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        This is one of a series of articles in Lesson 4 - choose and evolve nourishing relationships. This article exists because sociologists estimate almost half of U.S. marriages fail legally. Untold millions more fail psychologically, but stop short of legal divorce. Implication - most couples unintentionally pick the wrong partner, for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time.

        The wrong people are wounded, unaware, and in denial of this. Wrong reasons to commit in-clude ending loneliness and anxiety, rescuing, legitimizing sex, proving something to someone, revenge, codependence, and other unhealthy motives. The wrong time is before both mates reduce their wounds and gain the knowledge in Lessons 1-6 here. Does this make sense to you? 

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          It's widely estimated that at least half of recent American first marriages fail, and that the rate is even higher among stepfamily couples. Millions more families endure the daily stress of psychological divorce, but stop short of the grinding, expensive legal process.

After studying this tragic trend since 1979, I believe one of five reasons for this divorce epidemic is adult unawareness - i.e. typical courting partners don't know they need to research the questions below to raise their odds for choosing the right families to commit to, for the right reasons, at the right time.

        These two pages offer questions that typical courting partners should research before exchanging commitment vows, to raise the odds of making wise choices. The questions are for (a) all couples, and (b) couples with one or more kids from prior unions (stepfamily courtships).

        Find suggestions, resources, and answers to all these questions and more in my practical  guide-book Stepfamily Courtship - make three right re/marriage choices (Xlibris.com, 2001). Most of the book applies to all couples.

        Before continuing, pause, breathe, and reflect - why are you reading this? What do you need?

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  Key Courtship Questions

        Options - (a) read all these questions first before following any links; and (b) thoughtfully discuss these items with your partner. Your respective thoughts and feelings are just as important as the answers.

Questions for All Couples

1)  What needs are my partner and I trying to fill by dating seriously?

2)  What are the basic requirements for a healthy long-term primary relationship?

3)  Are there reliable courtship danger signs I should know and heed? Yes.

4)  My partner and I have different religious faiths. How concerned should I be about t this?

5)  I love a person of the same gender. What factors should we consider before exchan-     ging vows?

6)  My partner and I are much different in age. Should we be concerned? Maybe.

7)  How do I know if I should commit to this partner and his or her family?

8)  How do I know of it's the right time for me to commit?

9)  How do I know if I'm committing for the right reasons?

10)  What resources are available to help us make wise commitment decisions?
     

Additional Questions for Stepfamily Couples

11)  Is courtship different "the second time around"? No and yes.

12)  If I date a person with kids, what should I look for? 

13)  I'm a single parent. What co-parenting traits should I look for in a new partner?

14)  What mistakes can typical partners make in deciding to form or join a stepfamily? 

15)  What are the best sources of stepfamily education for courting co-parents?

16)  How long after divorce should co-parents wait to re/marry?

17)  How soon should I tell my child/ren I'm serious about committing to a new partner?

18)  Is there a best way  to conduct stepfamily courtship? Yes!

19)  How can I tell if I'm ready to commit to a stepfamily?

20)  Why are typical U.S. stepfamilies at higher risk of psychological or legal divorce than
      average biofamilies (first marriages)? There are five related reasons. 

21)  How can we tell if we need pre-re/marital counseling, and how can we pick an effec-
       tive counselor?

22)  Are there any danger signals in addition to those above that courting co-parents ought
       to watch for before committing to join or form a stepfamily? Yes!

23)  How heavily should I weigh my child/ren's opinions in deciding if, to whom, and when
       to re/marry?

24)  We've decided to re/wed. Are there any helpful guides for planning our wedding and
       honeymoon?

25)  I love the person I'm dating, and I'm not crazy about one (or more) of their kids. Is that
       likely to improve if or when we live together?

26)  My partner and I disagree on trying to conceive one or more ("ours") kids. How
      concerned should I be about this?

27)  Other people tell us we'll be forming a stepfamily if we re/marry, but my partner and/or
       I don't see it that way. Who's right?

28)  I feel my partner and I ought to wait and learn more about what we're getting into, and
      s/he's pushing to re/marry soon. What should we do?

29)  My partner is (or I am) uncomfortable admitting prior marriages and/or divorces. Is that        normal and OK?

