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- how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily |
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Use Structural Maps to
Strengthen Your Stepfamily
Discover what
needs
improving
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member,
NSRC Experts Council
|
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This is one of a series of Lesson-7 articles on how to evolve a
stepfamily. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
biological parents, or any of the
three or more stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home
"Structural mapping" is a visual tool for
understanding how your home or family is "built." - This tool can help you answer questions like...
-
"Who is most influential in our homes and multigenerational family, including dead people?"
-
"Who's makes the key
decisions in each of our homes?"
-
"Which members are allied.
and who is conflicted or shunned?"
-
"Is anyone excluded from full family membership?
By Whom? Why?"
-
"Do we have
major communication blocks in and between our several homes?"
-
"How do the
structures of our homes change in situations like child visitations, major
conflicts, and celebrations?"
To get the most from this article, first read...
Contents - this page...
-
provides 13 premises about family
functioning,
-
describes sample structural-mapping symbols;
-
illustrates baseline maps of functional
and dysfunctional biofamily homes;
-
illustrates maps of functional and
dysfunctional stepfamily structures before and during child
visitations; and...
-
starts describing how to map your
stepfamily;
including four special situations; and...
-
suggest how to use your structural maps,
Premises
These premises add to those for
biological families:
Structural mapping can be most
effective if you view the stepfamily as a multi-generational, multi-home
system. One home in the
stepfamily system may be functional and other related home/s may be
dysfunctional,
Because typical stepfamilies are formed from three or more
biofamilies, (six or more adult family trees), the odds that one or more
adults iin the system carry inherited psychological wounds are higher
than in a biofamily. system. Structural maps should indicate such
wounded kids and adults.
Because the number of possible
in a stepfamily system is far higher than in biofamilies, the chances
for communication blocks and values, membership, and loyalty conflicts
in and among the homes in a stepfamily system are far higher than in
typical biofamilies. Each of these st8ressors should be identified
with suitable symbols in the system's structural map.
Most
stepfamily homes with resident minor kids have two structural states: kids home
and kids away (visitation). If both re/married mates have prior kids and living
ex mates (a blended three-home stepfamily), the home "in the
middle" may have three or more visitation structures or states, The
structure of each home in the system may change in each state, so a
complete stepfamily structural map should include a diagram for each
common state.
Minor kids eventually change
custodial homes in a significant minority of typical stepfamilies. When
they do, the structure of most homes on the system change, justifying a
new structural diagram. Similar changes occur when kids leave for
college or military service.
Other reasons for redrawing a
stepfamily's structural map include a family member's engagement,
separation, divorce, desertion, or disability, a birth, or a death,
and/or a geographic relocation .
Discuss these premises with the other adults in and supporting your related
homes. The more aware you all are about ideas like these, the more useful
family-structure mapping will be for you.
Now Let's put these premises
to work.. .
Structural-mapping
Symbols
Structural family maps use
symbols to show how the members relate to each other. The symbols can be
initials, alphabetic letters, geometric shapes (e.g. a small square, circle,
or diamond) or special characters, like these.
Stepfamily maps can also use
small encircled letters to designate important individual or couple
dynamics like these:
| A = addiction VC = values conflict
SD = stepfamily denial
$C = money conflict
M = military |
D = depression MC = membership conflict
G = grieving
H = homeless
J = in jail |
(CP2+C1
) or
(C2+C2) |
Psychologically
over-involved
or
Co-Parent "2" and Child "1", or
enmeshed Biosiblings "2." |
C ... C
  C... C |
Biokids visiting
between co-parents’ homes |
Let's look at how you can use
symbols to diagram your family's homes:
Sample
Family-structure Maps
Recall:
"structure" here refers to home and family membership, leadership,
responsibility, boundaries, and communications. We’ll start with
high-nurturance-family
maps. Then we’ll see some of the many kinds of dysfunction
(low nurturance),
for both biofamilies and typical multi-home stepfamilies.
Again: the
purpose of
these maps is to show simply and concisely whether a home or multi-home
nuclear family is organized in a functional way or not.
Use maps to help discuss and improve
your family’s nurturance level, not to expose, attack, or blame any members .
