Q8)
Who
comprises a stepchild's
nuclear family? If family members disagree on
this, what should co-parents do?
A nuclear family
traditionally refers to all people regularly living in a child's principle
home - usually bioparents and siblings. This is also true of a stepchild who's
custodial bioparent is a re/married widow/er.
Minor stepkids of
parents
often move back and forth between each bioparent's home, so their nuclear
stepfamily is all adults and kids regularly
living in
. This can eventually includes one or two stepparents; both
bioparents; any biological, step, and half-siblings; and any other live-in relatives.
Some adults or kids may want to exclude some residents of the
non-custodial parent's home from belonging to their nuclear stepfamily. This
is specially true if the rejecters deny their stepfamily
("We're just a family,
period!"). Such exclusions usually..
-
cause clusters of stressful
and relationship
in and between both homes,
-
confuse everyone, and...
-
hinder the growth of healthy new stepfamily
relationships and bonds.
Co-parent couples can minimize this stress by investing time and effort in
ideally
before committing
and cohabiting.
Any adults' or child's reluctance to accept their stepfamily identity and/or
to include an ex
mate or step-relative (a
conflict) suggests
and/or
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Q9)
What do divorcing bioparents and stepfamily co-parents
need to
know about family management and effective childcare? Where can they learn if
their role and relationship expectations are
realistic?
Typical adults need to
know and discuss these co-parenting and
stepfamily basics. To gauge the realism
of stepfamily expectations, see and discuss this article
and this worksheet.
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Q10)
What are
common barriers to co-parents nurturing cooperatively after
divorce and/or re/marriage, and how can the adults reduce these barriers?
Typical
and stepfamily co-parents face a mix of
to forming an effective caregiving
team.
in this Web site outlines effective options
for reducing these barriers together and raising your (step)family's
over time.
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Q11)
What
is a co-parenting style, and how can divorcing and stepfamily co-parents best
resolve major
style conflicts?
Every bioparent and
stepparent develops a caregiving style - a set of
values,
priorities, goals, and behaviors that shape how they nurture their dependent and grown
kids. Typical style factors are...
-
nurturing from the heart (being able to
with and truly respect and love each
unique child), vs. nurturing intellectually ("by the book") or dutifully (weak
or no real emotional-spiritual attachment);
-
being
reactive and
passive
(having few or no clear co-parenting
or plans)
or proactive
and involved (having clear goals and a
coherent
to reach them for each child;
-
intentionally learning
kids' needs
(reading books, taking classes,
asking questions), or parenting instinctively ("I already know what
children need");
-
focusing
(a) mainly on the kids' current and
long-term needs, or (b) valuing co-parents' and children's needs equally;
-
valuing
and modeling spirituality and
as an essential part
of effective childcare, vs. intellectualizing, ignoring, or scorning it;
More
components of a co-parenting style...
-
co-parental values on
discussing,
and enforcing disciplinary
limits and consequences;
-
ranking co-parenting
as a low
or high
amidst other daily
responsibilities and options. In stepfamilies, this style factor is
generally ranking kids' welfare higher or lower than other priorities like
self-interest, re/marriage, work, socializing, etc.;
-
seeing childcare as a
stimulating, rewarding privilege, or an onerous chore to be endured; and...
-
expecting kids to solve their own
problems, vs. patiently guiding them toward learning how to solve their
problems with appropriate guidance and help.
Which of these style-factors do you feel are most important, long term? Can you think of other
key co-parenting factors that mesh or conflict in your
past or current family? Note that these factors also apply to
co-grandparents' and other adults' nurturing styles.
Style factors like these are individual values or preferences.
They're based more on ancestry, upbringing, and
than "logic."
If caregivers' co-parenting styles
clash significantly, their minor kids need them to want to (a)
reduce any relationship
for all
family-members' sakes; and to (b) forge an effective strategy together for
spotting and resolving
and
Do your family adults have such strategies yet? If not, who is responsible
for evolving them?
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Q12)
If
a stepparent
has no prior child-raising experience (or none with boys, or girls, or teens),
should s/he have equal say in nurturing a stepchild? What if
stepfamily members disagree on this?
