Answers
Q1) How can we ex mates give our kids and
ourselves the best chance for
long-term harmony and healing?
By choosing a long-range outlook (e.g. 25-30 years) and helping each other learn and apply
these
to your unique situation. Do this is to guard your
vulnerable descendents against inheriting the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
that
probably promoted your conflicts and divorce.
Specifically:
-
each of you for psychological
and commit to personal recovery as needed;
-
take each of these
to
see what you need to learn.
-
evaluate your relationship for any of these
and commit to reducing them together for all your sakes.
-
help each other improve your communication
effectiveness
Evolve an effective strategy to spot and resolve these three related
stressors.
-
yourselves for incomplete grief, and finish
it as needed. Help your family adults evolve a
family
-
if you may be in - or already are in - a
protect all of you from re/divorce by using the knowledge and tools in
Lessons 4 thru 7.
If either of you is
ruled by a protective
you'll probably ignore, discount, or sabotage this advice (Yes, but..."),
despite escalating family conflicts.
top
Q2)
My ex and I have
major disagreements over parenting issues, and we can't seem to find a
middle ground. Can we
improve this?
Yes!
Work at each step in Q1, emphsizing
progress on Lessons 1 and 2. As
you do, learn to analyze and
resolve each
disagreement, including these three stressors and these
Your kids need you to do this as
mutually-respectful
not opponents.
top
Q3)
My ex often
hangs up on
me when I try to discuss divorce or parenting issues. Can I do any- thing about this?
Yes. Repeated phone hang-ups usually mean your ex...
-
doesn't feel heard or respected, and/or...
-
needs to avoid expected arguing and
fighting) and/or...
-
feels forced to face
something that causes
unbearable
Follow the steps in
Q1 above, and...
-
read and apply
this and
this;
-
ask your ex to
study. discuss, and try
win-win
with you instead of arguing or avoiding;
-
accept that
and are not responsible for doing so. Be alert for
as part of the pain.
top
Q6)
My ex harasses me,
despite my protests and demands. What can I do?
Follow the steps in Q1 above. If they don't
meet enough of
your
with
your ex often enough,
-
adopt a long-range view - e.g. the next 25
years;
-
read about lose-lose
legal battles, and...
-
consult a licensed family-law attorney to learn your legal
rights and options.
I urge you to use legal force as a
last
resort, unless
you feel someone is in significant danger now.
top
Q7)
My ex is intentionally
biasing our kids against me, and vehemently denies it
and/or blames me for it. What can I do?
When a
separated or
mother or father acts intentionally or unconsciously to persuade
their child/ren to dislike, disrespect, distrust, and/or reject their other bioparent,
that may be a symptom of
Parental Alienation
Syndrome (PAS). That means...
one or both parents surely have
major false-self
from childhood
and/or
and
they don't (want to) know this, or what
to
about it;
so...
Until false-self wounds
are
and intentionally
they
guarantee you ex mats will (a) focus on and increase your mix of
surface
problems, and (b) unintentionally
their minor children.
Also, the parents...
probably don't know
and are
unconsciously using some mix of these common
which hinder cooperative
and/or...
one or both co-parents' behaviors are
based on toxic attitudes; and/or...
one or both parents are
blocked in
major
from their
partnership and family breakup, and they don't know this, or
how to
their mourning;
and/or...
the parents are following
misinformed advice from lay and professional people who don't know the four primary problems above.
Study
this
and
this, and
for perspective and solution-options.
top
Q8)
My ex ignores our
kids despite my requests and protests. What can I do?
First, consider what may be causing that behavior rather than
criticizing. When a custodial or non-custodial bioparent "ignores" a minor child, one or
more of these may be the cause:
From severe childhood
neglect, the parent is significantly
and cannot
("care")
- and his or her
doesn't want to know this or what to
and/or...
S/He
got so little effective
as a young child - specially from the same-gender par-ent - that s/he
literally does not know how to care for their child/ren and
is embarrassed to reveal that; and/or...
Wounds and ignorance
prevent the "disinterested"
parent from
(accepting) major losses from
their separation or divorce,
and s/he can't endure the
of contact with their
child/ren. This is specially likely if the custodial parent is
has a new partner who is step-parenting the bioparent's
child/ren; and/or...
The bioparent didn't really
want to conceive or parent one or more kids, and is avoiding the
overwhelming pain from relating to an unwanted son or daughter; and/or...
Contact with their child is
associated with (a) unbearable frustration and conflict with, and/ or (b) longing for the
custodial parent, which overcomes the absent parent's need for con-tact with their
kids.
Accusing such a mother or father of being
insensitive, selfish,
self-centered, a terrible parent, or similar is a
tragic mislabeling of these unseen primary problems. The "ignored" child/ren can't
understand this, and feel abandoned, hurt, sad, and shamed anyway.
Options:
Commit to working
patiently at the steps in Q1 above.
imagine
the "uncaring" bioparent as swathed in bloody bandages walking
with two canes, and shift blame or contempt for her or him to compassion - without sacrificing your needs,
limits, values, or
integrity. If you "can't do that,"
yourself for significant false-self
and take appropriate
honestly
if you are doing something that contributes
to the other parent's "indiffer-ence" (pain-avoidance). If so, assess what
prevents you (if anything) from changing your at-titude and/or behavior;
get clear on what you can
and cannot change, and
of expecting things
this troubled parent cannot provide without hitting
and
self-motivated
and...
follow your true
Self's wisdom about how and when to explain the ex's behavior to each
affected child. Don't be misled by a child saying their other parent's
disinterest "doesn't bother me." Kids' "indifference" to parental
disinterest (abandonment) is often protective emotional denial and/or
numbness.
top
Q9)
I believe my ex
spouse has significant
psychological problems, which stress all of us. What are my options?