A) Baseline:
A High Nurturance, Intact Two-parent Biofamily Structure
|
BM BF
- - - - - -
C ... C |
BioMom
and BioFather are co-equally in charge of their home ("above
the line"). Communication is open between all adults and several minor kids. Family roles are clear. Kids are encouraged to be kids, vs.
little adults. No interfering relatives or other people. No one is demoted,
excluded, exalted, absent, enmeshed, or addicted. Household emotional boundaries are open,
so friends, kin, and ideas freely enter and leave, yet there are clear limits. |
B) Typical
Low Nurturance, Intact Two-parent Biofamily Structures
BM
-------
BF
- - - - - - -
C ... C |
BM //
- - - - - (BF
C...C |
(BM+BF)
-------------
C...C |
C
BF
- - - - - - - -
C...C BM |
[GM]
BF || BM
- - - - -
C...C |
1) Dominant BioMom,
blocked parental communications with BioFather |
2) Detached or
absent BioFather, blocked parental communications |
3) Blocked
parent - child communications; Parents enmeshed |
4) Child co-
controlling the home, BioMom ineffective ("below
the line") |
5) BioMom's
dead mother controls the home; parents can’t talk; kids anxious |
More examples of dysfunctional two-parent biofamilies...
T
BM ) - - - - (BF
C ... C |
BA
BF) - - - - - - - - C ... C BM |
BF || (C+BM)
- - - - - - - - - -
C ... C |
(BU++++BM) [BF]
--------------
C ... C |
6) Two
uninvolved bioparents; teen controls the home; No family boundaries |
7) Overwhelmed
mom, detached dad, Bio Aunt in charge; Rigid
(closed) household boundaries |
8) Enmeshed BioMom
and controlling child; no parental teamwork or problem solving |
9) Enmeshed BioMom
and (non-resident) BioUncle; BioFather
dead, but still key; kids feel unheard |
|
C BF C
BM C |
10)
Regressed or overwhelmed Bioparents. Nobody is consistently in
charge of the home (no adult-child responsibility line): All
family members are isolated from outsiders (solid border) . |
|
|
|
(BM+C+BR+BF+C) |
11) Similar,
including a resident BioRelative; Everyone is enmeshed
and chaotic: no effective personal boundaries, and no clear
Mates have no private time or space. Adults are kids'
buddies, not
co-parents. |
These are only a few of the many bio-home
structures possible! How would you map the family that you grew up in?
Over time, it probably had several structures. Family structures change each
time someone is born, dies (including abortions and stillbirths), leaves home, reaches
puberty, becomes seriously ill or injured, gets married, and so on.
C) Typical Low-Nurturance Two-home
Separated
or Divorced Biofamily Structure
Divorce and marital
separation strongly usually indicate unwise courtship choices and
psychologically-wounded mates who are unable to relate and problem solve.
|
BM >>>
- - - - - -
C ...C |
>>>||<<<
|
<<<BF
------
|
BioMom
has legal and physical custody, and controls her home (is above the line). Arrows show
regular child visitation
with their absent BioFather, who is in
charge of his home when the kids come to stay; but communications with his kids are
blocked (solid line). Ongoing two-way hostility and poor communications between
bioparents, with the kids caught in the middle. |
There are many variations of this two-home nuclear biofamily, considering
who’s in charge in each home; the numbers, ages, and "parentification" of
older kids (i.e. being above the parental responsibility line); the availability and
involvement of nurturing kin; and how the "sending" home restructures if some of
the kids go visit, but some stay. The custodial bioparent is often overwhelmed, and may
"promote" an older child above the line to co-control the home. Or they
may hire day-care or live-in help (who should be included in the structural map).
If you divorced, what did (or does) your two-home family structure look
like? Did (does) it have several structures? Who was in charge of each home when
the kids were there?
High-nurturance Stepfamily Structures
There
are almost
types of multi-home
structure, from combinations of child
custody, prior unions and child conceptions,
"ours" children, and prior deaths and divorces. Most of these structures fall
into three types: two, three, or four-home stepfamily
A few structures are one-home, where a widowed bioparent remarries a non-parent or another
widow/er.
The homes comprising all
four stepfamily types follow the same basic principals for a functional two-parent
biofamily (baseline 1 above). Recall that
most individual
co-parenting homes have two or more alternating structures: (a) minor kids at home,
and (b) some or all minor kids visiting their other co-parent/s. In a
given stepfamily home, one structure may have a higher
than the other.
