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- choose and grow nourishing relationships |
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A
Sample Personal Bill of Rights
A foundation for self and
mutual
respect
and healthy relationships
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council |
 The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/relate/keys/rights.htm
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This is one of a series of articles on Lesson 4 - choose and evolve
nourishing relationships. These articles build on Lessons 1 - 3, and prepare
you for Lesson 5 (evolve and enjoy a nourishing fam-ily) and Lesson 6 (learn
to practice effective parenting).
This article assumes you're familiar with...
 Why a
Bill of Personal Rights?
How's your self esteem and self confidence? Low >
Average > High > It
depends on _____.
Typical kids fortunate enough to grow up in a
high-nurturance environment enter adulthood with reasonably good senses of their and others'
human dignity and self worth. Typical
survivors of low-nur-turance early years often start independent living with shaky,
situational, or low senses of their own worth and integrity. Many can be
called
shame-based.
Having low self-worth has
many toxic effects. One is not being able to (a) maintain a genuine
mu-tual-respect attitude about some or all other people. Another is
having major difficulty in
validating and asserting your own needs, opinions, and boundaries with other people effectively.
Intentionally evolving a Bill of Personal Rights can help to minimize both
these handicaps - if the person has made significant progress
freeing her or his
to guide and harmonize their crew of
If
you care about someone in a
family or a stepfamily, read on. Otherwise, go
here.
Special Perspective About Stepfamilies
Typical
are
complex.
They feel very different than intact
one-home biofami-lies. Bioparents and
stepparents ("co-parents") and their
kids are all confronted with a
concurrent array of challenging personal and shared
tasks which
must be mastered over many years for personal and step-family
stability and satisfying
relationships. As
co-parents work to evolve a
high-nurturance stepfamily they can easily get overwhelmed by many
concurrent and alien
roles, relationships, and
merger-tasks.
This risk of overwhelm, confusion,
and self-doubt is
specially true for novice stepmoms and step-dads, who probably have never had to
"do" this complicated, alien family role before. It's also specially true for
shame-based
co-parents. They are
rarely used to being
aware of and living consistently from their individual rights
as a worthy, dignified person.
The complex, alien challenge of evolving
effective stepfamily child discipline forces co-parents and
kids to confront their individual values and beliefs about authority, power,
and personal rights.
Frustrated co-parents can often lose sight of minor and
grown kids' personal
rights, as well as their own. And a nor-mal part of being a dependent child is to
minimize or ignore the rights of caregivers, in the daily struggle to overcome feeling
incompetent, self-doubting, and powerless, and to gain the freedom to decide
"things" for themselves.
Stop and reflect ... has each
child in your life ever had an adult encourage them to start building a clear
sense of their own core rights as unique, worthy
persons? Did anyone do that for you as a child? If not, what
has that meant to you?
Build and
use a Bill of
Personal Rights to...
Thoughtfully evolved by their resident
and wise advisors, a declaration of personal rights can clarify and remind any
person (like you) of
their legitimate values, opinions, and needs as unique, worthy
persons.
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An
explicit, authentic Personal Bill
of Rights is one foundation for effective
assertions -
which are essential for successful problem-solving negotiations. Kids of any age can have a Bill of Personal Rights too!
Do you know anyone
that doesn't merit a declaration of personal dignity respected by you? |
Use
this sample Bill as "wet clay" from which to craft your own.
For
authenticity and effective-ness, your Bill of Personal Rights should come from
within
...
These statements
will clarify and remind me of my rights as a Natural, dignified human being. I was not
taught some of these beliefs as a child, and can strengthen my belief in them today. Affirming my
personal rights repeatedly will help free me of old inhibitions and distorted beliefs, and
empower me to be firmly assertive (vs. aggressive or submissive) with others in a clear,
positive, respectful way.
It's healthy for me to honor and respect my own
rights and
needs as much as I do those of every other person. I can
legitimately proclaim and act on these rights without
shame, guilt, or
fear in any
way that doesn’t interfere with other adults’ and kids’ equal rights.
I
need no one's permission to adopt and live from these beliefs.
No matter what my age,
experience, or situation, I am a rare, unique, human
Being - as is every other person. I bring a blend of talents, knowledge, and motives to the world like no other
living or dead person. I honor and respect my own uniqueness - and that of each other
person in my life. I claim the right to be ME, without explanation, apology, or
defense. I am responsible for being
me at all times. I
affirm others' equal right to be their own unique
(plural).
I Now
Declare My Human Right to...
1) Experience all my own emotions. They are a natural
part of being human. They include fear, sad-ness, anger, shame, uncertainty, confusion,
joy, lust, hope, pride, happiness, etc. - even "numbness." I am not bad,
weak, or wrong for feeling, and
there is no such thing as a
"negative" emotion.
2) Describe and/or express my feelings to others if and
when I choose to, without feeling obligated, guilty, or ashamed. I am
responsible for this choice but not for others' reactions.
3) Say "Yes," "No," "I can't," and "I don't know," without
undue guilt, shame, or anxiety - and to be re-sponsible
for the consequences.
4) Choose if, when, and how to meet others’
expectations of me.
if I choose not to meet them, I need not feel guilty unless I've
clearly committed to do so. I am responsible for such choices and
their conse-quences.
5) Choose my own friends and acquaintances, and
how and when to
spend time with them. I may justify these choices to others, but I don’t have
to.
6) Make my own mistakes, and learn from and profit by them if I
can.
7) Choose if, when, and how to
tell others clearly how
their actions are affecting me - and to take re-sponsibility for doing
so.
8) Earn and maintain my own
self-respect and pride, rather than depending on other people’s opinions of me.
9) Seek and accept or decline help without undue shame,
anxiety, or guilt;
10) Give others the responsibility for their own beliefs,
decisions, feelings, and thoughts, without feeling guilty, anxious, or selfish.
