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- choose and grow nourishing relationships |
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Evolve Healthy Personal
and
Family Anger
"Policies"
- p. 1 of 2
Do you
know what your policies are?
By Peter K.
Gerlach,
MSW
Member NSRC Experts
Council |
 The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/relate/anger_pol.htm
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This is one of a series of articles on Lesson 4 - choose and evolve
nourishing relationships. These articles build on Lessons 1 - 3, and prepare
you for Lesson 5 (evolve and enjoy a nourishing fam-ily) and Lesson 6 (learn
to practice effective parenting).
ANGER and frustration are instinctive neuro-hormonal reactions to being
(a) hurt or
threat-ened, and (b) unable to fill current needs. These emotions are
normal, not good or bad. How adults and kids
express their frustration and anger (or don't) can cause major
in themselves and
other people.
Premise - all adults, kids, and families evolve semi-conscious "anger policies" - sets of
attitudes and rules (shoulds, oughts, have to's, and cant's) about
feeling and
expressing anger and
frustration. These policies range from
to
unhealthy. Unhealthy anger policies can promote significant physical-health and
relationship problems, and may inhibit healthy grief. Do you agree?
Chronic hurt and anger is part of
This article assumes you're familiar with these concepts:
-
normal personality subselves - slides
or
text
-
six widespread psychological
wounds
-
the silent [wounds + unawareness] cycle that
stresses many families - slides or
text
-
use anger
to create, vs. destroy; and...
-
this
research summary reporting the
toxic effects of significant anger and hostility on our hearts.
This article suggests that anger
and frustration feel the same, but have different sources and merit
different actions. It offers...
-
recap -
anger 101 and
frustration 101
-
options for feeling and
expressing anger and frustration
effectively,
-
perspective on personal and family
anger and frustration "policies,"
-
a
sample family anger policy, and...
-
four preventable things that may
hinder using anger and frustration
constructively.
Personal policies are
acquired attitudes, values, and rules about feeling and expressing some
emo-tions or behaviors. They affect the
and harmony of every
relationship and family. Do you agree? Have you ever identified (a) your
policies on feeling, expressing, and receiving anger and frustra-tion, and
(b) how they affect the quality of your
life?
Try describing your current "anger policy" out loud. Can you
name the
key people who helped you form it? Would you say your recent personal anger policy is
constructive or destructive? How do you judge that? If you have kids, can you
describe the anger policy they're learning to live by?
Let's take a closer look at the normal, useful emotions of anger and
frustration...
Anger 101
See how these premises compare to what you believe: A = "I agree;
D = "I disagree," and ? = "I'm not sure, or I'm ambivalent."
Option - say each premise out loud, and then notice your thoughts and
fee-lings. Your version of premises like these are elements of your anger policy...
-
Anger is an instinctive (automatic) survival response to protect
me
from harm. It is natural,
not good nor bad. (A D ?)
-
Anger automatically follows hurt and/or
fear, and ranges in intensity from mild temporary irritation
(annoyance) to situational or chronic anger to local or habitual rage. (A D ?)
-
Three universal causes of my hurt or fear and anger are...
-
feeling injured or threatened
by someone or something;
-
feeling
- ignored, used, abused, scorned, controlled, deceived,
betrayed, etc; and...
-
a significant loss (broken bond). Some
degree of anger is a normal phase of the emotional level of healthy mourning.
(A D ?)
-
Anger-energy can be seen as valuable
power to improve things, or as dangerous power
that can hurt and destroy if expressed impulsively. (A D ?)
Which view do you
hold?
-
Any motivated adult or older child can learn
to distinguish between feeling anger and expressing it.
(A D ?) Are you usually aware of this difference in calm and stressful
situations? A constructive anger policy and
require
this awareness!
-
Expressing anger constructively
requires...
-
having my
guiding my
(A D ?)
-
a steady attitude of
for all people involved
(starting with myself), despite significant differences,
distrusts, hurts, and frustrations (A D ?); and it requires...
