Lesson 4 of 7  - optimize your relationships
	Mates' Priorities How High Does Our Relationship Really Rank Now? By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council

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• The Web address of this worksheet is http://sfhelp.org/relate/mates/priority.htm

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        This is one of a series of articles on improving primary relationships. It adds to others proposing how to make three wise courtship decisions with and without kids from prior unions.

       Some people divorce because they tire of feeling too low in their mate's priorities. The ranking often depends on (a) expectations, and (b) how well the other person fills their dynamic relationship needs. This worksheet provides a place for committed partners to rank their relationship's importance in their lives. It also offers premises about priorities, and options for dealing with inner and mutual priority conflicts.

          Get the most from this worksheet by first reading...

the intro to this nonprofit Web site and the premises underlying it self-improvement Lesson 1 thru 4 perspective on resolving values conflicts requisites for a satisfying relationship, and... these Q&A items about relationships and marriage

        Read and mull the premises that follow. Then by yourselves, not as a couple, thoughtfully and honestly rank your and your partner's recent life-priorities. Then discuss the results together for learning and problem-solving, vs. for blaming, complaining, or moralizing...


  Premises: Do You Agree?

Each partner in a primary relationship needs to feel noticed and valued enough right now, and over time - i.e. each mate wants the other to usually want to rank them and their relationship "high enough" in their life priorities. "Enough" is subjective.

Each partner's actions demonstrate their real priorities more reliably than their words. This is because adults dominated by false selves will often say one thing and do another. My 32 years' clinical experience suggests that adults from low-nurturance childhoods are often ruled by false selves - and don't (want to) know that or what to do about it.

Our personal priorities are strongly influenced by hormones, habits, current societal norms, old childhood "shoulds," and our dominant personality subselves. Through meditation, journaling, and digging down cooperatively, we can become clearer on our real priorities (needs)

To thrive, relationships need enough ongoing mutual nourishment: undistracted time and attention, risk, and some sacrifices, by each partner. Partners usually need to feel their mate wants to give these things freely from love and respect, rather than from duty and/or anxiety about possible conflict, rejection, or abandonment.

Each partner's mix of personal priorities (needs) changes dynamically, often unconsciously, over time. So partners are steadily challenged to intentionally keep their relationship's priority "high enough." This implies the value of committed couples periodically making reality checks: i.e. knowing and discussing mutual priorities honestly together.

Here's your chance!

  Directions

        Make some undistracted time to do this learning exercise. If you need to attend to other activities first, do so.

        Check: is your true Self steadily guiding your personality now? If not, other well-meaning subselves may distort your answers here.

        Notice your feelings, motivations, and expectations now. Are you looking forward to this discovery experience? Anxious? Skeptical? Do you expect that doing this worksheet and discussing it with your partner will be useful or a waste of time?

        Scan the activity categories below and add any others you feel have been a significant part of your recent lives;

        Pick a recent time period - e.g. the last three months - and decide: "where have I put the most and least of my daily energy, on the average?" Take your time, and rank-order all the categories (1, 2, 3... ). Option: pick the highest and lowest, then repeat with remaining categories, until you run out. Ties are OK. Note any feelings or awarenesses that occur while you do this. Think of someone who knows you well. Would they basically agree with your ranking?

        Shift mental gears, and repeat the process for your partner: rank nonjudgmentally how you see her or him generally having allocated their personal energy during the same period. This is about discovery, not blame! Again, note any awarenesses that occur.

        When you're both done and undistracted, compare and discuss what you came up with. See if this feels like teammates talking or "something else" (e.g. a competition or conflict). Stay aware of your inner and mutual processes. Note nonjudgmentally how you're communicating together about this: openly, defensively, guardedly, irritably,… What do you notice? What does that mean?

 Thoughts for journaling and discussion:

I truly feel (a) my words about my recent key life-priorities generally match my actions, and (b) I feel this is true about you too, recently.


 

I feel our recent mix of personal priorities has generally been a  _ strength _ stressor  _ neutral factor in our relationship-quality;


 

Do I or you need someone's priorities to change? If so: who's, which, when, and why? Is anything in the way? What may happen if there's no change?


 

I am satisfied enough with (a) how often and (b) how well you and I communicate and (c) problem-solve (vs. argue, avoid, or complain) about our current mix of personal priorities.

I feel that (a) my and (b) your life priorities are pretty stable over time, vs. shifting around erratically…
 

 

If I’m (or we’re) not admitting something about our current life priorities here, it is…


 

How am I feeling about what I’m learning here? Do I need to change or do anything? What are my options?

 

 If You Have a "Priority Conflict"...

        If either of you is significantly dissatisfied with the other's demonstrated priorities, be alert for "Be spontaneous!" paradoxes. These occur when one person expects or demands something from another which can only be given spontaneously, like love, honesty, respect, and interest. Demanding such things makes it impossible to give them. ("You just respect me because I asked you to!") So "I want you to value me and our relationship more!" makes it impossible to do so!

        Also be alert for the difference between surface and primary priorities. Examples:

"You put your parents before me" may really be "You put fear of parental disapproval and rejection before me."

"You put work ahead of our relationship" may really be "You need to avoid our inability to resolve our relationship problems by being away from home."

"You need to put socializing ahead of intimacy with me" may really be "You need to avoid the guilt and shame of feeling sexually inadequate with me"

Guideline - to identify your real priority (values) conflicts, dig down below the surface clashes.

        Help each other be alert for obsolete or inapplicable rules (shoulds, have to's, musts) that influence your surface priorities. Often, rules are unconsciously adopted form childhood caregivers / hero/ines / mentors / friends and are not really applicable to your unique life situation. In a priority conflict, seek underlying rules, identify where you got the rules, and then examine whether the rules still fit for you and your mate and family. 

        Finally, if you experience inner conflicts about your priorities ("I should spend more time with __________  /  want to exercise more  /  get more sleep  /  pray more often"  /  etc..), that often means a false self controls you. Apply these ideas about reducing guilt to normal, and use parts work (Lesson 1) to raise your inner harmony.

        If you or your mate feel your partner doesn't value you and your relationship high enough often enough, the real problems may be:

• one or both of you bear significant psychological wounds, including possibly being unable to bond (commit); and/or one or both of you...

• may not have fully grieved prior losses (like a former relationship), so you aren't able to fully commit; and/or one or both of you... ..

• made up to three unwise courtship decisions; and/or...

• you two don't know how to identify and assert your relationship needs effectively, and resolve inevitable conflicts as partners rather than adversaries.

Lessons 1 thru 4 in this Web site offer practical options for reducing three of these stressors. They can't undo unwise commitment choices, but the Lessons can help you learn from them.

Recap

        This Lesson-4 worksheet exists to help committed partners assess and discuss their respective life priorities. My clinical work suggests that an important cause of psychological and legal divorce is one or both mates feeling too unimportant for too long, and being unable to correct this.

        Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not, what do you need? Is there anyone you want to discuss these ideas with? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident true Self or ''someone else''?  

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Updated  February 18, 2012