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This is one of a series
of lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. The ser-ies extends
the concepts in
Lessons 1-6, so study them first.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents and bioparents mana-ging a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Most lay and professional adults assume that average stepfamilies and intact
biofamilies are "fairly similar." Both family types
do
have
similarities - and
differ
in over 60 ways.
Average extended
(multi-gener-ational) stepfamilies differ more in structure from intact biofamilies than typical adoptive, foster, and same-gender families.
Neither family type is
better - they're different.
Family members and supporters must
understand how different stepfamilies are to form
realistic
expectations.Many
traditional intact-biofamily norms don't work well in normal multi-home stepfamilies!
This article
summarizes 35 biofamily - stepfamily structural differences. They promote
~30 unique family-adjustment tasks that
most biopeople don't face and steppeople aren't prepared for.
Another article summarizes how average stepfamilies are
like typical
intact biofamilies.
Option - before reading further, see how many structural
differences you can name...
This article assumes you're familiar with the
intro to this nonprofit
Web site, the premises
un-derlying it, and self-study Lessons
1 thru 7.
Are you?
Stepfamily-BiofamilyStructuralDifferences
"Structure" here refers to the
elements that make a family. "Family
dynamics" refers to how these elements interact.
Steppeople need learn and work together at many concurrent
merger tasks to meld and stabilize
their three or more biofamilies
over some years.
In reviewing this summary,
note the individual
differences and the collective impact of allof them on stepfamily
adults and kids. Follow the links for more detail on any difference after
scanning the whole table.
If
you're not interested in individual differences, the
point of listing them all is to document how
dif-ferent typical stepfamily structures are. This is a
key reason typical biofamily norms and expectations
are often not applicable to stepfamily life.
Structural Element
Typical
Nuclear Stepfamily
Typical Intact
Biofamily
1) Number of
co-parenting homes
Usually two or more homes link-ed
by legal documents, emo-tions, finances, genes, ancestry, shared
history, responsibilities, and memories
Usually one nuclear home
2) Children born prior to a co-parent choosing a (new) mate
One to six+ minor and/or
grown kids (his and/or hers)
Usually none
3) Number of
active co-parenting
adults
three or more:
you and me, your and/or my ex
mate/s, and (maybe) their new mate/s
One or two co-parents
4) Number of
absent
bioparents
One or more(if
a co-parent has kids
with several prior mates), living or dead
Usually none, unless jailed,
traveling extensively, or at war
8) Resident
and/or visiting minor kids; number of stepchildren
More: typically
2 to 6 stepkids + (maybe) 1 or more "ours" kids
Less:
usually 1 to 6 biokids; no stepkids or half-siblings
9) Physical
and legal biochild custody
Sole, joint, or split; usually subject
to legal decree/s and
parenting agreements often legally contes-ted
Shared;
usually no legal suits or
decrees
10)
Family size
and complexity
Bigger, more complex:
typically
50 to 100+ genetic
and legal mem-bers; often from different cultures
Smaller,
simpler: typically under
50 genetic and legal members (inlaws)
11)
Family variations (types)
Almost 100, considering co- parents'
death, divorce, marriage, parenting, and custody variations; Result:
"No one's like us -
we're alone"
One
("traditional"): mom, dad +
biokid/s; much more social normalcy, empathy, and support
12)
Adults' ages at (re)marriage
Older: typically 30-45+; wider age
differences; more life experience; partners may be more mature.
Younger: typically 18-30;
smaller age differences, less experience, less mature
13)
Mates' prior
family
rules and
rituals
(e.g. "who carves the turkey in this home?")
three or more sets: each mates'
birth-family, first marriage family, and absent-parent family/s
Usually two sets (each
spouse's birth family)
14)Mementos of
mates' prior union/s, and their kids' biofamily life
Many emotionally-loaded,
tangible and abstract reminders
None
15)
Major personal
tangible and abstract
losses
(broken
bonds) to mourn
Many: from divorce and re/ marriage
and cohabiting; for kids, parents, and close
relatives; many losses are involuntary
Far fewer due to
marriage. More losses are intentional choices
16) Spouses'
parenting values and styles (e.g. child discipline)
Pre-formed before re/wedding
and cohabiting; They often
conflict and need compromising
Evolved together over
years; differences are usually less stressful
17) Family
communication
and problem-solving
styles and skills.
Pre-formed; both intra and
inter-household style-conflicts are likely; compromises needed
Evolved togetherover
years
This is a LOT to digest, isn't it? We're about half done with
35 common structural differences be-tween typical stepfamilies and
intact biofamilies. Do you need a break
before continuing?