Baseline 2 -
High-nurturance new and mature
two-home
stepfamily structures
When bioparents and
stepparents first live together, normally the stepparent does not have as much
co-parenting authority or responsibility as the bioparent.
This is true whether there are minor stepkids resident or not.
The stepparent and
custodial bioparent are, ideally, co-equal partners in the non-parenting
areas of
their lives. Both these co-parents are still consistently "above the
line" - i.e. no minor child nor any non-resident makes the major decisions in their
home. Communications in and between both related stepfamily homes are open enough
here.
After enough time,
the resident stepparent earns (vs. demands) equal co-parenting authority and
responsibility, as granted by the other members of both homes (map B below). These
two traits don't come with a marriage certificate!
Co-parents who try to rush or
force stepparent authority usually promote personal, marital, and stepfamily stress and
conflict.
How much time does it take stepparents to earn co-equality? My experience is
that it can take two or more years after cohabiting,
depending on many variables. In significantly low-nurturance multi-home
stepfamilies, true co-equal co-parenting never evolves.
BP1
- - -
SP
- - - - -
C ... C
|
BP2
- - -
|
|
SP BP1
- - - - - - -
C ... C
|
BP2
- - - - -
|
A) High
nurturance new-stepfamily two-home structure: clear,
open household boundaries, and effective communications. |
B)
High nurturance mature two-home co-parenting structure: open family
boundaries, and effective communications. |
Baseline
3 - A high nurturance, mature,
two-home,
two-structure
stepfamily, before and during
child visitation.
All communications are
open in and between both homes; Co-parents are in charge (above the line) in each
home. The divorced BioFather is not cohabiting or dating. The StepFather
has no biokids, and has earned equal co-parenting authority with BioMom. He
has earned the respect and co-operation of his three stepkids over some years.
All members have adequately
mourned their key losses from (a) the bioparents’ divorce and
family reorganizing, and from (b) BioMom’s remarriage. All three adults can (usually) talk openly
and respectfully, and can compromise well-enough together on co-parenting
decisions. There are no enmeshments, rejections,
addictions, or
living or dead controlling relatives. Each home has clear firmly-flexible boundaries.
SF BM
- - - - - -
C C C |
BF
- - - -
|
|
SF BM
- - - - - - -
|
BF
- - - - - -
C C C |
Structure
1):
kids home |
Structure
2): kids visiting |
Baseline 4 - A
high-nurturance three-home,
four co-parent, mature stepfamily
structure
…with one "ours" child (O),
and child visitations (  ) between all three homes. The other structural states (during
visitations) of these three related homes aren't shown here. Neither ex mate (BF1
and BM2) is cohabiting, remarried or dating seriously.
All communications are open within and between homes, all four co-parents are in (usually)
charge of their respective homes, and there are no resident, dependent, or controlling
relatives. All three homes have clear, effective boundaries.
All members have mourned their key divorce and remarriage losses enough, so they
don’t need to exclude other stepfamily members. Note that BM1
is also a stepmom to C2, and BF2
has a stepdad role with C1. We’ll note
them as DM1 and DF2 to symbolize their complex
dual
co-parenting roles.
BF1
- - -
C1 |
|
DM1
DF2
- - - - - - -
(C1) O C2 |
|
BM2
- - - -
(C2) |
High nurturance three-home, four
co-parent, three-child nuclear-stepfamily structure
Baseline 5: A high-nurturance, mature, four-home,
seven-co-parent stepfamily structure,
with three minor kids.
Both BF1 and BM2's
ex-mates have remarried, one to a previously single man (SF) and one to a divorced
biomother (DM3). Child visitations occur between all four homes, causing
several structural states. Not all are shown. Communications are open within and between
all four dwellings; no kids are above the responsibility line or co-parents below.
Adult/child
boundaries are stable and mutually accepted. C1 lives with BM1 and
SF. Child C2 lives with (dual-role) biomom DM2 and stepfather DF1,
and C3 usually lives with her custodial BioFather BF3. There are no
"ours" kids yet. No stepparent has adopted their stepchild. At times, all
co-parents have "kid-free" week-ends, because of visitation combinations.
There are no
interfering or seriously dependent relatives, live-in helpers, or boarders in this four-
home nuclear stepfamily. No one is seriously ill, debilitated, excluded, or withdrawn. There
are no major ongoing hostilitiezs, coalitions, enmeshments, or alliances among any of these
10 related stepfamily members. If you're thinking this is unusual, you're right: this is
an ideal example.
