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This is one of a series of articles in Lesson 4 - choose and evolve
nourishing relationships. These articles build on Lessons 1 - 3, and prepare
you for Lesson 5 (evolve and enjoy a nourishing family) and Lesson 6 (learn
to practice effective parenting).
This article assumes you're familiar with...
the intro to this nonprofit Web site and the
premises
underlying it.
All
relationships create conflicts or problems - clashing
values, perceptions,
needs, and
prefer-ences. This article
proposes a set of premises to help solving any relationship problem.
I offer them to help you clarify what you believe. Your
beliefs shape how well you're able to resolve the relationship problems you
encounter.
Premises About Relationship Problems
Circle which of these applies to each premise: A = "I
agree," D = "I disagree," and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends" (on
what?)
Premise 1: Regardless of age, gender, and setting,
mutually-satisfying
relationships usually have most of these
four sets
of ingredients. Missing ingredients cause "problems." (A D ?)
Premise 2:
The
word problem means "one or more
unmet needs." A need
is a significant physical, mental, psychological, or spiritual discomfort. Neediness
is normal, not a "weakness."(A D
?)
Premise 3: Needs
vary from superficial ("I need the car now") to primary
("I need reliable, accessible transport, and security.") When people focus on surface needs and
ignore the primary needs that cause them, "problem-solving" is temporary at
best. Once aware of need-levels, anyone can learn to identify primary needs
using awareness and dig-down skills in Lesson 2. (A D ?)
Premise 4: all human
interactions are caused by each person trying to fill their
current
primary needs well enough. So
solving
your relationship problems hinges on
all involved people wanting to
identify and fill their current
primary
(vs. surface or secondary) needs. (A D ?)
Premise 5:Most social frustrations, conflicts, and divorces
happen because partners (i.e. their ruling
subselves) (a) don't
identify and own their primary needs, and (b) don't genuinely rank their
and other people's needs and dignity as equally important and valid. (A D ?)
Premise
6:Healthy adults are
responsible
for filling their own primary needs!If you are able-bodied and mentally healthy, and you expect your partner, a child,
or others to regularly fill your needs, you're invi-ting disappointment, frustration, hurt, anger, and resentment. This
is specially true if the others accept the responsibility!
(A D ?)
Premise 7:
If you regularly accept responsibility for filling another competent adult's
needs, you are en-ablingthem (blocking their growth) and
encouraging a dependent relationship. Enabling (vs. empowering) someone is inherently
disrespectful. (A D ?)
Premise 8:Needs can conflict
between our personality
subselves, causing "ambivalence," "uncertainty," and "confusion."One subself may
need their host person to act (thought stream: "Come on,
pick up the phone and call!"),and one or more other
subselves may urge "No, no! You'll probably get lectured at and rejected
again,
which will hurt. Don'tcall!"
These inner clashes are so common we're
often not aware of them. (A D ?) Lesson 1 offers a
way to reduce inner conflicts effectively.
Premise 9: People who focus
on resolving
internal conflicts (among
their personality subselves)
first are best able to resolve interpersonal problems because
they minimize confusing contradictions,
double mes-sages,
and ambivalences.
(A
D ?) If you
agree, is that what you usually do?
Premise 10: A
relationship problem between
two people can really be a cluster of concurrent
internal and mutual conflicts:
For
example: if Jack says "You never listen to me" and Jill dutifully or
anxiously tries to improve her listening,
Jack may stay dissatisfied because his
unspoken primary need is to feel more valued and re-spected by Jill. That would take spontaneous (vs.
requested or demanded) new behaviors from Jill. It also might take Jack
reducing his old
shame wound
("insecurity"),
which has nothing to do with Jill.
(A D ?)
Recall - these premises offer a foundation of solving relationship
problems effectively. How do they compare to your beliefs so far? Here are
more...
Premise 11:Internal and social relationship problems often involve a stressful dynamic
described by Dr. Steven Karpman in 1968 asPersecutor - Victim
- Rescuer (PVR)
triangling. Problems between two people (or subselves) often involve a third
person in a way that keeps the problem going.
Avoiding and dissolving stressful triangles requires the seven
communication
skills
in Lesson 2.
(A D ?)
Premise 12:PVR triangles are often (a) caused by
values conflicts,
and (b) may create or amplify
loyalty conflicts.
These three stressors often occur together in any human group. They're
specially common in low-nurturance (dysfunctional), divorcing, and step-
families. Few adults are aware of these three stressors or what to do about them. (A D
?)
Premise 13:
relationships can be...
interdependent,where both partners genuinely feel "I choose to be with
you, and I can live well enough without you if I must."
Social surveys steadily report this feels best,
and lasts the longest, or...
codependent or enmeshed, where one or both partners give their power and
personal re-sponsibility to the other, believing "I can't live without you." Such
people are usually
woun-ded,
and will experience significant relationship "problems" until they
commit to personal
wound-recovery; or
relationships are...
independent, where neither partner really needs much from the other, and
has a weak or no emotional/spiritual
bond with them.
They may pretend otherwise to themselves and other people.
The quality of childhood
nurturance and the mix of each person's dominant subselves determines which
type of relationship they (you) usually form. (A D
?)
