The Web address of this
three-page article is http://sfhelp.org/qa/marriage-q.htm
Links in the questions below lead to
answers
here and/or in a new browser window or an informational popup - so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker, or accept popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This article is part of an educational
series which exists because our families and society
don't teach people essential information about key
topics. The series and Web site are based
on my clinical research and experience since 1979 with over 1,000 typical
self-referred Midwestern-US adults, couples, and some of their kids.
This
article focuses on vital
questions that committed mates with and without dependent kids should ask about their relationship.
Another article offers useful questions and answers for
seriously-dating (uncommitted) couples with and
without existing kids.
Before reading further, pause, breathe, and reflect - why are you reading this?
What do you
need?
Perspective
Typical women and men seek a partner to share their lives with. Each mate
tries to fill a group of concurrent
needs by committing to a
primary relationship. Their psychological and physical health can be significantly affected by how well the relationship
fills their mutual
needs, including their unconscious needs for
integrity and
self-respect.
U.S. divorce
statistics suggest that typical American mates are having trouble (a)
making three wise commitment
choices, and (b) maintaining a mutually-satisfying
relationship with their partner. This divorce-prevention Web site proposes that troubled couples
are often unaware of...
This
educational site also proposes that many needy, wounded people - with and without kids -
choose the wrong
partner, for the wrong
reasons, at the wrong
time.
When this is
true, it may not be possible to resolve significant relationship problems. For
perspective, see these Q&A items for typical courting (pre-commitment) couples.
The
odds for a mutually-satisfying primary relationship rise significantly if mates
want to research and discuss key questions like those in this two-part article.
Part one pertains to any primary relationship, and part two to typical
stepfamily unions. Both parts apply to couples who are legally married or
not.
My
practical guidebook The Remarriage Book - overcome common
stressors together (Xlibris.com, 2002) offers answers to all the
questions below, and more. Most of the content applies to any primary
relationship. Use the answers here to augment, not replace, other qualified
counsel.
To get the most from reading this Q&A article, first invest time reading and discussing these
foundation articles about...
Impatience
and/or
reluctance
to study and discuss these resources suggests you may be ruled by a well-meaning
false self. See
this for a preliminary check. If you
aredominated
by a false self, see
Project 1,
and lower your expectations about benefiting from this
article.
+ + +
Questions you should research about primary relationships
These questions and answers are in two groups: for (a) all couples, and (b) stepfamily
couples.
5)
After reading
this,
I believe my partner is often ruled by a
false self. S/He denies this, and/or won't discuss it without
getting defensive, overwhelmed, or angry. What can
I do?
6) When we try to
discuss important issues, we often wind up arguing and fighting.
What can we
do?
7) I often feel my
partner doesn't want to hear me in important conversations. S/He
interrupts me, changes the subject, misunderstands, blanks out, or leaves.
What can I do?
8) I'm losing
respect for and/or
trust in my mate - what can I do?. Follow the
links and discuss what you find.
9) Our lives are so jammed that my
partner and I have little non-distracted time together. What
can we do? Read and discuss this.
10) My mate and/or I
have an active addiction (including co-dependence). What are our options?
See this series of articles.
11) One of us
is having a
romantic/sexual affair. What can we do? See and discuss
this.
12) I don't feelloved and/or sexually
desired by my partner. What can I do?
Follow the links, and discuss what you find with your mate.
13) I'm
oftentorn between my mate and one or more other people (like a child or
parent). What should I do?
Questions you should ask about stepfamily
unions
If you're committed but not legally re/married, substitute "primary
relationship" for "re/marriage" in these questions and answers. The "/"
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union.
If you haven't yet, read these Q&A items
about courtship first.
14) Is
stepfamilyre/marriage
different
than first marriage? No
and yes.
15) What do mates
need to know about stepfamily re/marriage?
16) Why
do millions
of American stepfamily
re/marriages fail legally or
psychologically?
18) Is there a
best way to resolve
stepfamily-re/marriage problems?
Yes!
19) My mate and I disagree on whether
we're a stepfamily or not. Should I/we
be concerned about this?
Yes!
20) My partner
complains I'm
too responsive to my ex mate (my kids' other bioparent). I disagree, and
feel misunderstood and judged unfairly.
What are my options?
21) My
partner ignores
me when my stepkids visit, and I'm turning into
someone I don't like. When I say how I feel, my mate denies s/he's ignoring
me, or says I'm oversensitive or "Grow
up," or we fight or avoid each other.
What can I do?
