Premises About
Relationship "Problems"

       For example: if Jack says "You never listen to me" and Jill dutifully or anxiously tries to improve her listening, Jack may stay dissatisfied because his unspoken primary need is to feel more valued and respected by Jill. That would take spontaneous (vs. requested or demanded) new behaviors from Jill. It also might take Jack reducing his old shame wound ("insecurity"), which has nothing to do with Jill. (A  D  ?)

    11) Internal and social relationship problems often involve a stressful dynamic described by Dr. Steven Karpmann in 1968 as Persecutor - Victim - Rescuer (PVR) triangling. Problems between two people (or subselves) often involve a third person in a way that keeps the problem going. Avoiding and dissolving stressful triangles requires the seven communication skills in Lesson 2. (A  D  ?)

    12) PVR triangles are often (a) caused by values conflicts, and (b) may create or amplify loyalty conflicts. These three stressors often occur together in any human group. They're specially common in low-nurturance (dysfunctional), divorcing, and step families. Few adults are aware of these three stressors or what to do about them. (A  D  ?) 

    13): relationships can be...

interdependent, where both partners genuinely feel "I choose to be with you, and I can live well enough without you if I must." Social surveys steadily report this feels best, and lasts the longest, or...

codependent or enmeshed, where one or both partners give their power and personal responsibility to the other, believing "I can't live without you." Such people are usually wounded, and will experience significant relationship "problems" until they commit to personal wound-recovery;

    or relationships are...

independent, where neither partner really needs much from the other, and has a weak or no emotional/spiritual bond with them. They may pretend otherwise to themselves and/orother people.

The level of childhood nurturance (low > high) and the mix of each person's dominant subselves determines which type of relationship they (you) usually form. (A  D  ?)

14) Without personal and process awareness, most of us try to fill our needs by...

• fighting and arguing (about who's wrong, and/or whose needs come first);

• projecting, repressing, minimizing, and numbing;

• intellectualizing, over-analyzing, discounting, and/or ignoring emotional and spiritual needs;

• threatening, controlling, and manipulating (my current needs outrank yours), and...

• avoiding, postponing, defocusing, denying, and/or withdrawing emotionally or physically.

None of these strategies fill adults' and kids' primary needs well enough. People who use them are unaware and often wounded, not bad, childish, selfish, arrogant, or stupid! (A  D  ?) This is why family Lesson 1 (identify and reduce psychological wounds) is essential for effective relationship problem-solving.

Premise 15: When based on genuine mutual respect, seven communication skills can empower any adult or child led by their true Self to analyze and resolve their innerpersonal and interpersonal problems (need conflicts) well enough. Few parents or schools teach all these skills, so your family members probably need to learn them together.  (A  D  ?) See Lesson 2.

        Who's responsible in your family for learning, modeling, and teaching effective-communication skills?

        Before reading further, pause and identify several "relationship problems" you have at home, work, school, or socially. Keep them in mind as you read...

        Let's put these premises to work. Resolving any relationship "problem" (need-conflicts) between subselves and people involves specific proactive steps. The first steps aim to answer six questions:

• "Is my true Self (capital "S") guiding me now?" If not, make achieving that your first goal.

• "Is your Self guiding you now?" If not, see this after you finish here.

• "What do I really need now?"

• "What do you really need now?",

• "Do you and I see each other's needs as equally important now?", and...

• "What - if anything - blocks filling our respective needs well enough now?"

        Learn something about yourself from this anonymous 1-question poll.

  Problem-solving Options

Commit to mastering (at least) self-improvement Lessons 1 thru 4. Test your knowledge with these quizzes.

Accept that you are responsible for deciding what you need, and asserting respectfully to get it. If you can't accept that, suspect that a well-meaning false self controls you.

Use this framework to analyze what is the problem - for whom?

Be aware of thinking or saying that "this problem is a crisis / disaster / catastrophe." These are emotionally explosive terms that can scare your subselves and other people, and promote impulsive (unwise) reactions.

Make (vs. "find") undistracted time to work on the problem alone and with others involved.

Grow and use a Personal Bill of Rights to help, and affirm others' equal rights. Shame-based (wounded) people have major trouble with this until they commit to true (vs. pseudo) wound- recovery.

Accept that your opinions, values, rights, and needs are just as legitimate and important as anyone else's, regardless of age, role, race, faith, or gender.

Help everyone accept that being needy (wanting to reduce current  discomforts) is normal and healthy, not weak or shameful! That includes needing and accepting help, as long as you are mentally and physically able, and you don't expect or demand that someone else be responsible for filling your needs!

Note that trying to help someone who doesn't want help is really about your needs, and is inherently disrespectful.

Help each other accept that conflicts among subselves and people, and the emotions that go with them, are normal and potentially healthy, not inherently negative, wrong, or bad!

Accept that all emotions are useful pointers to unfilled needs. Emotions are natural and neutral, not "negative" or "positive.". How our subselves express or act on emotions can be positive or negative.

Focus on identifying unmet primary (vs. surface) needs, vs. who's wrong or at fault (blaming and defending). Criticizing, minimizing, denying, and defending hinder effective problem-solving, and suggest false-self control. Use this table and cooperative digging-down to help identify your and your partner's primary needs:

Stay aware of your problem-solving  process, and help each other learn and use all seven communication skills with patience and mutual respect. Identify simultaneous need-con-flicts, separate and rank them, and work on one at a time.

       The alternative is "riding off in all directions" and not filling each person's needs. Use the resources in Lesson 2 and its guidebook to patiently strengthen the effectiveness of your thinking and communicating.

        More guidelines for resolving any relationship problem...

In important situations, practice objectively noticing your and your communication partners' E(motion)-levels, R(espect)-messages, and awareness bubbles.

Aim for good-enough compromises and solutions rather than perfection, "winning," or being right.

Help each other brainstorm viable solutions, vs. doing black-white, either-or thinking. There are always more than two options!

Help each other stay focused on identifying and filling current primary needs vs. detouring too often into the past or the future.

Enjoy growing the art and skill of praising and affirming yourself and each other. Learn how to assert dodge-proof compliments and affirmations!

Identify what problem-solving techniques (e.g. these) consistently work for you as a person and as a family. Then help each other do more of them. Help each other stay aware of your process! This minimizes having how you communicate becoming the problem

If you or another person feel stuck in resolving a mutual dispute,

• review the options above as teammates, not opponents;

• review these common communication-blocks and tips together. They apply equally to dialogs among your subselves and with other people; and...

• Periodically review these communication basics together, and help each other improve your seven communication skills.  

Reality-check your expectations of yourself and each other. Your problem-partners may not be able or willing to fill your expectations.

Check to see that you partners are each able to spot and resolve values and loyalty conflicts, and associated relationship triangles.

Review these effective problem-solving steps. and read these examples of problem-solving. Then learn from this conflict-resolution inventory.

 Recap 

        This article offers (a) a set of premises about relationships, and (b) practical options for solving inevitable relationship problems (conflicting personal and mutual needs). Mull and discuss these premises with the key people in your life, toward clarifying what you each believe. Your beliefs will inexorably shape how effectively you resolve your conflicts (fill your respective needs) together.

        Option - print and place your version of these premises and options where you can access them easily. With specially difficult problems, read them out loud to each other...

        Pause, breathe well, and reflect - What are you thinking and feeling now? Recall why you read this. Did you get what you needed? If not - what do you need now? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident true Self, or ''someone else''?

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Updated  April 30, 2013