Q&A About Stepparenting - p. 2 of 3

 

Q7)  How does stepparenting differ from bioparenting?

        Stepparenting is voluntarily nurturing your mate's child/ren from a prior relationship. The goals of typical stepparents are usually the same as bioparents - to guide, protect, teach, encourage, nourish, and enjoy minor and grown children.

        Over time, stepparents may (or may not) enjoy the same role satisfactions and rewards as bioparents. There are also many important differences between these family-caregiving roles and adult-child relationships. For instance...

There is no genetic or ancestral connection between stepparents and stepkids, and (usually) their last names are different. Sometimes their first names are the same, which can promote misunderstandings and confusions;

Typical stepparents have not grown up with their stepchildren. That usually means...

• there is rarely the same quality or degree of love between them as between healthy bioparents and their offspring,

• they have far fewer shared experiences and memories together; and...

• the incest taboo is significantly weaker;

The household and social environment, roles, and relationships differ in over 40 ways between average stepparents and intact-family bioparents;

Typical stepkids have two or three extra sets of complex, concurrent family-adjustment needs to fill that intact-biofamily kids don't have, so typical stepparents' jobs (responsi-bilities) are more complex and alien;

Stepparent child-discipline has the same goals as bioparent discipline, and can differ environmentally in up to 20 ways;

Stepparents usually don't legally adopt their stepkids, which means they have fewer legal rights and responsibilities than typical bioparents;

Stepkids usually don't choose their stepparent/s, so either or both may dislike each other;

Some stepparents feel supported by their partner's ex mate/s and their relatives, but most face a mix of barriers with them;

Often stepmoms and stepdads must resolve complex sets of loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles with their mates that typical bioparents and their kids don't face. This is specially true of stepparents who are also bioparents;

Typical American stepparents, mates, and kids face significant odds of ongoing household and family stress and legal or psychological re/divorce despite prior marital and life experience.

In most U.S. communities and the media, there is significantly less support for typical stepfathers and stepmothers than for single or married bioparents;

Because of personal + household + relationship + role complexities and alienness, average stepparents have higher odds of role strain (anxiety, confusion, and overwhelm) than typical married bioparents.

        Though every stepfamily situation is unique, few courting stepparents can name all these family role and relationship differences and what they mean. As stepfamily realities emerge after exchanging commitment vows, this unawareness often results in significant confusion, disorientation, self doubt, and wondering "What did I get myself into, here - have I made a re/marital mistake?"

        Since 1981, I've heard hundreds of re/married and re/divorced stepparents say "If I knew what being in a stepfamily was going to be like, I probably wouldn't have done it." There are millions of others who feel "I wouldn't trade this experience for the world!"

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Q8)  What are common problems that typical stepparents face?

        Though every stepfamily is unique, typical stepmothers and stepfathers face common concurrent problems (discomforts) like these, starting in courtship:

• grieving unrealistic courtship ideals and fantasies, and accepting complex, stressful stepfamily realities, role complexities (Q7 above), and many concurrent adjustment tasks;

• possible indifference, hostility, disrespect, and/or dislike from their stepkids and/or step-relatives - specially their partner's ex mate/s;

• experiencing escalating hurts and resentments because their mate puts their stepkids' (and/or ex mate's) needs ahead of their primary relationship too often, despite the stepparent's hints, protests, and requests;

• coming to dread stepkids' visitations for many reasons, and feeling guilty about this and helpless to improve it;

• finding that most lay people and many family-support professionals have little awareness or empathy for what stepparents experience and need. One result is that many stepparents feel isolated and alone in resolving their role discomforts - specially if they have no biokids of their own, so their mate can't empathize. (Solution: find or start a support group!);

        And typical stepparents also face challenges like...

• Identifying,  ranking, and resolving many more concurrent role, relationship, and daily-life problems  (unmet needs) than they expected during courtship;

• changing unrealistic (biofamily-based) expectations about stepfamily life into realistic expectations over four or more years, while their mates and supporters may or may not do the same;

• coping with personal, role, and stepfamily confusion at holidays (like Mother's and Father's Days) and family celebrations, starting with their wedding;

• finding that most how-to books and programs about stepparenting offer vignettes (validation) and generalities (like "communicate openly and honestly"), but not real solutions (e.g. learn and apply seven communication skills, and patiently teach them to your kids);

• discovering major values conflicts with their partner over child visitations + discipline + finances (including insurance, investments, debts, and wills) + custody + education + health + legal parenting agreements + relations with ex mates and in-laws + religion + boundaries + home selection and management.

