The Web address of this
three-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/qa/stepparent-q.htm
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answers
in a new browser window or a summery popup, so
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This is one of a series of Q&A topics that
typical lay adults and human-service professionals need to know more about
for
and high-nurturance relationships and
These topics and linked articles exist to reduce one of five epidemic
personal and family
-
and
(lack of knowledge).
Also see...
* If you have trouble viewing the slides, see
Background
Stepparent refers to the
chosen
or accepted by an adult who nurtures
a resident or visiting child
of their mate. Stepmothers and stepfathers may or may not have
biological children of their own, and/or conceive "ours" children with their
partner. Any family with at least one
part-time or full-time stepparent and stepchild is a
Because stepfamilies following divorce (vs. mate-death) are
relatively new to our culture, the roles of
stepparent and stepchild are often alien, confusing, and frustrating. If each
mate made wise
these relationships can become rich sources of closeness, affection, companionship, fun, satisfaction, and
sometimes
love.
The questions and answers here come from 29 years' clinical research and
listening to over 1000 typical new and veteran co-parents since 1981.
My own experience as an adult stepson and
stepbrother, and seven years as a stepfather, adds perspective.
Learn more about effective stepfamily
co-parenting from these practical
guidebooks.
The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parent" refers to any
part-time or full-time adult caregiver in a
or a
Answers and linked articles are meant to
augment, not replace, other qualified professional
For helpful perspective, first read this two-page
article on roles and rules.
Questions you should ask about
stepparenting
1) What
does
"step" mean?
2) What should
courting partners
know
about the unfamiliar role of "stepparent"?
3) What's an
effective
stepparent?
4) What do typical new stepparents
need
most?
5) Are typical stepparents
supposed to
love their stepkids?
Can they?
6) What
if a stepchild
rejects a stepparent despite the adult's best
efforts?
7) How
does stepparenting
differ from
bioparenting?
8) What are
common problems
that typical stepparents face?
9)
What
do
typical stepparents need from their partners?
10)
Do average stepfathers face
different problems than typical stepmothers?
11) Do veteran bioparents make
better
stepparents?
12) What are the (potential)
rewards of
stepparenting, and when do they occur?
13) Is
nurturing
grown stepchildren is easier
than minor stepkids?
14) What
common mistakes
should
typical new stepparents avoid?
15) Do typical stepmothers need
special
support compared to other co-parents?
16) Is there a best way for stepparents
to handle (inevitable)
values and loyalty conflicts?
17) Is stepparenting
easier if
a stepchild's "other
bioparent" is dead?
18) Does it get
significantly easier for average
stepparents when their youngest stepchild
lives on their own?
19) What
legal rights do average
non-adoptive stepparents have relative to their minor stepchildren?
20) Typically, is
re/marriage to a
stepparent "harder" than to a bioparent?
21) Is it common for
divorcing stepparents to
continue their relationships with stepkids?
22) Are
there any specially
good resources for stepparents?
23) What should
stepparents (and others) know about
step-teens?
24) What can I do
to
improve communication outcomes with the minor kids in my life?
If
you don't see your question here, please ask!
Q1)
What
does
"step" mean?
The American College Dictionary (1970) says the prefix
"step" comes from the old English steop-, which
meant "related by marriage rather than blood." A related root is the Icelandic
stjup-,
denoting bereaved or orphaned. Microsoft's Bookshelf describes a
current secondary meaning of stepchild as "Something that does not
receive appropriate care, respect, or attention."
Many people unconsciously associate steppeople and stepfamily
roles and relationships with abnormal, unnatural, and inferior to
biological-family counterparts. This promotes unconscious
avoidance and rejection of stepfamily
role-titles (stepmother, stepson,...), and
This can cause unrealistic (biofamily-based)
expectations,
frustrations,
and
relationship
Stepfamily
literature and many support organizations try c/overtly to avoid the negative taint of "step-"
with alternative names and pronouns - e.g. co-family, blended,
second family, bi-nuclear, reconstituted, combined, bonus, rem(arried),
and reconstructed. Terms like
these unintentionally encourage people to ignore their true "step-" identity, and to live
from unrealistic (biofamily) expectations.