Structural
Element
Typical
Stepfamily
Typical
Intact Biofamily
18) Possible
"outsider"
family- interference or support
More interference: ex-mate/s
+ their new partners (if any); + courts; + bio and step relatives
Less: bioparent/s
and relatives
19)Prior adult and child
divorce experiences
Usual (~90%) on one or both
"sides" of the new stepfamily, unless prior mate/s died
None; a co-parent's parents
or siblings
may have been divorced
20) Caregivers'
legal
parenting rights and responsibilities re minor kids' school / health / custody
/ etc. (varies by State)
Fewer and less clear
rights (step-parents and step-grandparents); responsibilities are more confu-sing; A legal
parenting agreement may exist which excludes any step-parents
More and clearer
rights
(biopar-ents and bio-grandparents); re-sponsibilities far clearer. No legal documents to
negotiate, enforce, or litigate
21) Prenuptial legal
agreement/s about asset and debt ownership if mates (re)divorce
More common; symbolizes
the real possibility of re/divorce; Can pro-mote major
loyalty conflicts
Uncommon
unless one or both spouse/ are very wealthy
22) Folklore /
social
image / common descriptive adjectives
More negative
image: deficit- based; "blended" / "wicked
(step-moms)" / second best / "unreal" / "unnatural," / "minority" /
"non- traditional"/ abnormal
More positive image:
intact bio-families are "regular" / "normal" / "natural" /
"real" (family) / "tradi-tional"
23) Marital
(a)
experience and doubts, and (b) commitmentand hope
More experience and realism, so more doubts
probable - specially if there were prior divorce/s; Commit-ment may be higher
More idealism,
fewer
doubts; commitment (usually) high, unless marrying because of duty (responsibility), guilt, or fear
24)
Incest taboo:
Odds of sexual
abuse or inappropriate intra-family attractions or actions
Higher
odds; attractions may occur between
stepparent and stepchild, and/or
(teen) stepsibs
Lower
odds;
the incest taboo seems
to grow from family mem-bers living together since kids' infancy
Up
to 30 roles; less role clarity: norms learned "on
the job" - few social guides; role stress (anxiety / overwhelm) more likely
Up to 15 family roles;
norms widespread, learned over years since childhood; many social guides
26) Co-parents'
self-confidence in, and
authority to, discipline minor kids
Initially
unequal: stepparents
may (vs. will)
earn authority over time; Discipline values
and styles existed
before commitment vows, and often conflict.
Usually equal, if both
parents wish; discipline styles and values evolve over years together
27) Last Names
Re-wedded biomom's
last names may differ
from
their kids'; Without adoption,
typical stepsibs have different last names
Adults and kids usually
all
have the same last name, so less chance of identity and loyalty
(priority) confusions
28) First names
Higher odds two people will have the same
name - e.g. two co-parents, or "his" and "her" Sarahs;
can be confusing!
Usually different, unless parents name a child
after one of them or a relative - e.g. "Michael Jr."
29) Minor or grown
child/ren'spresence (resident and/or visiting)
More stressful;
this is the most commonly quoted
surface reason for stepfamily
stress and re/divorce. The next is money.
Less stressful; kids presence usually strengthens bioparents'
bond and spousal commitment
Structural
Element
Typical
Stepfamily
Typical
Intact Biofamily
30) (Three-generational )
members' definitions of "whobelongsto my family?"
Less clear: definitions
usually differ
in and between linked stepfamily homes, causing confusions and
inclusion/ exclusion conflicts
Definitions are clearer and
more consistent: major membership disagreements are less common
31) Family-member
loyalty,
bonding, and cohesion
Initially, pseudo
(pretended) or little
among merging families; may
or
may
improve with time; significantly
more fragile
Generally muchstronger
through-out the family life-cycle; they usually transcend
personal and family traumas
Theory:
higher odds of major
trauma (e.g. emotional / spiritual deprivations,
abuses, and
neglect) for both mates. If true, this is often denied to
one's self
and others
Theory: lower odds of low family nurturance and psychological wounds, unless the family is
chro-nically troubled.
34) Family nurturance level
now - how often adults
and kids get most of their
primary needs met well enough:
Probably lower, because of more people, conflicts, and adjustment
needs, and the complexity of stepfamily
mergers.
Probably higher
on average, because there are fewer people, conflicts, and family-adjustment
needs and losses.
35)
Human-service
professionals' accurate knowledge of basic fami-ly norms, traits, realities, stressors, and dynamics
Lower. Most legal, media,
clergy, education, and counseling professionals have no
informed stepfamily training. Common
error: "stepfamilies are pretty much like biofamilies"
Higher:
Clergy, doctors, family law-yers and judges, educators, coun-selors, and their supervisors
are more often trained and experien-ced in biofamily norms and dyna-mics
These structural family differences
generate stepfamily-unique adjustment tasks. These are often...
concurrent,
recurring (e.g.
if "the other" ex remarries), and...
add to "normal" personal, home, and
family life tasks.
Typical courting and newly-committed partners and their supporters aren't
expecting or prepared for these adjustment tasks.
This
causes significant stress in and between family homes, until co-parents learn "what's
normal" by trial and error, and correct their
expectations. This often takes
four or more years
after committing and cohabiting, as co-parents slowly
merge their
several multi-generational biofamilies.
Pause. breathe, and reflect - what are you thinking and feeling now? Have
you ever seen a comparison like this before? What
did you just learn? Is there someone else you feel should study and discuss these
35 structural differences?
Recap
This Leeson-7 article aims to show you specifically how different
average stepfamilies are from typi-cal intact biofamilies. These are only
half the differences - the others are development tasks and family
dy-namics. Knowledge and acceptance of all these ~60 differences will
help your family members form realis-tic role and relationship expectations,
and avoid much stress!
+ + +
Complete
this comparison by reviewing the ~ 30task differences between
average stepfamilies and intact biofamilies. Then continue working on Lesson
7 with your family adults.
The
Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/sf/basics/compare.htm
What's
the Problem?
Complete
this comparison by reviewing the ~ 30 