The Web
address of this page is http://sfhelp.org/relate/guide4.htm
My observation as a family-systems therapist since 1981 is that a
majority of average kids and adults are unaware of how to choose and
maintain healthy, satisfying relationships - including with mates, kids,
relatives, and coworkers. This fourth
Break-the-Cycle lesson proposes a framework of ideas for achieve
"high-nurturance" (mutually satisfying) relationships.
This lesson assumes you've made significant progress on
Lessons 1 - 3. It is
divided
into four se-quential modules:
relationship basics
how to solve relationship problems
relating to yourself and a Higher Power
primary relationships with a mate and
your Higher Power;
Note - Lesson 6 in this Break the
Cycle! course focuses on adult relationships with children.
Objective - studying Lesson 4 will empower you to
assess the quality of any relationship so you can (a) choose
and (b) evolve healthy family and social relations. The
concepts in this lesson apply equally to the dynamics among
your personality subselves and the people you live and work
with.
Why Study This Lesson?
Overall, do your current relationships enhance or degrade the quality of your life? Would you like to improve the quality of your
relationships if you could?
People are social animals. Adults, kids, and infants need other people
to help fill a range of needs like
companionship, affirmation, love, support, learning, and assistance. Many
variables determine our re-lationship satisfactions, yet our society
doesn't teach people how to understand and manage these varia-bles well.
The evidence is all around us - divorces, domestic violence, abuse,
neglect, abandonment, "not speaking," affairs, crime, and so on.
Premise - any time the existence and/or actions of person "A" has
a "significant effect" on person "B," they have a "relationship." Using
this definition, how many relationships do you have now? Among them,
identify the the most satisfying relationship you have. Now think of one
or more stressful relation-ships. What makes the difference? This lesson
offers a practical answer.
Every relationship involves two people. You can control your half, but
not the other. Do you know how to optimize your half of important
relationships now? Do you know how to identify "relationship prob-lems"
and negotiate effective solutions? Can you choose "compatible" people to
relate to, and avoid "problem people?" Did the adults who raised you
know these things? Are you teaching the young people in your life how to
do them?
The main reason to study
this lesson is to raise your awareness of the
relationships that shape the quality of your life and your opinion of
yourself. Another reason is to grow your ability to analyze and re-solve
"relationship problems" effectively. On a scale of one (very ineffective)
to ten (very effective), how would you rate your abilities to do these
two things now?
A third compelling reason to study this lesson is to help you evolve a
high-nurturance family (Les-son 5), and improve the lives of a
multi-generational fan of living and unborn people.
Status Check -
mentally review the top five of your current life priorities. Is
progress with Lessons 1-3 (reducing wounds / learning communication skills /
doing good
grief) included? With your priorities in mind,
rank how important improving
your relationship skills and satisfactions is:
_ very important _
moderately important _ unimportant.
Lesson 4, Module 1 - Relationship Basics
This first module exists because our unaware society struggles with
"relationship problems" without understanding how they work or how to
resolve them. This module will help you form a knowledge base for the other four
modules in this lesson. Check each step off after you complete it.
__ 4-1)take this
quiz to learn your current knowledge of
relationship fundamentals.
__ 4-2) compare
these premises about you and relationships to
your beliefs.
__ 4-3) study
these Q&A items about relationships. How many
can you answer?.
__ 4-5) list the
most satisfying relationships you've had so far. Then identify why
you select them.
__ 4-6) see if
you agree with
these ideas about how people's attitudes
affect their relationships.
__ 4-7) compare
these requisites for a
mutually-satisfying relationship with your beliefs.
__ 4-8) consider
these ideas about why family relationships are
unique.
Lesson 4, Module 2 - Solve Relationship Problems
Premise - a "relationship problem" occurs whenever the attitudes
and/or behavior of one person signifi-cantly hinder another other person
from filling their primary needs. Our society hasn't learned to teach
people how to avoid or resolve relationship problems effectively - do
you agree?
