Q&A About Stepparenting - p. 3 of 3

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Q13)  Is nurturing grown stepchildren is easier than minor stepkids?

        Many people assume that stepparent relations with adult stepchildren are less conflictual and more enjoyable than with typical minor stepsons and stepdaughters. If courting co-parents re/marry too soon, and/or are wounded and join or found a low-nurturance stepfamily, that's often not true.

        Adult stepsons and stepdaughters who are burdened with major stressors can cause as much or more family conflict than minor children (or troubled ex mates). That's one reason that courting co-parents do well to put their true Selves in charge of their personalities, and thoroughly evaluate if they're commit-ting to the right people. That is one third of Project 7. 

        Stepparents are likely to conflict with adult stepkids who...

grew up in a low-nurturance childhood, and have significant false-self wounds; and/or...

can't think or communicate effectively, and/or...

reject or minimize their stepfamily identity or don't know what it means, and/or...

haven't grieved their losses from parental death or divorce, and re/marriage well enough; and/or stepparents will conflict with adult stepkids who...

don't like, trust, or respect their stepparent/s or step-relatives; and/or who don't spontane-ously want to be part of a multi-home stepfamily despite their bioparent's wishes and happiness; and/or adult stepkids who are...

in an unsatisfying or over-stressful re/marriage or family now; and/or who...

are actively addicted (self-medicating against inner pain); and/or...

are codependent with, over-loyal to, feel responsible for, or are enmeshed with a bitter, angry, or antagonistic (i.e. wounded) other bioparent; and/or...

are overwhelmed by a mix of these burdens, and have no clear life purpose yet.

        These problems are specially likely to cause significant conflict in and with a stepparent if the co-parents aren't progressing well with their stepfamily-building Projects.

Options: whether you're courting or committed, gain perspective on an adult (or any) stepchild with this two-page Project-7 checklist. Also review these comments on assuming stepfamily conflicts will subside when the youngest stepchild lives independently.

        Pause and reflect on what the above means to you now, and whether you need to act on something...

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Q14)  What common mistakes should typical new stepparents avoid?

        Let's define a "stepparent mistake" as some attitude, behavior, or decision which results in significant...

• lower self-esteem and personal security for someone, and/or...

• stress on the stepparent's primary relationship, and/or...

• psychological wounds in someone, and/or that promotes...

• barriers to forming an effective co-parenting team and building a high-nurturance stepfamily.

People will disagree about how to determine what's "significant" - to whom. From this framework, common mistakes that typical new stepparents should be alert for include...

Ignoring or postponing honest assessment for significant false-self wounds in (a) themselves, (b) their partner, (c) each stepchild, and (d) each caregiving ex mate and key relative. This assessment is best done during courtship.

Ignoring or minimizing (a) their stepfamily identity and what it means; and (b) the other questions and (full) answers and suggestions in this Q&A series; 

Not wanting to put significant effort into co-parent Projects 1-7 during courtship to raise the odds of choosing the right people to re/wed, at the right time, for the right reasons; and/or....

Not thoroughly reviewing these common myths and realities with their partner and other related co-parents in order to form realistic stepfamily expectations and goals;

       And/or stepparents err by...

Not asking for spiritual and informed human support along the way; and/or...

Not wanting to evolve effective strategies with their partner to avoid or reduce values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles; and/or...

Being too quick to...

• use legal force to resolve disputes with ex mate/s, and/or to...

• minimize how long it takes to heal the distrust, disrespect, hurt, and resentments that always result from legal suits;

        And/or stepparents can come to regret...