-
clear
awareness of (a) my current
and (b) basic communication
(A D ?)
-
Any informed, motivated caregiver
governed by their
Self (capital "S") can learn to model and pro-vide these three requisites for their
dependent kids. (A D ?)
-
Learning to...
-
be
of my thoughts,
feelings,
and behavior
and to...
-
intentionally choose
and when
I express all intense
emotions - not just anger and frustration...
is essential
for me to relate, communicate, problem-solve, and grieve effectively. (A
D ?)
-
over-stressed caregivers can punish
children who feel and express normal anger and frustration. The message
such adults unintentionally teach is "You're bad if you
feel or show anger (or if you 'make me angry')." Three common
reactions to this are...
-
stubborn
defiance ("Jackie's
just a born
-
repressing
the healthy anger and frustration responses so that it "leaks
out" in other ways like deception, cruelty, abuse, and "passive
aggression;" or some kids...
-
becoming compulsively focused on
some or all other people, and sacrificing per-sonal needs and dignity
to avoid displeasure, criticism, and rejection
(A D ?)
-
People who criticize, scorn, reject, and/or punish
kids or other adults for expressing normal fee-lings are often wounded -
i.e. ruled by
trying to protect against emotional
and/or potential
harm.
(A D ?)
More "Anger 101" premises...
-
Typical
kids unconsciously absorb their
caregivers' values about feeling and expressing hurt and anger, starting in
infancy. They also learn from playmates, teachers, hero/ines, and the
media. Few of these source-people are aware of their hurt and anger policies, or
how anger differs from frustration.
(A D ?)
-
Few parents have ever been taught to
objectively assess (a) their ancestors', (b) their own, and (c) their
child's evolving policies on anger and frustration, and how healthy they
are. (A D ?) Is that true of you? Of your parents and
grandparents?
-
Our ancestors taught us that adults and kids
("Children should be seen and not heard."), and males and females
merited different standards ("Henry's just opinionated. Nina is a
bitch.") for acceptable expression of anger and frustration. Both of
these patriarchal rules are toxic. (A D ?)
-
Intense anger ("rage") and related violent behavior
(shouting, throwing or breaking things, threat-ening, physical attacks)
can intimidate other people, or spark similar behaviors. Insecure (shamed, fearful) people can become
to the power and excitement they feel from using anger-energy
to dominate and intimidate (control) other people ("Carlos is a major
rageaholic!")
(A D ?)
This always indicates the
person is a significantly-wounded
of a low-nurturan-ce childhood.
Chronic rage may indicate the person's subselves are stuck in the
emotional level of normal grief. (A D ?)
-
Problematic
expression of anger usually indicates...
-
Anyone can learn to
(a)
their
(b) express anger (and other
strong feelings) constructively,
and (c) stay calm and grounded in the face of other people's strong
feelings and violent behavior. (A D ?)
+++
We just reviewed some basic premises about the normal human emotions of hurt
and anger. What are your subselves saying and feeling now? Did you just learn anything
useful? Each of (your version of) these premises contributes to your anger policy.
Stay tuned for more on this...
Now let's shift gears and explore something that's often mistaken for anger. Remember what you felt and thought the last time you were
frustrated?
Can you articulate your policies about (a) feeling and asserting
needs, and (b) expressing frustration?
Frustration 101
Have you
ever studied the human trait of
and the emotion of frustration? Yes or no,
you've surely formed some opinions and values (a "policy") about feeling and expressing
it, just as your parents, hero/ines, mentors, and partner/s did. See how
your beliefs compare with these...
-
All infants, kids, and adults feel needy
all the time. Needs are emotional, physical, and spiritual
discomforts, which cause all animal and human behavior (A
D ?);
-
Frustration is neither good nor bad. It is an automatic mental/emotional
response to feeling pow-erless - i.e. feeling unable to fill one
or more
current
Restated: local and chronic
frustration are useful signals that important needs are unsatisfied. (A D ?)
