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Q13)
Are there different
kinds of
stepfamilies?
From one view, there is only one kind of stepfamily: a group of
related adults and kids building relationships, filling needs, and helping each other grow
through normal life phases.
However, considering combinations of adults' prior
parenthood + children's ages, genders, and custody arrangements + prior
divorces or mate-deaths + other
factors, there are
of normal stepfamily.
This guarantees that people in
a stepfamily will never meet another one composed like theirs. This can
cause a sense of alienation and aloneness that intact-biofamily members
seldom feel. This helps to explain why many people ignore, minimize, or reject
their
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Q14)
Do most clergy, counselors,
lawyers, and educators get stepfamily training?
How can we pick an effective stepfamily coach or counselor ?
From researching and working with stepfamilies since 1979, my impression is that
American schools that train clergy, attorneys, teachers, judges,
coaches or
counselors,
therapists, doctors, social and welfare workers, mediators, and
law-enforcement professionals aren't
aware yet of the vital need for basic step-family training. I suspect related
professional standards and licensing organizations aren't either.
To my
knowledge, there are now no U.S. organizations that provide
competent training for
human-service professionals. The
National Stepfamily Resource Center (NSRC) may offer periodic training.
Reality check: ask
any family professionals you know if they received any formal education in stepfamily
needs, dynamics, and traits.
One implication is that when courting
or re/wedded co-parents need factual, empathic professional family advice, they
often don't know how to evaluate
service providers. If they do, they can't find any who know basics like
these. This contributes to our unremarked U.S.
re/divorce epidemic.
For specific suggestions on how to pick an effective stepfamily
counselor or therapist, see this article.
For suggestions on how to raise
local, regional, or national awareness and break the toxic [wounds +
unawareness]
see this.
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Q15)
(a) What are
values and
loyalty conflicts and relationship
triangles, (b) how do they
relate to each other, and (c) why are they important
in typical stepfamilies?
These three
related stressors are inevitable in and between typical
and stepfamily homes:
-
occur when two or more people hold different preferences
or faith-based beliefs (you eat red meat, I'm a vegetarian), They range
from minor to intense.
-
occur when an adult or child feels s/he must choose between
supporting one of two or more people s/he values;
-
occur when three or more people unconsciously adopt
combative
Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer relationship roles.
If a single or re/married bioparent must choose whether to fill their biochild's
current needs or their new partner's (their child's stepparent's) needs, is there a "right"
choice? Are stepparents wrong to expect or ask their mate to put them first
in most such conflicts which have no acceptable compromises?
Can a typical re/marriage last if a
stepparent feels "second" (or less) too often? In my experience, confusion and
conflict over these inevitable stepfamily questions are a leading surface
reason for our re/divorce
epidemic.
The real issues beneath typical loyalty conflicts and relationship
triangles are unseen
+
+ stepfamily
+ (sometimes)
and excessive post-divorce
All of these an be reduced with
education,
personal awareness
and
and patient hard work - perhaps
with
informed lay and professional
See this article for more perspective.
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The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/qa/stepfamily-q.htm