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qualified counsel.
Q15)
Is there a
best way to reduce false-self wounds?
Recovery from false-self
wounds is
as unique as your fingerprints and DNA. No one else has the composition,
history, and dynamics of your inner family. No one else lives in the social
and physical environment you do, or has your unique mix of dreams, fears,
assets, experiences, limitations, and personality traits.
So by definition,
if
you're burdened with significant false-self wounds, your recovery process
must unique. However, you have the same
goals as other wounded people: (a) freeing your Self to harmonize your inner
family, over time; and (b) patiently reducing any related false-self wounds you suffer.
You also have the same resources available to you. Review this
overview of typical inner-family
recovery.
Q18)
Do I need
professional
help to reduce my wounds? If so, how can I pick a qualified
helper?
If you judge your false-self wounds
to have significant impacts on your health, relationships, and
serenity, somewhere in your recovery process
you'll probably benefit from some qualified professional help. Definitions of
qualified vary as widely as current theories of "personality disorders" and
"effective therapy."
From
27 years' study and practice of psychotherapy with
stepfamily, marital, and recovery clients (and original training as an
engineer), I'm biased toward
family-system-based schemes as being more effective than most other brands of
"talk
therapy." Effective means "promoting desired permanent
(second-order)
changes.
In particular, I recommend a veteran
(e.g. practicing more than five years) licensed therapist (social worker,
psychologist, professional counselor (LPC), marriage and family counselor
(LMFT), or pastoral counselor) who has training and experience in inner-family
therapy or
"parts work." The
Internal Family Systems Association
(IFSA) trains therapists in
this model, and may offer a related certificate.
Other therapies that may help in healing from early-life trauma and personality-harmonizing
are EMDR ("Eye Movement Desensitization and
Reprocessing"),
Psychodrama,
"(Inner)
Voice Dialog," and "Theophostic."
The effectiveness of any of these clinical approaches is only as good as the
health, experience, and creativity of the therapist/s. At the least, any therapist or
counselor should be (a) aware of his or her own subselves, and (b)
consistently guided by their resident true Self.
Many experienced clinicians propose that effective healing requires some
(a) personal work and (b) some experience in a group of
recoverers, preferably led by a seasoned professional.
I join many colleagues in believing effective
wound-reduction
therapy must include a strong theme of personal spirituality (vs.
religion or mysticism).
This is partly because of the
demonstrated healing power of "turning
over" insoluble or overwhelming personal problems to a trusted Higher Power and
no longer compulsively trying to
control the uncontrollable. There is growing documented evidence that
heartfelt, humble individual and group prayer really does seem to foster
desired change, often in unexpected ways.
If
you're re/married, it's vital that any recovery professional you choose is grounded in
(a) inner and (b) outer family-system treatment, (c)
effective
communication
principles, (d)
healthy-grief facilitation, and (e)
stepfamily basics. For more perspective,
see this,
and this Q&A page
on "counseling."
Q20) Why haven't I heard about inner wounds, subselves and
wound-recovery before?
There are at least two reasons. For perspective
on the first, note that the popularization
and acceptance of familytherapy vs. psychoanalysis, has taken three
generations (and is still happening). Clinical acceptance and understanding of multiple
personalities and other "dissociative disorders" is less than two generations
old. Public awareness lags that.
The new concepts of modular brain
functioning and the origins, dynamics, and effects of inner-family
systems of subselves were unknown to your ancestors and childhood teachers.
They're too new (and controversial) to have seeped into general public (your)
awareness yet.
The second reason these concepts are new to you and your peers is repugnant
to most people.
The unacknowledged [wounds + unawareness]
cycle proposed in
Project 1 here inexorably implies that
American society and government
condones (provides no legal sanctions discouraging) unwise child conceptions
and
ineffective
(low nurturance) parenting - and they deny that, tho
conclusive evidence is everywhere.
We require vehicle operators, attorneys, police, plumbers, veterinarians,
teachers, pilots, doctors, food purveyors, and CPAs to pass rigorous
competency tests to practice - but we don't license couples to conceive and
raise children yet.
Our
governments and institutions use our tax money to analyze, report, and
try to cure (vs. prevent) major symptoms of low-nurturance parenting, like
crime, cancer, obesity, abortions, addictions, terrorism, homelessness, child abuse,
welfare,
suicide, murder, "mental
illness,"
divorce, and "clinical
depression."
We do that
rather than face the horror that we are a nation of wounded people unable to
admit our widespread wounds, where they came from, and
what theymean to living and future generations and our fragile
global ecology. Our society
has not hit a meaningful
"bottom" yet, so our citizens and
legislators continue to
deny our denials and
focus fruitlessly on curbing surface problems.
Because this is so controversial and impactful, I know of no organization
or media that has funded a concerted national effort to raise debate,
research, and public awareness of the repugnant, vital need to license
responsible parenting. As cartoon character Pogo said years ago,
"We have met
the enemy, and he is us."
Until this changes, individual co-parents like you must courageously
assess and
heal
your own wounds, forgive your unaware
ancestors and younger selves,
grieve your
losses, and
protect your kids
and grandkids from false-self dominance by
working patiently to raise the nurturance levels
of your homes - despite major distractions, conflicts, and competing
responsibilities.
Are
your family adults doing that for each other and your descendents yet?
The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/qa/wounds-q.htm