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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing
divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of
ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
Adults and kids need support at times of great change, trauma,
and loss. We need empathy, patient listening, validations,
respect, a caring heart, hugs, affirmations, encouragements, information,
resources, clear boundaries, caring confrontations, and sharing the load.
in this site is
devoted to helping co-parents (stepparents and bioparents)...
-
identify the support they and their kids need as they
their biofamilies
over several years starting in courtship;
and...
-
use
four rich sources of support inside
and outside their homes. One source is an effective co-parent support
group.
Some groups fill members'
needs better than others.
To find or start a group to
support you, review the questions and answers below. For a detailed
overview, see this series of Web articles.
It's based on my participating in 15 co-parent support groups since 1981,
and starting one of my own. The series is included in my useful guidebook
Build a High-nurturance Stepfamily (xlibris.com, 2002).
Questions
you should ask about co-parent
support groups
1) When is a co-parent support group
useful?
2) What is an
effective support group?
3) What
happens in a typical
support-group meeting?
4) How can I
find co-parent local support
groups?
5) What are key things to ask in
evaluating a prospective
group?
6) Are there any
risks in participating in a
co-parent support group?
7) What if one partner wants to use
a group and their mate doesn't?
8) What are
common problems in a
co-parent support group?
9) What are the traits of an
effective support-group (co)leader?
10) What's involved in
starting an effective co-parent support
group?
11) Are there any
resources available to help us
start or maintain a co-parent support group?
12) Are there support groups for
stepkids?
If you don't see your
question here, please
ask!
Q1) When is a co-parent support group
useful?
The best time for typical
stepfamily co-parents to seek an effective support group is before
they're in a crisis - i.e.
(usually) in the first several years after co-committing and/or
cohabiting. Typical co-parents
don't know what they need to know about inner
healthy grief,
stepfamily
realities,
teamwork
and adjustment tasks, so exchanging
information with other stepparents and bioparents early can promote
their awareness they need to learn these vital topics.
Ideally, new stepfamily mates will want to attend a co-parent
class if they can find
one. In classes that meet for several weeks, student couples often bond and
form informal support groups that continue after the class ends.
When stepfamily mates and relatives are seriously
their
resources are often
better use for qualified
than on a support group.
Typical lay-led support groups
can provide priceless empathy, validation, and encouragements - and
often lack the knowledge, wisdom, and
group-dynamic skills to guide troubled couples toward effective
solutions.
Group leaders who don't refer couples
in crisis to
professional helpers can evolve a room full of people bitching,
blaming, venting, and playing "ain't-it-awful," vs. helping each other do
constructive
top
Q2)
What is an
effective support group?
It's one which fills the stepfamily-related
and other
of it's participants well
enough, often enough. This suggests the value of co-parents knowing
specifically what they need as they seek or start
a group, and what questions to ask of a group's spokesperson. I
propose that typical co-parents attend mutual-help groups to...
-
vent, and be
heard and accepted without judgment;
-
feel validated, normal, and respected;
-
learn and problem-solve;
-
socialize and help others (i.e. to feel useful); and to…
-
build and keep realistic hopes .
Can you think of other motives? See
this for more
detail.
top
Q3)
What happens in a typical
support-group meeting?
Every group
is unique in composition and character, and will have its own
format and
agenda. Typical
ongoing support-group sessions include...
a welcome to old and new members, and an invitation to each
person to "check in" - i.e. to say a few words about how they are, and what
they need from the group in this meeting;
an agenda summary, and any group "business" discussion like
finances, advertising, location, or format issues;
perhaps an opening prayer and/or reminder of the group's
purposes;
a venting and problem-solving period, moderated by the group
leader/s;
an optional focus on a particular
topic or theme,
perhaps with a guest speaker;
some unstructured "social time" with refreshments; and...
closing words, and reminders about the
next meeting.
top
Q4)
How can we find local co-parent support
groups?
My experience since 1981 is that stepfamily (co-parent) support groups are rare in most communities, because
(a) typical family-support organizations are under-funded and overworked, (b)
their leaders often aren't aware of the great need for stepfamily support
groups; and (c) co-parents aren't making their needs known.
To find if any groups exist near you,
search the Web for
"stepfamily, blended family, co-parenting, or stepparenting support (or self-help)
groups; and...
call local churches, hospital
outpatient-service departments, school counseling departments or
PTO's, and public and private mental health agencies. Be alert for the difference
between stepparent groups (stepmoms and/or stepdads only),
and co-parent groups (all stepfamily caregivers).
If you find no groups, consider
starting one with other interested
co-parents, and/or searching the Internet. There are now many active
"forums" and "chat groups" for
co-parents now. Investigate the Web links
here for starters.
top
Q5)
What are key things to ask in
evaluating a prospective group?
If you have the luxury of choosing between several
support
groups, consider...
How
long the group has existed, and whether it has a reputable
sponsoring
organization;
What
are the goals
of the group, and who is it for?
How
often does it meet, where, and how long are the meetings?
Who
leads the group, and
what are their credentials in (a) stepfamilies, and (b) group
leadership?
How many people
usually attend. Is their a limit?
What
are the group's guidelines and key
policies - e.g. about confidentiality; punctuality; spirituality; use of
alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs; child care; and referrals to
profes-sional help;?
Are
group participants
screened in any way (preferable), or is the group open to anyone?
Are
meeting agendas free-form, or are there
topical
discussions? (preferable). Are there guest speakers?
Is
the group open to courting co-parents, or just those who have already
vowed their commitments?
Does the group use and/or
refer to a local mental-health consultant? If so, who, and does s/he
have any
Are there any racial, religious, and/or
themes or
biases in the group?
Does
attendance cost
anything?