-
Frustration ranges between minor
to major, and occasional (situational) to chronic. (A D ?)
-
Significant frustration in an adult (like you) or a child may indicate one
or more of these:
-
a
is currently in charge (A D
?); and/or...
-
s/he can't
and fill
some current needs effectively (A D ?); and/or...
-
the person can't define,
assert, and enforce personal
and consequences effectively
(A D ?); and/or...
-
s/he chose or accepted unachievable responsibilities and/or
goals (A D ?). And/or...
-
s/he feels a major unresolved
and/or other
(inability to "let go" of something or someone - often indicating
false-self control) (A D ?); and/or a frustrated adult or child...
-
has unrealistic expectations from
ignorance
and/or
about someone or something (A D ?);
and/or s/he has...
-
a compulsive need to
based on false-self insecurity + guilt + shame. And/or a frustrated person may feel...
-
local or chronic
- i.e.
s/he can't sort out and prioritize current responsibili-ties, stresses, goals, and/or options. (A D ?)
-
Expressing frustration
can promote reciprocal frustration, hurt, anger, and
Without
this
can occur in a few seconds, and cause a web of interactive personal and
relationship problems. (A
D ?)
-
Childhood training can promote unconsciously discounting ["This (my unfilled
need) is no big deal."] or repressing healthy frustration.
This promotes chronic resentments, self and mutual dis-respect,
guilt, confusion, and harmful avoidances ("I don't talk to my parents
about my upsets, be-cause all they do is lecture and criticize me.")
(A D ?)
-
I
can avoid or reduce significant frustration
by...
-
having my
usually
my
(A D ?); (ref.
-
learning the difference between
and how to
the latter in any important situation (A D ?); and...
-
learning to distinguish between (a) the
causes of, and (b) effective responses to, anger
and frustration (A D ?); and...
-
evolving a credible
Bill of Personal Rights and living
by it (maintaining my
despite other people's
scorn, resentment, indifference, and criticism (A D ?);
and by...
-
learning effective communication
(problem-solving) basics and skills
- specially
effective
and
empathic
(A D ?); and...
-
learning how to (a) define, (b) assert, and (c)
enforce my personal
and conse-quences
calmly and respectfully, without excessive anxiety, guilt, or shame;
and also by...
-
practicing patience, and being aware of
what I can and can't control; and...
-
learning how to (a) give other able people
responsibility for their own lives, and to (b) avoid feeling
for their needs, behaviors, and frustrations.
(A D ?)
-
Adults and kids who are often
frustrated (i.e. who lack these requisites) are not bad -
they're
They merit compassion, not blame or ridicule! (A D ?)
-
Any informed, motivated parent usually
guided by their true Self (capital "S") can model and pro-vide these requisites to their
dependent kids. (A D ?)
-
Any
motivated adult or teen can learn to acquire these requisites and avoid or
reduce significant frustration (a) among their subselves, and (b) in their
family and social relationships!
(A D ?)
Attitudes and beliefs like these comprise your personal policy on feeling
and expressing needs and frustration. Pause, breathe, and notice your
What are you aware of now? If you just discovered something useful, what is
it?
Try putting these ideas to work now. Think of a major frustration in
your life. Then with your Self in charge, use the
technique to discover what unfilled
are causing your frustra-tion. Then try to identify specifically what
prevents you from filling those needs. Review these
for perspective.
You just read some basic premises that contribute to your and your
family's policies on (a) feeling and (b) expressing anger and frustration. Let's take a closer look at the
first of these now.
Do you need a stretch or refreshment break before continuing?
Is your Self
your personality now or
Try identifying someone whose way of expressing and reacting to anger you
admire (starting with you?). Reflect - what is it about their way
that you respect? See how it compares to these ideas...
What
is a "Healthy Anger Policy"?