22) My partner and I can't agree on
(a)
conceiving a child together, or (b) legally adopting a stepchild. What are our
options?
23) My
ex mate is about to
re/marry. Should we mates do anything to
prepare us and the
kids? Yes.
24) After we re/married, my
partner turned into a
different person. What can I do?
25) My
partner wants a child to
move in with us full time. I'm scared this could wreck our marriage, but
s/he disagrees. What can we do?
26) My mate and I constantly fight
about money-related problems, and it's weakening our relationship and
stressing the children. What can we do?
27) My
partner seems listless, apathetic, and sad all the time, and isn't
snapping out of it. I'm getting worried s/he is clinically
depressed. What
can I do?
28) I'm getting really fed up with my
mate allowing disrespect
from an ex mate, child, or relative. How
can I get my partner to get some backbone, set some boundaries, and honor my needs?
29) My partner calls me
by his/her former partner's name, and says "I can't help it." I need this to
stop! What can I do?
30) When should we consider
re/marital
counseling, and how can we pick an effective counselor?
31) I'm
considering separation or
re/divorce. What are my
options?
32) Iworry that a relative or friend
who's about to re/marry is making a major mistake.
What can I do?
Q1) What
isa "committed
relationship" and what is "marriage"?
For initial perspective on answering these questions, scan
these Q&A items and return here.
Premises - a
relationshipexists when someone feels that one or both people are
"significantly affected" by the existence, values, and/or behaviors of the
other person - locally or over time. Relationships exist to
fill a mix of each partner's personal needs - i.e. to reduce significant
current and chronic emotional, physical, and/or spiritual discomforts.
Do you agree?
Relationships can be with a living
thing or something inanimate like a value (e.g. honesty), dream ("a
happy family"), or a cause (e.g. reducing poverty and hunger).
Relationships can be voluntary or required by circumstances - e.g. a
spouse "must" have relationships with their partner's relatives, even if
they don't care about or like each other. Try sorting the relationships with
adults and kids in your life into voluntary and required. What do you notice?
Now try saying your definition of commitment out loud, as tho you were explaining it to a
typical pre-teen. See how it compares to this opinion:
"Commitment" is a conscious decision
to invest time and energy in something (like a role, relationship, or cause)
whether it's satisfying (need-fulfilling) or uncomfortable (need-causing).
Giving consistently high
priority
to someone or something in times of
crisis,
change, confusion, and major conflicts indicates significant commitment.
These premises imply that
in a
committed primary relationship, one or both partners voluntarily
assign consistently high priority to maintaining their relationship in
stressful situations - while feeling strongly concerned about, loyal
and/or obligated to, and/or attracted to, other persons. Classic commitment
(values) conflicts
occur between a primary relationship and a mate's
integrity, health,
career, parent/s, child/ren, relatives, or an
addiction.
Marriage has many
psychological, social, religious, and legal meanings. Recent social tradition implies married mates
will (a) want to maintain the primacy of
their relationship, and will (b) love each other unconditionally "for
better and for worse."Would you agree that partners who share a clear,
conscious
definition of marriage probably increase their chance of long-term
success? Can you and your partner define it? Compare your
ideas with this:
Modern marriage
is a voluntary religious and/or spiritual, social, legal, (usually) sexual, long-term,
relationship between two independent adults. Each partner
voluntarily commits
to the other hoping to fill a dynamic
mix of psychological, physical, mental, and spiritual
needs. A "good
or healthy marriage" is one that fills enough of each partner's needs "well
enough," in their opinions.
For more perspective, see (a) these Q&A items on
divorce, (b) these
articles on solving
common marital problems, and (c) this perspective on
stepfamily re/marriage.
Q2)
What needs do most people try to fill
by committing to a primary partner?
A need is sensed (unconscious) or conscious psychological, physical, or spiritual
discomfort. All animal behavior and all relationships seek to
fill a mix of current primary needs. If you are orwere committed
(Q1) to a primary partner, can
you name the needs you each wanted to fill by co-committing? Each partner
may have a different mix and ranking of needs, tho many are the same.
Naming these needs allows you to
(a)
assess your relationship "health," and
(b) identify
significant problems (unfilled needs). Try
reflecting and writing
down the needs you feel a (or your) primary relationship aims to satisfy. Then compare
your results with this.
Q3)
What is a successful or healthy primary relationship?