If you
find or start a group, an indefinable trait that will affect your experience
is the unique "chemistry" or "personality" of the mix of participants,
leader/s, and the site. Some groups feel better than others...
top
Q6)
Are there any
risks in participating in a
co-parent support group?
Two risks to
be alert for in any support group are...
A leaderless group, or
leader/s
who...
-
aren't experienced with group dynamics and/or...
-
allow or promote
griping and venting, rather than emphasizing education and problem-solving.
Attending such a group is often
demoralizing, frustrating, and a waste of time if you're
looking for encouragement, constructive
helpful
referrals, and group help on
relationship problem-solving.
The other risk is group leaders or sponsors who provide or allow inaccurate or misleading information
and/or advice about stepfamily
realities
- i.e. who unintentionally promote unrealistic expectations and ineffective
solutions to your step-relationship
problems.
These group traits are apt to increase
your stress and confusions, and your need for support! To guard against
accidentally choosing such a group, invest time and effort in (at least)
co-parent
and
Option: join
or form a group and use these Projects as group themes or agenda
topics!
top
Q7)
What if one partner wants to use
a group and their mate doesn't?
Then the mates have a significant
Evolving an effective
joint strategy to manage these inevitable family stressors effectively
is more important than choosing a useful support group. Guarantee - your
and
families will be
riddled
with values conflicts and associated relationship
- specially in your first several
years!
In general...
Check
to see if the "anti-group" person
really
accepts that you're in a
stepfamily, and knows what that
If so, s/he'll believe that you're all at significant risk of years of
stress and eventual psychological or legal
for
Option: work at
co-parent
and
together, if
you haven't yet.
ambivalence, or
reluctance to do this suggests one or both of you may be ruled by a
Use
concepts and
resources to ensure that your
true Selves
are
your respective
Then...
As partners,
below your
surface needs ("I just want to talk to other stepparents
") to discern the
and
underneath ("Parts
of my personality are confused, insecure, guilty, and worried that I'm
doing something wrong, and they really need credible, empathic
validation and reassurance from others whose judgment I respect and
trust."); and...
As teammates, review your short-term and long-term life and family
to see if they
match. If not, you mates have a fundamental
to resolve.
Then...
If you're having trouble finding a
workable support-group compromise together, review this
checklist, and these common communication
blocks
and tips to see if
your communication
is hindering agreement.
top
Q8)
What are common problems in a
co-parent support group?
A problem is one or more unfilled needs
(discomforts).
Support-group "problems" occur when the participants don't get their
needs met.
Most such problems result from poor group planning or leadership (below), and stepfamily ignorance.
Competent support-group planners and
leaders should know how to avoid or resolve these
typical problems. The
participants share ultimate responsibility for
and
their needs clearly
and respectfully, and for deciding whether to continue attending or not.
top
Q9)
What
are the traits of an effective support-group leader?
Premise: an effective group leader (a) stays aware of what the
participants need, and is able to guide
the group so that most people get most of their needs met well enough,
most of the time. To do this consistently, leaders need traits like
these:
Their
(capital "S")
to lead their
or
s/he is in effective true (vs. pseudo)
from false-self
dominance and
and...
A
genuine enjoyment of socializing, an interest in families,
and
a strong motivation to fill personal and
group-participants' needs, and enough
self-confidence to work at guiding the group despite significant
challenges; and...
knowledge
of, and experience with, (a) group dynamics, and (b) managing common "group
problems" effectively using these
and...
At least basic knowledge of stepfamily
problems,
realities, and merger-tasks; and...
Enough personal support + time for the
group +
in their lives.
Can you think of other core requisites for effective
support-group leadership?
See this for more perspective.
top
Q10)
What's involved in
starting a co-parent support
group?
If there are no effective co-parent support-groups near you, weigh the pros and cons of starting and maintaining
one yourself (with help).
Doing so is a lot of work - and a
richly rewarding community-service project!
Tailor and build on these experience-based suggestions.
top
Q11)
Are there any
resources available to help us
start or maintain a co-parent support group?
Here are two:
A
series of free
practical articles or
an equivalent downloadable
booklet
on starting and maintaining an effective co-parent support group, based
on my experience in 15 such groups since 1981 - including co-founding
and leading one for several years; and...
These other
resources.
top
Q12)
Are there effective support groups for stepkids?
They are rare. Typical stepkids have a
daunting array of concurrent
developmental and family-adjustment needs. In
27 years' full-time
professional work with Chicago-area stepfamilies, I only found two
groups to help stepkids with these complex needs. One was at a suburban
public high school, and was created and sponsored by two dedicated social workers. The
other was sponsored by a community mental-health agency, and was for the
kids of adults who were attending their own support group.
Average co-parents and mental-health workers aren't aware of
the scope or complexity of stepkids' needs, and kids can't
understand or articulate them. The net result is that most kids survive as
best they can, unintentionally stressing their co-parents who have their own array of
concurrent domestic,
and
alien stepfamily-
and
needs and
tasks.
One bright spot in this picture is the non-profit
Rainbows
organization, which sponsors lay-led grief-support groups for kids and
adults around the country. A main focus is helping children of divorce or
parent death grieve their losses (broken bonds). This partially counteracts many wounded,
unaware co-parents who unintentionally
the family "anti-grief"
they grew up with. This toxic bequest is one reason for co-parent
and
in this non-profit Web site.
Bottom line: typical American kids of parental divorce and re/marriage
have a high need for informed, empathic support - and usually
have lower chances of finding it than their co-parents, so far.
Options...
contact your church,
school PTO or PTA, or local mental-health agency and ask if they would
do a needs-assessment survey
to see if organizing a support group for stepkids in your community
would be justified; and...
scan the non-profit
National Stepfamily Resource
Center (NSRC) for possibilities.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get
what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
or
