The Web
address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/relate/keys/respect.htm
Continued
from page 1...
Recall - we're reviewing practical ways you can improve your
self-esteem, pride, and self love with-out becoming egotistical.
Option
5) Identify and validate your
personal Bill of Rights. Stay aware of how
calmly asserting
your rights and limits without guilt nourishes your integrity
and self respect. Typical kids raised in low nurturance environments learn to devalue or ignore their personal rights, and/or to
assert them timidly with lots of anxiety and guilt.
Does that describe you as a child (or now)? Is each young person in your
life learning their personal rights and how to assert them effectively now?
Exercise - try slowly reading the sample Bill (link above) out loud when
you're not distracted. No-tice your "inner voices" (thought streams) as you
do, and try to identify which subselves are "speaking." If you hear "Yes,
but..." or similar with some Rights, you'll need to persuade each
subself to
change their attitudes for their common good.
Check each subself to see if it's
living in some past time, and invite any you find to
live with all your parts in
the present. That can help them release self-limiting expectations.
6)
Review (a) your expectations
(shoulds, musts, have-to's, ought-to's and cannots) of yourself,
and (b) patiently identify where you got each of them - a parent, hero/ine,
teacher, church, or someone else.
Typical unaware GWCs bring the expectations of some childhood grownups into
adulthood. Until some trauma occurs, we seldom question and update our
largely-unconscious old expectations of our-selves. This promotes routine
self-criticism,
guilts, and more shame. Use these ageless
for daily inspiration.
Option 7)
When your Self guides you,
identify your specific
criteria for awarding self-respect, and commit to achieving more of
them more often. Meditate and/or journal to
identify the standards
your sub-selves use to decide whether your values, thoughts, and actions merit self-approval.
Examples:
"I respect myself when I have the courage to overcome my
doubts and fears, and risk painful failure, conflict, and rejection by
confronting some scary person or challenge."
“I feel really good about myself when I
consistently fulfill my
responsibilities to others and myself thoroughly, honestly, to the best of
my abilities.”
“I appreciate the way I creatively balance work, play,
and rest most days, and take con-sistent care of my health and security in
effective ways.”
"I'm pleased with myself when I use my talents to benefit
other people, without getting egotistical, self-neglectful, or codependent." And...
"I like being Me most when I 'walk my talk' – i.e. when I
act on my beliefs and values (integrity) even if it upsets other people and
risks their disapproval and rejection."
Once you identify your criteria, your Self will naturally
choose to do more of them. Can you imagine being your own best
cheerleader without feeling weird, guilty, or anxious?
As
your do this, expect "resistance" from your Perfectionist,
Critic, and Worrier subselves. They need to grow trust your Self, other
and your
Higher Power to keep your
safe and healthy.
Option 8)
Examine your attitude
about pride (self-acceptance and
approval). If you were taught “Pride is a sin” and/or “Pride goeth
before a fall,” rethink whether those definitions help you now.
Egotism
is feeling “I’m a better person than you are. My needs, opinions, and talents
are worth more than yours.”
| Non-egotistical pride is feeling the same
appreciation and honor for yourself and your achieve-ments that you do for
other people. Do you agree? Would your childhood caregivers agree?
Option: negotiate an “attitude adjustment” with your
Inner Critic
and Perfectionist about
this belief. |
9)
Stay clear on the
difference between being Self-ish (attending your own needs and welfare while staying aware of others’ equal needs)
and
selfish
– seeking your own comfort without caring about
other peoples’ needs or feelings.
10) Teach your
subselves to
balance short-term gratification and long-term satisfactions.
Put a
of this balance where you can see it, until it
becomes a habit. If Inner Kids and their Guardian subselves control your personality, they’ll usually opt for short-term
comfort. That promotes guilt,
shame, future remorse, - and self disrespect.
More
options
toward raising your self-respect...
11) Evaluate
your recent decisions and behaviors each day or week. Give yourself an
empathic self respect report card in normal and special situations.
This will get easier as you work to adjust and syn-chronize the inner-family roles of your Inner Critic, Perfectionist,
Idealist/Optimist, Catastrophizer, and
Cynic/Doubter.
Note the difference between
affirmation (“I appreciate
things about myself non-egotis-tically”)
and
bragging (“I’m better than
other people because…”).
Option 12) Intentionally choose an
attitude like “Mistakes
and failures
do not define my worth. They usually are my best decision and effort at the
time. They're valuable chances for me to learn about myself in the world.”
If some subselves oppose this, ask what they’re afraid of and proactively work to
re-duce their fears.
13)
In confusing or scary situations, authorize yourself to stop the action without
guilt, and clarify "What do I need in this situation to earn my own
respect?" Variation: clarify your definition of “personal integrity”
(can you define that now?) Then in dilemmas, ask “Which option fits my integrity best?”
Repeat this over time, and enjoy having it become a habit.
Option 14)
Distinguish
between
guilt (I
do bad things) and
shame (I am a bad thing). They’re healed differently. Evolve a conscious
strategy to avoid and heal guilts and
shame, and coach yourself to use it everyday. This
is a key part of true recovery from false-self dominance (Lesson 1), and requires
your Self to steadily lead your other personality subselves.