Premise 14:Without
personal
and
process
awareness, most of us try
to fill our needs by...
fighting and arguing (about who's wrong,
and/or whose needs come first);
projecting, repressing,
minimizing, and numbing;
intellectualizing,
over-analyzing, discounting, and/or ignoring
emotional and spiritual needs;
threatening, controlling,
and manipulating (my
current needs outrank yours),and...
avoiding,
postponing,
defocusing, denying,
and/or withdrawing emotionally or physically.
None of these strategies fill
adults' and kids'
primary needs well enough.
People who
use them are unaware and oftenwounded, notbad,
childish,selfish,
or stupid!
(A D ?) This is why family
Lesson 1 (discerning and reducing false-self wounds) is
essential for effective
relationship problem-solving.
Premise 15: When
based on genuine
mutual respect, seven
communication skills can empower any adult or
child led by their
true Self
to
analyze and resolve their innerpersonal and interpersonal prob-lems (need conflicts)
well enough. Few parents or schools teach all these skills,
so
your family mem-bers probably need to learn them together. (A
D ?)
See
Lesson 2.
Who's responsible
in your family for learning and teaching effective-communication skills?
Before reading further, pause and identify several "relationship problems"
you have at home, socially, or at work or school. Keep them in mind as you
read...
Let's put these premises to work. Resolving any relationship "problem" (need-conflict) between subselves
and/or people includes specific proactive steps. The first steps
aim to answer six questions:
"Is my true Self (capital
"S")
guiding
me now?" If not, make
achieving that
your first goal.
Accept that
you are responsible for deciding what you need and
asserting respectfully to get it.
If you can't accept that, suspect that a false self controls you.
Use
this framework to analyze what is
the problem - for whom?
Be
aware
of thinking or saying that "this problem is a
crisis / disaster / catastrophe." These are emotionally
explosive terms that can scare your subselves and other people, and
pro-mote impulsive (unwise) reactions.
Make (vs. "find")
undistracted time to work on the problem alone and with others involved.
Grow and use
a Personal Bill of Rights to help, and affirm
others' equal rights.
Shame-based (wounded) people have major trouble
with this until they commit to true (vs. pseudo) wound-
recovery.
Accept that
your opinions, values,
rights, and needs are just as legitimate and
important as anyone else's, regardless of age, role, race, faith, or gender.
Help everyone
accept that being needy
(wanting to reduce current discomforts) is
normal and healthy,
not weak
orshameful!
That includes needing and accepting help,
as long as you are
mentally and physically able, and
you don't expect or demand that someone else be responsible for filling your needs!
Note that trying to help someone
who doesn't want help is really about your
needs, and is inherently disrespectful.
Help each other accept that
conflicts among subselves and people, and the emotions that go with
them, are normal and potentially healthy, not inherently negative, wrong,
or bad!
Accept that
all
emotions are useful pointers to unfilled needs. Emotions are natural and
neutral. How our subselves express or act on emotions can
be positive or negative.
Focus on identifying unmet
primary (vs. surface) needs,
vs. who's
wrong or at fault (blaming and defending).
Criticizing, minimizing, denying, and defending
hinder effective problem-solving, and suggest false-self control.
Use this table and cooperative
digging-down to
help identify your and your partner's primary
needs:
Stay
aware of your problem-solving
process, and help each other learn and use all seven
communication skills
with patience
and
mutual respect.
Identify simultaneous
need-con-flicts, separate and rank them, and work on one at a time.
The alternative is "riding off in all directions" and not filling each
person's needs. Use the
resources in
Lesson 2 and its
guidebook to patiently strengthen the effectiveness of your
thinking and
communicating.
Aim for good-enough compromises
and solutions rather than perfection, "winning," or being right.
Help each other brainstorm
viable solutions, vs.
doing black-white, either-or thinking.
There are always more
than two options!
Help each other stay focused
on identifying and filling current primary needs vs. detouring too often
into the
past or the future.
Enjoy growing the art and skill
of praising and affirming yourself and each other. Learn how to
assert dodge-proof compliments
and affirmations!
Identify what
problem-solving techniques (e.g. these) consistently work for you as a person and as a family. Then
help each other do
more of them. Help each other stay aware of your
process! This minimizes having
how you communicate becoming the problem
If you or another
person feel stuck
in resolving a mutual dispute,
review the options above
as teammates, not opponents;
review
these common communication-blocks
and tips together. They apply equally to
dialogs among your subselves and with other people; and...
Periodically review
these communication basics together, and
help each other improve your seven communication
skills.
Reality-check your
expectations
of yourself and each other. Your problem-partners may not be able or willing to
fill your
expectations.
Review these effective problem-solving
steps. and read these
examples of problem-solving.
Then learn from this conflict-resolution
inventory.
Recap
This article offers a
set of
premises about relationships, and options for solving inevitable relationship problems
(conflicting personal and mutual needs). Mull and discuss these premises with the key people in
your life, toward clarifying what you each believe.
Your beliefs will inexorably shape how effectively you resolve your
conflicts (fill your respective needs) together.
Option - print and place your version of these premises
and options where you can access them easily. With
specially difficult problems, read them out loud to each other...
+ + +
Pause, breathe well, and reflect... What are you thinking and feeling now?
Recall why you read this. Did you get what you needed? If not - what
do you need now?
Who's
answering these questions - your wise resident
true Self, or
''someone else''?
The Web address of this
article is http://sfhelp.org/relate/keys/premises.htm
Premises About Relationship Problems