Q1) What are
common marital and family "money
issues"?
Though details vary infinitely,
there are common themes to surface
"money problems" in typical families, like these...
|
income amounts and allocations
checkbook management
investment decisions and management
kids' allowances
loans, and gifts to family and
charities |
saving vs. spending
debt management
taxes
gambling
inheritances |
insurance coverages
expense management
wills and estate plans
retirement plans
prenuptial agreements |
Each
of these can cause significant conflict and
in and between family
homes. Stress often blooms over several of them at once, combined with other marital
and family "problems"
"Problems" are unfilled needs or discomforts.
Without exception,
each topic above can be a
significant stressor, but is NOT the problem.
Each is a symptom of several underlying (primary) problems which
people (like you?)
are often unaware of. If adults focus only on trying to resolve surface
problems, they're likely to recur and/or multiply. See Q2 below.
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Q2)
What causes all surface "money
problems"? At least five primary factors:
One or more
family adults is dominated by a
(wounded) and
(a) doesn't (want to) know that,
what the wounds
or what to
about them. And
typical adults...
Don't know what they need to know about
and
so they aren't
motivated to learn communication
basics and seven
problem-solving
A corollary is typical lay people and family professionals...
Don't know how to avoid or
identify and resolve values conflicts
(Q4), loyalty conflicts (Q5),
and associated relationship triangles (Q6).
And typical women and men...
Aren't
of
they try to resolve their "money" (and other) problems, so they
(a) focus fruitlessly on the surface (secondary)
disputes, and (b) grow frustrated because of many of these communication
And...
If conflicted partners seek professional
help to resolve disputes over "money" (or other issues), they can't find
consultants who know the prior four problems and what to do about them.
Does the premise that "all 'money
problems' are not really about money" seem more credible now? Do
any of these primary problems apply to your situation?
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Q3)
How can we prevent and/or permanently resolve our marital and family "money"
problems?
By patiently committing to steps like these with the other people involved:
-
_ Agree that your money problems are
surface issues, and _ commit
to resolving the primary problems (Q2 above) that cause them - as
teammates, not opponents.
-
Adopt a long-term view, vs. just reducing
immediate conflicts.
-
Redefine all your "money problems" as
"We need to (a) admit and
our psychological
and (b) learn
how to
effectively together."
-
You and each "conflict partner"
commit to progressing at
(reducing false-self wounds), and put that among your top
five life
In all situations, learn how to
your wise
to
your
As you progress at this vital work together, also...
-
Commit to learning how to problem-solve effectively
(i.e. to progress on
and add this to your top life-priorities. This includes learning how
to avoid and resolve values conflicts (Q4 below), loyalty conflicts
(Q5), and
relationship triangles (Q6) together.
-
In non-emergency
put your
and
first, your primary relationship second, and all
else third, without excessive
and/or anxiety.
-
Invite other people affected by your "money
problems" (including any professional helpers) to read and discuss this
article and take appropriate actions. If minor kids are affected, help
them understand what you're doing and why, in age-appropriate language.
-
If you're in a divorcing family or
stepfamily, see Q8-Q15 for more steps.
-
For "extra credit," consider
alerting others in your workplace or
school, church, community, region, state, or nation what you're learning
here.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - how do you feel about these three "money"
questions and answers, so far? Are you motivated to take the steps above
now? (No > sort of > yes). If not,
suspect that a well-meaning
is
you.
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Q4)
What is a
values conflict, and how do they
relate to disputes over "money"?
Can your family adults and
older kids
clearly define (a) a value, (b) a values conflict, and (c) how best to
avoid and resolve such conflicts?
Many surface disputes about money
occur because people have different values - priorities,
preferences, habits, and rules - like "I'm a spender,
and you're a saver;" and "I'm conservative, and you're a risk-taker." Values conflicts
occur all the time between (a) your dynamic
and (b) between
and
which control other adults and kids.
So as
partners, help each other learn to spot
and
evolve a cooperative
to
(a) compromise peacefully or (b) agree to disagree.
Popular (false-self) alternatives are
avoiding,
debating, blaming, trying to convert the other person
explaining,
making
(superficial) changes, and
None of these
lose-lose strategies fill your or your partner's
Note that one common need causing surface money problems is
the primal drive for current and long-term security. Notice what it
feels like to say "We have a disagreement over security, vs. "...over
money / debts / savings / expenses / investing / gambling / etc."
As you
partners get better
at resolving values conflicts, teach the kids in your lives how to spot and master them! Did
your early caregivers do that for you? If you don't do this - who will?
Stay aware that two requisites for
avoiding and resolving significant values conflicts over anything are (a)
your true Selves are steadily
your personalities, and (b) you and any partner are gaining fluency in these
seven communication
Do
your family adults have these requisites yet?
For more perspective on resolving
internal and interpersonal values conflicts together, see
this.
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Q5)
What are loyalty conflicts, and how do they
relate to "money problems"? Try saying your definition of
loyalty out loud now. Are you loyal to some people and not to
others now? Do you need and/or expect some adults and kids to be
loyal to you? How do you assess loyalty?
|
Loyalty conflicts occur when an adult or child feels impossibly torn between
supporting either of two or more
conflicted people s/he cares for and/or needs. Any choice risks
the unchosen person/s feeling slighted or abandoned, hurt, and
resentful. No choice risks all other people feeling
hurt.
|
Loyalty conflicts
are a type of values conflict (Q4 above). They occur among personality
subselves as well as people - e.g. is your
subself more loyal to your
or to your true Self? Often,
loyalty conflicts have at least two parts - an
inner values or loyalty
conflict, and an interpersonal conflict.