Childless
stepparents' lack of caregiving experience (and
co-parenting self-confidence) often causes conflicts in and between
new-stepfamily homes. Bioparents can love their new mate, and distrust and/or
disagree with her or his childcare beliefs, judgment, and/or behaviors. ("You
expect way to much from my daughter.") When this happens, typical
kids need their co-parents to want to...
acknowledge their stepfamily
and
to learn realistic stepfamily expectations;
acknowledge the conflict honestly, without
excessive
defensiveness,
keep a
long-term view, and agree on their current
and long-term
and family
:
which usually comes first with each adult:
personal
parenting, re/marriage, or something else?;
agree on...
_ a meaningful definition of
_ what each child
needs now and long-range,
_ realistic co-parent
and...
_ an
effective child-discipline scheme; and kids
need their co-parents to want to...
learn how to
(a)
to
identify their current
and
(b) to validate and
their
needs respectfully with each other; and to...
learn how to
effectively together, vs. fighting, postponing, preaching, complaining,
blaming, or avoiding.
suggests how to do this.
Even
if a stepparent has extensive parenting experience,
most authorities agree that
it's generally best to let the bioparents make most major co-parenting
decisions in the first year or so after re/wedding and/or cohabiting.
While that's
happening, typical stepdads and stepmoms need to feel included, informed,
considered, and respected enough by their mate, while they're earning their
stepkids' trust and respect and
their
biofamilies. For helpful perspective, see this
article, and
Becoming a Stepfamily: Patterns of Development in Remarried Families,
by Patricia Papernow.
If stepfamily relatives disagree significantly over how much childcare
authority a stepparent has, partners need to be clear on (a) their
and
(b) how to recognize and resolve
and
conflicts and relationship
Are
your family adults clear on these yet?
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Q13)
If a stepparent has biochildren, should s/he feel guilty or ashamed if
s/he honestly
cares more for them than one or more stepkids?
"Blood is thicker than
water" is a folk-saying meaning genetic bonds are usually stronger than legal
bonds or friendships. It's usually instinctive to favor your own child over a
stepchild, even if the latter has been in your life since infancy. Stepparents
can strive to be fair and impartial between biokids and stepkids, but if they feel
a preference,
is as unwarranted as for digesting food or
coughing.
blooms from believing you've broken
someone's rule - a should (not), must (not), can't,
have to, ought to.... "Love your children equally" is a
biofamily reflex and rule which often doesn't apply to average
stepfamilies. There are exceptions. If some of your
stepfamily members disagree with this point of view, you have a
to resolve.
Pretending you feel no preference when actions show otherwise sends a
which raises distrust and confusion and lowers respect. A practical
option can be to say something like "Yes, if the house were on fire, I'd
probably think of my children's safety first, but in non-fire times, I'm
trying hard to treat everyone the same. Each of you (children) is special to
me in your own way." For perspective, see this
article on managing three universal
family stressors.
Keep in mind that after family reorganizations (like parental separation and
re/marriage), kids instinctively need to test and retest
to shore up their
certainty they won't be abandoned or "demoted" because of the "new people."
This is specially true from
or
(wounded) kids from low-nurturance
childhoods.
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Q14) Is
it wrong for a bioparent to expect or demand that (a) their new mate
must
love their resident or visiting stepkids, or that (b) their
biochild must love their stepparent and/or stepsiblings?
Family adults or supporters who expect,
that stepkids, stepparents, and/or
stepsiblings love each other...
-
are uninformed,
and/or are probably ruled by a
who...
-
have
not fully
prior
(broken bonds), or...
-
haven't accepted the reality of their stepfamily
and/or what that
Stepparents who know this but don't confront such family
members or supporters are
them. Kids who aren't taught about
this unrealistic
love
expectation are specially vulnerable to feeling unwarranted
and
to seeking
approval by pretending what they don't really feel. See
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Q15)
What
can new mates do
if a co-parenting ex spouse or biased (wounded) relative demands that a child
reject or
disobey their stepparent?
Such demands create classic
and relationship
They
usually indicate false-self
, major
co-parenting
and unmet
Because these are
psychological problems, logical
requests and explanations ("Don't you see you're confusing the
child?") will usually not
change the adult's behavior, and raise hurts, resentments, and antagonisms.
Co-parent couples confronted with this situation can choose options
like these:
The Web address of this
four-page article is http://sfhelp.org/qa/co-p-q.htm