Pre-visitation
household
structures |
SF
BM1
- - - - - -
C1 |
|
DF1 DM2
- - - - - - -
C2 |
|
DF2
DM3
- - - - - - -
|
|
BF3
- - -
C3 |
A high-nurturance four-home, seven
co-parent,
three-child nuclear-stepfamily structure.
Visitation
household
structures |
SF BM1
- - - - - -
|
|
DF1
DM2
- - - - - - -
C1 |
|
DF2 DM3
- - - - - - -
C2 C3 |
|
BF3
- - -
|
The sample structural maps above give you an idea of how
the several types of multi-home stepfamily look before and during visitations.
They are our baselines, in that there are no major dysfunctional
structural elements present.
These are the
household and family structures that typical aware co-parents grow over time.
In
my 36-year
clinical experience, few stepfamilies match these ideals. They look more
like some of these examples:
Typical Low-Nurturance ("Dysfunctional") Stepfamily Structures
Mapping a multi-home
stepfamily’s structures is like using Lego-brand blocks. Many elements can
be combined to portray a great variety of household and family relationships.
The many dysfunctional-structure elements in
intact biofamilies apply here, plus new elements
occurring between related step-homes.
Stepfamily structures
shift over time because of births or deaths; changes in custody,
residence, employment, finances, or location; re/marriages, re/divorces,
affairs, abortions or adoptions; adolescence; graduations and emancipations;
addictions, physical or emotional disabilities; geographic moves, and lots more.
Here are maps of some
low-nurturance
step-home (vs. whole stepfamily) emotional structures. Any
look familiar? These are only a few of many possibilities:
SM //
x x x (BF1
(C1C2) |
SF || (C1+BM1)
- - - - - - - - - -
C2... C3 |
SF
BM1
- - - - -xxx
C1 C2 (C3 |
8)
Emotionally-absent, non- communicative custodial
BioFather,
rejected / defied (frustrated) StepMother; Allied
resident stepkids |
9) BioMom
+ biochild C1 alliance, low-priority remarriage; StepFather
feels shut out; no effective home boundaries. |
10) Rigid StepFather
"dictator," excluded stepchild C3,
BioMom
split
no adult problem- solving; Rigid household
boundaries. |
|
\\ (BF1 ++++++ BM1)
SM) - - - - - - - -
- -
C1 ... C1
|
SM || BF1
xxxx---------
C1 ...C1 |
\\ (BM1+BGM1)
SF ) - - - - - - - - - -
C1... C3 |
11)
Custodial BioFather is
(emotionally-
undivorced) with ex mate BM1 via phone and visits; ineffective SM-BF1
problem-solving; Isolated, discounted StepMom |
12) No
effective co-parental
No boundaries; Distrust
and hostility between SM and her stepchild/ren; Kids feel
unheard by both adults, anxious, needy, and angry or
depressed; |
13) BioMom + resident bio- GrandMother alliance:
StepFather
undermined, ignored, and withdrawn; Kids confused, anxious, rebellious. Grandma controls
boundaries. |
More
typical low-nurturance ("dysfunctional") stepfamily structural-map elements...
(BM1+O+SF)
- - x-x-x-x - -
C1 ... C1 |
DF1 || DM2
- - - - xxx - - -
(C1+C1)>>(C2 |
(SF+$)>>
BM1) - - - - -
C1 ..C |
>>>BF1
-----
|
14) Favored Ours
child (above the line because her/his needs over-shape this household's
behavior); Resident half-siblings hurt and resentful, probably acting out; |
15)
Dual-role Father’s kids reject
Dual-role
Mom's child C2 and he allows it. Resentful
DM2 dislikes her stepkids; Blocked co-parental
communications, major loyalty conflict; |
16)
Dysfunctional two-home system:
StepFather angry
over erratic child support; no problem solving; BioMom
paralyzed, detached; Kids trapped in the middle; |
|
SM
BF1>>>|
xxxx - - -
C1...C1 |
|<<< BM1
- - -
|
DF1 DM2 ||
-------------
C1 C2
|
|| C2
- - - - -
BF2 |
SF>> [BF2]+BM2
- - - - - - - - - - - -
C2 ... C2 |
|
17)
Two-home system; Emotionally unfinished divorce; kids in the middle, polarized,
rejecting SM;
SM resentful, feels unsupported and 1-down;
BF1 denies they’re a stepfamily, and their major
|
18)
The "C2" kids are in split custody. Biodad
BF2
is emotionally disabled (below the line), so resident C2
runs their house; Blocked intra- and inter-home
communications, so no effective
listening or problem solving; |
19) BioMom BM2 hasn't mourned her first mate's death -
and can’t help her kids do so; Her [dead husband] strongly affects
the decisions in this home; Stepdad is increasingly resentful.
