1) I already know enough about family
relationships. Why should I read this?
2) When does "a relationship"
exist between
two people?
3) What is a "functional" or "healthy"
relationship? A
pseudo relationship? A toxic
relationship?
4) What are the
essential
ingredients for a satisfying (functional) relationship?
5)
Why
are some relationships more satisfying and enduring than others?
6) What's the
difference between co/dependent, interdependent,
and independent relationships, and why do I need to know the
difference?
7) What is a
family? A
A
("functional") family
system?
8) What's different between my
family relationships and
other ones?
9)
What's needed to repair a
relationship cutoff?
10) How
can I avoid or resolve having to choose
between two or more people I care about?
11) I have few or no real friendships
and seldom enjoy socializing. Is something wrong?
12) What is
codependence (relationship
addiction), and how can
I tell if someone has that
condition? If they do, what are my and their
options?
13) What is
enmeshment, and why
should our family adults care about it?
14) What is
enabling, and how can our
family adults avoid and/or reduce it?
15) Can
toxic (unhealthy) relationships be improved?
Yes,
within limits
16)
Is there
a best way to analyze and
solve typical relationship "problems"? Yes!
(Follow the links)
17) How can I improve my
communication outcomes in key adult and
child relationships?
Questions You Should Ask about
Post-divorce and Stepfamily Relationships
Achieving mutually-satisfying relationships is specially
challenging in typical multi-home
families and
In addition to the general questions above,
divorcing, courting, and committed co-parents and their relatives and
supporters should ask...
18) What's
different about
roles and relationships in typical divorcing families and
stepfamilies, compared to those in
intact (bio)families?
19) What is
effective co-parenting after parental separation and divorce?
20) How can
conflicted divorcing parents
improve their relationship?
21) Should
typical stepfamily members
expect to love each other like (healthy) genetic
relatives do?
NO.
22)
What are
the most common problems
between adults
in average divorcing families and
stepfamilies, and what causes them?
23) Why are
many stepfamily relationships significantly
stressful,
and what can reduce
such stress?
24) I'm less interested in nurturing a certain
stepfamily relationship than the other person is, and I feel
guilty. What are my options?
25) Some members
of my
stepfamily seem cool and distant to me, despite my
friendship
overtures.
What are my options?
For more perspective, see (a) these Q&A articles on
courtship,
remarriage, ex mates,
stepparenting, stepkids, and
stepsiblings; and (b) these
solutions to common surface stepfamily-relationship
problems.
If
you don't see your question here, please
ask!
top
Q1)
Why should I read this? From decades of experience
(vs. study), you
already know a lot about interpersonal relationships. Do you
know enough? Paradoxically,
until you study relationship concepts,
you can't answer that. Start by deciding if your
is
your
now. If not, expect skewed results below. Then compare your definition of
"relationship" to Q2 below after you finish reading this.
Four ways to gauge whether you should study these Q&A items
are...
-
Reflect: on a
scale of one (I avoid relationships, and most that I have cause
me significant stress) to ten
(I never have trouble making and enjoying relationships with
adults and kids), I rate myself
as a ___;
-
Decide how successful you are at admitting and
resolving relationship
problems (rarely > sometimes > always successful);
-
Take this instructive
quiz with an open mind, and see what you learn about yourself;
and....
-
If you're nurturing someone's minor kids, decide how
comfortable and competent you are at teaching them how to form,
evaluate, and maintain satisfying relationships: low > moderate > high.
If you're in a divorcing family or a stepfamily (or may be), also read the
answers to
Q16 - Q23. Those
family relationships and
are complex and usually prone to
special problems.
top
Q2)
When does "a relationship"
exist between
two people? It exists when the presence or
absence and behavior
of each person has a "significant" mental-emotional-spiritual-physical
affect on the other - face-to-face and apart, now and over time.
Significant is a subjective judgment.
The
of a relationship is proportional to
(a) how often each person
is affected by the other, and (b) the priority of what each person needs
(Q4) from the other. For example, do
you have a relationship with your favorite TV newsperson? The mayor of
Philadelphia? Your postmaster? Your doctor? Your garbage collector? Your
favorite author/ess? Buddhists, mystics, and some philosophers say all living
things "relate" because we all affect each other. Do you
agree?
top
Q3)
What is a functional or healthy relationship? A pseudo
relationship? A toxic
relationship? Premise - relationships exist to fill a mix of each
person's local and long-term
So relationships vary between "very nurturing" (need-satisfying) and "very
toxic"
This is also true with each relationship among the dynamic
that
make up your
The
(low > moderate > high) of a relationship or group is determined by how
well each person feels their needs are satisfied over time (Q4 below).
In a pseudo relationship, one or both people pretend to feel
interest, concern, and caring which they don't really feel. Usually this
happens when person B has something that person A needs and values, and may
withhold; or person A fears something about person B. Some sales people,
politicians, abused kids, criminals, and employees maintain pseudo
relationships with other people..
Pseudo relationships can also occur because the person's subselves need to
something painful ("I really don't love my mate.") or they feel
to reveal something that will cause one or both of them discomfort. ("I am
often really bored by you.")
top
Q4)
What are essential
ingredients to a satisfying (functional) relationship? - There are many opinions on
this. What do you
feel the most important factors are? My research and experience suggest
these are...
