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- evolve and enjoy a high-nurturance stepfamily |
Make a Family
Map (Genogram)
to See Who You All
Are - p. 1 of 2 By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member,
NSRC Experts Council
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 The
Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/sf/basics/geno.htm
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This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. This series extends
the concepts in Lessons 1-6, so study them first. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
To get the most from this article, first read...
 Family
Maps:
a Powerful Tool
A
family map or genogram
graphically shows all the living and dead people who genetically, emo-tionally,
and legally comprise a
family. It may include three or more generations of family members, and show where
each person "fits" in the group.
With extra information and symbols, these
maps
can show family alliances, conflicts, relationship
cutoffs, bonding strengths, and other important factors that
help describe the family’s
and dyna-mics. Family
maps can be specially
helpful for new stepfamily members who wonder "Who are we all now?"
Genograms
and
are useful visual tools to help understand and manage your related
stepfamily
homes.
If you've never heard of a
family map,
you may wonder why bother? Basically, most intact biofamilies are
much simpler than typical stepfamilies, and have less need for this tool.
This
mapping concept can also be very helpful for people wanting to
assess their
family trees for symptoms of inherited psychologi-cal
To start,
view this sample map. Refer to it as you read the suggestions below.
This is a partial
genogram of a real six-co-parent, three-co-parenting-home stepfamily. It
shows about half the members (!). Most information (names, dates, death
causes, etc.) is omitted for simplicity. There are over 60 people here,
and some are left out!
How
to Map Your Family
Use the following suggestions to discover your own mapping style...
 Symbol Conventions
Here are some
"standard" symbols to use in making your family map. If these
don’t fit for you, enjoy inventing your own!
Use ~3/4" circles for females, and squares
for males. Crosshatch or color these for extra-im-portant people (important to whom?).
Use dashed circles and squares, or slashed or "X’d" symbols, to
represent dead, missing, or psychologically-detached people;
Horizontal
solid lines show legal marriages, and dashed lines to show committed unmarried
primary
relationships, and important friendships, dependencies, hero/ines, and
supporters. A horizontal line with a ----//---- or ----X---- can
indicate a psychological or legal divorce;
Vertical or slanted
solid lines show genetic
connections. Dashed slanted lines can show adoptions, foster parents, or other
special adult-child relationships. Option - use double, triple,
or colored lines to indicate the importance or relative strength of the
connection between two people.
Zigzag, double, or wavy lines can symbolize
strong
emotional, legal, financial, or other kinds of current relationship connections, including
lust, grief, anger, fear, and "hatred." If helpful, add symbols like "+" and "-"
to show
friendship, love, hostility, and/or fear;
Draw an "X" through a circle or square to indicate
death.
Include names, dates, pets, extra-important current friends,
sponsors, or authorities, major illnesses and disabilities, addictions, arrows for
child
visitations,
and any other symbolic or text information that adds clarity and meaning to your map.
OK, now you have
some raw materials. What do you do with them?
Mapping Steps and Options
-
Have each of your co-parents
draw their own map
of at least three generations, including genetic-ally, financially, or
psychologically influential dead people. You’ll discover more if you
don’t
draw your maps together! Then...
-
Explain the map-making purpose and steps to your
minor and grown kids and invite them to draw their own diagrams
(alone). Options - suggest they use stick figures and/or
cartoon faces to do this.
-
You can do this exercise any time (and
often) as your complex stepfamily
progresses over many years.
Family maps can be specially useful around
major family-change events like wed-dings,
births, graduations, separations and divorces, home-leavings, job or
location changes, adoptions, retirements, and deaths.
Check your initial attitude.
Be open-minded, curious, and give yourself permission to believe
"there’s no right or wrong" in anyone’s map. Everyone has a right to
their own opinion and definitions. Avoid manip-ulating or demanding
family members to include or exclude people, and be alert for
significant
and
conflicts and relationship
Expect your members’
maps to disagree - that’s normal in typical stepfamilies.
Discovering such
values conflicts promotes
admitting and resolving important
conflicts, and strengthening your multi-home stepfamily's
bonds,
loyalties, and
over time.
Use a BIG piece of paper -
e.g. at least two
8.5" x 11" sheets taped together. These diagrams get very complex!
Take your time! Expect evolving your
family diagram to take an hour
or more - perhaps over several sittings. The more undistracted focus and attention you
invest in creating your map, the more you’ll learn.
