: if this is true in your
situation, apply these wise
|
Practice Asserting What You Need
Assertion is the learnable attitude and skill of saying what you feel or
need in a way other people really hear you, vs. agree with
you. Can you define
and how to do it? Are you clear how to use
to respond to expected
resistances to your assertions? These are two of the seven
effective-communication
you can learn. Part of learning these powerful skills is rehearsing and
practicing them, and learning from the
A
useful type of assertion is called an
In
our example, it might sound like this:
"(Name), I've become aware that you often need to speak before I'm done,
and that I feel disrespected when you do..." (Note how this is
phrased - it's objective, and avoids using the shaming accusation
"...you often interrupt me," which can feel like an attack or
criticism, and is likely to provoke defensiveness, guilt, and/or
resentment.
"So I need
you to let me finish before you speak."
If the person is shame-based (wounded),
s/he might respond "Why are you
so uptight and oversensitive? No one else complains like this" or
similar. You calmly expect "resistances" like this, and use empathic
listening to acknowledge them, like this:
"You
feel that my request is unreasonable and unusual." (A statement
that affirms you heard the person, not an agreement.) When s/he nods
and/or says "Yeah," Uh huh," "You got that right," or equivalent, you
calmly re-assert:
"And (name),
I need you to let me finish talking before you speak."
If the other person continues to interrupt
(disrespect) you, respectfully
assert a consequence, like
"If you still need to talk
before I'm finished, I'll remind you each time it happens."
Try using this example to define a real-life need with a difficult person,
and see how asserting your primary needs might sound. Expect this to feel
awkward and "weird," unless you're already an effective asserter. The more
you practice identifying and asserting your needs and limits, the easier it
gets!
More examples of setting boundaries with wounded
co-workers (and other people). First make sure (a) your Self is in charge,
(b) you have a genuine
(mutual respect) attitude about the other person, and (c) you're clear on
your shared human rights.
Problem: your co-worker is
usually late to meetings, offering superficial excuses but no genuine
apologies. S/He continues to be late despite
to be prompt. Do a Self-check, and
reaffirm "this person is wounded and unaware, and s/he doesn't know that.
She is not bad or wrong - and I have the right to
respectfully assert my needs despite any wounds." Your assertion
(in private) might sound like this:
"(Name), I notice that you're often 10 or more minutes late to our
group's meetings, and that we have to spend everyone's time catching you
up. I feel disrespected and frustrated by your choice to ignore our
group's need to start on time. If you're not willing to be prompt, I'm
going to call you on your tardiness in front of the group every time
you're late." (a consequence, not a threat).
Expect the wounded
person to defend themselves ("I can't help it because..."), use empathic
listening with each defense, keep your attitude of mutual respect, and
keep repeating your assertion calmly and briefly, with good eye contact.
Problem: your (wounded)
co-worker's dominant subselves are often pessimistic, critical, sarcastic,
and cynical. They choose a
and frequently complain about your workplace, management policies,
co-workers, and/or the people you serve. S/He rarely tries to problem-solve
or make constructive changes. A respectful assertion might sound like this:
"(Name,) are you aware of
how often you complain and criticize (whatever), and how your
complaining affects our group's morale? I need you to take
responsibility for proposing constructive changes where you feel we need
them, rather than badmouthing our managers, co-workers, and clients. If
you choose to ignore my request, I'm going to speak to your supervisor"
(a consequence).
The point here is that you have the right to respectfully
assert your needs with wounded, unaware co-workers. You also can choose to
alert such people (including managers) to their wounds and ignorance, and to
the effects of these in your workplace. This is not criticism, it's a
well-meant attempt to inform them of a problem they don't know they have.
For more examples of respectful
assertions, see
this.
Practice Effective Problem-solving
One
outcome of respectful assertions is that you may learn something that you
didn't know before. When this happens, you may need to consciously shift
from assertion to problem-solving. In our example, this might sound like...
"Well, I have to interrupt you at times, because you often talk on and
on without letting me respond, and you give me a lot of details I don't
need." If you weren't aware of this, it opens up some new options
for you both getting your need for respect met. Problem-solving might
sound like...
"Mm, I didn't realize that. How 'bout if
I try to be more concise and pause more often, and you let me know if
you need me to pause or to respond, OK?" Two wounded people would be at
risk of getting into a power struggle or mutual blamings, rather than
seeking a middle ground like this.
What if Your Manager or
Supervisor is Wounded and "Difficult"?
The options above may seem practical with co-workers and associates who
don't affect your job security. Asserting to your "boss" is different,
because s/he controls your work responsibilities, job-performance reviews,
and pay raises. If your superior is "difficult," what are your options?
Review and follow these basics and
options first. Then
assess this person and see if you feel
s/he is significantly wounded and
If so, check to see that your Self is
your personality, and that you feel genuine (vs. pseudo) compassion for your
boss, not blame and/or contempt. If either of these isn't true, your problem
is you, not your superior!
Define your primary needs of this person, and construct a respectful
assertion - perhaps in
form.. Then imagine the worst possible outcome of asserting your needs, and
decide if the risk is worth it. If your Self is in charge of your
personality, trust her or his wisdom on this. If you decide your
boss-related stress is too great and the risk of retribution from asserting
your needs is too high, then the core question becomes "Why are you choosing
to work in this (low nurturance?) environment?"
Reality: even if you assert your need/s based on a genuine attitude of
mutual
if your boss is
("has low self-esteem"), s/he may receive your assertion as an attack or
criticism ("put down"). No matter how polite and sincere you are, you cannot
Alerting Co-workers to the [Wounds +
Ignorance Cycle]
An
option you have with all your co-workers, associates, friends, and family is
to tell them about the common
of false-self wounds and related unawareness. This is specially appropriate
for adults caring part-time or full time for someone's infants and minor
children. You may do this...
If you choose to alert selected
people to the [wounds + ignorance] cycle, beware of trying to "rescue" or
"fix" them." Often, offering unrequested help implies that you're "1-up,"
("I know how you should live your life, and you don't"). This can cause
resentment, anger, and "resistance," despite your good intentions.
Status Check
As we end, see where you stand with
the main ideas here. If a false self controls you now,
expect skewed results. T= True, F = false, and ? = "I'm
not sure," or "it depends..." (on what?).
I understand and accept the ideas of
personality subselves and psychological
wounds (T F ?)
I can name the six common "false
self"
now. (T F ?)
I can name at least 10 common behavioral
traits of wounded people now.
(T F ?)
I can judge whether a person's
wounds are significant or not. (T F ?)
I have (a) honestly
myself for false-self wounds, and (b) am
consistently committed to
any that I found. (T F ?)
I'm willing to ask an informed, objective
person (like a therapist or life coach) whether they see me as
"significantly wounded" or not. (T F ?)
I
am consistently able to see wounded people as
injured and ignorant (lacking knowledge, not stupid)
rather
than bad, wrong, illogical, obsessive, paranoid, unfriendly,
uncooperative, hostile, phony, childish, insensitive, selfish,
controlling, deceptive, defensive, abusive, weak, dumb, arrogant,
pitiful, self-centered, dishonest, etc. (T F ?)
I (a) can clearly define what a
high-nurturance workplace
is, and (b)
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/prevent/wounded_coworkers.htm