Assuming that...

a stepfamily is basically no different than a traditional biofamily;

these five common hazards won't apply personally, or assuming that love and/or spiritual faith alone will surely overcome the hazards;

they and their stepkids must or will genuinely love, trust, and respect each other immediately or eventually;

decades of life experience, and prior marital and child-care experience, will be enough to evolve a successful stepfamily;

        And stepparents make a significant mistake if they assume that...

the children's "other bioparents" are not full members of their new stepfamily, or pretending to include them;

that any major conflict with stepfamily roles, rules, or relationships is someone else's fault, vs. half the stepparent's doing; and/or assuming that...

the stepparent has no options (is a victim), and/or that...

any local "stepfamily problem" is the primary problem, instead of a symptom of several primary problems (unmet needs); or assuming that..

average stepkids need pretty much the same thing as intact-family biokids, and/or that adult stepkids will "be no problem";

        And/or stepparents can mistakenly assume that...

principles of effective biofamily child-discipline will be effective in their new stepfamily; and...

that any licensed, experienced counselor, therapist, clergy, or mediator will know all they need to know about stepfamily uniquenesses, problems, and effective solutions; and...

that it will remain OK for their mate to feel "In (step)family conflicts, my kids will come first." Resentment over feeling second best is the most widely quoted surface reason for eventual re/divorce; and/or...

that psychological or legal re/divorce will avoid the need for self assessment and self-healing; and/or stepparents make a mistake if they assume that...

most people will understand (empathize, validate, and sympathize with) the confusions, doubts, and stresses involved in custodial or non-custodial stepparenting.

What do you think the odds are that typical stepfamily adults can name and explain even half of these stepparent mistakes? Pause and notice what you're thinking now...

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Q15)  Do typical stepmothers need special support compared to stepdads and other co-parents?

        There are significantly more self-help books and Internet chat groups for stepmothers than step-fathers. I'm not aware of any such resources for stepparents' partners. That suggests that authors, publishers, and website developers think stepmoms need the most support, or there really are more calls for information and support from stepmoms.

        If so, that may simply mean average American stepmoms are more vocal about venting and asking for help than stepfamily men or stepfather's wives. For more perspective, review this.

        Option: thoughtfully dig down to clarify why is answering this stepparenting question is important to you. What do you really need here?

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Q16)  Is there a best way for stepparents to handle (inevitable) values and loyalty conflicts?

        Guarantee: every adult and child in every divorcing family and stepfamily - including yours - will experience stressful values and loyalty conflicts and associated relationship triangles, for years.

• Values conflicts involve clashing preferences or priorities. To preserve integrity and relationship harmony, the best response to them is usually...

  • genuine (vs. pretended or dutiful) mutual respect,

  • agreeing you have a values conflict vs. something else, and then

  • wanting to compromise or agree to disagree, rather than ignoring, withdrawing, arguing, debating, hinting, demanding, explaining, aggressing, or persuading.

• A loyalty (priority) conflict happens when an adult or child feels impossibly torn over choosing who to support when two or more family members disagree. See if this proposed solution to these tough conflicts makes sense in your situation.

• Persecutor-Victim-Rescuer relationship triangles occur in all human groups. Until identified and intentionally avoided or dissolved, they promote personal and group conflict, disharmony, and ineffective communication. See how this proposed solution fits your style and situation.

        Because divorces and stepfamily mergers always promote these three stressors, evolving effective strategies to avoid and resolve them are key parts of co-parent Project 9 (merge and stabilize several biofamilies) and Project 10 (build an effective co-parenting team). Strategy effectiveness will increase as co-parents make significant progress on their other ongoing stepfamily-building Projects.

        Reflect: do your co-parents have effective strategies to manage these three stressors in and between your homes yet? If not, what's in the way? Do your kids know how to name and react to these three stressors yet? For more perspective, read this two-page illustration.

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Q17)  Is stepparenting easier if a stepchild's "other bioparent" is dead?

        Yes and no. While there is no living ex mate to cause disputes, these re/marital hazards (can you name them?) apply to all stepfamilies. The number and frequency of family conflicts may be less in post-death stepfamilies, but they still can promote significant personal and family stress and significant odds of eventual psychological or legal re/divorce.

        Some stressors are actually greater - e.g. re/marrying mates and relatives mistakenly assuming stepfamily realities don't apply to them because there is no living ex mate ["No, we're just a regular (non-step) family."]

