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This is one of a
series
of articles in self-study Lesson 4 -
choose and evolve nourishing relation-ships. This sub-series focuses on
improving primary relationships. It adds to articles proposing how to make
with and
without kids from prior unions.
This article assumes you're familiar with...
My client was a well
dressed, soft spoken man in his late 40's that I’ll call Jerry. He leaned
for-ward anxiously, and said. "My wife complains that she doesn't know who I
am. I don't know what to do with that. I am who I am."
I asked "What do you
think she wants from you?" He looked away, and then said "Sharon says
she never knows what I think or feel."
"I notice that you're
here by yourself..." Jerry seemed sad. "She says this is my problem,
not hers."
"Mm. So you're here to
'get fixed' to please her?" He avoided the uncomfortable question and my
eyes: "Well, I want to get to know myself better."
Jerry’s surface
problem seemed to have two parts: (a) satisfying his wife’s need for emotional
intimacy, and (b) increasing his intimacy with himself. My sense as a
therapist was that he
- like many men and some women - wasn’t yet aware of the unfilled needs causing each of these quests.
This article proposes
that mates can intentionally increase shared intimacy
over time. The article defines intimacy, explores
factors that affect it, and offers specific suggestions for improving intimacies with yourselves and each other.
A related article explores options for improving your sexual intimacy.
Because marital intimacy is a blend of
emotional,
and physical communion, using logic to
understand and discuss it is challenging. The ideas below aim to raise your awareness about intimacy, not to propose a cookbook
solution.
# Status check: start by learning
something about yourself. T = True; F = false, and ? = "I'm not sure,"
or "It depends... (on what?)"
My partner and I each have a clear,
compatible definition of “marital intimacy” now (T F ?)
We've had a meaningful discussion on
our intimacy
needs and satisfactions in the last six months. (T F ?)
On
a scale of 1 (very dissatisfied)
to
10 (totally satisfied), I’d say my partner’s recent satisfaction
in our shared intimacy is
about a ___.
On
the same scale, I’d rate my own
recent intimacy satisfaction as a ___.
Neither my mate nor I have a significant “intimacy problem"
now. (T F ?)
If
we do have a problem, I see it
as our problem, not yours or mine. (T F ?)
My
mate and I have compatible
definitions of interpersonal vulnerability now. (T F ?)
My
partner and I can talk about our
intimacy needs and boundaries comfortably and clearly now. (T F ?)
There
is nothing about myself or our
lives that I fear discussing honestly with my mate now. (T F ?)
I
am not repressing or denying anything
significant to myself now. (T F ?)
I
believe my partner feels s/he can
discuss any personal need, feeling, or other subject with me safely
now. (T F ?)
I feel a mix of calm,
centered,
energized, light, focused,
resilient, up, grounded, relaxed, alert, aware, serene,
purposeful, and clear, so
my
is
leading my other
now. (T F ?)
If not, your answers above may be skewed.
Pause for a moment, and listen in on your
"self-talk" - your emotions, body sensations, and thought streams…
What is Intimacy?
How would you describe
intimacy to a
high-school senior? Do you need it? How do you know when you have enough of
it? What if you don't have enough, like Sharon (above)?
Can couples like you
intentionally increase their intimacy satisfactions?
Average men first consider questions like these in sexual terms. Typical
females focus more on feelings, empathy,
companionship and closeness. One of marriage's challenges is
to meet in the middle of the
often and well enough for both of you.
To add to the challenge, individual men and women differ in their (a) intimacy
needs, (b) awarenes-ses of their needs, and (c) abilities to
their needs
effectively. These variables can combine to cause discomfort or
satisfaction in any primary relationship - like yours.
The Latin root intimare meant "to make
familiar with." Jerry and Sharon were struggling to fill at least three core
needs:
-
to "know" (be familiar with)
themselves and their mate and...
-
“be known” by them “enough,” while...
-
respecting their individual needs for personal boundaries (privacy).
The degree
of intimacy-tension between you mates varies with how intense these three
needs are in each of you, and how well your needs mesh. Another variable is
how distracted (unfocused,
unaware each of you are most of the time
and with each other.
|
Let's define “marital intimacy” as the dynamic
process of each
mate trusting the safety of honestly disclosing
their current feelings, needs, fantasies, dreams, fears, hopes, “failings” and limi-tations, “general thoughts,” and honest relationship feedback to
themselves and their partner. |
From this,
vulnerability is willingness to disclose and ask for these personal things despite the
risk of painful scorn, rejection, misunderstanding, and/or indifference. The
protective reflexes of
and
harmful compulsions like
exist because
many of us
aren’t willing to risk searing self-scorn
and
anxieties by being intimate (honest) with
ourselves.
A simpler definition is
“marital intimacy is
each partner risking honest disclosure of...
Perhaps our infantile need for mirroring
from our caretakers never really fades.
Mirroring involves
ex-changing non-verbal behaviors that say “I see you, and me and
us - right now and over time.” Your personal
is
based on your earliest experiences of those signals.
