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This is one of 150+ Web articles about improving personal, relationship, and family health and satisfactions. This brief introduction describes the site's purpose, author, and the best ways to use this information. Each article is part of a mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.        This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving concepts. The series summarizes seven learnable communication (relationship) skills that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving internal and social conflicts effectively.         The practical guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key Project-2 Web articles and resources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many useful resources.                 Before continuing, stop and reflect - why are you reading this - what do you need?

        Adults growing effective thinking and communication skills together is a vital requisite for high-nurturance families and relationships. Average adults and all kids lack these skills, and accept having to endure frequent frustrations and conflicts as a result.

        Typical adults (like you?) don't know what they need to know about this vital social skill. Project 2 in this divorce-prevention Web site - and its related guidebook Satisfactions - exists to provide what average lay and professional people need to learn. They include full answers to the questions below, and more. Links in these questions lead to brief answers, and more detailed information. 

        To get the most from reading this, review these slide presentations on effective communication-basics and effective problem-solving. If you have trouble viewing the slides, see this, or read this text article. To further raise your interest, see how many of these common communication blocks you're used to using...

  Questions you should ask about effective communication

1)  Is there an overview of communication basics in this Web site? Yes

2)  What are "interpersonal communications"?

3)  What are "innerpersonal communications?"

4)  What are the concurrent needs we try to fill by communicating?

5)  What the are the two essentials for effective (vs. "good") communications?

6)  What is an "R message," and why can it make or break any communication?

7)  What can I do to improve the effectiveness of my verbal communications?

8)  Is it possible to not communicate with someone in a relationship? No!

9)  What are the three concurrent ways ("channels") we all use to decode "meaning" from each others' behaviors?

10)  What's a double or mixed message, and what causes them?
 

11)  What are the four kinds of messages we unconsciously decode from each other all the time (over each of our three channels)?

12)  What are the seven communication skills I (and anyone) can use to meet my social needs?

13)  What are the five types of conflict I can experience, and how can I and my partner/s resolve each of them?

14)  What do most people do instead of effective problem solving?

15)  What causes my "mind-racing or churning," and can I reduce it?

16)  How can I learn more about my non-verbal communication habits?

17)  What's an "E(motion)-level," and how does it affect my communication effectiveness?

18)  What are relationship " boundaries," and how can assert mine effectively?

19)  What's the difference between a surface need and a primary needs, and why should I care?

20)  What's the difference between a request and a demand - and why should I care?

21)  How can I become more confident and skilled at asking for what I need?

22)  What's the difference between assertion and aggression?

23)  What's the difference between verbal abuse  and aggression?

24)  What is communication-process " mapping," and why is it useful?

25)  Do typical males and females communicate differently? If so, why should I care?

26)  How can I learn to give effective feedback to others?

27)  What are communication sequences and patterns - and why are they important?

28)  What may I be doing that blocks effective communication with important others?

29)  How can I improve my communication outcomes in general, and with typical minor kids?

30)  What is a "Be spontaneous!" communication paradox, and why do they harm relation-ships?

31)  What are my communication options with an adult or child who won't tell me what they think or feel?

32)  Why is it often harder to communicate effectively with the people who mean the most?

33)  What are "self talk and "inner-voice dialogs," and why are they valuable?

34) Can I get all this information in one place? Yes - from these links and the Project-2 guidebook - Satisfactions - 7 Relationship Skills You Need to Know (xlibris.com, 2002)

35)  What are some other useful books on effective communication skills?

If you don't see your question here, please ask!

Q2 & Q8)  What are "interpersonal communications," and  Is it possible to not communicate with someone?

       Interpersonal communication is any perceived behavior that causes an emotional, physical, mental, or spiritual change in the perceiver. Because silence ("no response") is often assumed to mean something, there is no such thing as "We can't communicate" or "S/He didn't answer me."

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Q3)  What are "innerpersonal communications?" They are the thought streams, images, memories, hunches, intuitions, "senses," day and night dreams, fantasies, physical and emotional feelings, and knowings that kids and adults have all the time. These can be seen as communications between the different subselves comprising our personality, our body, and our spirit or soul. Normal people (like you) have inner conversations all the time!

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Q4)  What are the concurrent needs we try to fill by communicating?  Adults, kids, and infants try to fill two or more of these needs by communicating:

• To feel respected by ourselves and our partners, now and over time (a constant); and to...

