1	Make Three Wise Courtship Choices* Sociologists estimate that almost half of recent U.S. first-marriages fail legal-ly. Unknown millions more fail psychologically. Typical unions involving prior kids and ex mates (stepfamilies) appear to fail even more often. Based on clinical research since 1979, this slide presentation proposes… two core reasons for this tragic divorce epidemic – partners’ psychological “wounds” + unawareness of up to six key topics; and... how average courting partners can choose the right people, for the right reasons, at the right time. The presentation includes summaries of com-mon courtship danger signs, links to more detail, and recommendations, * These slides summarize articles and worksheets by Peter K. Gerlach, MSW in the nonprofit Break the Cycle! Web site. These ideas pertain to courting partners with or without kids.
2	Contents About human needs What typical courting partners need About personality subselves and “wounds” Why so many Americans divorce, and how to avoid that How to make three right courtship choices: commit to… the right people, for… the right reasons, at… the right time Common courtship danger signs, and… Stepfamily-courtship danger signs Next steps…
3	About Human Needs A need is a physical, psychological, and/or spiritual discomfort All thoughts, emotions, and behavior are caused by current needs. Needs are normal, automatic, and universal - not “good” or “bad” Stress occurs in proportion to the number of unfilled needs. Needs range from current to long-range, and superficial to primary. Most people are unaware of their primary needs, Needs vary in priority, depending personalities and situations. People usually have several concurrent needs. They can conflict internally and interpersonally. When people’s needs conflict, they have “a problem” Communication is an instinctive animal reflex which aims to fill current needs The learnable skills of awareness and digging down can help you discover your current primary needs.
4	What Typical Mates Need why most people court and commit Premise: Most wholistically-healthy adults (like you?) seek a primary partner to fill a mix of primary needs like these: companionship (share life and avoid loneliness) increase current and old-age securities reliable emotional support and encouragement social normalcy and acceptance enjoyable stimulation and excitement sensual and sexual gratification (for some people) - conceive and/or nurture children safe self-discovery, personal growth, and healing (for some) fulfill God’s plan other unique (situational) needs Can you think of other reasons typical teens and adults seek a primary relationship (partner)?
5	About Psychological “Wounds” Premise - People raised in low-nurturance (“dysfunctional”) childhoods automatically develop up to six psychological “wounds”: a fragmented personality controlled by a “false self” excessive shame (I’m a worthless person) and guilts (I do bad things) excessive fears of the unknown, failure, emotional overwhelm, rejection, abandonment, and success excessive reality distortions, including denial, idealizing, minimizing, catastrophizing, assuming, projecting, and repressing trusting too easily and getting betrayed, or trusting too little, and being isolated People with all five of these wounds can also suffer… an inability to feel, bond, and exchange genuine empathy and love. This can include an inability to relate to a Higher Power. Having a group of dynamic personality subselves and some wounds is normal. Once perceived and accepted, these wounds can be intentionally reduced, with knowledgeable help.
6	Two Roots of the U.S. Divorce Epidemic
7	Two Roots of the U.S. Divorce Epidemic – p. 2 2) Wounded or not, typical Americans are unaware of themselves and each other, and lack knowledge about… psychological wounds and their origins and effects; how to communicate and problem-solve effectively; bonding, losses, and healthy grief; requisites for healthy relationships and families; and… kids’ developmental and special needs, and effective-parenting skills. This unawareness causes needy courtship partners to commit to the wrong people, for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time. That promotes wounding minor kids and legal or psychological divorce. THE GOOD NEWS: once an adult is ready to admit their wounds and unawareness, s/he can intentionally reduce them over time with knowledge-able help. This promotes making three wise courtship choices and breaking the lethal [wounds + ignorance] cycle! What are these wise choices?
8	1) Commit to the Right Person – p. 1 of 2 If typical divorces are caused by excessive psychological wounds and ignorance, then the right person to commit to is someone who… fills your partnership needs well enough, and… has few of these “Grown Wounded Child” behavioral traits or s/he… has honestly assessed for significant psychological wounds, and is clearly motivated to reduce any s/he found; and/or s/he… comes from ancestors with most of these traits; and s/he… is committed to learning and using effective-communication skills; and s/he… knows “good grief” basics, and is able to mourn major losses) effectively; and s/he… has clearly ended any psychological and financial dependence on other people; and s/he… is getting clear on and pursuing her/his life purpose; and s/he… Continued…
9	1) Commit to the Right Person – p. 2 of 2 And the right partner… is clearly motivated to nurture his or her wholistic health; and s/he… Has been financially independent and stabvle for at least 18 months; and s/he… wants a primary relationship for the right reasons (next slide); and… s/he clearly is not addicted to any substance, activity, or relationship. And if prior kids are involved, s/he… demonstrates appropriate knowledge of kids’ current needs and effective-parenting principles and skills; and s/he... s/he wants to learn about co-creating a healthy stepfamily; and… The kids are (a) well along in filling their developmental and adjust-ment needs, and (b) seem wholistically healthy; and… if this person is divorced, their ex-mate clearly has most or all of these traits too.
