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- choose and evolve nourishing relationships |
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Priorities
How High Does Our Primary
Relationship Really
Rank Now?
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council
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This is one of a
series
of articles in
self-study Lesson 4 - choose and evolve nourishing
relation-ships. This sub-series focuses on improving
primary relationships. It adds to articles proposing how
to make three wise
courtship decisions with and without kids from prior
unions.
Some
people divorce because
they
of feeling second (or fifth) best in their mate's
demonstra-ted (vs. promised) priorities. Each partner in any
relationship will rank it from low to high among their
life interests. The ranking often depends on how well
the other person fills their dynamic relationship needs.
Read and mull the premises that follow. Then by
yourselves, not as a couple, thoughtfully and hon-estly rank your and your
partner's recent priorities. Then discuss the results together for learning and
problem-solving, vs. for blaming, complaining, or moralizing...
Premises:
Do You Agree?
Each partner in a primary relationship
needs to feel noticed and valued enough right now, and over time - i.e. each
mate wants the other to usually rank them and their mutual relationship "high
enough" in their life priorities. "Enough" is subjective,
not absolute.
Each partner's
actions demonstrate their actual life
priorities more reliably than their words. This is because adults
dominated by
will often
say one thing and do another. My
28 years' clinical experience suggests that
average divorcing and
re/married adults are often ruled by false selves - and don't
(want to) know that or what to do about it
Our personal priorities are strongly influenced by hormones, habits, current societal norms, old childhood
"shoulds," and our dominant personality
Through meditation,
and
honest
discussions, we can become clearer on our
real priorities.
To thrive,
relationships need enough ongoing mutual nourishment: undistracted time and attention, risk, and some sacrifices, by each partner. Partners usually need to feel their mate gives
these things freely from love and respect, rather than from duty and/or anxiety
about possible indifference, rejection, or abandonment.
Each partner's mix of personal
priorities
changes
dynamically, often unconscious-ly, over time. So partners are steadily challenged to
intentionally keep their relationship's
priority high "enough." This implies the value of committed couples
periodically making reality checks: i.e. knowing and discussing mutual
priorities honestly together.
Here's your chance!
Directions
Make some undistracted time to do this learning
exercise. If you need to attend to other activities first, do so.
Self check:
is
your
guiding your
now? If not, other well-meaning
may distort your answers here.
Notice your feelings, motivations, and expectations now. Are you looking forward to this discovery experience? Anxious?
Do
you expect that doing this worksheet and discussing it with your partner will be
useful, or a waste of time? Discussing these with your partner later can
increase your mutual learnings...
Scan
the activity categories below and add any others you feel have been a significant
part of your recent lives;
Pick a recent time period -
e.g. the last three months - and decide: "where have I
put the most and least of my daily energy, on the average?" Take your time,
and rank-order all the categories (1, 2, 3... ). Option: pick the highest and lowest, then
repeat with remaining categories, until you run out. Ties are OK. Note any
feelings or awarenesses that occur while you do this. Think of
someone who knows you well. Would they basically agree with your ranking?
Shift mental gears, and repeat the process for your partner: rank
nonjudgmentally how
you see them generally having allocating their personal energy during the same period.
This is about discovery, not blame! Again, note any awarenesses that occur.
When you're both done and undistracted, compare and discuss what you came up
with. See
if this feels like teammates talking or "something else" (e.g. a
competition or conflict). Stay
of your inner and mutual processes. Note nonjudgmentally
how you're communicating together about this: openly, guardedly, irritably,
. What do
you notice? What does that mean?
Ranking Our
Recent Life Priorities |
Where our time and
energy goes - (alphabetically): |
Me |
You |
| Birthfamily: time with or for parents, siblings, and other key
relatives |
|
|
| Community: neighborhood / church / town / regional / national / global
|
|
|
| Friendships: socializing / entertaining / calling / support / meeting
new friends |
|
|
| Home and grounds: selecting / furnishing / decorating / cleaning /
maintaining / changing / planting / protecting ... |
|
|
| Leisure: hobbies / vacations / sports / reading / pets / relaxing
|
|
|
| Me (personal time): eating / resting / exercising / meditating /
worshipping / counseling / grieving / journaling / non-career education / personal growth
/ medical care / ... |
|
|
| Money, wealth, and financial security: budgeting / spending /
investing / accounting / taxes / saving /
|
|
|
| Parenting dependent and grown biokids and/or stepkids:
enjoying / guiding / disciplining / supporting / playing / teaching / planning /
protecting / problem-solving / communicating with other co-parent(s) and kin / financing /
|
|
|
| Possessions (material things): acquiring / installing / maintaining /
protecting |
|
|
|
Work and career: commuting / job time / overtime /
on-the-job training / other education / entertaining / resumes / searching / career
counseling /
|
|
|
| You / Us (couple time): communicating / problem-solving (or
arguing) / activities / intimacy / relationship-building
|
|
|
Other:
|
|
|
I truly feel (a) my words about
my recent key life-priorities generally match my actions, and (b) I feel this is true about
you too, recently.
I feel our recent mix of personal priorities has generally
been a _ strength _ stressor _ neutral factor
in our relationship-quality;
Do I or you need someone's priorities to change? If so:
who's, which, when, and why? Is anything in the way? What may happen if
there's no change?
I am satisfied enough with (a) how often and
(b) how well you
and I communicate and (c)
(vs. argue,
avoid, or complain) about our current
mix of personal priorities.
I feel that (a) my and (b)
your life
priorities are pretty stable over time, vs. shifting around erratically…
If Im (or were) not
admitting something
about our current life priorities here, it is…
How am I feeling about what Im learning here? Do I need
to change or do anything? What are my options?

Note the guidebooks for
nurturing your remarriage, and merge three
or more multi-generational biofamilies, building a high-nurturance stepfamily.
These divorce-prevention guidebooks are
part of a non-profit series that integrates most of
the articles in this Web site, and include link-addresses to those that aren't
included. The books are based on
30 years' clinical
research and consultation with over 1,000 typical U.S. co-parents (stepparents
and related bioparents).
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's
these
questions - your wise resident
or
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Updated
January 08, 2010
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