Neither co-parent knows of these
|
20) A full three-home,
five co-parent, five child, two-structure
low-nurturance nuclear-stepfamily
map:
| - - - - - - - - - - Before visitations - - - - - - - - - - - |
- - - - - - - - - - - During visitations - - - - - - -
- - |
| Home 1 \\BM1>>>|
SF) - - - - -
C1 C1 |
Home 2 |<<DF1||
DM2>>|
- - - xxx- - -
O1-2 C2 |
Home 3 |>>BF2 C2
- - - - -
|
Home 1 (SF BM1)
- - - - - - -
|
Home
2 DF1||(DM2????
- - - || - - - -
[C1 C1] O1-2 |
Home 3 C2)
-------(BF2
C2 |
BM1 and ex mate DF1
are hostile and distrusting (aren't emotionally divorced), and can't problem solve. Both C1
kids often feel caught in the middle. StepFather often feels ignored and
powerless, and increasingly resentful;
Custodial biofather BF2
treats older biochild C2 as a confidant and buddy. DM2
and DF1 disapprove, and feel helpless.
All five kids often feel unsafe and
confused; Co-parents are often critical and defensive; little three-home unity or
teamwork.
|
Now "kid-free," SF and BM1
reconnect
Over-guilty DF1 focuses on
his biokids C1 C1, who make demands;
DM2 and "ours"
child O1-2 feel left out and hurt, but mom doesn't say so. Frequent
adult arguing and blaming, instead of listening, asserting, and
effective
Dual-role mom DM2
and one stepchild C1 clash; Dual dad DF1
either withdraws or sides with his child, who feels powerful and anxious; DM2 and
O1-2 draw together;
BF2 withdraws emotionally,
leaving his C2 "buddy" to co-parent the visiting sibling; DM2
calls often to check up, instructing resident C2 on co-parenting the
visiting sib, and criticizing biofather BF2; Older child feels
responsible, powerful, and split. Younger child feels confused and anxious.
|
There is much more to the dynamics in and between these three homes. This
two-part map shows key structural and communication elements. Two of the bioparents pay
lip-service to their
as a stepfamily, but none of the
five know what that
Note that none of the over
50 relatives in the five co-parents' biofamilies (the extended
stepfamily) are shown.
Over time, these
intra-home and inter-home dynamics shape everyone's expectations. Because there
is little co-parental stepfamily knowledge, problem-solving, or teamwork, no stepfamily identity, unity and
pride develops, and resentments and stresses accumulate.
All five co-parents are
unrecovering
(GWCs) - and don't know
it. They have only hazy ideas of their kids many special needs,
and their related caregiving roles. Because of all this, the kids
(including "ours" child O1-2) are unconsciously
developing
like the adults. Several
are "acting out" in protest.
The point here is -
structural maps can provide stepfamily members and
supporters a concise, clear way of showing key responsibility,
relationship, and communication problems and strengths.
That helps them agree on their
and
and enables measuring progress along the way.
|
Making Your Structural Map
You've
now seen samples of the many ways multi-home
family structures can be diagrammed. These have illustrated a few of many possibilities.
Recall that "co-parents"
include all related stepparents and custodial and noncustodial bioparents.
In a typical post-divorce nuclear stepfamily, there can be three or more co-parents
telling various minor kids what to do, in two or three related homes - ours, your
ex mate’s, and my ex mate’s. In stepfamilies following a bioparent's death,
there can be two to four co-parents. In some homes, older siblings regularly share
co-parenting responsibilities for younger kids.
Time to try your
mapping wings! Suggestions...
Use
an attitude of "doing this
can help our re/marriage, home, kids, and stepfamily," rather than
feeling anxious, defensiveness, or detached (indifferent). Catch the constructive spirit of these maps, and invent your own rules. You’re doing
this to help and please yourselves - no one else!