If you or other members are reluctant to admit you belong to a
multi-home stepfamily, you and/or they are probably ruled by a
protective
- and
don't (want to) know that.
in
this Web site is about co-parents preparing to forge realistic expectations by
helping each accept
their step-identity and what
it
Use this
worksheet to assess whether your key adults
and children have really accepted their step-identity. Then use
this series of Web pages to evaluate how realistic your stepfamily
expectations are.
top
Q2)
What should courting partners know
about the unfamiliar roles of
stepparent and stepchild?
To
help make wise courtship
involving prior kids
and their "other bioparent/s,"
typical partners and
their supporters need to learn
some basics about (a) stepfamily
norms, (b) the
of
stepparent and stepchild, and
how to avoid or reduce related stressors. These
basics include...
American stepfamilies
may
psychologically or legally
more often than biofamilies because
typical courting co-parents and their supporters are
of
five probable
To guard against them,
both courting partners need to...
-
accept their stepfamily identity, which
means...
-
that these hazards apply to
them and their kids, and then...
-
work at safeguard
for many
months together - ideally before
exchanging vows
and/or cohabiting.
Typical stepparents will be
significantly affected by their partner's ex mate/s - financially, genetically, legally, and psychologically - for many years. In
stepfamilies,
both new mates want to respect the co-parenting needs, feelings, opinions,
rights, and values of
each stepchild's "other bioparent" as much as their own.
Stepmother,
stepfather, stepson, stepdaughter, and stepsibling are family
not people.
Thus "Mary is the stepdaughter from hell" probably means "Mary
doesn't like or want to be in a step relationship, and/or doesn't like, or
feel safe with or respected by, the person taking the role of her stepparent,
and doesn't know how to assert her needs effectively."
Currently there is no social training or norms for these alien
family
so it's common for
stepfamily members to feel confused, defensive, guilty, frustrated, and anxious
about how they're "supposed to do" their roles "well."
Typical
minor stepkids have the same
developmental needs as all kids plus
two or more sets of concurrent
family-adjustment needs. Stepkids need their
co-parents to
want to...
-
learn these developmental and adjustment needs,
-
accurately assess the
child's status with them, and...
-
patiently form a cooperative
to help
each child fill all these needs
while...
-
attending their own
and each others' adult needs.
Stepkids' compound needs
and lack of clear stepfamily norms usually cause the stepparent and
stepchild roles to be significantly more
complex than bioparent and biochild.
The
family and social environments around stepparents and stepchildren can differ from "traditional"
environments in over 40 ways! Unawareness of these
differences and what they
can cause stepfamily members
and supporters to have unrealistic expectations of
stepparents and stepkids.
A corollary is that the
goals of stepchild discipline are the
same as in intact biofam-ilies, and there are up to
20 factors that make
effective stepchild-discipline by stepparents more complex and challenging.
It's
very unlikely that
a stepparent and stepchild will exchange the equivalent of
bioparent-child
love, unless they bonded
during the child's early years. Working toward mutual friendship and
respect
is far more realistic.
Love is a bonus!
More things typical
co-parents need to know about the roles of stepparent and stepchild...
In non-emergency conflicts, healthy stepparents need
their mates to
them
as much or more than their children.
Insecure, unaware stepparents often feel confused and unwarranted
about this
normal need.
This is specially true if
their mate (a) doesn't want to or (b) can't fill their need for relationship primacy, and/or
(c) complains and/or criticizes the stepparent for needing it.
All co-parents need to
evolve effective strategies to avoid or resolve inevitable
and relationship
-
ideally starting in courtship.
Typical minor stepkids will test and re-test for their family
status (rank) and security as their new stepfamily
develops. This
instinctive testing often appears as
rudeness and rejection of even the nicest stepparent and/or stepsibs or
relatives.