__ 4-9)
Meditate on these ideas about personal
awareness. Are you aware?
__ 4-10)
Study these nine common barriers to
satisfying relationships. Are they affecting yours?
__ 4-11)
Study this proposal for analyzing any
relationship or social-role problem effectively
__ 4-17)
Learn to distinguish anger from frustration, and
what to do about each of them.
__ 4-18)Browse this menu of common relationship problems
and options for resolving them
Lesson 4, Module 3 - Relating to Your Self
Do you treat yourself as well as you treat people you care most about?
My clinical observation over 30 years is that most Americans treat
themselves poorly - i.e. unhealthy diets, too little exercise and
quality sleep, little preventive health care, and choosing unbalanced
lifestyles.
I propose this is
largely due to the pervasive [wounds + unawareness] cycle that is
degrading our society. The purpose of this module is to increase your
awareness of how you treat yourself, and motivate you to im-prove that.
__ 4-19)
consider these ideas on awareness.
Then try this simple self-awareness
exercise
at random times for a week or more. See what you learn.
__ 4-20)
_ read this perspective on wholistic
health, and then _ rank yours from 1 (low) to ten (high)
__ 4-21)
identify your top current priorities,
as judged by your actions, not your words. Is maintaining your
wholistic health among
them?
__ 4-22)
meditate on this research summary on
American self-neglect. Does
it apply to you?
__ 4-23)
are you a shame-based person?
You may have been taught that you don't deserve to care for
your- self.
__ 4-24)consider these ideas on respect. The rank your
self respect ("esteem") from one (low) to ten (high).
__ 4-25)
Consider this news report on "bad
habits." Does it apply to you?
__ 4-26)
Read this perspective on sleep
deprivation. Does it apply to you?
__ 4-28)
Read this perspective on the four kinds of
addiction. Do you
have an active addiction?
__ 4-29)
Read about the communication skill of assertion. Then rank yourself as
an asserter from one (inef- fective) to ten (very
effective). Do you usually rank your needs as equally important as other
peo- ples' needs?
("No" usually indicates false-self dominance).
__ 4-30)
Vividly picture the person/s you love most now. Enjoy the feeling of
respect, delight, and admiration you have for them. Then
study your reflection in a mirror. Do you feel the same about that
amazing person?
__ 4-31)
Think of someone you know who clearly values and cares for
himself/herself as much as for other people. Would people
who know you describe you thatway?
__ 4-32)If you are a
Grown Wounded Child
(Lesson 1), how motivated are you to
free
your true Self and reduce your false-self
wounds?
(_ not interested _ moderately interested _ very interested)
Pause, breathe, and notice your
thoughts and feelings.
What did you just learn about relating to your Self?
Lesson 4, Module 4 - Primary Relationships
Primary relationships are the same as other relationships
(above) and differ in key ways. This module hi-lights some basic
information, and proposes solutions to common primary relationships for
first marriages and stepfamily re/marriages. (The "/" notes it may be a
stepparent's first union). It also offers ideas on forming a
nourishing relationship with your Higher Power.
MATE-MATE RELATIONSHIPS
__ 4-33) Read this
basic perspective on marriage, and
compare it to your experience.
__ 4-34) Study
these Q&A items on marriage and
divorce, See how many you can
answer!
__ 4-35) Consider
these opinions about divorce, and
compare them to yours.
__ 4-36) compare
these ideas about marital love with your
experience
__ 4-37) Mull
these courtship danger signs for
childless and stepfamily
couples. Divorce begins with unwise courtship choices.
__ 4-39) Compare
this opinion about healthy marital
priorities with yours. If either of you feel you have "too
little time" to nourish your relationship, discuss
this.
__ 4-40) Review
these four factors required for
mutually-satisfying relationships
__ 4-41) Study
and discuss these ideas about marital
respect and trust
__ 4-42) Review
these five epidemic hazards and these
common barriers to
mutually-satisfying relation- ships
__ 4-48) evaluate
whether your religion nourishes or
stresses your relationship
__ 4-49) each of
you mates fill out this profile, and
discuss it honestly together
__ 4-50) if
you're in a stepfamily, see Lesson 7.