        Another unique stressor is that stepparents may feel they're competing with a ghost or dead hero/ine in their new caregiving and spousal roles. A third stressor is that the support that a healthy ex-mate can contribute to filling stepkids' needs isn't available.

        A potential indirect stress for stepfamily adults occurs if they start to explore biofamily nurturance levels and recovery from false-self wounds. The dead father or mother is not available to...

• describe kids' early years and ancestral bequests of psychological wounds, or to...

• confront and forgive for unintended early parenting neglects and abuses.

These deficits can make kids' true recovery from their wounds and losses slower and harder.

        Bottom line: stepparents and their supporters should not assume their stepfamily merger will be substantially easier because their stepkids' "other parent" is dead.

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Q18)  Does it get significantly easier for average stepparents when their youngest stepchild lives on their own?

        The web of complex stressors over child custody, visitation, discipline, education, and support do dwindle when the youngest stepchild starts living on their own. So stepparents and other co-parents and supporters can assume that the frequency, complexity, and intensity of stepfamily conflicts will drop significantly.

        If all co-parents have made substantial progress on their version of the 12 safeguard Projects, that assumption is probably justified. This is so despite new values, loyalty, and relationship- triangle stressors that inevitably appear because of stepchild marriage, moving away, child-conception and raising, and significant health, financial, occupational, and/or emotional problems.

        Typical courting and veteran co-parents can't name their five hazards or the 12 protective Projects (can you?). This usually means they've made little or no progress on the Projects even if their stepfamily has stabilized somewhat. This unawareness significantly increases the risk that when the youngest stepchild moves out, versions of primary co-parent stressors will remain.

        A related myth older engaged couples can believe is that because their stepkids are adults, their stepfamily love-boat will have smooth sailing. This assumption can cause shock, disorientation, heart-ache, anxiety, and major regret at "not having seen the need to prepare" (i.e. to do courtship Projects 1-7). See this for more perspective.

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Q19)  What legal rights do average non-adoptive stepparents have relative to their minor step-kids?

        Family-law statutes vary by state, so the general truth is "typical U.S. stepparents have few to no legal parental rights (and responsibilities) re their stepkids unless they legally adopt them." For a range of reasons, most stepparents don't adopt their mate's child/ren.

        This lack of legal status and rights may be a problem when medical professionals need parental approval to help an injured stepchild, and stepparents don't legally qualify. If this is true in your state, an option is to have a family-law attorney draw up a notarized "In Loco Parentis" document.

        One or both bioparents use this instrument to formally authorize a stepparent to act on their behalf with a named minor stepchild. For the best results, ask any attorney if s/he specializes in family law. Local (state) Bar Associations can usually identify such specialists.

        Another potential stressor occurs if a stepparent dies without a will. In most states, her or his net assets may flow to the surviving mate and/or blood relatives, but not to their stepkids if both mates die together.

        A third legal source of conflict may occur if a concerned stepmom or dad requests access to her or his stepchild's school records, and/or to be notified of parent-teacher conferences or staffings. School districts and states vary in their policies about complying with such requests, specially when a hostile ex mate forbids it. Ask your local school administration what their policy is and what options stepparents have.

        A fourth area to note occurs with stepkids who (may) cause trouble with local law-enforcement systems. A non-adoptive custodial stepparent may or may not be legally liable with their bioparent mate for reparations and punitive damages.

        Bottom line: all your co-parents should get qualified family-law counsel on local stepparent's legal rights and responsibilities relative to their minor and grown stepkids. This is usually best done during courtship, to help mates make three right choices. Option - adapt these guidelines for choosing a professional stepfamily counselor to help pick a competent attorney.

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Q20)  Is re/marriage to a stepparent usually "harder" than to a bioparent?

       Re/marrying biomoms and dads choose one of six types of new  partners:

• childless adults who have (1) never married, or are (2)