Rejection of or
indifference to a stepparent can also mean
a stepchild and/or one or both
bioparents haven't
two or more sets of major
well enough, and
isn't ready to assume a
stepchild role.
Whether a stepparent...
-
legally adopts a stepchild,
and/or...
-
conceives
a baby with the child's bioparent,
and/or...
-
their stepchild leaves home to begin independent living,
the basic
stepparent-stepchild roles and relationships don't change. The legal roles end if the stepparent re/divorces. The adult-child
relationship may or may
not continue.
Unless
bioparents are stepparents too, a bioparent may be unable to empathize with what their
stepparent-mate feels or needs. When this manifests as c/overt criticism,
scorn, or indifference, re/marital
accumulates - specially if mates are
and unable to communicate
Typical stepparent and bioparent mates find that
their stepfamily realities and complex
family-adjustment tasks will inexorably bring out
their deepest psychological wounds. If they
expect this (vs. deny or minimize it), co-parents are most likely to keep their
personal and re/marital
In most communities and in the media,
there is less
informed and
profes-sional and social
available for
stepparents and stepkids than for bioparents and their children. This is
specially true for average stepfathers, because they don't seek help.
In my
experience, few biorelatives, teachers, counselors, clergy, therapists,
doctors, attorneys, self-help
authors,
support-group leaders, or law-enforcement
professionals have any meaningful training in what typical stepfamily members
need.
Often, their well-meant attempts to
help are
based on inappropriate biofamily norms and standards - which can increase
stepfamily stress. There is a growing number of Internet support
groups ("chat rooms" and "forums") for stepparents, specially
stepmothers. See
these links for some of them.
|
Typical stepparents and their
partners need basic stepfamily and
co-parenting education to
minimize
and heartache. This
learning is best begun during
|
top
Q3)
What's an
effective
stepparent?
In this Web site parenting means "filling the
developmental and
family-adjustment needs of resident and visiting minor and grown children while filling
your own
This definition suggests that an effective (vs.
good) parent is someone who fills their kids' needs and their own "well
enough" over some period of time, according to someone. From this view,
a successful or effective
stepparent...
wants to
herself
or himself for
honestly, and take responsibility for
significant wounds and improving personal
over time; and
s/he...
re/weds the right
at the
right
for
the right
and s/he...
fully accepts his or her stepfamily
and
stepparenting role (Q2), and wants to learn what they
and an effective
stepparent...
wants to work patiently at
improving their
communication and problem-solving
with their stepfamily
members; and s/he...
wants to learn and
evaluate the
developmental and
adjustment needs of
resident and visiting children; and an effective stepparent...
wants to patiently develop an
effective
with each stepchild's bioparents and key relatives, and to negotiate clear
for themselves and their other
co-parents; and...
wants to learn and practice
effective stepparent
child-discipline; and
s/he...
wants to identify,
value, and
respectfully
her or his
and
needs, while patiently striving to
help each stepchild fill their many needs; and an effective co-parent...
wants to seek and accept
along the way to
(a) keep his or her ongoing
and
(b) enjoy family-building and living often enough!
How does this compare with your definition of
an
Your other co-parents' and stepkids' definitions? Your key relatives'? How many
family-support professionals (like clergy, counselors, case workers, doctors,
police, and teachers) do you think could
spontaneously describe some version of this definition?
top
Q4)
What do typical new stepparents
need
most?
Because our culture (usually) doesn't alert typical stepfamily co-parents to
the
they face,
typical stepmoms and stepdads don't know what they need to know about stepfamily
challenges and rewards. So potential stepparents
need to learn...
who's making their courtship
decisions: their
or
and...
what they're
if they choose to join or start
a
and...
what
it
to be a healthy person, an effective stepfamily
spouse, and an
effective stepparent; and typical stepparents
need...
to learn that they and their
partner need to work patiently at (a) some version of
before they decide
whether to re/wed, and
at (b)
if they re/wed, to avoid re/marital decay.
For more perspective, study this
slide presentation, these Q&A
articles about stepkids, and these
articles about co-parenting.
top
Answers about
stepparenting continue on page
2
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