Structural maps work best after your three or more co-parents have made major progress on
If you use the maps
with educators, counselors, clergy, or lawyers, it helps a lot if they have a working
knowledge of at least Lesson 7.
Draw
your full-stepfamily
first. Discuss it
with your co-parenting partners, toward agreeing on "Who do we
include in our multi-home stepfamily?" If you’re not yet clear on that, making
useful
structural maps will be hard or impossible.
If you or any of your co-parenting partners
need to deny or minimize that you are a multi-home
don’t expect to get much help from any of these diagrams.
Stay focused. Bio, step, and other forms of family exist to
(a) conceive and foster
the healthy growth of dependent children; and (b) fill ongoing adult needs for love,
nurturance, procreation, companionship, shelter, comfort, and security.
Focus your
no-visitation and during-visitation maps on understanding how your stepfamily homes’
emotional
structure affects filling each members' key
primary
That implies that you're clear on what they are...
Take your time!
These diagrams can be complex, and can reveal insights and
validations only if you concentrate thoughtfully on them. Build them slowly and
deliberately, and they’ll pay off for you all!
Draw these structural maps by yourself, not with your co-parenting partner/s.
You’ll discover more! Expect your maps to evolve through trial and
discussion, rather than expecting to "get it right the first time." Keep a large
eraser handy, and sketch lightly until you’ve thought, mulled, and discussed
together, enough. False starts are great, here!
If you or a co-parenting partner feel reluctant to do this exercise,
it probably means that you and/or they have
some
anxiety, guilt, and/or shame about your
present home or stepfamily that feel unsafe to confront right now.
Avoiding is a common coping skill we
(GWCs -
adults from low-nurturance childhoods) develop early in life to manage our inner
Deferring a painful stepfamily awareness often
means it’ll get worse, with time…
Consider writing down any thoughts and
feelings that surface
as you (a) evolve your structural maps, and (b) compare and discuss them
with other members. This can give you useful perspective if you map
again in the future - a way of clearly affirming family growth and
positive change - or lack of same...
1) Start With Your Home
Rough draft: Think of the people regularly living in (vs. visiting) your home.
You’ll do other maps on your one or two related co-parent homes later. To begin,
lightly draw a horizontal co-parental responsibility line on a blank page. Now
decide: among all our stepfamily members, who’s needs, opinions, and drives
usually directly and indirectly affect the minor kid/s in our home the most?
To put it bluntly: Who really makes the key co-parenting and administrative
decisions in our home most of the time?
Consider that the people
really running your house may be living elsewhere or dead . They may be
one or more adults, a scared, depressed, or enraged child, a powerful relative, an absent
bioparent, or some combination. They may also control everyone else by choosing to be
over-helpless and a victim. Recall -
this exercise is
not about
finding fault with anyone. It’s about discovering what's
good and improving what's not.
Tentatively, put initials or
symbols for the one or more in-charge people above the line.
Try to
avoid pre-conceived expectations (well of course both of us resident
adults are equally in charge here). Of those above the line, is there one
who’s more in charge than another? For example, it’s
common that in a new step-home, resident (and maybe absent) bioparents have more authority
over live-in and visiting biokids than the resident stepparent (see example 4).
A strong-willed, outspoken, or
an acting-out child, relative, or ex mate may strongly influence the decisions in your home. If so, draw a shorter
horizontal line above the responsibility line, and put the name or initials of this
strongest person above this line. If any home-leader is dead, put their
name in parentheses, or a circle.
Membership spot
checks: Many homes are strongly influenced by certain members’
beliefs. Such members’ relationship decisions and boundaries are often affected
by their deep belief in, and relationship with, a personal
Higher Power. If this is
true now in your home, find a way to symbolize the influence of such a
spiritual
home-structure member - e.g. {God} or {HP}.
Also,
many two-career homes
hire part-time or live-in child-care help. If you regularly use a nanny,
senior baby-sitter, relative, neighbor, or other child-care provider to help
parent any of your minor kids, decide how you want to add them to your household’s
structural diagram. They are affecting your children’s welfare! In the same way,
consider
any professional counselors of importance to any regular member of your house now.
Psychological, financial, school, sports, or career counselors, clergy, and medical professionals are
affecting your members’ emotional climate. How do you want
to note their presence and rank in your current relationship structure?
