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This is one of a series of articles on Lesson 4 - choose and evolve
nourishing relationships. These articles build on Lessons 1 - 3, and prepare
you for Lesson 5 (evolve and enjoy a nourishing fam-ily) and Lesson 6 (learn
to practice effective parenting).
This foundations article focuses on something that every human and
animal is faced with every moment - discerning and satisfying currentneeds.The article covers...
all adult and child
behavior, including communicating, aims to
reduce sets of current needs -i.e. emotional, physical, and/or spiritual
discomforts; and...
without coaching and
awareness, most people only focus on
filling surface or secondary needs rather than the
primary needs that cause them;
this
usually causes temporary, rather than lasting changes - i.e. the
symptoms of the
primary needs ("problems" or "bad habits") keep
reappearing. This can promote...
increasing
frustration, self
doubt, blame, conflict, discouragement, and resignation. These...
corrode self-confidence and relationships,
which can lower the
nurturance level
of families and other groups, and promote divorce.
Temporary states of
contentment and happiness occur when you find a way of satisfying
your group of current primary needs well enough.
Implication:intentionally trying to fill your
and others'primary needs promotes
permanent
changes, serenity, security, and
satisfactions. Do you agree?
What needs?
CommonPrimary Human
Needs
Tailor this random-order list to fit your beliefs and life experience.
How would you
rank-order these needs in your life now?
How would your partner, your parents, and each dependent? Note that
people usually have groups of these needs simultaneously, which can make
naming each of them a challenge. Option - try saying each one of
these out loud: "I need (to)...
●
Unconditional self
aware-ness and acceptance ("I'm OK!")
●Choose and act on my own short
and long-term
priorities
●Evolve a set of personal
rights,
and
assert them without
undue anxiety or guilt
● Get enough nurturing (vs. toxic)
humor and laughter
●Maintain enough hopefor future
satisfactions, and relief from
current discomfort
●(add your own primary
needs)
Pause, breathe, and notice where your thots go... Have you ever seen
a summary of primary human needs like this before?
Do you feel that every child and adult has an array of these
needs - which makes us all true equals, beside surface
differences?
Does it also seem credible that most people could not describe
these needs? Anyone (e.g. you) can choose to develop their
awareness of their set of
primary needs and how they affect their life, relationships, and
wholistic health.
Note that in any situation each person will have a different set of these needs, and will
rank them differently.
Do you agree?
One definition of "social harmony" is
when people temporarily (a) have similar-enough
primary needs and values, and (b) rank them equally.
Problems, conflicts,
impasses, and dilemmas indicate
internal and/or social
clashes between primary needs, perceptions, and priorities.
Awareness of these is the first step toward resolving them. Note also that needs can be grouped and ranked by time frame.
Your primary
needs for today probably differ from those you want to fill in the
next 20 years.
About Your Integrity
Have you ever refined your own definition of your
integrity? Consider this
definition:
"My integrity is (a)
knowing my main beliefs, values, rights, and primary
needs, and
(b) acting on them
consistently (c) without undue shame, guilt, or anxiety - despite resistance, scorn, or
criticism from other people."
Do you know what it feels like to honor and preserve
your integrityanddignity(selfrespect)? People who are able to do that often are usually
guided by their
true Self, with some
Higher-Powered help...
We're the first Western (or global?) generation to
popularly acknowledge the harmful relationship dynamic of enabling. If
out of kindness, compassion, anxiety, or misplaced guilt I take on too much re-sponsibility for
your
problems(unfilled needs), I block you from learning how to master them. Thus
enabling is the opposite of empowering, which
is what
high-nurturance co-parents want to do for their kids
and each other.
Who's Responsible for Filling Your Needs?
Premise:
Internal and
social
conflict resolution depends on each person wanting
to accept respon-sibility for
identifying and
filling their own primary needs.How does that compare with what you believe?
Maturing is (partly)
wanting to shift from childhood dependence on others for
need-fulfillment to confident dependence on yourself. Does that
describe you recently?
Implication: if you expect your mate, parent/s, a child, or
others to fill your primary needs (above), you're setting everyone up for disappointment, frustration, hurt, anger, and resentment - specially
if they accept the responsibility! When such
acceptance is chronic or excessive, can be a sign of the toxic condition of
codependence
- relationship addiction. That is a symptom of psychological
wounds
and
unawareness.