Feeling responsible for other able adults often burdens me, and
blocks their growing
self-confidence and
self-respect.
And I declare my personal right to ...
11)
Seek
situations, environments, and
relationships that I feel are healthy, growthful, and nurturing for me. I
may - but don't have to - explain or justify
these decisions to other people.
12) Be spontaneous, play, and have fun!
13) Develop and grow at my own pace, and in the directions I feel
are best for me. This does not mean I ignore other's similar rights or
their
well-meant counsel.
14) Appreciate my own efforts and enjoy my
achievements without guilt, anxiety, or shame.
Normal
(vs. excessive) pride is not a sin, and never was.
15) Act to fill my own wants and
needs
rather than demand or expect others
to do so for me;
16) Periods of guilt-free rest, refreshment, reflection, and relaxation.
these are as productive for me as times of work and action.
17) Choose whom I will
trust, when,
how much, and with what;
18) Take on only as much as I can handle at any given time, and to tell
others if I feel overloaded, without shame, anxiety, or guilt;
19) Nurture, love, and value myself as much as I do others who
are special to me. Being "Self-ish" (at-tending my own needs and
nurturance) is healthy and good - as long as I don't hinder, minimize, or dis-respect other's
rights to care for themselves.
20) Choose the
paths and goals I wish for my life, and to pursue them
without guilt, shame, or the need to explain or justify them to others;
And I also claim my unarguable rights to...
21)
Take all the time I need to
evaluate and make important life-decisions. If this stresses others,
they are responsible for asserting their needs and I'm responsible
for balancing them with mine.
22)
Care for my body and Spirit lovingly and respectfully, in my own
ways.
23) Choose my own
priorities and
limits, and act on them as I see fit.
24)
Distinguish between who other people
say I
am (or was) and who I really am.
25) Be
heard and clearly understood.
My thoughts, feelings,
wants,
needs, dreams, and dignity are as valid, worthy, and important as anyone else’s.
26)
Define excellence in any situation,
and to choose if, when, and how to strive for this standard or not.
27)
Choose how to balance and spend my time, and take the
short and long-term consequences;
28)
Tell others
respectfully what I expect of them,
realizing they legitimately may or may not choose to fulfill these
expectations.
29)
Choose how and when to peacefully fill my
spiritual needs, even if
my choices conflict with others’ values or wishes. I do not
have the right to force my spiritual or religious views, values, or
practices on other people, nor do I grant others the right to force
theirs on me.
And I further
affirm my unarguable right to...
30)
Heal past personal
over time, and replace unhealthy
inner beliefs I’ve lived by with more nurturing and productive ones.
31)
Listen to and
heed my
"inner voices" with interest and
respect, and to sort out my true voices from others
I hear.
32)
Have my physical, emotional, and spiritual privacy and
boundaries respected by others. I accept my
responsibility to respect theirs as well.
33)
Ask (vs. demand) others how they feel about me,
what they think about me, and what they need from me. They may
choose to comply or not.
34)
Decide if, when, and how to
forgive (a) my
mistakes and (b) any hurts received from others. I affirm that forgiveness promotes
healing, health, growth, and
peace.
35)
Work respectfully and peacefully to
change laws, rules, or
situations I
feel are unjust or harmful to me and/or others.
36)
Evolve and use my Bill of Personal
Rights, and learn how this affects me and others. I affirm others' equal right and
opportunity to do the same or not.
37) Decide if, how, and when I am to die. I do not
grant well-intentioned others to decide these for me. My life is mine.
38) __________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________
39) __________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________
Options
Rewrite parts or all of this sample to make it
yours. Read each statement out loud, and reflect: "Do I
re-ally believe this (or
something like it) now?" If the answer is "No" or "I'm not
sure," get clear on what you do believe. Take your time.
Your set of basic
un/conscious attitudes and beliefs ("rules") shape your
rela-tionships and daily choices and achievements!
Acknowledge your
childhood adults' responsibility
to have taught you their versions of your Rights to get you started in
life.
Then accept your adult
responsibility to decide if what they taught you fits you well, or if you need to adopt new standards. When is the
right
or best time to do this? What if you don't?
Reread this
sample Bill and thoughtfully consider whether each of your key childhood
caregivers would agree to each Right. Option: if they're available, give
them a copy of this and discuss it with them.
Read
these
inspirations
for guidance and clarity.
Note
that changing basic beliefs
is a core attitude change. The beliefs that shape your daily decisions and actions are held by the
subselves which rule your
personality. Forging and consistently acting on your personal rights
and identity (your integrity) is most likely
if your Self (capital "S") leads your other subselves.
If you
(your ruling subselves) don't genuinely believe rights like those above, an option
is to identify which subself holds (or doubts) that belief, and learn what it would
take for him or her to change it.
More options...
Post
your version of this Bill somewhere in plain view
where you can refresh
yourself daily on what it stands for.
Give a copy of this to each
older child and adult in your home and/or encourage them to evolve their own Bill.
Respect their right to do so or not.
If you participate in a
support or other group (like a church congregation), consider showing
this sample Bill to them and discussing it.
If you care about
someone with "low self esteem" (excessive shame and guilt), weigh the
pros and cons of giving them a copy of this. Caution - if s/he's ruled
by a
false self, doing this may
appear to be a put down ["You can't define your own rights, so I'll do it
for you -
("I'm 1-up").
Consider if and how you
adults wish to incorporate your family members' Bills of Rights in any
family
mission statement and
job descriptions (responsibilities) you evolve and use.
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Refer to this Bill any time you feel major
and interpersonal
conflicts
to help clarify each per-son's basic rights as you work together for
win-win resolutions.
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Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
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Updated
July 25, 2010
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