The degree of intimacy you
exchange with your mate is directly proportional to how intimate you each are
with yourselves. When Jerry said “I want to get to know myself better,” that
may have meant “I want to be more intimate with
myself.”
| From this, I propose that marital intimacy
dis/satisfaction hinges on two core factors:
(a) whe-ther either of you carries significant psychological
from a
childhood, and (b) how
effectively you
and
Let's explore each of these... |
1)
Intimacy and Psychological Wounds
Premise: all normal personalities are composed of semi-independent
subselves, like talented play-ers in an orchestra or sports team. They may be
wisely-led in calm and stressful times by your expert
or less-well guided by several
well-meaning subselves - a
If you're curious or skeptical about these ideas, read this
letter to you, try this
safe, interesting exercise,
and scan this comparison. Then return
here.
People often governed by a false self can be unaware of it and up to five
related psychological wounds - excessive
and
and
and
distortions. For some, these combine to
cause difficulty
with (emotionally
attaching to,
or caring about) some or all
living things. If such
(GWCs)
"hit true (vs. pseudo)
bottom,"
they can choose to
their wounds over time with qualified help. See
in this site for more.
The more of these wounds you
and/or your mate have now, the harder it will be to achieve anxiety-free
The lower your self-intimacies, the lower your mutual intimacy.
To raise their intimacy satisfactions, Jerry and
Sharon needed to want to
for psychological wounds as teammates, and help each other
proactively reduce any they found. Paradoxically, unawareness
and their wounds will inhibit their doing this together without one or both of
them hitting true bottom and seeking
knowledgeable help.
Self Awareness
For Jerry
(and you?), “get to know myself better,”
begins with awareness of factors like these:
What
am I thinking, feeling,
needing, and doing right now, and over time?
What is my body saying to me
now?
How
is my spirit or soul?
What are my preferences, key beliefs,
attitudes, and
How high is my self-respect as a
person, wo/man, spouse, parent, friend, and citizen?
What
me, and why?
What do these
factors
mean to me,
individually and together?
What am I on Earth to do –
what’s my
”
Can you identify other topics that would add to
your self-intimacy? Do you know
anyone who is learning to be aware of such personal things? Some people choose - often in mid-life - to journal,
meditate, and/or join self-awareness groups to progress at this self-knowing.
Wounds Block Self-awareness
Significant false-self wounds block
self and mutual intimacies in several concurrent ways:
Excessive shame, guilts, and
fears promote emotional numbness, repression, and denials of the factors
above. The
is
certain “If I allow honest disclosure, I’ll have to face how disgusting,
worthless, and unlovable I am.” The
(and other
subselves’) fear of emotional overwhelm (“losing control of myself or my
center”) translates to fear or terror of experiencing intense emotions
and some physical sensations.
False-self dominance promotes
, distraction via “mind-racing,”
and inner and outer
, specially in high-emotion situations. These inhibit
awareness
and clarity, which are essential for self and mutual intimacy.
Excessive distrusts cast
doubts on (a) personal perceptions and judgments ("self doubt"), and
(b) the safety of honest
disclosure of intimacy factors to _ myself, _ you, and _ my
Subselves’ distrust that your true Self can prevent inner-family chaos when emotions
and physical sensations are intense causes a low tolerance for emotional and
physical intimacy.
Difficulty bonding promotes
pseudo (pretended),
and independent (low-need,
low nurturance) relationships.
Any of these can result from a low or frozen ability to need or tolerate intimacy.
If you haven’t
experienced and accepted the
reality of your
of subselves yet, this will have little meaning
for you. If you have validated your busy subselves, does the above make
sense to you? For perspective, recall my observation from
29 years’ clinical experience with troubled couples:
significantly-wounded people tend to pick
each other repeatedly, until starting true (vs. pseudo)
.
That means that
if you and/or your mate had a
childhood,
you both are probably significantly wounded. That means you probably have
trouble with self and mutual intimacy (vs. sex) and other relationship stressors,
unless you're effectively reducing your wounds and
your true Self.
Even if you
partners are not majorly wounded, another
intimacy-inhibitor may need attention:
2) Intimacy and Effective Communication
Can you define
effective communication?
I propose that it occurs when (a) both people feel their current
are
satisfied enough, (b) in a way that both feel good enough about. This is most
apt to happen when each person is steadily led by their
and both are
fluent in the seven
communication
Your inner and mutual intimacy discomforts are
far more likely to stay resolved if you know how to...
Jerry and Sharon couldn’t do
this with their intimacy-related conflicts. They were
each very wounded, and didn’t (want to) know or acknowledge that. In early
middle age, neither had hit true bottom yet.
Can
you mates name the seven communication skills and how to “do” each of them now?
You two can
at any time. From consulting with well over 600 typical
(Midwestern US) couples since 1981, my experience is that
less than 5% of typical
troubled partners use these powerful skills.
This is partly because
U.S. caregivers and schools don't teach the seven skills and their many benefits.