10	2) Commit for the Right Reasons – p. 1 of 2 Premises: (a) reasons for choosing a primary partner range between healthy and unhealthy; and (b) wounded, unaware partners often deny and/or justify un-healthy reasons to commit. Typical healthy reasons sound like ”I want to commit to this special person… to live with a beloved adult I can freely love, and feel be loved by.” to expand and enhance my life’s daily experiences by sharing them with a trusted, emotionally healthy, beloved partner.” to live with an adult who consistently respects, validates, and challenges me constructively, and who helps me feel good about myself.” to live with a consenting adult I can often feel sexually desired by, excited by, and satisfied with, without guilt, shame, or anxiety.” to live with an interesting companion who often stimulates me intellec-tually, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, and expands my world.” Continued…
11	2) Commit for the Right Reasons – p. 2 of 2 ”And I want to commit to this special person… to live with a loving adult who (often) wants to comfort, accept, and sup-port me when I’m worried, scared, discouraged, frustrated, confused, or ashamed.” To live with a beloved adult who steadily wants to encourage me to grow freely as a unique person with special, valuable abilities, and to help him or her do the same.” to feel consistently needed by, and useful and important to, a beloved, special adult I live with;” and I want to commit to this person… to fulfill God’s plan for me and us, and (possibly) nurture one or more children together” add your own right reasons to commit… For some common unhealthy reasons to commit, see this worksheet.
12	3) Commit at the Right Time – p. 1 of 2 Premises: unaware, wounded partners may commit to the right people, for the right reasons but at the wrong time. The right time to commit to a primary relationship is when all these are clearly true… Both partners have thoroughly and honestly assessed each other to be the right person, who wants to commit for the right reasons; and… The courting partners have gotten to know each other and their key friends and relatives (including any kids and ex mates) for at least ~18 months; and… Any prior legal proceedings relative to divorce, estate probate, and/or child visitation, custody, and/or financial support have been clearly settled for 12 months or more; and… Both partners have spent at least six months studying and implementing this Break the Cycle online course; and… Both partners, and any kids and ex mates, have clearly progressed well on mourning their major losses; and… Continued…
13	3) Commit at the Right Time – p. 2 of 2 Both partners have (a) thoroughly discussed, and (b) agree well enough on, child conception, adoption, and co-parenting values, goals, and priorities; and… Each partner is clear on how to identify and resolve values and loyalty conflicts and associated relationship triangles with each other and other key relatives, including any prior kids; and… Partners have made adequate time to discuss and agree on personal and mutual asset and debt ownership and management; and… Partners each feel comfortable that they are spiritually compatible; and… Each partner has his or her own stable human and spiritual support system; and… Each prior child (if any) (a) is well along on filling their mix of developmental and family-adjustment needs, and (b) has informed, healthy adult help. Do these right-time criteria make sense to you? Each couple may have other unique commitment-timing factors to consider.
14	Recap: 3 Wise Courtship Decisions Over half of recent U.S. marriages have failed legally or psychologically. Stepfamily re/marriages seem to fail more often than first marriages. Based on 31 years’ research, this nonprofit Web site proposes two key reasons for this tragic divorce epidemic: courting partners are significantly wounded, psychologically, and they are… unaware of themselves, each other, and up to six vital topics. Without (a) accurate awareness of both these factors and (b) mutual commitment to re-duce each of them, typical needy courtship partners choose… the wrong people (partner, relatives, and any prior kids and ex mates) to commit to; for… the wrong reasons; at… the wrong time. These unwise choices promote eventual psychological and legal divorce. Typical friends, relatives, and professionals like clergy and clinicians are unaware of these two factors. Even if supporters are aware and caution the needy couple, wounded suitors will usually justify making the wrong choices. This is specially likely when prior kids and ex mates are involved. What are key signs that you (or someone) risks making an unwise commitment choice?
15	Common Courtship Danger Signs when no prior kids or ex mates are involved (p. 1 of 3)
16	Common Courtship Danger Signs when no prior kids or ex mates are involved (p. 2 of 3)
17	Stepfamily-courtship Danger Signs when prior kids and ex mates are involved (p. 3 of 3)
18	Answer Six Vital Courtship Questions Raise your odds of making three wise courtship choices by answering these questions honestly: Is my true Self making my courtship decisions? A well-meaning false self is likely to justify unwise decisions. Why should I commit to a primary relationship at this time? (What needs am I trying to fill?) Why should I commit to a relationship with this person and his or her relatives (and any ex-mate and kids)? Why should I commit to these people now? Have I really studied each of the three wise choices and all the danger signs? What are my other commitment-options at this time? If your true Self is guiding your personality, s/he’ll probably be open to reviewing your answers to these questions with someone who (a) understands the gist of this slide presentation, (b) knows you pretty well, and (c) you really trust to give you honest feedback. Restated: reluctance to discuss your answers to these questions honestly with any trusted, knowledgeable supporters suggests that a well-intentioned false self is making your decisions. Red light!
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