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This is one of a series of lesson-7 arti-cles
on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfa-mily. The
series extends the concepts in Lessons 1-6, so study them first. These articles
augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and
re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first
union.
"Co-parents" means
both bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home
nuclear stepfamily.
This
article explores...
What's the problem?
Why accepting
your stepfamily iden-tity
is essential, and...
My
experience as a full-time professional stepfamily researcher and
therapist since 1981 suggests...
widespread lay and
professional ignorance about what a stepfamily is;
many people feel
stepfamilies and step people are inferior, irregular, abnormal, and
"unnatural;"
many authors and
program leaders try to dodge the negative association of "step-" by
using adjec-tives like second (family), bonus, co-,
reconstituted, reconstructed, and rem(arried). This reinforces
the myth of stepfamily inferiority;
members of stepfamilies
commonly minimize or deny their identity as a normal stepfamily, or they say "We are a stepfamily," but they don't (want to) know
what that means;and...
many lay and professional
people believe up to 60mythsabout normal
multi-home
stepfamilies and their members. In other words, they live from an
array of erroneous expectations based on intact biofamily
structures and dynamics.
Bottom line - many people ignore, deny, and reject their identity
as a normal stepfamily ["Why no - we're just a regular (bio)family."].
So they encounter great trouble avoiding or resolving stressful step-
role and relationship
problems
because they have unrealistic expectations.
This is surface problem.
Three Real
Problems
Premise - The basic problem is
the prevalence of psychological wounds in adults in divorcing and re/ married families
and in typical human-service professionals. These wounds are usually denied
or trivial-ized. They promote step-identity denial by...
protectively
distorting reality
(e.g. ignoring that stepfamilies are verydifferent
than intact biofamilies, and that U.S. re/divorces exceed first
divorces),
step-mates longing for
the ideal family they never had as a child,
hindering healthy
grieving of divorce or death-related losses (broken bonds); and...
excessive shame ("our
family is inferior!") and parental guilt ("I'm raising our kids in
an inferior family!")
The second root problem is
ignorance
- lackoflay and professional knowledge of the topics
in this online
course, anddenial of the impact of this ignorance
on families and our society.
The deepest problem is
public denial of the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle that is
inexorably spreading in our culture.
That manifests by our passively condoning unqualified child conceptions
and flaw-ed parenting, which produces low-nurturance families and
psychological wounds.
Pause and reflect Have you ever encountered these ideas about stepfamily
identity before? Do they seem credible to you?
Managing Stepfamily-identity Conflicts
The goals here are to get all your
adults and kids to (a) understand what a stepfamily is, (b) accept "We are a normal stepfamily,"
and (c) motivate
them to learn what your step identity means to you all, so you can
(d) evolve realistic role and relationship expectations and minimize stress.
The best time to
begin work toward these goals is during courtship - before deciding whether
to form or join a stepfamily. If you didn't, doing these steps
can still be valuable:
1) Co-parents prepare to
unify your stepfamily
2) Rank your
combined family members in importance to you mates and your kids
3) Define the
criteria you'll use to assess your relatives' step-identity acceptance
4) Assess your
key relatives' step-acceptance and knowledge
5) Motivate
resistant or unaware relatives to (a) accept your identity and (b) change any
stepfamily myths into realistic expectations
6)
Teach your kids about their step-identity and what it means to all of
you;
More detain on each of these:
1) Prepare
to Assess and Unify
Mates commit to
progress on Lessons 1 thru 7 in this nonprofit site, and expect to invest
several months doing so. If you
ignore or minimize this essential learning, you're probably controlled by a
false self, and the rest of this article will be of little benefit.
When you've progressed "enough" on these vital Lessons, you each should be able
to answer most of these
questions
without researching.
# Status check: T = true, F = false,
and “?” = “I’m not sure,” or “it depends…” (on what?)
My
partner and I agree now on what
a stepfamily is (T F ?)
I
solidly acceptthat my mate and
I, all our minor and grown kids, and all their bioparents, stepparents,
and legal and blood kin, are
members of a multi-home stepfamily. (T F ?)
My
partnerfully accepts that we
all are members of a normal stepfamily now. (T F ?)