        A typical stepfather or stepmother will face some mix of these problems. The ultimate problem for millions of U.S. stepparents is admitting some months or years after committing that they chose the wrong people, for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time. (Protection: work at co-parent Projects 1-7 together during courtship!) 

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Q9)  What do typical stepparents need from their partners?

        Typical stepparents need their mate to want to...

• take steady responsibility for (a) their own wholistic health, (b) recovery from major losses and psychological wounds, and (c) maintaining their integrity (self respect); and to...

• rank their relationship above all others often enough, except in emergencies; and to...

• (a) accept their stepfamily identity before re/wedding, (b) learn what that means, and then (c) work patiently on co-parent Projects 1-7 in order to make wise re/marital choices; and to...

• help the stepparent fill their mix of normal marital needs, and...

• patiently encourage their learning how to be an effective stepparent.

        And average stepparents need their partner to want to...

• build a co-parenting team with them and any ex mates and key relatives, over time; and to...

• learn what's needed to merge and stabilize their three or more biofamilies, and co-manage their array of special stepfamily-adjustment tasks; and to...

• seek and accept informed lay and professional help when one or both of them feel overwhelmed; and average stepparents need their partner to...

• work with them to stay balanced every day, and enjoy building a high-nurturance stepfamily together over many seasons and years.

        If you're a veteran stepparent, edit this summary to fit your current situation. Are there other things you need from your partner? Pause and notice your thoughts and feelings now...

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Q10)  Do average stepfathers face different problems than typical stepmothers?

        Typical stepparents face general role and relationship problems, and some that are gender-unique. For instance...

Statistics suggest that divorced or widowed American men are more likely to re/marry quickly than previously-married women. This implies stepfathers may be more at risk of making need-driven, uninformed (unwise) commitment decisions than typical stepmoms.

        Conversely, divorced or widowed single mothers are more likely to need caregiving, financial, and home-maintenance help, and make need-driven unwise commitment choices - specially if they bear significant psychological wounds; and...

Typical step-brides may experience greater conflict, anxiety, and/or satisfaction over their commitment ceremony than average step-grooms;

Traditionally, husbands are breadwinners, and wives are responsible for raising kids and household management. That often means that if a custodial stepchild or stepsiblings are unhappy or conflicted, society and a stepmother's mate, relatives, and friends expect her to take responsibility for reducing the trouble. 

        Without self-awareness, stepfamily knowledge, and effective marital communication, stepmoms who aren't clear on their caregiving responsibilities and what their stepkid/s need can feel over-responsible, confused, guilty, shamed, misunderstood, anxious, and alone.

        This may be amplified because typical female brains are more concerned with relationship problems and family harmony than male brains; and...

Males are generally more reluctant to seek and accept relationship help (e.g. self-help books, counseling, support groups) than females. So there are significantly more books and websites for stepmothers than stepfathers now. That may mean that average stepdads bear more stepfamily stress alone than stepmoms;

Typical males are often more sexually aggressive than females, and the incest taboo is usually weaker in stepfamilies; so average stepdads may struggle more with sexual feelings for their stepdaughters more than stepmoms do with stepsons;

        More possible differences between average stepfathers and stepmothers...

Typical stepmoms may have higher needs for empathy, intimacy (vs. sex), and emotional expression than stepfathers. That may yield higher odds of frustration in women choosing or accepting a stepmother role; and...

Typical women have deeper needs to conceive and nurture children than men. Typical stepmoms take on their role in their 30s or 40s. This urge + their age + local stepfamily conditions can cause a higher level of conception-related conflicts in stepmothers. This is specially likely with childless stepmothers whose mate doesn't want more children. 

A child's stepmother and biomother and/or co-grandmothers may be more likely to judge, criticize, and resent each other as caregivers than typical stepfathers and biofathers; and....

Because most females are more emotionally sensitive, responsive, and expressive than males, typical stepmothers may grieve more completely than stepfathers, and be more likely to recognize blocked grief in their dependent or grown step and biochildren;

Average stepmothers may be (a) more needy of approval from, and closeness with, their stepchild/ren; and (b) more sensitive to stepchild rejection than stepfathers; and...

Average males tend to rely more on logic to "figure out" and "explain" family-relationship problems than females. So stepfathers may be more easily frustrated than stepmothers if stepfamily members or supporters "aren't logical." This can also be true for stepmoms with