Disputes over "money
issues" and financial values often
polarize home and family members into antagonistic camps. This often promotes interactive loyalty conflicts
that can quickly multiply into a web of concurrent disagreements, antagonisms, and
associated relationship triangles (Q6 below). In other words,
typical marital and
family loyalty conflicts often don't stand alone.
Options for the person 'in the middle"...
-
check to see that your Self (capital "S") is steadily
your other subselves. If not -
or lower your expectations
-
encourage all of you to be objectively
of your process as you work toward resolution. In particular, watch for
common communication
which can amplify the original conflict or add new ones!
-
check for multiple inner and interpersonal conflicts, sort them
out, and focus on one at a time. Resolve inner conflicts (between
subselves) first, and then re-evaluate your interpersonal conflicts. This requires clear self-awareness, patience, and an
accurate knowledge of your
See
-
if
you have a stake in the conflicted-person's problem/s, invite them to use win-win
- as mutually-respectful teammates. If they can't
or won't, use the
and
your needs and limits firmly and respectfully.
-
encourage brainstorming for compromises
that are acceptable enough to everyone, without taking responsibility for
"fixing' the other people's problems;
-
acknowledge the loyalty conflict and describe how it
feels to the other
people involved, without blame or guilt; - e.g. "I'm feeling torn
in the middle of a loyalty conflict. I want to support each of you if I
can - I don't want to take sides." If the other people don't know about
these conflicts and are open to learning, teach them;
-
if circumstances permit,
ask each of the opposed people
something like "What do you need from me on this conflict now?" -
and then
without judgment. They may need something other than what you assume!
-
affirm (a) each person's personal
rights and dignity
(self-respect), and (b) your respective responsibilities to meet your
own needs. Conflicts involving kids are more complex, because they
depend on one or more of you to fill certain needs.
-
If
the "money" conflict involves primary partners (e.g. "Who do I support -
my mate or my parent?") and no viable compromise appears, put your
and wholistic health first, your relationship second, and everything
else third, except in emergencies.
-
See
every major loyalty conflict as a learning opportunity, rather
than a frustrating obstacle to overcome.
Recap -
encourage all your family adults and older kids to...
learn what loyalty
conflicts are,
develop
a common language to describe and discuss them together, and...
evolve a mutually respectful
strategy to resolve them when anything
sets them off, not just money.
As you do these, help each other develop...
-
your awareness of
(a) values conflicts (Q4) and how recognize and resolve them,
and (b) how to spot and unhook from
relationship triangles (Q6 below); and develop...
-
all seven communication
including how and
when to
below surface clashes to
identify the
unfilled primary needs that cause them.
For more perspective
on loyalty conflicts, see several articles starting
here.
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Q6)
What are relationship triangles, and how do
they relate to "money problems"?
In any group, circumstances can cause three people to
unconsciously adopt
complementary roles (attitudes and behaviors) called
the Persecutor, the Victim,
and the Rescuer. These roles polarize their relationships
in stressful ways.
The
Persecutor hurts the
Victim in some way - e.g.
shames, punishes, threatens, scorns, ignores, taunts, insults, and/or abuses
him or her; and the Rescuer
defends the Victim. This can easily trigger one or more loyalty conflicts
(Q5 above) and lose-lose power struggles (I'm right." NO, I'M right!"),
which compound everyone's stress.
PVR triangles are toxic because they foster reciprocal hurt, frustration, anger,
guilt, disrespect, and anxiety - specially if they're chronic. Triangles inhibit
family teamwork and loyalty by promoting alliances, coalitions, and
antagonisms among some members in and between homes and generations.
Stressful PVR triangles also happen
among your
all the time!
Many things can trigger family PVR (relationship) triangles. A
"money-triggered" triangle happens in under a minute, when a father (P)
sarcastically calls his wife (V) irresponsible and
frivolous about spending their money. She glowers and denies this, and
he belligerently escalates his criticisms. Their 16 year-old son (R)
then tells his father to shut up and leave his mother alone. Limitless
variations of this involve senior parents, adult siblings, minor kids, in-laws,
friends, teachers, financial and legal consultants, and others.
Can you think of a PVR (relationship) triangle that occurred in your family recently over
a financial issue or something else? What was the outcome - did anyone
benefit or get their needs met? Do your family members know what these
triangles are and how to manage them? Did your childhood adults know how to
do so? Did they teach you how? Are your kids learning how to spot and manage
triangles yet?
The first steps family adults can take to avoid or dissolve triangles
are to (a) learn what they are, and (b) discuss and agree on why they're harmful to
everyone. Then (c) evolve a family vocabulary to use in
describing and managing triangles - e.g. "Looks like I'm the Persecutor
here, your sister is the Victim, and you're the Rescuer, huh?"
The next step is (d) every family adult to take ongoing responsibility for
keeping their
of their other subselves, and help others
do the same (i.e. progress on
together). Then
(e) all
family adults commit to learning how and when to use these
basics and seven communication
starting with
Again, notice that "money" is not
the problem, though wounded, unaware people like the trio above might
insist that it is. If they were aware of subselves and triangles, the adults would focus
on admitting and dissolving their triangle, rather than escalating lose-lose
arguments over the wife's spending habits and choices (a marital
values
conflict).
See
this for more perspective and options about avoiding, spotting, and
dissolving toxic relationship triangles in any setting, including
among your
of dynamic subselves!
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Q7)
Is there a
best way for
adults to make significant family financial decisions?
I vote "yes." This divorce-prevention Web site advocates
that all family adults should want
to intentionally (a) help each other break the pervasive [wounds +
unawareness]
and (b) learn how to evolve a
The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/qa/money-q.htm
Universal Questions
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