Consider journaling about your map-making process.
The
thoughts and emotions that bloom while you’re making this map and discussing
it with others are just as valuable as the diagram.
The map itself is not the
objective here. The real payoffs are what you all feel and learn as you
draw and talk about your family!
To avoid having to re/draw or cramp
you map,
create it in three
stages:
-
Co-parents
(bioparents and stepparents), then...
-
minor and grown kids, then...
-
bio and step relatives, and
other emotionally-important people. Here's how...
Lay your paper long-side horizontal.
Start in the center, about 1/3rd from the bottom edge.
Use to lightly
sketch in this first three-generational draft. Novice mappers often find after
30" that their first draw-ings are too cramped, and they have to start over to make
more room for all the symbols, notes, and other info. Give yourself lots of space!
Draw a ~3/4" circle or square
for you, and a short horizontal solid (if married) or dashed line to another
symbol for your current partner. Put your current ages inside the symbols, and next to
them note the name/s you're each called now.
Next, on the same level add horizontal solid
lines from your symbols to new squares and circles for each of your co-parenting ex
mates (your stepkids' other bioparent/s), whether alive or dead. If
you’ve been married several times, or had children with several adults,
draw in each
of your kids' other bioparents.
If you’re divorced or widowed without
biokids, only include your ex if they, or any of their relatives, have
"significant" emotional, legal, or financial meaning to you now. If you’ve
divorced, "X" the middle of the line connecting your symbol to your ex's -
unless there’s still a "significant" love/hate (or just
"hate") rela-tionship. In that case you’re still
psychologically bonded - a
frequent major stressor in many stepfamilies!
If your former partner died, draw
a slash or "X" through their symbol, and note the approximate date and perhaps
the cause of their death.
If any co-parenting ex mate is seriously
dating, cohabiting, or has re/married, add horizontal lines from that ex-mate’s
symbol to new circles or squares for their current partner. If they’ve re/divorced
or rejected an adult who still has emotional importance to any child of yours or your
partner’s, include that adult’s symbol, and anyone related to them who’s
still emotionally important to your child (or to you).
You’ve just drawn
the co-parents’ row
of your genogram. How many
co-parents are there in your stepfamily so far? There should be at least three...
How many homes do they live in? How do you ho-nestly feel about including each one as a
full member of your stepfamily? Take a moment to journal your
without editing now for later reflection and discussion.
Take your time! Now...
Draw a ~3/4"
square or circle for each living biochild, about 2" or 3" below their custodial
bioparent’s symbol. If the child is living on their own, draw their symbol
anywhere below your co-parent row. Include circles and squares and connector lines for
their spouses, kids, and/or any current key emotional part-ners.
Put their current
age inside their circle or square, and note their first name, and/or nickname/s.
Add
their last name, because steppeople - even in the same home - often have different last
names (which can diffuse a sense of home and stepfamily "togetherness").
Now connect each biochild’s symbol
with solid slanted lines to the horizontal line between their bioparents. If
any custodial child currently visits the home of their other bioparent regularly, add
dashed horizontal arrows and dashed-line biochild symbols under the other bioparent to
show this.
Next, add a symbol under the appropriate
bioparent/s for each dead and/or absent (e.g. adopted) biochild
(i.e. aborted, miscarried, stillborn, or killed). If such an absent child is
(emotionally released) by
all
living genetic relatives, draw their symbol with dashed lines, with a slash
or "X." If you feel they’re
well grieved yet, make their symbol-lines solid. Lesson 5 here is about
"good grief."
If
the child is dead, put a slash or "X" through their circle or square, and write in their age
at death. If the gender of an aborted child wasn’t known, use a diamond as a symbol.
If
you haven’t included a sym-bol for each child's other bioparent, add one for them now
on or near the horizontal co-parenting row. Note the date and cause of the child’s
death. Each such "missing" child is
usually a psychologically-powerful absent family member long
after their death or departure.
Next, include symbols, full names, and ages for
each emotionally-important past or current adopted or foster child,
if any. Add any other relevant data you feel would be helpful about them - like birthdays,
prior homes, school grade, key interests, ...
Draw separate symbols for both of their birth
(bio)parents, even if they aren’t currently known or ac-tively co-parenting.
They’re surely of major genetic, ancestral, and psychological importance to their child, even if the
importance is repressed or denied. Double check: look at each adult on your
co-par-enting row (including each co-parenting ex-mate’s new or recent partner/s), and
ask "have we included each known living and dead child of theirs?"
