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Q23) My ex mate is about to
remarry. Should we mates do anything to
prepare us and the
kids?
Yes, Prepare for many
un/foreseeable changes in and between your homes by doing things like
these with your partner (if any), and key relatives and supporters...
Refresh your
understanding of stepfamily
basics,
and the 12
safeguard family
Review your definition of
to your
stepfamily. Does or will anyone oppose full membership to the new co-parent
and his or her kids and relatives? If so, how will that opposition affect
you each and all? Do you need to do anything about that now?
Review the
that will probably start to shift when your ex
cohabits, and you all start to merge the new
co-parents' biofamily with your
You can
react to the changes, or
anticipate and manage them;
Review (or draft) your
Bills of Personal Rights, and
authorize yourselves to ask the ex mate for information about their new
partner and expected living arrangements. You have a right to ask, for the
ex's choice/s will surely send significant ripples throughout all your
stepfamily homes, relationships, and routines;
Review (or draft) your stepfamily
and talk
together about the probable
physical and
invisible losses (broken bonds) that your kids and
adults will need to mourn as your stepfamily adjusts over several years.
Re-do this every several months together until things stabilize enough. Make
your kids and relatives part of this review.
Review your existing co-parental
strategies to avoid or spot and manage
and
conflicts, and
relationship
You'll
surely have new ones!;
More possible preparations for an ex-mate's
re/marriage...
Refresh your
awareness of traits of
psychologically-
people, and
respectfully
the new co-parent for false-self
dominance. Ideally, the ex mate would want
to do that for her or his own reasons.
If the new person seems significantly
wounded, read and discuss this. If you feel the ex
may be making a re/marital mistake, invite him or her to read that article
and this one.
Review your stepfamily
or draft
one. Then use it to review your unspo-ken or written co-parental
They'll probably (need to)
shift as the new co-parent and her or his relatives (hopefully) integrate
into your
over several years.
Let your kids know of the coming
changes as soon as practical. Ask for their reactions and questions over
some weeks, and then
Expect
some or all of them to re/test their status and securities as the "new
people" start to affect your homes, finances, and rou-tines.
Consider asking the ex mate who's
re/marrying what s/he needs from you, relative to wel-coming and adjusting to
the new persons and their changes. Consider asking him or her to assess the
new co-parents' outlook on, experience with, and knowledge of stepfamily
facts, realities,
and
Help each other to keep your...
-
(a)
glass-half-full and (b)
attitudes,
-
long-range
(e.g. 20-25 year) outlook, and...
-
several
as
your stepfamily changes unfold across the seasons.
Be inspired, not limited, by this
menu of options for preparing for the changes your ex-mate's new
partner and relationships will bring you all.
top
Q24) After we re/married, my
partner turned into a
different person. What can I do?
It's likely that one or both of you...
-
are ruled by a protective
and don't know
- or
- that, and what it
-
didn't really
what you were attempting in founding or joining a complex, alien, high-risk
and you made
up to three
and/or you...
-
don't
know effective communication
basics and the seven Project-2
and
are stressed by some or many of these common
blocks;
-
aren't aware you two need to learn how to identify and resolve
and
conflicts, and relationship
as true partners;
and/or you...
-
may not know how to (a) complete
your prior divorce or death and re/marital
and/or
(b) resolve related
and/or you...
-
don't know yet how to
(a) assess your dependents' current
developmental and
family-adjustment needs, or how
to (b) form an effective
to help fill your kids' needs and your own.
Adopt
a
long-range
view and the objective "mind of a student." Then follow the links,
and patiently tailor and discuss what you find...
top
Q25)
My
partner wants a child to
move in with us full time. I'm scared this could wreck our marriage, but
s/he disagrees. What can we do?
In a significant minority of typical U.S. stepfamilies, one or more
stepkids eventually change custodial homes. If these moves are unexpected (crisis-driven),
conflictual, and/or poorly planned, the combined stresses that
result can compound existing ones, to promote stepfamily dis-integration and
psychological or legal re/divorce.