We bothregularly use the wordsstepfamily, stepparent, stepson(daughter), stepmother(father), and
step-grandparent in our social communications. (T F ?)
We each
(a) can name at least 10
of the
60 differences between stepfamilies and intact biofamilies, and
(b)
we can describe what these differences mean to our adults and kids. (T F ?)
My mate
and I (a) accept thatstepfamilies are verydifferent than intact biofamilies, and
(b)weare actively seeking to learn “what’s normal” in a
stepfamily like ours. (T F ?)
My
partner and I solidly agreethat
our kids’ other bio- and stepparents’ dignity, needs, values,
and rights are just as important as ours. (T F ?)
I feel some mix of calm,
centered, energized, light, focused, resilient,
up, grounded, re-laxed, alert, aware, serene,
purposeful, and clear, so
my
true Self is probably leading my
personality
now. (T F ?)
Pause,
breathe, and notice your
thoughts and emotions. What are you aware of now? If you answered “T(rue)” to all these items
and "passed" the quiz questions, then...
2) Rank Your
Stepfamily Members
Rank-order your stepfamily members
by impact on (a) your
wholistic health, (b) your primary relationship if any; and on (c) the
nurturance of
minor kids and grandkids in your several related households.
Suggested ranking, from high
to low impact:
your potential or current mate, if any.
your kids' other bioparents (exmates) and
any new partners of theirs. If you balk at including any ex
mates as full stepfamily members,
read this
and return here.
your, your mate's, and your ex-mates' living
parents (co-grandparents);
any family teens or grown children,
your respective adult siblings and any
partners,
any influential aunts, uncles, and
their grown kids; and finally...
any influential family mentors, like clergy, counselors, and key friends.
3)
Define Your Criteria
With
your partner, decide how to judge which relatives accepts your stepfamily
identity, For example:
I now believe this
adult or older child…
1) can _ accurately describe what "a
stepfamily" is, and _ can name at least five main
dif-ferences
between a stepfamily and an intact biological family.
And
s/he...
2)
_ realizes that if I
commit to my partner (or when we co-committed), we will (did) form a normal
multi-home
stepfamily;
and s/he knows what that
means; And s/he...
3) accepts without doubt that…
each of our minor and grown children's bioparents and stepparents
is a full member of our multi-home
nuclear stepfamily; and
that…
each genetic or legal
relative of each of our three or more co-parents is a full
member of our
multi-generational stepfamily whether
they agree or not. Take your time answering this one!
If someone doesn't fully accept these realities, they don't
really
understand what a stepfamily is, and/or they have some major psychological issues
to resolve.
And this person
now agrees that…
4) ifan
adult's or child's behaviors, feelings, genes, and attitudes have significant effects
on other members, s/he is a full functional member of our stepfamily
whether s/he wants to be included
or not. And this person...
5)
freely uses
stepfamily
role-titles to talk about our members in public
and at home - e.g. stepmother (father); stepdaughter (son);
stepbrother (sister);
ourstepfamily (or equivalent); etc.
Considering these
five factors, I (or we) see this child or adult as clearly accepting our
identity as a normal multi-home stepfamily now.
Wounded, uninformed people who are
uneasy about or ashamed of being in a stepfamily may choose evasive
"family"
adjectives like blended, second, bonus, restructured, co-, and
reconstituted, to avoid the unpleasant connotations of "step-" (e.g.
second best, inferior, abnormal, weird, and unna-tural.)
RED LIGHT!!!
Keep
your step-identity criteria simple and neutral, and note that
vague
answers ("I dunno - never thought about it."),
ambivalence ("I'm
not sure.") and direct denials ("NO, we are not a stepfamily!") usually indicate false-self
wounds and unawareness. RED LIGHT!!
Next, use your ranking and criteria to...
4)
Assess Your Relatives' Status
Starting with your mate, parents, and older kids, use your criteria to judge
(a) who accepts your stepfamily identity and (b) knows what it means. That might sound like "Uncle Walt, do you agree that when
I married Marla, that made us all a step-family, and made you a
step-uncle to her kids?" If you're uneasy about asking, there's probably
some other unfinished business worth problem-solving...
