The Web
address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/relate/keys/requisites.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your browser's
popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit, ad-free Web site. If
your playback device doesn't support Javascript, the popups may not display.
This is one of a series of articles on Lesson 4 - optimize your relationships. These articles build on Lessons 1 - 3, and prepare
you for Lesson 5 (evolve and enjoy a nourishing family) and Lesson 6 (learn
to practice effective parenting).
This brief YouTube video clip previews what you'll find below:
From
over 50 adult years on Earth and
33 years' experience as a family-systems
therapist, I propose necessary ingredients for mutually-satisfying relationships.
Use it as a checklist to assess the quality of key relationships in your
life - including with a Supreme Being, and among the dynamic subselves that make up your personality.
This article assumes you're familiar with...
the intro
this nonprofit Web site and the to basic premises
underlying it
common barriers
to satisfying interpersonal relationships.
Relationships 101
We humans are social critters.
Well-nurtured adults and kids
instinctively form minor to primary
bonds - emotional attachments
-
with other living things, starting with early
caregivers. Relationships form spontaneously between people to fill
each person's array of
primary needs.
Your
relationships are governed by your and your partner's
personalities, needs, and
circumstances. They range between...
chosen to required - e.g. relationships with
neighbors and coworkers;
nurturing
need-filling and growth-promoting) to toxic
(wounding);
symmetrical (balanced) to unsymmetrical;
genuine to pseudo;
independent to interdependent to dependent
to codependent
(addictive);
primary to secondary to superficial;
intimate to platonic to impersonal;
temporary to long-term; and..
proactive (intentional, conscious) to reactive (passive,
unconscious).
All relationships have common and unique requisites, depending on the mix of
these factors. If you become
aware of the factors that
shape the quality of your key relationships (below), you can (a)choose more
compatible people, and (b) identify and negotiate
missing relationship ingredients with receptive partners. You can also (c) teach
your kids this priceless knowledge!
Premises
See how you feel about these proposals:
Each partner can
control or acquire
some
relationship-requisites (below) and not others. All four sets of factors
must be present "often enough," as judged by each partner for an
enduring, mutually-satisfying relationship.
A core requisite for any healthy relationship is that
each person's
personality is often
led by their resident
true Self.
Most personal and social "problems" strongly suggest that the people involved are
dominated by false selves, and don't know that or how to reduce it. The
Lesson-1 Web pages and
related guidebook
Who's Really Running Your Life?offer perspective, answers, options, and resources.
Mostcore relationship ingredients
(below) come
from a
high-nurturance
childhood. Once aware
of them, adults guided by their
true Selves can cultivate these factors
in their homes and family.
Courtship neediness, idealisms, and excitement are apt to
distort your clear,
subjective assessment of these relationship ingredients with a prospective
partner and their family. Over half of typical marrying Americans eventually decide that they
committed to the wrong
people, for the wrong
reasons, at the wrong
time.
The presence or absence
of the factors below form a rough indicator of the
potential
wholistic health of your relationship with each child and
adult in your life. They also provide a way of
identifying specific factors that could improve your relationships over time.
Once aware, motivated,
Self-led, and
self-responsible, your family
members can help each other
identify
and develop
missing or weak relationship ingredients. How open is each adult and child
in your family to doing that now?
Ingredients
of a High-nurturance Relationship
Read this diagram from the bottom up.
Check each
item you feel you and/or a relationship partner have enough of or
are intentionally working toward. This is about what is, not about
anyone being good or bad, or right or wrong!
Option - think of an
important relationship with an adult or child in your life, and see how any
of these ingredients you two people have or had.
self-improvement Lessons 1 thru 4 here
offer more perspective and ideas on how to achieve mutually-satisfying
relationships with yourself, other people, and a
Higher Power.
Steady mutual honesty and
trusts
+
"Enough" shared interests
+
Stable self and mutual respect
+
Compatible-enough core beliefs,
values, and
priorities
+
Enough time to communicate, share, and problem-solve together
+
Ability
to flex between
focusing on my needs, your needs, and ourneeds
Enough current securities, including social
supports
An emerging life purpose
Courage to
risk and "fail"
Basic social knowledge and
skills
Clear identity and personal
boundaries
Genuine inner permission
to grieve life losses
Genuine ability to bond
with others
Enough Self trust
Genuine self respect.
love, and integrity
Self and
spiritual awareness
A harmonious inner family of
subselves (personality),usually led by your true Self
3) YOUR
RELATIONSHIP PARTNER
1) A safe, stable environment: no natural and/or human
disasters now or likely, and enough
physical comforts
consistently available now and the near future
Note your reaction to seeing all these ingredients at once. Does this raise
your appreciation for how rare mutually-fulfilling relationships are?
Reality Check: Reflect on
your most satisfying, nourishing relationships. Were most or all of these four
sets of ingredients consistently present? Now think of past or present
relationships that cause you and/or someone
significant stress. How many of these ingredients were missing
"too much, too often" in your opinion?
How does this four-factor concept compare
with how you've always thought of a "healthy relationship"?
Keep your
version of this concept
in mind as your family members tackle any relationship problems in your daily family
and social
life.
Notes / Thoughts
Some things I need to do now are...
Recap
This Lesson-4 article proposes key premises about a high-nurturance
(need-fulfilling) relationship between any two people. It builds on these
premises to propose four sets of requisites that partners can
evolve and help each other maintain over time.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
do
you need? Who's
answering
these questions - your
true Self,
or
''someone else''?
For more perspective, explore these
resources after you finish this:...
See how these
ideas about analyzing and
resolving relationship problems compare to your beliefs;
Consider these suggestions for...
improving communication outcomes with typical
adults and kids,
and...
The Web
address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/relate/keys/requisites.htm
Relationships 101
4) US
A
harmonious