Even with effective inter-home communication and planning, this
change sets
off complex interactive shifts in both homes' routines, priorities, space,
finances, loyalties, roles, and relationships. These inevitably cause
important
in the sending and receiving homes, which need to be acknowledged and over time. If your partner doesn't share your (probably justified)
anxieties about a stepchild moving in with you...
make sure your
true Self is directing your dynamic
and that
all your co-parents are clear on your stepfamily
and what it
then...
affirm your mutual personal
rights, get undistracted,
and
to unearth your
relative to changes in your homes; then...
review these
developmental and typical stepchild
family-adjustment-needs, and
assess and rank your
stepchild's key needs (a) now and (b) after the move;
confirm you have an =/= (mutually-respectful)
and a two-person
refresh
your
skill, and
your needs
to your partner;
if s/he doesn't seem to hear you or treat
your needs or opinions as equally important, (a) study and apply
the answer to Q7, and
(b) check to see
if any of these communication blocks are impeding you both filling your needs well enough;
ensure all your co-parents are clear on
(a)
your adult
and
invite your partner to
and
(b)
identify the primary (vs. surface) needs this move aims to fill.
If your mate puts her or his
child/ren ahead of you and your re/marriage, you have a
significant problem;
expect that if your stepchild moves in, you
all will experience waves of new
and
conflicts and relationship
If you mates
haven't stabilized effective strategies to (a) deal with each of these
fundamental stepfamily stressors and/or to (b) help each other
your
(broken bonds) well, assess
whether
anything blocks you all from doing so now;
as partners, review these
problem-solving basics, and these options for
managing complex stepfamily changes well. Then apply them thoroughly and patiently to your situation
as partners, not opponents - with
informed
as needed.
top
Q26)
My mate and I constantly fight
about money-related problems, and it's weakening our relationship and
stressing the children. What can we do?
Stepfamily
fights over
earning, spending, managing, and
saving money, child support, asset and debt ownership, and estate plans are
usually symptoms of underlying
Read and discuss
this article and the linked articles
in it for insight and practical options.
top
Q27)
My partner seems listless, apathetic, and sad all the time, and isn't
snapping out of it. I'm getting worried s/he is clinically
depressed. What
can I do?
Depression
is a real neuro-chemical condition that lowers kids' and
adults' energy, motivation, and ability to enjoy life. If prolonged or
acute, these symptoms cause secondary personal and relationship
problems. Many lay people and
professionals aren't aware that some
of normal
three-level
are easily mistaken
for depression.
Typical
and
adults and
kids, including close relatives, have major sets of
(broken bonds) to mourn,
and often came from, or live in,
settings.
If you're concerned your mate is
"depressed," study and discuss
this article for perspective and many choices.
top
Q28)
I'm getting really fed up with my
mate allowing disrespect
from an ex mate, child, or relative. How
can I get my partner to get some backbone, set some boundaries, and honor my needs?
You may not know what you
or how to
your needs effectively. Review
this article on respect,
this description of effective "I-messages,"
and this article on setting
effective boundaries, for
perspective and effective options.
top
Q29)
My partner calls me
by his/her former partner's name, and says "I can't help it." What can I do?
One or more of these are probably true:
Your mate (a) is ruled by a
and doesn't know it, or
(b) isn't willing to
for it
and/or (c) commit to
from it; and/or...
You probably don't yet know
how to help each other (a) maintain a two-person
and to
(b)
below typical surface problems to the
"beneath," and agree on who's responsible for
filling these
needs; and/or...
Your mate hasn't completed
essential
of prior-marriage
and/or (some subselves) still feel
strong love and
desire for their ex mate. If true, one
implication is you both probably made up to three
from false-self neediness, and shared key ignorances and
and/or...
You
(a) are ruled by a
and don't
admit it; and you aren't yet clear on (b) your personal
rights,
(c) your current
and
(d) how to
them and
(e) your
boundaries
effectively via the seven Project-2 communication
Bottom line: if your
"name problem" significantly hurts, angers, and frustrates you and
doesn't fade away after re/wedding, your mate is probably not "the problem"
- you both are. Adopt a long-term outlook and the open mind of a student.
Then commit to helping each other
your
true Selves
in
charge, and patiently progress on the appropriate safeguard
(harmonize your
and
(learn to think
and communicate effectively) are key to progress with all 10 other
safeguards against these five common re/divorce
top
Q30)
When should we consider
re/marital
counseling, and how can we pick an effective counselor?
Our unremarked U.S.
re/divorce epidemic
suggests that stepfamily re/marriage is a complex, highly stressful
relationship that eventually defeats millions of typical partners. From
29 years' as a full-time stepfamily researcher,
educator, and therapist, I believe
typical co-parent couples (a) need counseling and
education to help them make three wise
and (b) will probably need
professional help at times if they choose to re/wed.
I suspect you mates can profit from qualified stepfamily re/marriage
counseling if:
you've
each (a) honestly
for false-self
wounds and (b) believe your respective
The Web address of this
three-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/qa/marriage-q.htm