-
personal
and
and...
-
each partner's
directing their
group of
and...
-
the
shared ability to
(form genuine
emotional-spiritual attachments), and...
-
a
genuine shared
attitude, and...
-
effective
and...
-
mutually-compatible interests, lifestyles,
and values.
Premise:
to build or improve
relationships among your subselves, family members, and other people, start by
defining your version of these key relationship ingredients. Then take responsibility
for learning how to acquire them with important adults and kids.
Tailor this
proposal to widen your perspective and
promote shared discussion.
top
Q5)
Why
are some relationships more satisfying and enduring than others? Think of the most satisfying relationships across your life.
Now think of several that were notably "unsatisfying." What
makes the difference? Premise:
relationships exist to fill
each partners' unique mix of
Two pivotal factors in most social and
relationships are whether each partner
or subself (a) values their respective needs
(feels
genuine mutual respect), and
(b) stays
equally
of their and their partner's
needs in calm times and conflicts.
Both factors depend on whether each person is guided by their
or not, locally and over time.
Can you
when your Self (capital "S") is
your other subselves?
If your Self
do you know
top
Q6)
What's the difference between a
co-dependent. interdependent, and independent relation- ship, and why
do I need to know this difference?
Try saying your definition of "dependence" out loud. If you accept that all
relationships exist to fill a set of personal needs, then a
"dependent' relationship is one where one partner needs help from another to
fill some key needs they feel they can't fill otherwise. By definition, all
child-adult relationships are dependent, until kids become self-sufficient.
A co-dependent relationship
is an extreme case of this, where a
person's dominant
loses their personal
and
and compulsively focuses on the welfare, needs, and behaviors of
another person. Many people feel that the psychological condition (vs.
"disease") of co-dependence is a form of relationship
See
this
and
this for more perspective and options.
An interdependent
relationship exists when both people (a) are usually guided by their
resident true Selves, and (b) genuinely feel something like "I want to (vs.
need to) be with you, and I can live well enough without you if I
have to."
An independent relationship
exists when one or both people (a) want to spend time and energy together,
and (b don't really depend on (need) their partner to fill key personal
needs. This is common when one or both partners are significantly
and are unable to form genuine
with other people or living things.
Most relationships are a blend of these three types, depending on
personalities and situations. Over time, one type may predominate.
Relationship satisfaction depends partly on how each partner's preferred
type matches the other
Adults and older kids need to
understand and use this distinction to help decide
if (a) they and/or a partner have significant
and/or
and (b) whether a relationship-type (values) clash is promoting significant relationship "problems"
- e.g. "I need to feel needed by you, often, and you don't really
need me for much (so I'm frustrated, disappointed, and dissatisfied)."
top
Q8)
What's different between my
family relationships and
other ones? First, are
you clear enough on what a family is? If you're not sure, review
this and return.
Do you agree that
your family
(ideally) fills key
better than any other
available group of people? Ideally...
-
your childhood family provided
most of your
and
developmental needs during your early years,
compared to schools, athletic teams, gangs, friends, neighborhoods, and/or churches;
and...
-
your current
family relationships provide love, loyalty, reliable
belonging, acceptance, shelter and support (i.e. a
refuge) in normal and tough times.
In
non-emergencies, most genuinely
(minimally-wounded) people rank family relationships higher than
others because losing or damaging them carries significantly more pain and risk.
Family relationships and shared experiences and ancestries shape our
- so losing such relationships may confuse or blur our identity for a time.
We're trained by
instinct, tradition, the media, and childhood experience to prize and expect
more comfort and support from genetic (biological) and perhaps legal
family members (in laws). Does this match your experience?
Reflect: try naming each person whom you include in your current family.
Does your network of relationships
with them feel like a reliable, nurturing refuge or something else?
top
Q9)
What's needed to repair a relationship cutoff? A
occurs when an adult or child decides to avoid or break off contact
with another person.
This usually happens when the initiator...
-
is
ruled by a
and doesn't
know it or what to do about it; and/or...
-
isn't
of effective communication
and/or...
-
and
the other person and/or their behaviors;
and...
-
expects face-to-face or other contacts will surely cause unendurable
and...
-
feels
to improve their relationship contacts, and sees no benefit in trying any
more.
Other factors can add to these,
like...
-
feeling
by life stressors;
-
having
perceptions or information about the other person/s; and/or...
-
fearing some major
if they don't
break contact with the other person/s.
Study the options in
this article for ways to reduce or end
significant relationship cutoffs.
top
Q10)
How can I avoid or resolve having to choose between two or more people I
care about? When needs, values, and perceptions clash, a member of any
family or group must "choose sides with" (ally, agree with, or support) one
or more members over others. This is specially common in typical
families and
When
mates encounter these
and can find no
mutually-acceptable compromises, their odds for
long-term relationship harmony increase if they...
-
put their
personal
and
first,
-
their primary relationship second, and...
-
all else third,
except in
emergencies.
Mates' and family members' harmony increase if they want to learn how to
spot and unhook
from loyalty conflicts and associated relationship
This is more
The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/qa/relationship-q.htm