If you do
ask relatives,
be ready to explain why
you're asking. It's a chance to do some useful step-family education. If "Uncle Walt" (or whoever) asks "Why is that important?"
say you're
working to avoid family problems and to build a high-nurturance stepfamily.
Repeat this evaluation with the
rest of your stepfamily members per your ranking of their importance. Stay
aware that this is not a hunt to determine who's "wrong," but who may have stress-provoking expec-tations about your
stepfamily relationships and dynamics.
You'll probably end up with relatives who...
genuinely accept your stepfamily identity,
and have a good idea of what it
means,
and others who...
accept your "step-ness" and don't
know what it means; and other adults and teens who...
are uncertain, vague, or ambivalent about
your identity and what it means, and..
some kinfolk who flatly reject or "don't
care" about being in a stepfamily.
Some re/marrying co-parents and kin are already in stepfamily because
they're an adult stepchild, or because their ex or a sibling has committed
to someone with existing (prior) kids. If true for you, this
step-family-identity issue may have already come up. Even if your
relatives agree on your clan's "step-hood," your partner's kin
(including "ex in-laws") may not have agreed on (a) who you all are yet,
and/or (b) on what step-hood
means
to you all.
Now that you've gathered this information, what
can you do with it?
5) Promote Stepfamily
Awareness and Knowledge
You have two choices: (a) wait for some significant family role or
relationship problems to occur, or (b) try to prevent such problems.
Either way, you'll need to confront "resistant" relatives on the reality of
your stepfamily identity, and their unrealistic expectations.
Keep your perspective: the real
issues causing denial or indifference to your being a normal step-family
are:
(a) unseen or denied psychological wounds, and (b) ignorance of what the wounds mean, and of the cycle that
spreads them; and...
relatives' unawareness of Lessons 1
thru 7 here, and perhaps...
believing misinformed or ignorant
"authorities."
In
my clinical experience since 1979, many reputable, clergy, psychiatrists,
counselors, case work-ers, attorneys, mediators, judges, and family and
marital therapists, doctors, and authors don’t know stepfamily basics
(e.g. Lesson 7) - but they think they do. For instance,
they may say with conviction that you’re not a stepfamily if…
your kids are all
grown and independent;
a new spouse legally
adopts their mate’s biokids;
co-parents have an
“ours” baby;
your prior mate is
dead or “uninvolved;” and/or…
you legally change kids’ last
names.
Each of these
opinions is
wrong.
For perspective on evaluating stepfamily advice
and books, follow the links after you
finish this article.
Once you've progressed on these steps, encourage your adults to (a) agree on
who belongs to your stepfamily, and to (b) convert any stepfamily myths they
hold into realistic expectations. As you do this...
6)
Help Your Kids Understand Your Stepfamily
Typical pre-teens are often confused about stepfamily realities, roles, and
relationships - specially if their adults are too. Younger kids lack the
concepts (like "divorce" and "remarriage") and the vocabulary to express
their confusion and ask clear questions. An effective way to help them is to
compare simple stick-figure or cartoon-face diagrams of their biofamily and
their stepfamily. Another is to ask the local library for kids'
age-appropriate books about stepfamilies.
Keys to emphasize are (a) stepfamilies and step-people are normal and OK,
and (b) stepkids, step-parents, stepsibs, and step-relatives don't have
to love each other.
+ + +
We just overviewed
six proactive steps to identify and manage normal stepfamily-identity
conflicts. Do they make sense to you? Do you feel they would work in your
stepfamily? Are you motivated to try them?
If you choose not to, you risk your
members' silently using inappropriate (biofamily) expectations
of each other, causing ongoing stress - specially if they're wounded and
unaware.
How can you tell if you've
successfully resolved your identity conflicts? One way is to review the sur-face problems above, and see if you mates solidly agree that none of them
apply to your home or family now. Otherwise, see page 2.
Dealing with Family Resistance
The rest of this article illustrates responding to a common problem: one
or more of your kids' grand-parents denies, rejects, or minimizes your
step-identity. A similar problem occurs when one of you mates has an
ex mate or a sibling who rejects your stepfamily identity.
