Lesson 4 of 7  - optimize your relationships
	Solutions to Common Relationship Problems By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this article is https://sfhelp.org/relate/menu.htm

Updated  02-12-2015

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      This is one of a series of articles on Lesson 4 - optimize your relationships. These articles build on Lessons 1 - 3, and prepare you for Lesson 5 (evolve a nourishing family) and Lesson 6 (effective parenting).

      This index links to articles in this nonprofit Web site about solving common relationship problems among people and among your personality subselves.  

      This brief YouTube video overviews self-improvement "lesson 4" in thus Web site - optimize your relationships. The video mentions eight lessons in this self-improvement Web site - I've reduced that to seven.

      All articles assume you're familiar with....

the intro to this Web site and the premises underlying it self-improvement Lessons 1 thru 4 how to identify primary needs requisites for a satisfying relationship, and these Q&A items options for analyzing and resolving relationship problems; .

      Premises - Human relationships exist to satisfy a set of common needs like companionship, security, affirmation, and support. Relationship "problems" occur when someone can't fill someone's significant needs.

      Common reasons that hinder relationship problem-solving are:

• one or more people are psychologically wounded; and...

• they don't identify the primary needs that cause their surface problems, and...

• they're unaware of themselves and key topics  - specially of psychological wounds and communication skills.

The good news is - you can overcome each of these barriers and fill your primary needs more often if your true Self usually guides your personality. See Lesson 1.  

Common Surface Relationship Problems

      Each link below leads to a popup or article offering perspective on the problem, resolution options, references, and (often), illustrations. All articles are linked to each other and to relevant worksheets and resources.

      If you don't see the topic you're interested in, try searching the site or sending me feedback. Problems in bold type deserve special focus. Asterisked (*) items offer effective ways to respond to this behavior in another person. Topics are listed alphabetically.

      Many of these articles contain an embedded YouTube video to illustrate key points. One of the Break-the-Cycle! YouTube playlists (4a) offer videos on a range of general relationship issues. A related playlist (4b) provides videos on dating, marriage, and divorce issues. Learning from these videos alone is much less effective than studying online Lessons 1-4 here.
 

abuse abandonment addictions affairs aggression* anxiety / fear anger apathy / boredom* arguing / fighting attitudes barriers betrayal boundary conflicts "coldness" commitment communications competitiveness* coworkers over-critical*

cutoffs cynicism* defensiveness* depression* dishonesty  dislike distrust / suspicion disrespect distortions / denial distractions* egotism, selfishness* friendship frustration same gender significant guilt hostility* impatience* indifference* insincerity jealousy / envy

interrupting* "laziness" little empathy* loyalty conflicts low self esteem (shame) love imbalances manipulation* mis-assumptions* nagging* Narcissism neglectful* not hearing* numbness over-controlling* over-talking* overwhelm parenting prejudice / bigotry repetitiveness*

personal rights rigidity* role conflicts sadness / grief scapegoating self-centeredness* sexuality shyness silences* spirituality little teamwork triangles "unavailability" * unawareness values conflicts volatility* whining / complaining withholding / secrecy woundedness

If you have a stepfamily relationship problem, also see this.

      Did your childhood caregivers and teachers show you how to master each of these well enough? Do you think anyone showed them how? Are you teaching any kids in your life how to understand and master these common secondary stressors?

      Notice common relationship stressors that aren't included above, like conflicts over money, jobs, dwellings, vehicles, trips, in-laws, intimacy, ex mates, health, ecology, vacations, holidays, religion, kids, friends, politics, hobbies, personal health, etc. Each of these is a surface problem caused by one or more of the stressors above.

Recap

      This Lesson-4 menu links you to articles on resolving many common surface relationship problems between people and between personality subselves. It notes several useful readings, and proposes three correctable underlying causes of most social relationship problems.

      Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or ''someone else''?

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