My experience as a family-systems therapist for 30 years is that marital
trouble and divorce are caused by...
mates' psychological
wounds + ignorance of
grieving, communication, and relationship basics (Lessons 1-4 here)
and...
public denial of, and tolerance for,
epidemic wounds and ignorance.
If this is so and you experience "marital problems," then
avoid
counselors, therapists, and marital pro-grams who aren't aware of these
causal factors or minimize them. Such well-meaning helpers usually focus
on superficial issues, not the
primal ones - specially not on
psychological
wounds (Lesson 1)
HIGHER-POWER
RELATIONSHIP
Many psychological wound-reduction experts propose that a firm belief in
a benign (vs. stern, jea-lous, and wrathful) Higher Power is essential
for progress.
Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) are either...
atheists or agnostics,
passive believers in a Supreme Being,
or...
active believers who pray and worship
regularly. They may have a fear-based faith (e.g. fearing
sin, God's "wrath," and eternal damnation) or a nourishing faith in a benign,
loving, responsive God.
Some of the latter have a "one-way" relationship. They do not expect to
converse with God. Others are open to a "two-way relationship" with
their Higher Power - i.e. having meaningful real-time dialogs.
Premises - a two-way spiritual relationship is achievable by anyone who
intentionally increases their
awareness, and strongly promotes false-self wound
reduction.
This is a complex topic which deserves its own Web site.
The "assignments"
below are
offered to increase your awareness and enhance your relationship with a
reliable, caring Supreme Being.
__ 4-51) With
your Self (capital 'S')
in charge, read this perspective on toxic and
nurturing religion (vs.
spirituality).
__ 4-52) Meditate
and reflect: which childhood people - specifically - most influenced
your religious faith and practices? Why?
__ 4-53) Reflect:
were those people following someone else's idea of God, or had they
formed their own opinions from reflections and mature
experience?
__ 4-54) Do you
feel you were encouraged to explore and form your own understanding and
ways
of worship, or were you required to accept someone
else's ways?
__ 4-55) Define _
"prayer," _ "effective prayer," and _ "answered prayer" out loud.
__ 4-56) if you
pray, do you listen for a response (thoughts, feelings, hunches,
and/or "senses")? If not, why? If so, do you
trust and follow your "still, small voice"? If not, why?
__ 4-57) Review
these proposed 12 steps for Grown Wounded
Children in recovery. Are you motivated to _ adapt these
steps to fit you, and _ live by them?
__ 4-58)Do you depend on some Holy Scripture to guide you in learning
God's wishes or commands, or do you trust your own communion
with Him/Her?
__ 4-59) Define
the difference between religion and spirituality out loud.
__ 4-61) Take
this quiz again to assess what you've learned
here. Then (a) keep working
on Lessons 1-3, and (b) move on to Lesson 5.- evolve and enjoy a
high-nurturance family.
Option - restudy and discuss this lesson in important relationship
conflicts and/or on anniversaries.
Recap
This fourth study guide provides over 60 "as-signments" to help you become more aware of the variables that affect all your
relationships - including with your Self and your Higher Power. It also pro-vides
practical options for analyzing and resolving common relationship problems.
These tasks will help you choose and evolve more enjoyable relationships
and significantly reduce stress. They're based on
personal awareness, and...
having your true
Self
guide you in all situa-tions (Lesson 1),
and...
learning to think and communicate
effectively (Lesson
2), and...
knowledge of relationship
fundamentals. (Module 1 here.)
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's
answering
these questions - your
true Self,
or
someone else?
The Web
address of this page is http://sfhelp.org/relate/guide4.htm
Objective - studying Lesson 4 will empower you to
assess the quality of any relationship so you can (a) choose
and (b) evolve healthy family and social relations. The
concepts in this lesson apply equally to the dynamics among
your personality subselves and the people you live and work
with. 
Why Study This Lesson?