Also, in my professional experience, few human-service professionals are trained and motivated to encourage
clients to learn and use the seven skills. If you work with a clinical helper,
can s/he name the skills?
You may also be hindered from improving your
thinking and communicating skills by your (false selves’)
normal reluctance to
risk new things. Do you and/or your
partner prefer familiar discomfort over the risks of new beliefs, experiences, and
behaviors? A common false-self wound is excessive fear of the unknown, which is a symptom of
in your Self, other people, and
your Higher Power.
Examples...
Here are some of the ways these
communication skills can raise your intimacy
satisfactions, once your Selves are guiding your inner teams:
-
reveals what you each think,
feel, need (superficially), and do, including (a) how you try to get your needs
met, and (b) how well your strategy works;
-
(vs.
logic)
refines your awarenesses, and helps you stay focused on identifying and
filling your and your partner's needs for intimacy and other things;
-
helps you discern the
(a)
underlying your surface (intimacy) needs and
(b) who’s responsible for
filling them;
-
and respectful "hearing checks" empower you to hear
each other clearly with your hearts;
-
(vs. submission or aggression) empowers you each to describe
your intimacy needs to each other in a way the other can really hear;
-
allows you to discuss and
improve your (a) internal and (b) mutual communication processes (thinking and
discussing); and…
-
combines all six skills
and a mutual-respect
attitude to
brainstorm (a) filling your respective primary needs (b) in ways
that feel good enough to you each.
Learning to communicate more effectively involves replacing some cherished old values, assump-tions, beliefs, and habits
with new ones. A key example: wounded partners’ false selves often believe
"My
current needs are less (or more) important than yours." To harvest the
major benefits of the seven skills, you partners need to shift that to
“Your
and my rights, needs, and
integrities are usually of equal impor-tance to me.”
Another toxic belief is "Conflict is scary,
unsafe, and bad." No, it's natural, inevitable, and –
when well managed by your true Selves –
and mutual conflict
nurtures self esteems, confidences, trusts,
and relationships! Have you each experienced that?
A vital part of upgrading your communication
effectiveness is helping each other discern between your communication topics, and your inner and shared
process. Often part of
couples’ real “intimacy problem” is the
they (you) each think and
talk about intimacy needs and blocks. Learning to use the communication tools
of awareness, metatalk, and
can help you resolve this.
Here’s a brief example of how Jerry and
Sharon could communicate more effectively about her intimacy need for him to
disclose his thoughts and feelings more often:
Sharon) “It really frustrates me, Jer – I
don’t really know who you are!” (surface problem)
Jerry) “You need something from me and
you’re not getting it.” (empathic listening. Sharon nods.) “What do you
need that would help you know who I am?” (starting to dig down.)
S) “You know, what you
think about
things. What are you feeling? Where do you stand?” (Fuzzy thinking).
J) “You’d feel better if I talked more about
what’s going on inside of me.” (Empathic listening) Sharon nods again,
feeling respected and heard. Jerry does not defend, question, explain,
blame, whine, gener-alize, change the subject, etc.) He adds “I want to do
that, and (not ’but’) I need something from you.”
S) “What’s that?”
J) “Fairly often, when I tell you what I
feel, you respond judgmentally – critically – and I feel blamed and put down.
I’ve come to feel unsafe with you. I need you to stop doing that.”
(metatalk and respectful assertion of a boundary)
S) “Oh, so you’re saying this is my fault?”
(her ruling subselves feel blamed and defensive)
Jerry’s
Self) “No, I’m describing what I
need, so I can give you what you need.” (awareness, metatalk, and
assertion).
S) “I think you’re trying to weasel out of
admitting your pretty numbed out, most of the time.” (
defending her
J, calmly) “I feel blamed and attacked right now,
Sharon (vs. 'You're attacking me!'). I need you to problem-solve with me so we can
both get our
needs met.” (respectful awareness, clear thinking, meta-talk, and assertion).
If Sharon let her
false self stay
in charge, this would probably evolve into a
lose-lose se-quence that would
frustrate them both and weaken their relationship.
If these mates were each led by their true Selves, she might say…
S) “It’s hard for me to hear that. So you’re
saying if you do tell me who you are at times, you feel criti-cized by me
rather than heard and accepted.” (genuine empathic listening – a “hearing
check.”)
J) “Yeah, exactly. Are you willing to use
the skills to dig-down so we can see what’s causing the criti-cism?”
(assertive invitation to start identifying and solving an _ internal and _
communication problem that blocks both their needs).
Note that what starts as an “intimacy” problem
is starting to shift toward the real problems: (a) Sha-ron’s unseen
false-self wounds, (b) related ineffective communication reflexes, and (c) her
subselves’ need to avoid discomfort by
both of these. If this couple
knows about
and
and elects to work on them together, they can use
this surface problem to heal and grow their relationship in may ways!
Before continuing, pause and reflect - what are your governing subselves
saying and feeling? Can you recall why you started reading this article? How do the ideas you've
read so far relate to your needs? Do you need a break before reading more?
Continued...