You’ve just added the "children’s row" to your
genogram. Note your feelings, and any thoughts and questions that come up. Write these
down for later reflection. There’s more to come! Recall:
this is a dis-covery exercise
- payoffs feel like "aha"s, "wow"s, and "Hmm"s…
Now that you've sketched in the co-parents'
and kids' rows of your stepfamily genogram, you're ready to take...
Step 4)
Add Significant Biological and Step Relatives, and Others
Draw
circle-and-square symbols about 6-8" above your own symbol, representing your
biomother and biofather. Connect these symbols with a solid horizontal line if they
were married, or a dashed line if they weren’t. If they divorced or separated, note
that with an "X" or " // " on this connector line, with the approx-imate
date. If either is dead, put a slash or "X" through their symbol, and note the
date and cause of their death.
Add your bioparent’s ages now, or at death, and any
nicknames they were/are known by to you and any grandkids. If either of your bioparents
re/married or had a child with another partner, draw symbols and solid or dashed
connector-lines for each of those adult partners and children. Add their names and ages
to your diagram, and any other info you feel is relevant.
Below the horizontal connector-line linking your
bioparents’ symbols, draw down slanted solid lines to new circles and squares for
each of your living and dead genetic brothers and sisters. Locate them
about 1/3rd of the way between the
grandparents’ row and your co-parents
row.
If these sibs are or were married, add symbols and horizontal connector lines for
each of their past and present partners, and slanted lines down to symbols
for each living and dead child of theirs. These are your kids’ aunts,
uncles, and cousins - and your stepkids’ step-relatives. Add full names and
nicknames, ages, and any other relevant information like major illnesses, disabilities,
addictions, "in college," "state track champ,"
"Peace Corps," or "in the Army."
Repeat this multi-level
"ancestor" step of your genogram for each of your two or more other
co-par-ents,
one at a time. Stay focused on your goal here, for this can feel tedious and
overwhelming:
you’re aiming to represent all the people who comprise the
web of genetic and emotionally-important relationships that currently form
your whole multi-home, multi-generational stepfamily now.
To guard against overlooking a
family member,
stand in the imaginary shoes of each co-parent, and ask yourself "Honestly,
who do I count as my genetic and psychological family now - even living and dead relatives I
‘hate’ or have ‘no relation’ with?"
Add names, ages, and any
other relevant information. Include any fourth-generation people like great-grandmothers
or great-uncles, of high current emotional significance to any of your
co-parents
or minor or grown children, whether living or dead. They count!
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Final
check: one at a time, slip into the skin, mind, and heart of each minor and grown
child. Ask "Is everyone I have strong ( + and - ) feelings about on this map
now?" If any adults or kids are missing to any child - even if you
don’t feel they belong - add symbols and connector lines for them now. |
If you’re satisfied that
everyone who
is an emotionally, genetically, and legally significant member of your stepfamily - as
judged by each co-parent and each grown and dependent child, not you alone
-
is in-cluded now, darken the lines of all symbols and connector lines with a pen or
soft pencil. The structure of your stepfamily map is now done.
Pause,
breathe, and note your
Try to be objective about your map, as though you were a
reporter or scientist. Personal and family
awarenesses and insights are the
real harvest of this vital project.
Step 5) Genogram
Options
As a finishing
touch, use different colored pens or markers to circle, asterisk, or note:
-
adults and kids you feel have
significant false-self
-
the
of each home in your stepfamily (Low > Moderate > High)
-
stepfamily members whom
you don't accept but others do;
-
adults and/or kids who aren’t
accepted by other stepfamily
members;
-
strong antagonisms (use zigzag lines "wwww" to connect their symbols) or favoritisms and
alliances (use double-parallel ====== connector lines) between
pairs of
members;
-
kids and adults who don’t want to be included in
your stepfamily
now;
-
members who deny or don’t realize that you all form a normal multi-home, multi-generational
now;
-
adults and
kids who may not have fully
the losses
(broken bonds) from prior family reorganization from divorces and/or
deaths;
-
major
and/or relationship
between three or more members
-
any adults or kids whom you feel are currently addicted; and …
-
who
leads (a) each member's home and (b) this whole multi-home,
multi-generational
family now.
-
(add your own item/s)
 Next: review ways to
use your
completed stepfamily diagram. Do you need a break before continuing?
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Updated
March 06, 2010
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