• Give or get information (so we can understand and make informed choices), and/or we need to...

• Cause change (and feel impactful, vs. powerless) and/or to...

• Vent - i.e. to feel empathically understood and accepted) and/or we need to...

• Create excitement (avoid boredom and numbness); and/or to....

• Avoid discomfort, like a social silence, conflict, or a painful awareness.

These are the needs that are filled (satisfied) well enough when we feel communication is effective (Q5 below). Each of these communication needs aims to fill our other needs for enough current emotional, physical, and spiritual comfort. "Problems" are unfilled needs - i.e. discomforts.

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Q5)  What the are the two essentials for effective (vs. "good") communications? They are:

each participant feeling that they got enough of their current (a) core communication needs (above) and (b) other primary needs met (filled);...

in a way that leaves them feeling good enough about (a) themselves, (b) each other, and (c) the recent process between them. For example - lying may get the first essential, but not the second.

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Q6 & Q11)  What is a "R(espect) message," and why can it make or break any communication, and What are the four kinds of messages we unconsciously decode from each other all the time?

        The four messages we all decode concurrently from each other are: "Here and now,...

• your communication and relationship needs (motives) are..."; and...

• you are feeling emotionally and physically..."; and...

• you're thinking...", and...

• your current attitude about you and me is...
  
  "1-up" (your current needs, feelings, and opinions are more important than mine), or...
  
  "1-down" (they're less important than mine), or...
  
  "=/="  (they're just as important as mine.") 

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Q9)  What are the three concurrent ways ("channels") we all use to decode "meaning" from each others' perceived behaviors?

        They are...

words (verbal channel - estimated to convey under 10% of the spoken meaning we decode!

voice dynamics - (paraverbal channel): voice tone, inflection, tempo, accent, intonation, pace, and volume; estimated to provide ~25% of the meaning we decode; and the...

non-verbal channel: (facial expression + body posture and movement + eye contact + touch + smell) provide most of the meaning we decode from face-to-face interpersonal communication. They provide even more for pre-verbal kids!

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Q10)  What's a double or mixed message, and what causes them?

       Double or mixed messages occur when we perceive that the meaning on one channel (e.g. the words we hear) contradicts the meaning on another channel (e.g. what we see). Example: "I love you!" / "Don't touch me."

        Such self-contradicting messages leave us feeling uncertain, uneasy, and doubting our own perceptions and/or the sender's true feelings, intentions, and/or needs. Sending chronic mixed messages is a sure sign of false self dominance. Denial of doing this is another sure sign.

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Q12)  What are the seven communication skills I  can use to meet my personal and social needs?

        Before continuing, can you name them? Most adults can't, regardless of maturity and formal education. The skills are...

• Awareness - paying non-judgmental attention to up to 30+ communication (relationship) dynamics; and...

• Clear (vs. fuzzy) thinking - developing and using a wide, descriptive vocabulary, and  intentionally avoiding...

vague, ambivalent words and phrases, like this thing, that, it, them, then, you know, stuff, issue, and...

"hand-grenade" words and phrases (i.e. those which are emotionally "explosive" - like rape, abuse, stupid, insensitive, childish, selfish, bigot, weak, chauvinist, fanatic, incompetent...); and using awareness skill to avoid...

not focusing, and defocusing (changing the subject before finishing the current topic).

• Digging down below surface (secondary) "problems" (unfilled needs) to the primary needs underneath them

• Metatalk - talking objectively and factually together about how we're communicating, in order to affirm our strengths, and resolve our communication blocks; and...

• Empathic listening - periodically summarizing what we perceive the sender thinks, feels, means, and needs without comments or questions. Doing this does not mean we agree with the speaker!;

• Assertion - (a) being clear on our personal rights, (b) identifying and stating our current communication and primary needs clearly, directly, and respectfully, in a way that our partner can hear, and (c) handling expected resistances with empathic listening before firmly restating our needs; and...

• Problem solving or conflict resolution - identifying each other's needs and our own noncompetitively, and brainstorming mutually-satisfying (win-win) solutions - or genuinely agreeing to disagree. Effectiveness at this skill grows with fluency with all six other skills if your true Self  steadily guides your personality.

        Could you name these seven communication skills before reading this? If not, you're probably not using them! Does the premise that most people don't know what they need to know about communicating seem more credible now?

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More answers to questions you should ask about effective communication
 

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Updated  September 26, 2008