The Web address of this
three-page article is http://sfhelp.org/qa/marriage-q
Continued from
p. 1
Q14)
Is stepfamily re/marriage
different
than a first marriage?
Yes and no.
All
marriages exist to fill basic
However, the environment
around stepfamily mates differs from typical
first marriages in at least six interactive ways:
-
one or both partners usually has
painful life experience and many
(broken bonds) to mourn from prior
or mate death; and...
-
courtship
environments
and phases are different, and...
-
adult
adjustment-tasks are different,
after committed cohabiting, and...
-
family
structures are different
in up to 30 ways, and
there are more...
-
concurrent, alien conflicts over family
+
+
+ assets and debts +
+
relationship
+
childcare +
names + family
(responsibilities); and...
-
stepfamily social status is
different - i.e. abnormal
("stepfamilies are non-traditional..."),
second-rate ("...and
somehow inferior"), and have far fewer
social
supports).
This nets out to:
typical
stepfamily re/marriages have a less stable and supportive environment, and
more concurrent conflicts, than average first-marriages. The "/" in
re/marriage notes it may be a stepparent's first union.
U.S. re/divorce-rate
estimates suggest that these differences combine with
to overcome many
stepfamily
mates' mutual commitment and greater life experience and
Your odds for long-lasting re/marital bliss rise if you can describe how
these factors each and all affect your primary relationship and other family-members' well-being. Can you two do that now?
top
Q15)
What do typical mates need to know about stepfamily re/marriage?
To evolve and maintain a long-term, mutually-satisfying re/marriage, I propose that
typical co-parent couples need to learn - ideally starting in courtship -
that these
will probably destroy their
love and
commitment and
their kids; unless
each partner wants to commit to steady,
effort helping each other learn,
tailor, and work at these
Restated: for
long-term partnership satisfaction,
typical co-parent couples need to want to learn and apply these
stepfamily,
re/marriage, and
co-parenting ideas,
plus some
unique to their
situation. This major
enterprise is similar in scope, duration, and complexity to committing to
four years' higher education and passing many
along the way to prove competence at...
-
and building
healthy
and...
-
effective
and
and...
-
adapting to many alien, concurrent
stressors and
changes without losing personal
and
re/marital
and...
-
this whole challenging process often
enough!
top
Q16)
Why do millions
of American stepfamily
re/marriages fail legally or
psychologically?
After
29 years' professional research and my own stepfamily experience, I believe
many (most?) U.S. stepfamily couples
call divorce attorneys or endure psychological divorce for a mix of five
reasons:
-
significant psychological
in one or both mates;
-
(lack of knowledge) of key topics,
-
incomplete
in one or more stepfamily members, including kids and ex mates;
-
choosing the
to commit to, for the wrong
at the wrong
and...
-
little
effective help
available when stresses accumulate.
This divorce-prevention Website and related
guidebooks exist to explain and
illustrate these hazards and
that can neutralize
them. The key to succeeding at these Projects is mates helping each other patiently
their
to harmonize and lead their team of
top
Q17) What can we partners
do to succeed,
long term?
Commit together to...
honestly accept your
as a stepfamily,
which means that
you and your living and unborn kids are at high risk of eventual
re/divorce for
despite
your
prior experiences, love, and determination; and then...
commit to work patiently at
the
of 12
safeguard Projects for many months during courtship, to grow the best odds for picking the
right
to re/wed, at the right
for the right
Committed partners
need to want to work at
to those
you began while courting. If you didn't do this, (a) work at
together to
for false-self
and then
(b) evaluate whether you each made
If
you did, then co-commit to doing
ongoing projects with
your kids, ex mates, and relatives while you
balance
careers, friendships,
civic responsibilities, daily and special chores,
personal growth, with times to relax and play.
If mates discover they didn't make three
wise commitment choices, they can still...
-
their
and
harmonize their
over time;
-
learn
much of personal and co-parental value from these Projects, including how to
and
their lost dreams
effectively; and...
-
make
aware, informed decisions about
what they want to do with their lives short and long term.
top
Q18)
Is there a
best way to resolve
stepfamily-re/marriage problems?
Yes! All personal and
relationship "problems" are combinations of unmet needs
(discomforts). The best way to handle stepfamily (or any social) problems is to...
and keep your
in
of your
adopt and keep
a genuine mutual-respect
attitude, and...
use your
to follow your version of
this general problem-solving
framework.
Popular alternatives to this are
allowing your
to fight, blame,
argue, defer, ignore, pretend, analyze, preach, threaten,
hint, numb out, debate, explain, manipulate, give up or in, interrogate, whine,
run away, and/or collapse.
See your favorites here? See
this article for more perspective.
top
Q19)
My mate and I disagree on whether
we're a stepfamily or not. Should I/we
be concerned about this?
YES! If any of your related
co-parents ignore or minimize
your
or what that identity
puts your
adults and kids at high risk of...
-
using unrealistic biofamily
expectations in building your
stepfamily roles and relationships, and...
-
ignoring vital
biofamily-
adjustment tasks
- i.e. minimizing or discounting
These can increasingly burden
your primary relationship. If you're
unsure whether your family adults and kids accept
your step-identity, read this overview of
Project 3, and use this
worksheet to explore.
top
Q20) My partner
complains I'm
too responsive to my ex mate (my kids' other bioparent). I disagree, and
feel misunderstood and judged unfairly. What are my options?
If you mates disagree over
boundaries with,
or the
of, someone's ex mate, there are probably
several primary (underlying) problems
and many options:
One or both of you partners
are
ruled by a
and you don't know
that, what it
or what to
about it.
And/or...
One or both of you made up to three
If so,
(a) you can't undo that, and (b) you can learn from it, cut your
losses, and carefully weigh your
options.
You two aren't effective with the
communication
and struggle with some of these communication
Restated:
the
you're trying to resolve your "ex mate problems" is
promoting your stress; And/or...
One or both of you haven't used
+
+
skills to unearth
what (a) you
and
(b) who's responsible for filling those needs; And/or...
One or both ex mates need to finish
(accepting) the major losses from
(a) their divorce and (b) your re/marriage and
cohabiting; and/or they need to
resolve any residual
from those;
And/or...
You
two haven't yet evolved effective strategies to spot and resolve