Recall why you're reading this article. Then take a
moment to review your definitions of (a) personal
and (b) high-nurturance (harmonious, mutually satisfying, healthy)
Then say your definition of a "policy" out loud. These will provide useful
context for what follows.
Premise - a "policy" is a set of personal or group
values, beliefs, and standards that shape peo-ple's behaviors and relationships.
Policies are composed of interrelated groups of "rules" and conse-quences -
shoulds, musts, have to's, ought to's, and cant's. These rules may be inherited
without question from other people like ancestors, teachers, mentors, mates, and
hero/ines, and/or they may evolve from personal life experience ("Never swear at
a policeman.")
Most
adults (like you?) and all kids are
of their anger
and frustration policies, yet they (you) act on them
all the time, perhaps in spite of painful results.
Premise - any motivated, aware adult or older child can
intentionally identify and shift a stressful anger policy toward a more satisfying
(effective) one,
despite other people's "resistances," scorn, and/or criticisms.
Do you agree?
|
Premise - a "healthy anger policy" is a set of values,
attitudes, and beliefs about
feeling,
ex-pressing, and reacting to anger
which consistently promotes self-respect + effective communications
+ filling current
with other people.
Try saying this out loud, and decide if you need to
edit it. |
Forming
healthy anger and frustration policies takes patient effort, time,
and experi-menting. Many people (i.e.
their protective subselves) prefer to avoid thinking or talking honestly about their
anger polices - specially if they might find their polices are
destructive.
Committing to evolve a constructive anger
policy and to live by it indicates true
- taking full responsibility for how you
behave. It's also a sign of responsible parenting. Did your childhood caregivers do this for you?
Symptoms of a Healthy Anger Policy
Each
person (like you) evolves unique policies about feeling, expressing,
and reacting to anger and frustration, so there is no absolute standard. I suggest that most or all of
the "101" factors above deserve inclusion in your policy in some form.
How can you tell if your personal anger policy is
effective ("healthy") enough? See if your true Self (capital "S") is
guiding you
and then see if these statements apply to you.
A
= "I agree;" D = "I disagree," and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It
depends (on what?)."
-
I (a) see anger and frustration as normal, useful emotions, and
(b) I fully accept my responsibility to express them respectfully and constructively;
(A D ?)
-
I seldom feel significant anxiety, guilt, shame,
or regret after expressing hurt, anger, needs, or frustration; (A D ?)
-
I'm usually not hesitant or
ambivalent about expressing hurt, anger, needs, or frustration with other people in most situations;
(Caution - this may also be a false self at work); (A D ?)
-
I rarely express anger or frustration impulsively and/or swear, raise my voice, label (insult) other people, threaten
or scorn them, cut
them off, and/or act violently; (A D ?)
-
I (a) know how to identify why I feel
hurt and anger, and (b) how to describe that clearly (e.g. with a respectful
without blame, when I need to. (A D ?)
-
I'm fully able to feel and express my
current feelings as they happen, rather than intellectually describe or
explain (justify) them now or later; (A D ?)
-
Other people seldom or never complain directly
or indirectly about the way I express anger,
needs,
and frustration - in general, or at them; (A D ?)
-
I don't need to use chemicals like alcohol or
dope to
help express (vent) my current anger and/or frustration; (A D ?)
-
I'm
usually comfortable enough around angry and frustrated people, unless I feel (a)
disrespected and/or unsafe around them (A D ?); and...
-
I feel that...
-
kids have the right to feel and
express anger and frustration (and other emotions) just as much as adults do, and...
-
kids need
patient, empathic adult guidance on
to (a) understand and (b) express these useful
emotions effectively.
(A D ?)
Pause and
reflect - would you edit or add to these symptoms of a healthy anger policy? Do
these symptoms describe your current personal and family anger policies?
Would other family members and supporters agree?
Continue by reviewing a sample anger
policy and key action-options. Do you need a break first?
+ + +
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Updated
February 14, 2010
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