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This is one of a series of articles on Lesson 4 - choose and evolve
nourishing relationships. These articles build on Lessons 1 - 3, and prepare
you for Lesson 5 (evolve and enjoy a nourishing family) and Lesson 6 (learn
to practice effective parenting).
This article focuses on something that every human and
animal is faced with every moment - discerning and satisfying currentneeds.The article covers...
basic premises about needs
a summary of common primary needs
premises about who's responsible for filling
our needs
an exercise on experiencing your
surface and primary needs,
a summary of Dr. Abraham Maslow's "hierarchy
of human needs," and...
all human behavior - including thinking
and communicating - reflexively aims to
reduce current needs - emotional, physical, mental, and/or spiritual
discomforts;
satisfying (filling) current needs causes satisfaction. Being unable to identify or fill current needs
causes frustration. Unaware people confuse frustration
with anger because they feel the same.
seeing no way to fill major long-term needs
causes hopelessness and despair. Filling enough current
needs causes (temporary) happiness, peace, and
occasionally joy.
needs range from primary to intermediate to
surface, and from immediate to long-term. Most people are unaware of
this, and focus on
filling surface or intermediate needs rather than the
primary needs that cause them.
this
usually causes temporary satisfaction at best, because
symptoms of the
primary needs ("problems" or "bad habits") keep reappearing. This can
promote frustration, self doubt, blame, conflict, discouragement, and
resignation. These...
corrode self-confidence and relationships,
and lower the
nurturance level of families and other groups, and promote divorce
and illness.
Implication:intentionally trying to
identify and satisfy your
and others'primary needs promotes
seren-ity, security, peace, and
satisfactions. Do you agree? Awareness and "dig-down" skills (Lesson
2) can help you identify primary needs like these...
CommonPrimary Needs
Tailor this random-order list to fit your beliefs and life experience.
How would you
rank-order these needs in your life now?
How would your partner, your parents, and each dependent? Note that
people usually have groups of these needs simultaneously, which can make
naming each of them a challenge. Option - try saying each one of
these out loud: "I need (to)...
Stay personally
aware and
self-accepting ("I'm OK!")
Identify, assert, and enforce
my personal
boundaries
Choose and act on my own short
and long-term
priorities
Evolve a set of personal
rights,
and
assert them without
undue anxiety or guilt
Get enough nurturing (vs. toxic)
humor, play, and laughter
Keep enough
hopefor future
satisfactions and relief from discomfort
Enjoymyself and
my life!
Pause, breathe, and notice where your thots go... Have you ever seen
a sum-mary of primary needs like this before?
Do you agree that every child and adult has a
dynamic mix of these
needs - which makes us all true equals, beneath our surface
differences?
Does it also seem credible that most people could not describe
these needs? Anyone (e.g. you) can choose to develop their
awareness of their set of
primary needs and how they affect their life, relation-ships, and wholistic
health.
Note that in any situation each person will have a different set of these needs, and will
rank them dif-ferently.
Do you agree?
One definition of "social harmony" is
when people temporarily (a) have similar-enough
primary needs and values, and (b) rank them equally.
Problems are
clashes between subselves' or people's primary needs, perceptions, and
values. Aware-ness of this is the first step toward resolving them.
Premise:
effectiveconflict resolution depends on each person
or group wanting
to accept respon-sibility for identifying and
filling their own primary needs.
How does that compare with what you believe?
Maturing is (partly)
wanting to shift from childhood dependence on others for
need-fulfillment to confident dependence on yourself. Does that
describe you recently?
We're the first Western (or global?) generation to popularly acknowledge the
harmful relationship dynamic of enabling.
If out of kindness, compassion, anxiety, or misplaced guilt I take on too
much responsi-bility for
your
problems(unfilled needs), I block you from learning how to master them. Thus
enabling is the opposite of empowering, which
is what
high-nurturance co-parents want to do for their kids
and each other.