Now consider each adult
regularly living in your home (including
grown biokids), and pick a place on your
diagram for them. Options:
-
an active co-equal leader above the
responsibility line; or...
-
a
dominant leader above other members with some co-parenting authority; or...
-
an
emotionally-regressed, overwhelmed, sick, or withdrawn role under the
line (little or no authority or active influence on household
activities); or...
-
an emotionally
detached - or passively ignored - co-parenting role.
Examples:
Ann Ed
- - - - - - |
or
|
Ann
------
Ed
- - - - - |
or |
Ann
- - - - -
Ed |
or |
Ann
- - - (Ed |
Now add each resident minor child by name or initials: where do they
usually fit in your home’s emotional structure (in non-visitation mode)?
Common options: (1) co-equally below the line; (2) above the
co-parenting responsibility line - perhaps even running the whole home; (c)
emotionally excluded, withdrawn, or detached, and (d) dominated by one or
more other resident kid/s - a scapegoat or black sheep role. Samples (Al and
Jo are minor resident kids):
Examples:
Ann Ed
1) - - - - - -
C...C |
Ann
------
Ed
2) - - - -
C...C |
Ann
3) - - - - - - -
Ed C...C |
Ann
4) - - - (Ed
C..C |
Now add each resident minor child by name or initials: where do they
usually fit in your home’s emotional structure (in non-visitation mode)?
Common options: (1) co-equally below the line; (2) above the
co-parenting responsibility line - perhaps even running the whole home; (c)
emotionally excluded, withdrawn, or detached, and (d) dominated by one or
more other resident kid/s - a scapegoat or black sheep role. Examples
(Al and Jo are minor resident kids):
Ann Ed
1) - - - - - -
Al Jo |
Ann Al Ed
2) - - - - - - - -
Jo |
Ann Ed
1) - - - - - -
Al Jo |
Ann Al Ed
2) - - - - - - - -
Jo |
or |
Al
Ann Ed
2) - - - - - - -
Jo |
Ann Ed
3) - - - - - -
Al ) Jo |
Ann Ed
4) - - - - - -
Jo Jill
Al |
Some kids may rise and fall above and below the co-parental responsibility line (or a
scapegoat line), depending on who’s at home (or not), or what’s happening.
Draw each child in their main position in your home, or consider drawing several
structures.
Don’t forget to include any unborn kids who are on the way
(e.g. ??). They probably have a big effect on your emotional
structure! Also, include dead children (e.g. [George] )
who
haven't been well-grieved by all regular
members of your home. They still significantly influence these adults and kids.
2) Add
Communication Symbols ...
Once you’ve placed each resident in your home’s
structure, focus on whether each regular resident can communicate
or not in this (non-visitation) emotional
co-parenting-home's structure. Guidelines: Think
first about the adult couples (hopefully) above the co-parenting line: does each adult usually
feel:
-
safe enough to say clearly and honestly what they currently feel, and
need or want?
-
respectfully listened to (vs. agreed with)?
-
If these
both are true, are these people able to discuss and really resolve mutual
conflicts often enough (in your opinion)?
If they - or any two
people on your diagram - can meet these three conditions, it’s likely that they have
generally effective verbal communications. If they often don’t
meet these three conditions, draw a vertical line between them to symbolize
Use color for emphasis. If you're unsure,
use ?
If you feel a major trait
of your home is that co-parents and kids can’t meet these three conditions regularly
(now), make the main
horizontal co-parenting line
solid. Who’s
responsible for removing any verbal communication blocks in your home? See
for help.
By the way, ponder whether
you feel prayer or meditation is significant communication with important
spiritual and absent members of your home. Also consider phone, e-mail,
texting, and written-letter
patterns of communication. They all count!
3) Add
Coalitions and Antagonisms
Now you have members of your home located, and family verbal communication factors
symbolized. A final aspect of your home’s psychological structure to map are any
specially intense emotional polarizations between certain members. These can be
unusually strong bonds between adults and/or kids, like (Ann+Ed).
Note such regular alliances by circling the partners, using +, or another
clear notation.
