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Concluded...
Q11)
Where can I meet
other
stepfamily grandparents?
Demographers estimate that about 15 to 20% of American families
are stepfamilies now, with regional variations. That means
there are probably hundreds or
thousands of co-grandparents in your
community. Reality: many of them won't know, or will ignore or deny, their
stepfamily
titles, and/or
("Well, my daughter has stepkids,
but I'm not in a stepfamily.")
Depending on bond-patterns,
and frequency of contact, most
co-grandparents, step-aunts, and step-uncles have the same needs to be
noticed, respected, and appreciated, vent,
commune, and exchange support as co-parents and stepkids. If you need these
and want to meet others like you,
you can...
advertise in your local paper, library,
and schools ("Interested in meeting other grandparents with remarried kids?
Call..."); and...
ask if your church, hospital
family-service department, community center, or kids' schools would
sponsor a co-grandparent support group;
check the Web for useful support groups ("chat rooms" or "forums"); and...
review these suggestions for forming and maintaining an effective support group.
Finding effective supports for
needy
stepfamily relatives is part of co-parent
Option:
ask your co-grandparents or other step-kin if
(a) they accept that they belong to a normal
stepfamily, if so, ask (b) if that's confusing or stressful at times, and
(c) ask them to evaluate their level of support now via this
worksheet. Then discuss the results...
top
Q12) Are stepkids and
step-relatives supposed to love each other?
What if they don't?
Adults and kids who are ambivalent about or reject their
as a normal
stepfamily often make the mistake of expecting "instant
(biofamily) love" to appear after co-commitment ceremony.
Reality: respect, caring, and friendship among step-relatives may or
may not happen
over years of shared experiences.
Evolving mutual love like healthy biorelatives feel is rare. See
this and
this for more perspective.
top
Q13)
How long does it take for
typical stepfamily relatives to bond, stabilize, and feel like a
family?
Most stepfamily literature suggests that it takes at
four or more years after (each)
re/wedding
for the
of homes and members to
and stabilize their several biofamilies. Each stepfamily has unique
factors that determine whether they're
stuck,
slow, or fast. Major factors are whether the
related
co-parents...
-
are helping each other
any significant false-self
and...
-
genuinely accept their stepfamily
and
learn what it
and
are...
-
proactively
strengthening
their communication
and using them to patiently reduce any
major teamwork
and...
-
intentionally evolve a
family
together, and use it to spot and facilitate any unfinished
and...
-
learn stepkids
normal and
special needs,
clarify core
and
and
negotiate compatible co-parenting
and...
-
locate appropriate
and
intentionally work to help each other
as their stepfamily evolves.
|
An overarching factor is whether all stepfamily adults genuinely accept that they
may approach - but will probably never feel - the same bonding, loyalties,
and mutual love as members of a healthy intact biofamily.
That does not mean they can't
enjoy the benefits
of a
stepfamily!
|
I recommend
Becoming a Stepfamily: Patterns of Development in Remarried Families;
by Patricia L. Papernow. It proposes how four types of
stepfamily evolve, how long it takes them, and what factors affect that.
The Web address of this
three-page article is http://sfhelp.org/qa/kin-q.htm