Continued...
Q30)
What
if a minor child
resists visiting
their noncustodial parent's home?
This surface problem is probably caused by one or more of these primary problems:
-
the co-parents in both homes are
ruled by
and don't know this, or that
work on
can
improve this over time;
and/or...
-
the co-parents can't
and
problem-solve effectively among themselves or with the child - i.e. they
haven't begun learning to use the seven
together; and/or...
-
something about the
visitation
process and/or the dynamics or psychological
of
the receiving home cause excessive
hurt, and/or anxiety - and
the child feels helpless to change that.
Option: (a) patiently and gently
with
the child to get clues to her or his discomfort
(b)
non-defensively, and
(c) own your adult
for cooperating to
helping to lower the discomforts. Usually changes are needed in both homes;
and/or...
-
one or more co-parents rejects their
stepfamily
or hasn't really accepted what that
identity
- i.e.
they have unrealistic stepfamily
expectations and don't know it; and/or...
-
one or more adults or kids hasn't progressed
far enough in
up to four sets of major
and/or...
-
co-parents haven't evolved effective
strategies to avoid or resolve
and
conflicts and associated
relationship
and/or...
-
co-parents are following
impractical or harmful stepfamily
advice; and/or...
-
the "visitation problem" is a red herring to
distract everyone from facing more serious problems like
psychologically-
divorces,
crime,
incest,
or a
dying
marriage.
Notice the theme: the "visitation problem" is not
the real problem!
top
Q31)
Is there a best way to handle one
bioparent
withholding child visitation from their ex mate?
When a bioparent withholds child visitation or contact
there are some likely primary problems causing that.
Fighting over the withholding -
specially if attorneys are involved - will
probably self-amplify, until all co-parents choose to
and refocus on investigating and
filling primary needs like these...
the co-parents in both homes are
ruled by
and don't know that, or that
can help change this, over time;
and/or...
the co-parents can't
and
problem-solve effectively among themselves - i.e. they haven't begun
learning to use the seven
together; and/or...
one or more co-parents rejects their
stepfamily
or hasn't really accepted what that
- i.e.
they have unrealistic stepfamily
expectations and don't know it; and/or...
one or more adults or kids hasn't
progressed far enough in
up to four sets of major
and/or...
co-parents haven't evolved
effective strategies to avoid or resolve
and
conflicts and associated
relationship
and/or...
co-parents are following
impractical or harmful stepfamily
advice; and/or...
the "withholding problem" is a red
herring to distract everyone from facing more serious problems like
psychologically-
divorces,
crime,
incest,
or a
dying
marriage.
top
Q32)
Is there a best way for co-parents
to handle
sexual attraction between a stepparent and stepchild? Between
stepsiblings?
Because typical
stepparents, stepkids, and stepsiblings didn't grow up with each other, the
incest taboo is usually significantly weaker among them than in healthy intact
biofamilies. The odds of prior sexual abuse and
dysfunction also may be higher in typical stepfamilies.
See the links from
this article to learn options toward reacting
to inappropriate sexual feelings or actions in and between your stepfamily
homes.
top
Q33)
How should co-parents handle a
co-grandparent or other relative clearly
treating their biograndkids better
than their step-grandkids?
When
such favoritism occurs, co-parents have powerful options like these:
Help each other
your
(capital "S") in
of your
via
or equivalent. Then assess the
"unfair" relative/s for false self
If you suspect significant wounds,
consider options like
these;
Learn and practice
effective-communication basics and
- specially
to identify and focus on
primary problems like
Check to see if the relative/s have accepted
your stepfamily
and what it
If
they haven't,
them
on this;
Assess the relative/s (or you all) for
(a)
and
(b) unresolved
divorce-related
If you find those,
refocus from the "unfairness" issue to resolving these first;
Check to see if you co-parents are clear on,
and have effective strategies for avoiding and resolving,
and
conflicts and associated
relationship
See if any of these common
to co-nurturing are
contributing to the "unfairness problem;" If so, choose among the options in
to patiently reduce your
barriers, over time;
Invite
the "unfair" (or all) relative/s to learn typical
stepkids'
developmental and family-adjustment needs, and ask their help in
filling them;
Co-parents clarify and affirm your (a) personal
rights
and (b) shared short and long-term
and stepfamily
If none of the above reduce the
secondary "unfairness" problem, then evolve clear behavioral
and
and enforce them
respectfully with the appropriate relatives. And...
Within age-appropriate limits, keep your
kids informed...
-
on what you're doing here and why, and...
-
that this loyalty conflict and related
triangles are
adult problems to fix, not theirs.
Even young kids can grasp loyalty-conflict
principles and can be intuitive and creative at resolving them. Option:
invite and coach each "second-class" stepchild to
the rela-tive/s
respectfully
how the latter's behavior affects them. This is not about guilt or blame,
it's about
and
empathy-building! Finally...
Study and discuss this article.
If
these don't reduce the primary and secondary problems "enough" over time,
consider using qualified
top
Q34)
Is there a best way to resolve complex
divorced-family or stepfamily disputes over
holidays and special celebrations?
Such conflicts are common in
most
families and stepfamilies.
Consider these options toward helping you all avoid and/or reduce
these stressors:
Work
to (a)
your
in
of
your
before and during
any celebration, and (b) help each other maintain a long-term outlook
(e.g. the next 20 years or more);
Use the Project-2
to
primary needs, plan your family gatherings well, and
to
cooperatively problem-solve
and
conflicts (unmet needs)
together as
vs. opponents.
Review and affirm all your adults and kids' equal human
rights as you encounter values and
need-conflicts;
Discuss the value of all your adults and kids accepting
your stepfamily
resolving
disputes, and evolving realistic
expectations about your stepfamily
relationships, and dynamics;
Help each other appreciate your shared needs
to (a) understand healthy-grieving
basics,
(b) spotting and freeing up
and
(c) forging a family-wide
over time;
Raise
everyone's awareness of (a) how typical stepfamilies
and
develop over many years, and of
(b) your stepfamily's
(goals);
When confusion occurs, help each other keep your
clear:
put your
first,
marriage/s second, and all else third, except in emergencies. Living from
this scheme will promote personal healing and guard you all
against possible psychological or legal re/divorce.
For more perspective and options, read
and discuss this two-page article.
top
Q35)
Are there any practical guidelines for co-parents to manage major disputes over
religion, race,
or sexual preference?
Typical stepfamilies are
composed of
biofamilies who
are more likely to differ in race, religion, or ethnic heritage than average
intact biofamilies. This is a chance to enrich everyone - and also can cause
significant
in and between co-parents' skins and homes. This is
specially likely where co-parents' ancestors grew up in
The Web address of this
four-page article is http://sfhelp.org/qa/co-p-q.htm