"Significant psychological problems" are usually
symptoms of false-self
Either
(a) your
is
and your ex doesn't have "mental problems," or (b) s/he is ruled by a
false self and doesn't (want to) know it or what to
about it.
Options -
-
Work at the steps in Q1 above.
-
(re)read the intro to
Grown
Wounded Children and what being a GWC
means; Then...
-
If your ex has significant wounds, accept
that (a) s/he didn't cause them, and (b) can't change them or the
behaviors they cause until s/he hits
and may decide to
Use the wisdom from these ageless
practice
and enforcing your
with her or him respectfully, and avoid disparaging your ex to your kids
and others.
top
Q10)
My ex has a major
addiction which affects us all. S/He
vehemently denies this. What can I do?
Premise - all addictions are symptoms of (a)
family dysfunction and
(b) unseen protective
trying to medicate (numb,
distract from) intolerable
This is why
true addicts cannot
perma-nently change their behavior in response to "logic," pleading, threats,
blame, "reasoning," punishments, manipulations, hints, or accusations.
Study
this article for perspective, options, and
resources.
top
Q11)
My ex often ignores our legal parenting agreement, and makes excuses, denies this,
and/or
blames me and/or other people. Do I have options other than legal
force?
This behavior
is a surface
problem. Consider these options before calling an attorney, unless you judge someone's health or
safety to be at immediate risk:
-
Follow the steps in Q1 above.
-
review whether the
parenting agreement was really a joint agreement, or your ex mate feels
that it was imposed
by someone. Do
you feel s/he was clear on what s/he wanted, and asserted hon-estly for it? If
not, your ex's "violations" may be a way of expressing
resentment and frustration that the agreement doesn't really represent what
s/he
(or some other grievance).
If so...
adopt a long-range view
(e.g. 15 to 25 years),
review and validate your respective personal
rights,
work to discern
what
would help your ex feel safe to assert and negotiate fairly, and...
revise the
parenting agreement within your own limits and
needs.
-
explore
the possibility that your ex's behavior may be caused by (a) a
over
parenting and/or
money,
promoting
(b) a
and/or
(c) some relationship
If so, focus on resolving them vs. haggling over the parenting agreement.
-
Choose a
mutual-respect attitude, and ask your ex whether
you are doing
anything that motivates her or him to violate the agreement or order. Then
Doing this does not mean you agree.
-
recent communication
with your ex about the parenting agreement (or other conflicts) to see if that illuminates
ways to improve your problem-solving
-
to see whether you two see clearly
(a) what you
each need relative to
the parenting agreement, and (b) who's really
for filling each
need. If you disagree on this, you habve a values conflict.
-
Evaluate the pros and cons of using an
informed mediator or
to see
if they can help reduce your conflicts.
If no viable solution
appears from these options, (a) check to see if your
currently
your
(b) evaluate your long-term
and (c)
read
this article before hiring a family-law attorney to
force your ex to comply with the parenting agreement.
top
Q12)
My ex threatens to withhold visitation if I choose to date a new partner (or
do something else). I'm really torn! What can I do?
Commit to doing the sateps in Q1. For your kids' sakes,
inform your ex of what you're doing and why, and invite her or him to join
you in this work. I
top
Q13)
I suspect that my ex is
abusing our child/ren, but s/he denies it. What are my
options?
Abuse is an inflammatory concept and word
- aggression and/or
may be more accurate terms. People who don't know the
three requisites for true
can
accuse someone of it and increase
local conflict. Would you rather be publicly called
abusive or aggressive (or neither)?
Invest time and energy in following the steps in Q1, and
read this. Then see if you feel the same way. If you do...
-
increase your understanding by searching the Web for
"child abuse";
-
document and accumulate as much factual information (dates, times, specific incidents) about your ex's
abusive behavior as you can; and...
-
ask your local mental-health agency,
family-law attorney, and/or police for guidance
on your re-sponsibilities and options.
Unless immediate intervention is required for a child's
safety, they'll usually refer you to your state's Department of Child and
Family Services (DCFS), Child Protective Services (CPS), or equivalent. They'll
usually interview you, assign a case number
and case worker, and initiate a formal investigation. You may or may not remain
anonymous.
|
Note:
if a professional -
including your doctor, pharmacist, therapist, life-coach, child's teacher, and minister -
suspects that a child may be
an abuse victim, s/he's legally required to report that to appro-priate
authorities whether you OK that or not. |
If you're unsure whether a child is being abused, get as much specific
information as you can, and act anyway - specially if the abuse may
include sexual molestation.
Premise - any
significant
aggression, abuse, and/or neglect with kids or adults (including self-
or abuse) implies the person is
a
in denial.
Note: significantly-wounded people tend to unconsciously choose each other as partners
over and
over, until in true recovery -
so
are you significantly wounded too? See
top
Prior page
/ Lesson-4 links
The Web address of this
article is http://sfhelp.org/relate/qa/ex.htm
Q&A
about ex-mate relations