15) Read and apply books
like Nathaniel Branden’s
“The Six Pillars of Self Esteem;” John Brad-shaw’s
“Healing
the Shame That Binds You;” and Hal and Sidra Stone’s “Embracing
Your Inner Critic.” There are many others.
16) Identify recurring memories
that tend to renew your guilt and shame over past behaviors and decisions.
(“Every time I think of having the
affair I feel awful!”)
Use
or equivalent to
forgive yourself for these, and let
them go. If useful and safe enough, apologize to people whom you feel were
hurt by your behaviors. Do this to free yourself, not to make them feel better.
17)
Stay alert for
situations and relationships that promote shame and guilt, and avoid them
without guilt, shame, or anxiety. This is self nurturance, not cowardice!
Alternative: In such situations...
-
keep your
Self in charge,
-
assert firm
limits with
your Inner Critic, Idealist, and Perfectionist; and...
-
connect your
Shamed
Child with your
Nurturer (Loving Parent) subself or equivalent.
18) If
you care for children, reflect on what you're teaching them about
respecting themselves, and how you're teaching them. Are you
guiding them to moderate their self-criticism and perfectionism, and to
appreciate themselves when merited without false humility? Are they able to
receive compliments grace-fully without self-discounts ("Ah, anyone coulda
done that.")
19) As you gradually
reduce your wounds and gain genuine self respect, affectionately teach your
energetic Perfectionist, Critic, Achiever, and Impatient
subselves to adopt a motto like "Progress, not
Perfection."
Option
20) Clarify
what "love" means to you, and meditate on how self-respect and
relate to each other. Give your subselves steady encouragement to
love themselves as much as other key peo-ple in your life.
Use these
self-respect options as
guides and idea-sparkers, not absolutes. Sense their theme, and trust your creativity!
Pause, breathe, and reflect. Do each of these self-respect options make
sense to you? Do they seem do-able? Does it seem credible that progress on
each of them will make the others easier? Practicing options like these
promotes effective wound-reduction and more satisfying relation-ships.
| Building and maintaining your self respect and integrity is
probably the second most impactful goal you can work toward to maintain
serenity, wholistic health, and a high-nurturance family. The
first goal is
to guide your personality
subselves. How much
priority have you given these
targets recently? |
Now let's focus on your options for...
Improving
Respect for Someone Else
Have you ever lost respect for an adult or child? If so, did you just
accept that, or try to regain your respect for them? How can
you do that? First, admit (vs. numb, deny, minimize, or
rationalize) that...
-
you've lost significant respect for
the other person, and admit...
-
how that loss affects your
relationship with important adults and kids.
Option 2) Familiarize
yourself with these ideas about personality subselves and false-self
wounds.
Then assess yourself and the other person for "significant wounds."
Significant is a subjective
judgment. The following assumes your true Self
usually
your personality. If not, you have bigger problems than gaining
respect for the other person. See
3)
Choose a
long-range viewpoint, and an attitude like
"These steps will protect my integrity
and may help our relationship."
4)
Review or draft
your
Personal Bill of Rights. You
have the right to choose your own criteria for awarding respect to
other people. Unaware people often live blindly by others' criteria -
e.g. "(You must) honor (respect) thy father and thy
mother," and "(You must) always respect God,
clergy, doctors, police, and authorities." If you disagree with this or feel ambivalent,
suspect that a false self controls you.
5) Identify
your judgment criteria.
Think of several people you solidly respect (including yourself?). List the
specific things about their attitudes and actions that earn your approval and
admiration. Look for patterns. It may help if these people are the same gender
as your disrespected person.
6) Using your respect criteria,
to clarify specifically what you
need from
the other person to gain respect for them.
Recall -
we're reviewing options for improving your respect of another person...
7) Review your expectations of the other person. If s/he is
significantly wounded, unaware, and in protective denial,
s/he may not be able to meet
your expectations as a person, wo/man, or in some role. If so,
respect the things s/he can achieve, and shift your disrespect toward
compassion. This doesn't mean you must endure disrespectful or harmful
behavior from the person.
If
you're in a stepfamily, you probably believe some of over 60 common
myths which may be wrong-fully corroding your respect. For example, it’s
unrealistic to expect a stepparent to “be an adult” and ig-nore the pain of
being disrespected, rejected, or used by a stepchild.
Study and apply Lesson 7.
8)
Study
and practice these
communication
including
how to
give con-structive feedback. Meditate on
how your disrespect for the person
in your behaviors, and identify
specifically how that may be affecting her or him. Option - ask the
person directly.
9) Guard
against repressing your needs for fear of conflict and/or "hurting her/his
feelings." Doing this is often
not "thoughtfulness." View respectful
feedback to the person as a well-meant gift, even if it causes
discomfort. If s/he is an adult, s/he is responsible for managing his or her feelings
(needs), and you are responsible for yours. Do you agree?
10) List
specific traits
you genuinely like and appreciate about the person - e.g. honesty, humor,
persistence, creativity... Then identify other traits that lower your
respect for him or her, like indecisive-ness, inconsistency, lying, avoiding,
timidity, name-calling, poor hygiene, etc.