A
key implication is that co-parents are responsible for helping minor
kids learn gradually to take full responsibility for...
identifying and filling their own
primary needs
(above), and for...
asking for help in filling them when they
need it - without excessive guilt, shame,
or anxiety.
Are you doing that for any
young people in your life? Did your caregivers do that for you?
Has anyone?
This Web site proposes that the
personality
of all normal people is composed of a
group
of talented, dynamic subselves, like players on an athletic team or
orchestra.
Subselves who control persons (you) instinctively
prioritize
their and each other's needs. This inevitably creates fluctuating
internal and social conflicts (need-clashes).
A vital
human-relations skill is learning how to objectively
dig down below your surface aware-ness to
(a) discern your current mix
of primary
needs (above), and (b) accept who's responsible for filling them. Do you do
this in key inner and social conflicts? Are you teaching your kids to do
so?
Premise: key factors that affect the quality of your social
relationships are...
whether your
resident true Self
leads your
other subselves (personality), or is disabled by a
protective
false self;
Your
"awareness bubbles" - whose needs, thoughts, and feelings
you and the other person are usually aware of at any time;
how your governing subselves
rank each other's needs now and over time;
and..
whether you and your partners choose to use
the seven
communication skills
in
Lesson 2
to help each other identify and fill your current primary needs.
Here's an example.
You can choose to start developing yourawareness of these
vital relationship dynamics at any time - e.g. today!
For more premises about understanding and resolving relationship problems,
compare your beliefs to these.
To make all this abstraction more real and relevant, read these
three examples of digging down to discern
primary needs and responsibility for filling them. Then think of a current
"problem" (unfilled needs - discomforts) you have with an important adult or child, and
dig down to see what each of you really needs... Try it!
The
ideas above are pretty dry and theoretical. You're more likely to appreciate
their value if you try them. Here's an interesting way to do that...
Recall -
needs are emotional, spiritual,
and/or sensory discomforts
Adopt the
open mind of a student, and choose ~30" of undistracted time.
Check to see if your
true Self
is
guiding
your personality (other subselves). If not, try to discern which
other subselves are, and why they distrust your Self.
Breathe
well, let go of other concerns for now, and draw a vertical line
dividing a sheet of paper into two columns.
Reflect on
your current life and relationships, and finish this sentence out loud:
"Right now, I need ____." Don't edit or compute - write
any specific need that comes to mind in the left column of your paper.
Then repeat
this, and write down the next need. Repeat this until you "run dry,"
Notice how you feel declaring your needs - calm, anxious, guilty,
scornful... ? Do you allow yourself to be needy? If not, where
did you ge that attitude?
Look at
your list, and notice your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Option
- rank each of your needs from one (most important) to three (least
important).
Focus on
one need at a time, and dig down to uncover the primary
need/s "underneath" each one. Write it or them down in the right
column of your paper without editing.
Do this for
several or all of your needs, noticing your thoughts and feelings as you
do. Take your time!
When you
feel finished, try saying (the first (surface) need out loud. Then say
something like "No, what I really need is (the primary need/s)"
Recall that
problem solving
and conflict resolution are about identifying and filling your and a
partner's current primary needs "well enough."
Take each
primary need you've identified and ask yourself "What
do I need - specifically - in order to satisfy this need (reduce this
discomfort) well enough?"
Notice any
patterns that may emerge in your answers - e.g. "I need more self
confidence or respect," or "I need to feel more comfortable asserting my
needs to (who?)." If a primary need is something tangible (e.g. "I need
a good DVD player"), dig further. They usually are surface needs.
Option
- do this exercise with a partner, and
discuss the process and your learnings from it together.
Review the
summary of common primary needs above,
and see if you need to amend any of yours in the right column.
Option
- do this exercise several times in the next week when you're not
distracted, and see what you learn.
Consider
making this a family exercise - e.g. at meal time or afterward.
Notice in
your social contacts how seldom adults and kids are
aware
of (a) surface and primary needs, and (b) their current primary needs in
important relationships and situations.
Consider
journaling
about your experience and learnings from this exercise, and then read it
several weeks from now.
Notice what
you're thinking and feeling about identifying primary and secondary needs.
Then...
The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/parent/d_needs.htm
Premises