If a grandparent or sibling rejects or ignores your stepfamily identity
and you don't confront them on this, you (a) don't yet appreciate the
long-term value of doing so, or (b) you may fear something. Both of
these are probable signs that you and/or your partner are ruled by a
protective
false self.
If a grandparent or adult sibling is unsure whether you all are a
stepfamily, ask if s/he's clear on
what a stepfamily is. This presumes you are clear!
Option: copy this summary of
stepfamily facts, and ask your relative to read and discuss it with
you. Then ask if s/he now agrees that you all are a stepfamily.
Words can make a difference here.
Some people dislike the prefix "step-" because they associate it with
(a) being "second best" or "unnatural," and with (b) prior marital and
perhaps parenting "failure." These are misconceptions.
Stepfamilies are normal. They have probably outnumbered
biofamilies throughout human history until recent medical and
nutritional advances. Stepfamilies can be just as nourishing and warm as
healthy bio-families if adults team up to create those blessings over
time
(Lesson 7).
If you clarify what a stepfamily is and relatives still resist accepting
your step-identity, you can...
Accept
their resistance, and work on helping your kids understand
your stepfamily identity and what it means despite their relatives'
opinion; and use stepfamily titles, terms, and impli-cations openly
and non-combatively with those relatives, and wait patiently to see
if they change their minds over time; or you can...
Confront
their resistance respectfully.
Respectful Confrontation
Here, confrontation means
"co-parents...
respectfully
assert
their opinions and needs about stepfamily identity to key
relatives, and...
listen empathically
to learn the relatives' opinions and needs, so they all can...
do win-win
problem-solving
together to fill everyone's primary needs well enough.
How does this compare to
your family adults' definitions of confrontation?
Prepare to
Confront
Recall the premise that ignoring, minimizing, or denying stepfamily
identity usually stems from significant psychological wounds +
incomplete grieving of childhood and adult losses (broken bonds).
Resolution of any family role or relationship problem begins with (a)
mates
putting
their true Selves in charge, (b)
identifying
and
ranking
their primary needs, and (c) resolving
inner
and mutual conflicts about their most important current needs - as
teammates. In other words, get
in synch with your mate (if any), before tackling "identity"
problems with relatives.
Use
Lesson-2 communication
skills
and resources, and this
framework to resolve any problems to-gether. If you mates
have trouble agreeing, suspect that well-meaning false selves are in the
way, and refocus on progressing at
Lesson 1
together.
From childhood, typical mates are used to respecting their
parents' and grandparents' needs, opinions, and dignity more
than their own. If true for you, (a)
put
your Self
in charge,
(b) evolve a cre-dible
Personal Bill of Rights, and (c) authorize your
subselves to use it with your relatives with mini-mal
stress! Expect strong resistance from
your false self and your relatives - and do it anyway!
Many divorced-family and
stepfamily adults aresurvivors
of too little early-childhood
nurturance.
One implication is they may be
unable to
bond
and/or
grieve
well. Incomplete mourning can hinder or block new-stepfamily
members from bonding over time. Your relatives' resistance to accepting
your stepfamily identity may be a symptom of their inability to mourn
significant losses related to prior death, divorce, or other major
traumas.
Use the tools in
Lesson 3
to compassionately assess whether the relative/s who
deny your stepfamily identity are stuck somewhere in the
three-level
grief process.
Stuck or not, help each other intentionally evolve a
pro-grief
family environment. Consider talking to your relatives about
your perceptions, while accepting that you can't
persuade or force them to grieve.
Help each other learn
to spot and resolve
values
and
loyalty
conflicts
and relationship
triangles in your stepfamily relationships. Then teach other family
members how to do this. Give selected relatives copies of the linked
articles, and discuss them as family teammates, vs. opponents.
Typical multi-home stepfamilies are riddled with these three stressors
for many years. They may be contributing to your conflict with relatives
over accepting your stepfamily identity and what it
means.
If so, I suggest you partners focus on resolving them before
pursuing your identity-conflict resolution.
Note the number of preparation steps available to raise your odds of a
successful confrontation - i.e. everyone feels heard and respected, and
gets their main needs met well enough.
The
Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/sf/basics/id.htm
1) Prepare
to Assess and Unify
2) Rank Your
Stepfamily Members
3)
Define Your Criteria
Continue with an