Implication: if you expect your mate, parents, children, or
others to fill your primary needs (above), you're setting everyone up for disappointment, frustration, hurt, anger, and resentment - specially
if they accept the responsibility! When such
acceptance is chronic or excessive, can be a sign of the toxic con-dition of
codependence
- relationship addiction. That' a symptom of psychological
wounds
and
unawareness.
Another implication - adults are responsible for helping minor
kids learn gradually to take full respon-sibility for...
identifying and filling their own
primary needs
(above), and for...
asking for help in filling them when they
need it - without excessive guilt, shame,
or anxiety.
Are you doing that for any
young people in your life? Did your caregivers do that for you?
Has anyone?
This Web site proposes that all normal
personalities
are composed of a
group
of talented, dynamic subselves, like players on an athletic team or
orchestra. Subselves who control persons (like you) instinctively prioritize
their and each other's needs. This inevitably creates fluctuating
internal and social conflicts (need-clashes).
A vital
human-relations skill is learning how to objectively
dig down below your surface aware-ness to
(a) discern your current mix
of primary
needs (above), and then accept responsibility for filling them. Do you do
this with your significant problems? Are you teaching your kids to do
so?
For perspective, read these
examples of digging down. Then think of a current
problem (discomfort) you have with an adult or child, and
dig down to see what each of you really needs. Try it!
To further appreciate the dynamic array of simultaneous needs we
ceaselessly try to satisfy, review these...
You're more likely to appreciate
these ideas if you try them. Here's an interesting way to do that...
Recall -
needs are emotional, spiritual,
and/or sensory discomforts
Adopt the
open mind of a student, and choose ~30" of undistracted time.
Check to see if your
true Self
is
guiding
your personality (other subselves). If not, try to discern which
other subselves are, and why they distrust your Self.
Breathe
well, let go of other concerns for now, and draw a vertical line
dividing a sheet of paper into two columns.
Reflect on
your current life and relationships, and finish this sentence out loud:
"Right now, I need ____." Don't edit or compute - write
any specific needs that come to mind in the left column of your paper.
Then repeat
this, and write down the next need. Repeat this until you "run dry,"
Notice how you feel declaring your needs - calm, anxious, guilty,
scornful... ? Do you allow yourself to be needy? If not, where
did you get that toxic attitude?
Look at
your list, and notice your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Option
- rank each of your needs from one (most important) to three (least
important).
Focus on
one need at a time, and dig down to uncover the primary
need/s "underneath" each one. There are probably
several of them. Write them down in the right
column of your paper without editing.
Do this for
several or all of your needs, noticing your thoughts and feelings as you
do. Take your time!
When you
feel finished, try saying (the first (surface) need out loud. Then say
something like "No, what I really need is (the primary need/s)"
Recall that
problem solving
and conflict resolution are about identifying and filling your and a
partner's current primary needs "well enough."
Take each
primary need you've identified and ask yourself"What
do I need - specifically - to reduce this
discomfort well enough?"
Notice any
patterns that may emerge in your answers - e.g. "I need more self
confidence or re-spect," or "I need to feel more comfortable asserting my
needs to (who?)." If a primary need is something tangible (e.g. "I need
a good DVD player"), dig further. They're usually surface needs.
Option
- do this exercise with a partner, and
discuss the process and your learnings together.
Review the
summary of common primary needs above,
and see if you need to amend any of yours in the right column of your
paper.
Option
- do this exercise several times in the next week when you're not
distracted, and see what you learn.
Consider
making this a family exercise - e.g. at meal time or afterward.
Notice how seldom adults and kids are
aware
of (a) surface and primary needs, and (b) their current primary needs in
important relationships and situations.
Consider
journaling
about your experience and learnings from this exercise, and then read it
several weeks from now.
Notice what
you're thinking and feeling about identifying surface and primary needs.
Then...
The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/relate/key/needs.htm
Premises