Lesson 4 of 8  - choose and evolve nourishing relationships
	Priorities How High Does Our Primary  Relationship Really Rank Now? By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this worksheet is http://sfhelp.org/relate/mates/priority.htm

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        This is one of a series of articles in self-study Lesson 4 - choose and evolve nourishing relation-ships. This sub-series focuses on improving primary relationships. It adds to articles proposing how to make three wise courtship decisions with and without kids from prior unions.

       Some people divorce because they tire of feeling second (or fifth) best in their mate's demonstra-ted (vs. promised) priorities. Each partner in any relationship will rank it from low to high among their life interests. The ranking often depends on how well the other person fills their dynamic relationship needs.

        Read and mull the premises that follow. Then by yourselves, not as a couple, thoughtfully and hon-estly rank your and your partner's recent priorities. Then discuss the results together for learning and problem-solving, vs. for blaming, complaining, or moralizing...


  Premises: Do You Agree?

Each partner in a primary relationship needs to feel noticed and valued enough right now, and over time - i.e. each mate wants the other to usually rank them and their mutual relationship "high enough" in their life priorities. "Enough" is subjective, not absolute.

Each partner's actions demonstrate their actual life priorities more reliably than their words. This is because adults dominated by false selves will often say one thing and do another. My 28 years' clinical experience suggests that average divorcing and re/married adults are often ruled by false selves - and don't (want to) know that or what to do about it (Lesson 1).

Our personal priorities are strongly influenced by hormones, habits, current societal norms, old childhood "shoulds," and our dominant personality subselves. Through meditation, jour-naling, and honest discussions, we can become clearer on our real priorities.

To thrive, relationships need enough ongoing mutual nourishment: undistracted time and attention, risk, and some sacrifices, by each partner. Partners usually need to feel their mate gives these things freely from love and respect, rather than from duty and/or anxiety about possible indifference, rejection, or abandonment.

Each partner's mix of personal priorities (needs) changes dynamically, often unconscious-ly, over time. So partners are steadily challenged to intentionally keep their relationship's priority high "enough." This implies the value of committed couples periodically making reality checks: i.e. knowing and discussing mutual priorities honestly together.

Here's your chance!

  Directions

        Make some undistracted time to do this learning exercise. If you need to attend to other activities first, do so.

        Self check: is your true Self guiding your personality now? If not, other well-meaning subselves may distort your answers here.

        Notice your feelings, motivations, and expectations now. Are you looking forward to this discovery experience? Anxious? Skeptical? Do you expect that doing this worksheet and discussing it with your partner will be useful, or a waste of time? Discussing these with your partner later can increase your mutual learnings...

        Scan the activity categories below and add any others you feel have been a significant part of your recent lives;

        Pick a recent time period - e.g. the last three months - and decide: "where have I put the most and least of my daily energy, on the average?" Take your time, and rank-order all the categories (1, 2, 3... ). Option: pick the highest and lowest, then repeat with remaining categories, until you run out. Ties are OK. Note any feelings or awarenesses that occur while you do this. Think of someone who knows you well. Would they basically agree with your ranking?

        Shift mental gears, and repeat the process for your partner: rank nonjudgmentally how you see them generally having allocating their personal energy during the same period. This is about discovery, not blame! Again, note any awarenesses that occur.

        When you're both done and undistracted, compare and discuss what you came up with. See if this feels like teammates talking or "something else" (e.g. a competition or conflict). Stay aware of your inner and mutual processes. Note nonjudgmentally how you're communicating together about this: openly, guardedly, irritably,…. What do you notice? What does that mean?

  Thoughts for journaling and discussion:

I truly feel (a) my words about my recent key life-priorities generally match my actions, and (b) I feel this is true about you too, recently.

I feel our recent mix of personal priorities has generally been a  _ strength _ stressor  _ neutral factor in our relationship-quality;

Do I or you need someone's priorities to change? If so: who's, which, when, and why? Is anything in the way? What may happen if there's no change?

I am satisfied enough with (a) how often and (b) how well you and I communicate and (c) problem-solve (vs. argue, avoid, or complain) about our current mix of personal priorities.

I feel that (a) my and (b) your life priorities are pretty stable over time, vs. shifting around erratically…
 

If I’m (or we’re) not admitting something about our current life priorities here, it is…

How am I feeling about what I’m learning here? Do I need to change or do anything? What are my options?



 

        Note the guidebooks for nurturing your remarriage, and  merge three or more multi-generational biofamilies, building a high-nurturance stepfamily.

        These divorce-prevention guidebooks are part of a non-profit series that integrates most of the articles in this Web site, and include link-addresses to those that aren't included. The books are based on 30 years' clinical research and consultation with over 1,000 typical U.S. co-parents (stepparents and related bioparents).

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        Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what do you need? Is there anyone you want to discuss these ideas with? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident true Self or "someone else"?
 

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Updated  January 08, 2010