30)  After all they've been through, I feel strongly my children should come first if we        re/marry. My partner seems ambivalent or opposed to that. What should we do?

31)  My partner isn't interested in learning about stepfamilies. Should I insist?

32)  Is re/marriage with a childless partner more stressful than with a single parent? Maybe,        depending on many factors.

33)  Overall, what are the main suggestions you have to help us make wise stepfamily-       commitment decisions?

 If you don't see your question here, please ask!

 

Q4)  My partner and I have different religious faiths. How concerned should I be about this?

        Many factors determine whether courting partners' differences over religious faith will be a major relationship and family stressor. Such differences are one of many values and loyalty conflicts your family will experience after commitment vows. If religion (vs. spirituality) and biofamily religious traditions and bonds are high in one or both suitor's personal priorities, this may be a compelling reason to remain friends vs. vowing commitments.

        Options:

• ensure your respective true Selves are guiding your other subselves,

• read and discuss this article for more perspective;

• use a shared mutual-respect attitude, and awareness and dig-down skills to illuminate your primary needs and long-term priorities as teammates;

• invest time and energy evolving effective strategies to prevent and resolve these three common stressors; and...

      The way you two approach this conflict (e.g. timidly, in/directly, aggressively, rigidly, rationally, pa-tiently, impulsively,..) probably forecasts how you'll handle other inevitable values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles if you commit to each other. This is the real issue masked by surface disputes over religion and other things.

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Q6)  My partner and I are much different in age. Should we be concerned about this?

        As people age, some priorities change, and they gradually lose some physical abilities. They're also more prone to health issues. The wider the age gap between mates, the more likely it is that they will encounter significant values differences - e.g. he wants a restful vacation by the lake, and she wants to go travel or backpack in the mountains. It's also more likely that the older partner will die well before the younger mate, leaving her or him without a companion in old age.

        The real issue is not the age difference, It is how well you two can negotiate major values clashes and remain solidly committed. How effective is your strategy at doing this now? See this for more detail and options.

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Q11)  Is courtship different "the second time around"?

         Compared to dating "the first time around." courtship involving prior children and former mates is the same in some ways, and different in others:

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Q14)  What mistakes do typical partners make before deciding to form or join a stepfamily? 

        Common errors (uninformed decisions) include...

Assuming that these five major hazards don't apply to you, your kids, and ex mate/s; and/or that these 16 danger signs are "for other people."

Assuming that "re/marriage is essentially the same as first marriage, so there's nothing I need to learn." Unawareness is one of five major reasons millions of U.S. stepfamily couples re/divorce. See this quiz and self-study Lesson 7.  Another common error is...

Assuming that co-parenting and relationships in a new stepfamily are "not much different than in a(n intact) biofamily." They differ greatly in children's needs, family norms and envi-ronments, relationship barriers, family-adjustment tasks, and developmental stages!

Excluding kids' other bioparents (ex mates) from full stepfamily membership. Their genes, needs, opinions, legal rights, finances, ancestry, actions, and values will affect your lives for decades, including nurturing any grandchildren.

Not learning stepfamily basics and realities vs. these 60 common myths, and/or not taking the implications of these realities seriously.

        Other common co-parent mistakes in courtship are...

Not telling your child/ren or ex mate/s you're seriously considering re/marriage until the last minute. They need time to learn, grieve, process, and adjust!

Not bothering to learn or respect (a) potential stepkids' developmental and special adjust-ment needs, and (b) your related need to patiently build a co-parenting team to help fill those needs (to nurture).

Allowing unawareness + neediness + idealizations + psychological wounds to persuade you to commit to the wrong people,  for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time.

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 Q15)  What are the best sources of stepfamily education for courting co-parents?

        This Website exists because in researching since 1979, I've found no comprehensive source of valid, practical stepfamily information. My guidebook Stepfamily Courtship - How to make three right decisions (Xlibris.com, 2001) is the only available book based on 28 years' professional research and these five common stepfamily hazards and seven safeguard Lessons.

        The sequel, Build a High-nurturance Stepfamily (Xlibris.com, 2001), is for post-courtship readers. There are many other books about stepparenting and stepfamilies. I've read over 40 of them. Each has its own merits, and usually misses the primary problems co-parents need to be aware of.