Try
reflecting andsayingyour definition of a successful or
wholistically-healthy
primary relationship
out loud. Then compare your opinion to this:
"A healthy primary relationship is…
mutually chosen by two
partners, who each...
are usually
led
by their true Selves or are intentionally progressing toward that;
and each is...
usually
self-aware (vs. numb, deluded, or distracted), and
each partner...
consistently
feels that their key psychological + spiritual + mental + physical
relationship-needs are
filled well enough,…
in a
way that often promotes genuine personal
healing and
growth toward manifesting (a) each partner's unique life-purpose, and
(b) social, spiritual, and ecological harmony; while the partners…
help each
other stay
balanced as they adapt to
ceaseless personal and environmental
change."
You partners will probably update your definitions of
healthy marriageover time, as you age, gain wisdom and perspective
together, and your needs and priorities shift. You'll be able to describe the shift if
you each choose to
(a) slow down, (b) practice awareness, and (c) talk honestly and
empathically together...
typical committed couples (a) are unable to think, communicate, and
problem-solve
effectively
as true partners, and (b) accept, and/or (c) don't know how to
improve this; and...
if
troubled couples seek effective (informed)
professional help, they often can't find any locally or in the media;
and...
the
American public is currently making no significant efforts to reduce
these problems, so our laws and media promote and condone them.
Underneath
these four problems is the real primary problem
- public unawareness and denial of the toxic [wounds + unawareness]
cycle
that is inexorably eroding our families and society. See
this for three practical ways you
can reduce this cycle in your family and society, and protect your
family from psychological or legal divorce.
Q6) When we
mates try to
discuss important issues, we usually wind up arguing, fighting, or shutting
down. What can we
do?
This usually indicates significant false-self (psychological) wounds in one
or both mates + shared ignorance of effective
thinking and communicating
basics and
skills. Both
can be improved, once they are admitted (vs. denied). Commit to helping
each other progress at
Projects 1
and
2
together patiently, and enjoy the results - more win-win
problem-solving,
fewer arguments and fights, and a more satisfying relationship.
Read and discuss these
Q&A items and this
article for three specific steps you mates can commit to consistently
improve your communication
outcomes
and satisfactions together.
Q7)
I often feel my partner doesn't want to hear me in important
conversations. S/He interrupts me, changes the subject, misunderstands,
blanks out, or leaves. What can I do?
The way you behave in general or in
key situations causes your partner some discomfort, but s/he
isn't telling you, so you can't
problem-solve. Option: ask your mate if you're
doing something that impedes her or his hearing you. Ask specifically what
R(espect)-message s/he usually decodes
from your behavior. Does s/he feel its
safe to answer you honestly?
Review the skill of
empathic listening. In important conversations,
ask your mate for hearingchecks - i.e. periodically summarizing what s/he hears you saying,
feeling, and needing. If your partner hedges or
defers,
dig-down to uncover the primary
problem/s beneath that.
Check these summaries of common
communication blocks and
tips for insights and ideas.
Refresh your understanding of the
Project-2 skills of
metatalk, respectful
assertion, and giving
effective feedback.
Then use them to craft and deliver appropriate
"I"-messages (assertions) about what you
need - specifically - from your mate ("Pat, I need you to respect my
requests to put down the paper or turn off the TV and look at me when I need
an important conversation with you.")
Review these
phrases and this
metatalk worksheet for ideas. Experiment with
meta-comments like "Pat I'm feeling unheard by you now, which frustrates /
irritates / discourages... me." (Note the difference between that and a
blameful "you" statement like "You never listen to me!"
Look for patterns when the
non-hearing occurs - i.e. (a) repeated communication
sequences ("A" initiates >
"B" reacts > "A" reacts > "B" reacts...)
(b) at certain times, places, and/or
situations. Patterns may provide clues to what causes or triggers the problem.
Review these other
problems with your partner, and see if
any may be related to the non-hearing.
If these options don't fill your need to be
heard (respected) well
enough,
you may have deeper psychological and/or relationship problems. Consider
qualified professional help.
Q13) I'm often torn between my
mate and one or more other people (like a child or parent). What should I do?
This common relationship
stressor can be called a loyalty or
priority conflict, as in "Who should I be the most loyal to (side
with, support) in a dispute? If I choose one person, the other will be hurt.
If I don't choose either person, they'll both be hurt! These dilemmas
are a type of normal relationship stressor called
values conflicts.
They usually evoke one or more simultaneous stressors called relationship
triangles.
The good news is, you can
permanently avoid and resolve these dilemmas if you're willing to...
adopt a long-range view, rather than seeking
a quick fix;
The Web address of this
three-page article is http://sfhelp.org/qa/marriage-q.htm
Perspective
Questions you should research about primary relationships