Beware of making black-white judgments and generalities - e.g. "All liars
are bad people."
Stay clear on what
and
are. Your disrespect may promote other relationship problems.
Option 11) If you're recovering from
your own wounds tell the other person informationally, vs. per-suasively.
Two
recovering people may forge deep, fulfilling
relationships as they heal! Whether you do this or not, consider using
respectful
to assert...
the specific behaviors that diminish your respect for
the other person,
how each
behavior effects you directly and indirectly; and…
what specific changes you need her or him to
want to
make, to re/build your respect.
And
avoid...
-
labels ("I
disrespect you because you're an inconsiderate, insensitive slob!"),
-
generalizing ("You
always / never..."); and...
-
name-calling like ("you
jerk / moron / loser / idiot /...".
You're
offering information and an invitation to improve your mutual
relationship satisfaction. If the other person mistakes that for an attack, that's a sign of
a
shame-based false self and
reality distortion. These are not your responsibility!
Before asserting...
-
ensure your
Self is
your other subselves, and...
-
in important situations, guess the person's response to each of your assertions.
Practice responding to any
resistances:
-
use
mutually-respectful
("So you feel I'm being
oversensitive and unfair."); then...
-
stay focused, and...
-
re-assert your
respect-building needs, without defense, explanation, or counterattack, with
steady eye contact.
Pick an undistracted time and
place, and assert your perceptions and needs calmly and briefly. Al-lot plenty of time for
interaction. Because communication is cause-and-effect,
ask if there's something you do that promotes the
behaviors that cause your disrespect. Then listen, and be open
to
win-win prob-lem solving.
Option: as co-explorers,
your shared interactions that lead up to
such a behavior.
Examples:
"Sometimes I shade the truth with you because if
I tell my truth, you usually criticize or dis-parage me and my feelings."
"I
agree with some of your demands just to shut you up. Then you get all
steamed when I 'don't follow through, and you tell me you lose respect for me.
I'd follow through more often if we could
problem-solve instead of
you nagging and harping so much. I don't like conflict!”
Pause, breathe, and notice what you're thinking. Think of someone you'd like
to respect more, and imagine using options like these with them. What do you
(your Self0 think might happen?
We’ve explored
building your self respect and options for re/gaining respect for
another person. What if someone's respect for you has
dwindled?
Earning Others' Respect
Think of people you're sure respect (vs. "like") you - as a person, a
wo/man, a friend, a family mem-ber, and/or in some special role. How did you
earn their admiration and value? What is it about you they respect -
specifically? Did you set out to earn their respect intentionally, or did it
occur "by itself"?
Would you agree that in most growing relationships, trust, respect,
approval, acceptance, and genu-ine interest evolve together via shared
experiences? If so - and you want to earn someone else's respect for you -
then consider these options:
-
your true Self
of your
regardless of what the other person thinks of you.
-
adopt a patient outlook. Earning genuine
respect and trust is a long-term project!
-
meditate on why you need this person
to respect you. Can you live well enough without it? Does someone else
(like a friend, parent, or mate) need you to earn the person' respect?
-
affirm or grow your
self-respect. It's
hard to admire someone who feels badly about themselves (yes?);
-
assess what
you've been broadcasting to the other person. If your false self
has projected c/overt disapproval and scorn, you may harvest the same
attitude in return.
-
assess
whether the other person is significantly
If so, the wounds and distorted percep-tions may be causing the
disrespect, not you. If so, use these wise
-
ask the person (vs. assuming) what s/he
expects of you - specifically. It's possible s/he may have unrealistic
expectations. If so, assert that reality, and then let go.
-
decide whether you need to forgive
yourself and/or the other person for some past hurts or
disap-pointments. If so, try that - and see what happens.
-
decide whether there's any value in seeking
to grow trust, approval, and
respect separately.
-
ask the person (a) what qualities s/he respects in
other people, and/or (b) specifically
what s/he needs in order to
respect you more. Then decide if you can - and want to - fill his
or her needs without losing your
-
add your own options for meriting respect...
Pause and reflect: how do you feel about what you just read? Is your
Self
or 'someone else'?
# Status Check See where you
stand on the ideas in this article: T(rue), F(alse), or "?" (I'm not
sure / I don't care).
I
have
honestly for false-self dominance, and
I am
steadily working at any
I need. (T F ?)
I believe my self
respect is currently high enough, as _ a person, _ a wo/man, _ a _____;
or I’m proactively working to raise my self respect now. (T F ?)
I'm clear enough on my criteria for
respecting myself or anyone else (T F ?)
I'm clear enough on my options for
raising my respect of another person now (T F ?)
I'm clear enough on my options for
earning someone else's respect of me now. (T F ?)
I feel a mix of calm,
centered, energized, light, focused, resilient,
up, grounded, relaxed, alert, aware, serene,
purposeful, and clear, so
my true Self is probably answering these
questions. (T F ?)
Recap
This article is one of a series on maintaining satisfying, healthy relationships. It offers...
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
