Q22) Why are many
stepfamily relationships often significantly stressful,
and what can be done to reduce such stress?
The basic reasons include...
-
one or more adults are significantly
and don't (want to) know that, what it
or what to
about it;
-
most or all adults and all kids don't know
how to communicate and problem-solve
-
most adults aren't aware of stepfamily
norms and
realities, and have unrealistic role and relationship
expectations which cause everyone
ongoing or escalating frustration, confusion, guilts, and conflict;
-
most stepfamilies have many concurrent
(exclusion),
and
conflicts, and relationship
and typical adults and supporters don't know how to manage them
effectively;
-
many typical stepfamily members haven't
adequately
key
(broken bonds), and don't know how to
that, what it
means,
or what to
about it;
-
many minor and grown stepkids have up
several dozen concurrent developmental
and adjustment needs that they need
informed adult help with - and get little or none;
-
the divorced parents of many stepkids have
significant
and new conflicts around kids and money, which polarize homes and family
members into opposing camps - specially if parents initiate costly,
draining court battles;
-
often,
needy, wounded, unaware stepfamily couples made up to three unwise
which breed multiple
surface problems after their romantic idealism inevitably fades;
and...
-
adults can find little
effective help with their problems in
their community or the media.
The tragic result of all these
combined factors is that a high percentage of US stepfamilies endure
significant
in and among their related homes when partners and co-parenting ex
mates are approaching or in middle age. See this
example of a real stepfamily to illustrate this.
|
Stepfamily couples can minimize these stressors for all members by
committing to help each other progress on
starting in courtship - and then adding
after exchanging vows. See the related guidebook
Stepfamily Courtship (Xlibris.com, 2001)
|
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Q23) I'm less interested in nurturing a certain
stepfamily relationship than the other person is,
and I feel
guilty. What are my options?
Guilt is the normal response to believing you have broken
an important
- a
must (not),
should (not), cannot, or have to. If you feel guilty about
not reciprocating interest in a family relationship, one or more subselves
that direct your
feel you're
breaking some important rules, like..
"Family
members must like or love each
other."
"It's
rude to reject another person's interest and friendship, and I
must not
be rude."
"I
must not
hurt other people's feelings, so I
should pretend interest
even if I don't feel it."
"I
should always be genuine, honest, and polite with other
people."
"I
should make other people happy, or I'm selfish and
bad."
"I
should always obey the
rules."
Options: affirm your
stepfamily
and your
personal human rights. Then
identify which well-meaning subselves are causing your guilt
- e.g. your
and/or
If they
have
your
work to
him or her to
your other subselves. Then reassess your
guilt to see if it's changed. If not, consider these choices...
Read
these articles on reducing guilt,
respectful assertion, and
identifying
The latter is a sign of
false-self
which may be
inhibiting your
with the other
person.
Identify what specific rules you feel you're breaking
(e.g. those above) by not returning the
other person's interest. Then review each rule to see if...
-
it fits stepfamily
realities,
and that...
-
it's your rule, not someone else's,
like a childhood caregiver or authority.
Authorize yourself to update any behavioral
rules to fit your values as a unique adult, and revise the "broken" rule/s
as needed - e.g. "I should
respect everyone in my stepfamily, and I don't
have to like or love them
even if that hurts their feelings."
Use these wise
for inspiration.
Use
your
and
skills to
identify (a) what you really
with this
person, and
(b) who's responsible
for filling these needs. Then assess what's blocking you from filling your
needs, and decide if you want to change that.
Check
to see if you're in a
and/or
relationship
with this
person. If so, invite her or him to reduce it with you.
Check your attitude toward the person. If it's not
(mutual respect), that's
probably part of the problem.
If
the other person is a stepchild, read and apply
this.
If
the other person is an ex mate, read about basic
attitudes and
boundaries.
Tell the other person that you're working to improve your half
of your relationship with them (if you are).
Trust the wisdom of your
in deciding
what to do next.
If you discount or
acting on options like these, suspect that a
controls you.
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Q24) Some members of my
stepfamily seem cool to me despite my
friendship
overtures. What are my options?
One or more of these may be contributing:
You're minimizing your stepfamily
and
are using
inappropriate biofamily expectations.
The reality may be that the other person/s may not want - or be ready
for - friendship with you;
The other person/s aren't done
prior or new
(broken bonds), and aren't able to
develop new bonds and friendships yet.
Grief takes its own time;
See
The other person/s are ruled by a
and their
prevent
appropriate
with you (so
far). See this for more
perspective and options;
One or more of these relationship
need to be
reduced;
You may be unaware of using one or more of these
communication blocks in relating to the "cool"
person/s;
Your
governing
may
(a) not have an
(mutually-respectful) attitude about the other person/s, and/or
(b) may be
doing something that scares or offends them, and they haven't told you so.
Option: ask them, and make it safe for them to tell their truth;
These
apply - i.e. by chance, your "chemistry" isn't a good fit.
Review the other
relationship questions here and this
for more perspective and choices.
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The Web address of this
three-page article is http://sfhelp.org/qa/relationship-q.htm