        See this for suggestions on evaluating stepfamily advice, and this for suggestions on selecting  useful stepfamily books and articles. For an overview, see this slide presentation on stepfamily basics, hazards, and co-parent safeguards. If you have trouble viewing the slides, see this, this, and this.

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Q16)  How long after divorce should co-parents wait to re/marry?

        One of three core reasons millions U.S. stepfamily re/marriages fail legally or psychologically is that one or both mates were unaware, and vowed "I do" too soon. Most new nuclear stepfamilies follow one or both partners' divorce/s.

        All adults and kids in divorcing families need time to (a) grieve their many losses (broken bonds) which usually takes at least several years after adult-couple separation. Use this checklist to expand your awareness about family recovery from separation and legal divorce/s.

        Courting couples also need enough time to (b) get to know each other and related kids and adults, and to (c) learn what they're getting into by progressing at these self-study Lessons together. I urge you suitors to not commit until at least 18 months has passed after the most recent divorce or mate death. Longer is safer. See this for more detail.

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Q17)  How soon should I tell my child/ren I'm serious about committing to a new partner?

        Dating after divorce or mate-death will cause your minor and grown kids (and ex mate and key relatives) major questions. They'll need to know about potential major changes that will affect them. Seri-ously considering re/marriage and/or cohabiting causes major changes and losses for custodial and visiting kids and key others. It also offers potential benefits!

        I recommend informing your kids clearly as soon as you (a) start dating and (b) seriously considering co-habiting and/or re/marriage. At any age, they need time to...

• explore how they feel about these new people and your potential stepfamily lifestyle;

• evolve and ask key questions;

• test some key things, like "Will I become less important to you? Have less time with you? Be abandoned - again?"); and...

• start grieving significant losses (broken bonds) to prepare for new attachments.

Hiding your dating and/or potential re/marriage from your kids (and anyone else) is a sure sign of false-self wounds, fears, distrusts, perhaps guilts, and is a glaring courtship danger sign.

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Q18)  Is there a best way  to conduct stepfamily courtship?

        Yes!  By partners each (a) acknowledging they're part of a complex stepfamily, (b) committing to work patiently together at these vital self-study Lessons before exchanging vows, and (c) heeding these Q&A answers.

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Q19)  How can I tell if I'm ready to commit to a stepfamily?

        You can be reasonably sure if...

• you're confident that your true Self (capital "S") has often guided your other other subselves (personality) for well over a year; and you have...

• read and discussed self-study Lessons 1 thru 7  together thoroughly, and...

• filled out and discussed all the worksheets in Lesson 7 honestly, and you...

• feel stable, clear, and sure of making three right decisions ; and...

• you honestly feel that none of these danger signs apply to you all; and...

• your excellent partner has done all these things too.

Gain extra assurance on the last three criteria by working on this modular re/marriage-prep course with your partner for several months.

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Q20)  Why are typical U.S. stepfamilies at higher risk of psychological or legal divorce than
average biofamilies (first marriages)?

        Many stepfamily authors and commentators estimate American (legal) re/divorce rates to be 60% to 70%, though I can find no census data to support this. After 30 years' professional study, I believe these five hazards explain why typical stepfamilies experience significant problems which may promote eventu-al legal or psychological re/divorce despite mates' prior experience, maturity, and determination. For av-erage mates, statistics are less important than clear awareness of stepfamily realities and their implica-tions.

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Q21)  How can we tell if we need courtship counseling, and how can we pick an effective stepfamily counselor?

        Typical multi-home stepfamilies differ from "traditional" (intact) biofamilies in over 60 ways. Millions of disillusioned, exhausted American couples eventually re/divorce legally and/or psychologically. Be-cause there is a lot to learn and evaluate before deciding if and when to re/wed, I recommend that no matter how mature, every couple seriously thinking about forming or joining a stepfamily...

• get informed pre-remarital education,

• invest time and energy taking and discussing these worksheets, and then...

• get an informed professional opinion on the feasibility of their re/marriage.

"Informed" means "thoroughly knowledgeable of these 7 Lessons or equivalent. See these questions and answers on counseling, this article, and this free re/marriage-prep course. 

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Continued...

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Updated February 24, 2010