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This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles on how to
evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. The series extends
the concepts in Lessons 1-6, so study them first.
These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
qua-lified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/
divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
One of five reasons for
our tragic U.S.
re/divorce
epi-demic is lay and professional
unawareness (vs. stu-pidity). Part of this unawareness is not knowing
the stepfamily basics summarized below.
Other parts are
co-parents and supporters not know-ing life-skill,
communication, and effective-grieving basics. See which of the
factors below are new to
you, and note your reactions to
them... If you seek American
stepfamily statistics, go
here
(different Web site).
To raise your awareness, rank yourself now: on a scale of one (I know
nothing about stepfamilies) to 10 (I am a highly qualified stepfamily
expert) I am now a ___.
+ + +
This article assumes you're familiar with...
the
intro to this Web site
and the premises underlying
it
FROM 30 years' professional research and clinical and personal
experience, this Lesson-7 arti-cle provides a summary of important facts
(not statistics) about typical multi-home stepfamilies. Step-people and
their supporters need to appreciate all these facts in order to make
realistic expectations about their roles, relationships, and dynamics.
Few couples are motivated to learn these facts before committing to form or
join a complex, stressful stepfamily. Over half of American remarriers with
prior kids ultimately divorce.
Notice which of these facts differ from what you currently believe...
Key Stepfamily
Facts
Our prefix "step-" comes
across a thousand years from the Middle English root "stoep." William
the Con-queror's subjects used that root to describe "not related by
marriage." Shame-based, unaware
people dis-like "step-" because they associate it with second best, prior
marital failure, inferiority, unnatural, abnor-mal, and unreal. Such people use
blended, bonus, woven, bi-nuclear, co-, reconstituted, combined,
recon-structed, second (family), and serial and encore (remarriage) to avoid
unpleasant reality.
Using terms like these promotes toxic denial of stepfamily
identity,
hazards, roles, and realities.
A stepfamily has at
least one stepmom or stepdad providing part-time or full-time
nurturing, protection, and guidance to one or more minor
or
grown kids conceived by the stepparent's partner and a
prior mate.
Stepfamilies are normal.
They've been around as long as tribal members raised the children of dead,
absent, or
disabled bioparents. They've probably been the majority family type across
centuries and cul-tures, until modern health care has greatly reduced the
global human mortality rate this past century.
Thereare over 100
structural types of normal
multi-home
stepfamily,considering combinations of...
child custody - sole, joint, physical, and legal;
parenthood (no prior kids, one or
more prior sons and/or daughters; one or more "ours" kids, or
none; prior kids dead; kids dependent or grown; teenagers or none;
stepparent adoption or not;...)
co-parents' prior marital status -
never married, divorcing, redivorced, and/or widowed; and...
stepkids' other
bioparent's status - living or dead, single and never remarried,
single and re/divorced, re/married with or without resident and/or
visiting minor/teen/grown stepkids;...
So unlike traditional
intact-biofamily members, typical stepfamily adults and kids will never
meet peo-ple in a similarly-structured family.That often promotes
feeling isolated, alone, and "weird." These and co-parent
psychological wounds can promote harmful
denials ("We're
not a stepfamily") and repressions - which foster
unrealistic expectations, confusions,
disappointments, frustrations, and conflicts - i.e. stress.
Typical
multi-home stepfamilies are the same as average
intact biofamilies in some ways, and differin up to
35 structural ways and ~30 unique
family-adjustment tasks. The role of stepparent is the same a
bioparent in some ways, and
different in almost 40 social and
environmental ways. Most steppeople and sup-porters are unaware of these
combined differences and what they mean.
About
90% of U.S. stepfamilies follow the
divorce
of one or both new mates. A brief century ago, ~90% followed the death of one or both mates' prior partners. One implication - most
stepfamilies must include the needs, values, and opinions of one or more ex
mates and their relatives.
American stepfamily couples
are more apt to differ widely in age,
race, religion, ethnic ancestry, finan-cial
assets and debts, and educational level than
typical first-time couples. Stepfamily wives are more apt to be older than
their husbands than in first marriages;
A typical
stepchild may...
Have three or more
co-parents
(a divorced biomom and biodad, and a stepmom, stepdad, or both), living
in two homes;
Have
zero to 8
living stepfamily co-grandparents, and a proportionately large number of
step-aunts, uncles, cousins, and other relatives;
Have biosiblings, stepsiblings, and/or
half-siblings
in the same home, in their other bioparent's home, in both, or none of
these;
May be
legally adopted
by their stepmother, their stepfather, both, or neither. Most U.S.
steppar-ents don't adopt;
May have the same
first name
as a stepsibling and/or their same-sex stepparent, and may have
a different last name than their re/married biomother;
May receive no
bequest if a stepparent
dies without a will, even if they were emotionally close for many years;
And typical stepkids may...
Feel sexually
attracted (or attractive) to a resident or visiting
stepsibling, and/or a young stepparent, because the incest taboo
is weaker in average stepfamilies. The odds of American stepdaughter
incest by a step-relative are higher than for biodaughters and
biorelatives;
Change
primary residence
to live with their other bioparent sometime before they're 18. This
hap-pens in about 30% of typical U.S. stepfamilies, creating waves of
emotional, financial, structural, legal and lifestyle changes in and
between both homes;
Have up to
35 concurrent
adjustment
needs from childhood trauma, parental divorce and remarri-age/s,
and becoming a stepchild, on top of normal
developmental needs- often with little informed guidance
from family adults, teachers, relatives, or others. This significantly
complicates effective co-parenting, compared to bioparenting.
A
universal need (for all bonded family members) is to grieve
many significant abstract and physical losses
(broken bonds) over many months. Kids' mourning progress largely de-pends
on their family's unspoken
grieving policy, which can range from healthy to toxic.
Pause, breathe, and back away from all these details. How many of
these facts did you know before reading this summary? How many typical
steppeople and family professionals do you think are aware of them?
Recap
This article summarizes some key facts about typical multi-home
stepfamilies. The article exists because most steppeople and supporters are
unaware of these facts, and form unrealistic expectations.
Healthy stepfamilies offer members the same priceless benefits as
high-nurturance intact biofamilies. Most people are unaware of vital facts
about stepfamily life, so achieving these benefits is very
challenging.
The biggest unawareness is of this toxic in-herited
cycle and
the resulting five
ha-zards it causes! Lessons 1-7 here aim to guard your
family against them.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's
answering
these questions - your
true Self,
or
''someone else''?
The
Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/sf/basics/facts.htm
Key Stepfamily
Facts
Recap