Significant dislikes, distrusts, rejections, indifferences, and antagonisms
are common in and between average
stepfamily homes. Be honest about acknowledging any such relationships regularly
affecting your home’s basic emotional climate now (map what is, so you can
problem-solve!). Use lightning lines ( www ), slashes ( // ), xs, or any other symbols to show conflicted
members - e.g. Al>>||<<Jill. Needless to say, such relationships rarely
have effective verbal communications…
Now...
4) Add Home Boundaries
As a final option, ask yourself what’s the unspoken rule that currently governs
this home: are new people, customs, and ideas usually welcome here? Do
the adults’ invite friends and relatives to visit fairly often? Are the kids’
friends consistently welcome, and do they feel comfortable visiting this home? Are the
people in this home usually interested in the world, and in different customs, beliefs,
and new ideas? Are our adults selectively open with some trusted people in sharing
important aspects of our family and household life?
If you feel most of these
are true, then the emotional and social boundaries of this home are
open.
Draw a dashed square or circle around everyone in the home to symbolize this. This
implies that someone in the home sets these open boundaries (limits). Who?
If there were no boundaries,
all kinds of other kids and adults would be free to enter the home, use the resources
there, and leave when they wanted. Strangers, old lovers, remote kin, would come and go
without comment. There would be no sense of privacy. If the adults in this house freely
told acquaintances or strangers intimate details of their relationships and home life -
and encouraged the kids to do the same - the home would have no container - no
us-ness. Such homes are often very
(dysfunctional).
The
opposite condition occurs when
the adults silently or openly decree that new people, ideas, and beliefs are not to
be trusted, and aren’t welcome to cross the threshold. Kids are told rigidly who they
can invite in or be with. It’s clear that people who act and believe
differently (than we do) are wrong, untrustworthy, or bad.
Such distrusting adults
often rigidly enforce the rule Our family’s affairs are nobody else’s
business - we don’t talk about ourselves with others! Not freely
describing yourselves as one of a set of linked stepfamily homes is a form of this.
Such
homes may be said to have closed psychological and social
If your home
often seems to be like that, draw a solid circle or rectangle around it.
When adults feel an unusually
high need for personal and household privacy, the prevailing psychological climate inside
their home is often tension, anxiety, guilt, distrust, and repressed anger. Over time,
this infuses the personalities and attitudes of any resident minor kids.
Where
post-divorce
haven’t really healed in and between ex
mates, the adults often erect rigid emotional boundaries between their
homes. Their kids often feel
Insecure stepparents can promote
similar distrusts and boundaries, and/or can feel increasingly conflicted and
stressed because of them.
5) Final
check
Look at the symbols and relationships
you’ve created to show your home’s (non-visitation) emotional
structure. Stand in the imaginary shoes of each of your regular residents, one at a
time.
Would they agree that they and the other members seem to fit where you’ve mapped them? If you’re unsure, sketch some other combinations, and see how they feel.
Come back in an hour or several days, and scan again. Evolve your best fit,
and avoid trying
to be perfect! When you're satisfied
enough...
6) Add All Stepkids'
Other Homes
Now, on the same page, repeat the same diagramming process you’ve just done, with
all regular adult and child residents in the home of each living co-parent emotionally important to each
of your minor bio and stepchildren - including bioparents you rarely hear from.
These
adults do help shape the emotional life and welfare of their biokids, so they
affect the psychological climate in your home and re/marriage. Recall - you
haven’t begun mapping your homes during child
visitations yet…
Do the same assessments and
notations for special (spiritual, unborn, dead, absent, and professional)
members; significant
communications blocks; key relationship
alliances, exclusions,
and oppositions; and social and emotional
boundaries.
Take your time
mapping each home: the more time you take, the more awareness you’ll harvest.
When you’ve finished
this set of diagrams, notice your thoughts, and how you feel. Write about these, without
editing anything. See what happens.
Variations
After you’ve finished your baseline structural map, the next
step is to evolve other maps for any special conditions. These include:
Typical intact (1-home)
nuclear biofamilies don’t experience the first two of these. When average stepfamily homes
experience any of these four, they usually undergo major structural (role and
relationship) changes. Members typically feel extra stressed - or relieved, if
they gain privacy and quiet.
If the co-parents don’t all co-operate, communicate, and
try to problem-solve together, these stressful shifts from the baseline
psychological
structures of their homes usually corrodes re/marriages and stunts stepfamily
bonding over time.
Let’s look briefly at
each of these four special situations …
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Updated
September 29, 2015
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