Q13)
What is
enmeshment, and why
should our family adults care about it?
Every
relationship is shaped by the clarity and stability of each person's
and
("I am me,
you are you, and we're separate, worthy persons with unique talents, values,
and limits, and some common interests and friends.")
Many
of low childhood
are ruled by a
protective
without knowing it. One effect
of that can
be that their personal identity and boundaries are fuzzy, weak, or unstable.
That can promote relationships where
one or both people can't distinguish their own needs, feelings, values, and
perceptions from their partner's. ("What do you want for dinner? Oh, I
don't know - what do you want?")
Clinicians describe such
relationships as enmeshed or fused.
Generally, enmeshment fosters
low-nurturance,
conflicted families and stunted or blocked personal
growth.
Enmeshment
can be one way or reciprocal. See
codependence for more
perspective and options.
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Q14)
What is
enabling, and how can our
family adults avoid and/or reduce it?
Since public awareness of
co-addiction
and
codependence bloomed in the 1980s,
the word
enabling
has grown an additional meaning. It refers to behavior which
unintentionally encourages unhealthy behavior in another person. The "unhealthy behavior" is often one of
the four kinds of
("Marta
enables Sal's addiction to stock-market excitement by not
confronting him on his losses and denials.")
A common type of enabling occurs when a family member or friend avoids
confronting a person who is unaware of or
significant false-self
This is widespread now, because...
Significant enabling is a symptom of [ false-self wounds + denial (reality distortion) + ignorance (lack
of knowledge) +
To lower the risk that you or other family co-parents are
unintentionally (a) enabling false-self wounds and/or
unhealthy behavior, (b) lowering
your family's
and (c) wounding your kids, work patiently at
and
as
starting with yourself.
For
more perspective, read this
outline of
intervening
with (confronting) an unrecovering addict, which is the opposite
of enabling.
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Q15)
Can toxic (unhealthy) relationships be improved?
Yes - within limits.
Human relationships range from
nurturing to toxic.
A significantly-toxic relationship...
The alternative is
nurturing (need-fulfilling)
relationships. Toxic relationships usually indicate
+ false-self
wounds +
+ low-nurturance ("dysfunctional") homes and social
environments.
Toxic ranges from trivial to
lethal. This nurturing > toxic spectrum applies to
the relationships among your busy personality
as
well as the physical people in your life.
If
you choose or are forced to be in a significantly-toxic relationship (by
your standards), you
have some powerful options that may shift the relationship toward "more
nurturing":
-
Work to
your
(capital "S") to lead your
(i.e.
work at family
Otherwise, the following options probably won't fill your needs:
-
clarify and validate your human
rights and
long-term
and...
-
view
the other person as wounded and unaware, rather than bad,
stupid, insensitive, selfish, deceitful, dishonest, etc; and...
-
learn the seven effective-communication
and...
-
use them to
to identify specifically what you
need to change in the
toxic
relationship; and...
-
stay
aware of the things you can
and things
you can't, and then...
-
respectfully for those
changes, and use
to
neutralize expected resistances; and...
-
decide if the
benefits (need-satisfactions) outweigh the discomforts of remaining in the relationship,
and...
-
if you choose to reduce or end the
relationship - including ones with parents, a mate, toxic children, or a
punitive
- then
(a)
your
(broken bonds),
(b)
forgive
yourself and the other person/s;
-
seek your life purpose, and move toward manifesting and enjoying it a
day at a time.
Bottom line:
when you accept full
responsibility for the quality of your life, you can choose to
intentionally...
increase your
and reduce your
clarify your relationship
needs and
them respectfully, without
or anxiety; and
invite (vs.
your relationship
partner
to change within her or his limits;
And if necessary for your own health and
serenity....
end the toxic relationship.
These steps
are most apt to work if your
(capital; "S") puts your
and
at the
top of your life-priority list. Is that true for you now?
For more perspective, see these
options for relating well-enough to
significantly wounded adults and kids.
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Q18)
What's different about
roles and relationships in typical divorcing families and stepfamilies, compared to those in
intact biofamilies?
On one level,
all family relationships are
they exist to fill each person's
On
another level, average
families and
have unique (a)
(b) adjustment tasks and
special needs to be
filled; (c)
new
sources of confusion, discomfort, and conflict; and (d) major
environmental
differences from typical intact biofamilies.
Typical intact biofamilies have up to 15 traditional
(mother, son, uncle, grandmother,
cousin,...) Typical stepfamilies
have these and up to 15
There is no social consensus yet on how to "do" these roles and
associated relationships "right," so each stepfamily must invent their own
rules and guidelines by trial and error.
Typical stepfamilies are composed of
multi-generational biofamilies. They have many more members
and
than average intact biofamilies, which promotes confusion, frustrations,
unrealistic expectations, and concurrent
and
conflicts and relationship
that healthy biofamilies don't experience.
These differences usually combine to create significant
for
unaware adults and kids as they work to adjust and stabilize their homes and
family
over many years.
So it's vital that adults in typical divorcing families and stepfamilies...
-
their
to
their
(help
each other with
-
define, negotiate, and stay aware of their
long-term
and
-
help each other learn
and practice effective
which is essential for
progress on all other co-parent
and...
-
learn and discuss these many family
differences and what they
and form realistic role and relationship expectations - i.e. help
each other progress on
and
See this
and this for 60 specific
biofamily-stepfamily differences.
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Q19)
What is effective co-parenting after separation and
divorce?
Premises...
-
Parenting can be defined as the
20-year task of empathically filling the
developmental and special needs of dependent kids to help them
achieve healthy adult independence.
-
Effective parenting
evolves Grown Nurtured Children (GNCs) who are (a)
(b) self-confident and self-loving and nurturing, and (c)
of themselves, others, and key topics. Ineffective parenting
produces
- GWCs. And...
-
Without
and committing to personal
typical GWCs unconsciously
choose each other as mates, and pass on the toxic [wounds + unawareness]
they inherited to their vulnerable kids. Divorce is an indicator (vs.
proof) that one or both mates is a significantly-wounded GWC. That
usually means their kids have started to develop a
to survive.
From this view, effective
co-parenting after (psychological or legal) divorce is characterized by
caregivers...
-
choosing to
admit (vs. deny), and reduce any significant false-self wounds, and...
-
learning key
including the special adjustment needs
of their dependent kids and any grandkids, and...
-
their divorce-related and other
(broken bonds) over time, and...
-
seeking to (a)
forgive themselves and their ex-mate
as needed, and to (b) overcome any significant co-parenting
with their former partner/s, so they can...
-
work cooperatively to fill their minor kids'
developmental and divorce-adjustment needs and their own, and break the
[wounds + unawareness] cycle.
How
many divorced parents and grandparents do you think could describe some
version what you just read? How many human-service professionals? See this
brief research report for
perspective.
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Q20) How
can conflicted divorcing parents improve their relationship?
Options -
The Web address of this
three-page article is http://sfhelp.org/qa/relationship-q.htm