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This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles
on howtoevolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. This series extends
the concepts in Lessons 1-6, so study them first. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
qualified
professional help.
The "/" in
re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may
be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home
nuclear stepfamily.
Thisarticle describesstepfamily membership or in-clusion
conflicts, illustrates why can they be a sig-nificantstressor.
suggests (a) who does belong
to your multi-home stepfamily, and (b) how adults can
resolve membership conflicts effectively.
Take a moment to mentally list everyone whom you feel "belongs" to
your present family. Now list others you know who don't "belong."
Would each adult and child in your family agree on who belongs and who
doesn't? What's the difference between the "ins" and the "outs"?
Common
criteria for family inclusion are...
sharing common genes,
ancestors, and last names;
traditional family-role
titles, like grandmother, nephew, sister, father, and cousin, etc.;
inclusion in family
rituals and gatherings, like reunions, birthdays, weddings, and
graduations;
shared experiences over
several to many years;
expressions of
genuine or dutiful caring
about each other's welfare, and...
expectations of mutual
support in stressful situations.
Can you think of other
criteria for family membership (inclusion)?
Non-genetic relatives may be included because of (a) social customs ("We're
now related to our new daughter-in-law's family"), and/or (b) mutual
friendship, respect, and enjoyment ("Komiko is so thoughtful, warm,
and fun to be around!") Religious and ethnic ties may foster some
family inclusions ("Hilda is from the old country.")
Reflect on how family memberships
change. Think of current members of your family who weren't
members when you were a child. How did they get to be included? Common
answers are by birth, adop-tion, marriage, and special mutual friendships
("good chemistry.").
Now can you think of a child or adult who has been excluded from
belonging among you all? If so, what caused their exclusion? Do all your
members agree on it? Note the difference between
exclusion ("You're no
longer one of us") and rejection("I don't want to be included in this family!")
Do you know any families whose
members seriously disagree on who is included and who isn't? These
can be calledmembership or
inclusion conflicts. They can range from trivial to major
(disrupting family functioning).
Notice the different emotional levels of family inclusion...
duty and/or politeness
("We ought to include Juan's sister in our dinner, tho we don't
know her.");
familiarity and real
friendship ("We really like Rosa!"), and...
genuine bonding("We all
love and care about Rosa!").
Family-member bonds and
loyalties can range from intellectual and loose to intense dependencies,
based on a mix of factors like personalities, ethnicity, customs, and
geographic closeness.
Options
-
gain perspective by making a
genogram of your present family. Then use
colored markers to identify whether each person in the diagram is mildly
(say, blue), moderately (yellow), or very loyal and bonded (red) to
other family members. Mark many members who are
excluded with an "E," and any
who reject family membership
with an "R." See what the overall pattern looks like. Ask your
older kids and relatives to do this
exercise, and then discuss it together.
So how does all this relate to forming a high-nurturance ("successful")
stepfamily?
Stepfamily
Membership Conflicts are Normal
People in healthy biofamilies seldom
argue about who belongs to their clan.
Adults and kids in aver-age stepfamilies often
disagree on, and/or are confused about, who belongs to "my family." This is
spe-cially true soon after a divorced or widowed bioparent commits to a new
partner and their relatives.
For perspective, typical three-generational stepfamilies have
50 to 100+ members
related by genes, history, marriage, emotions, and legal contracts (e.g. wills,
divorce decrees,
and parenting agreements. One of many differences between average biofamilies and stepfamilies is that many
members differ on who they define as "my
family." Normal stepfamily kids and adults can be
conflicted
within themselves ("I ought to include my stepmother and her brother, but I don't want to"), and
between each other.
Five questions
steppeople face are...
"Who, specifically, do
I
feel 'related to' now, genetically, legally, and
psychologically?"
"Among this group of relatives, who do
I feel
bonded (emotionally connected) with? Whose needs, feelings,
and well-being am I genuinely concerned with?"
"Who do
I feel I should
care about, among these people?"
"Do each of these
people accept me as a full member of their family now?"
And...
"Who
is responsible for resolving any membership disputes among us?"
In my experience, it's rare for the
adults and kids living in related co-parenting homes to agree on answers to these
questions. Typical new stepkids have
no strong urge to include their stepparent’s kids or kin in "my family," and
vice versa. Half-siblings can feel speciallyconfused and torn about
whether to in-clude some or all of these other kids and their relatives in
defining "my family." There are no clear social rules to follow as there are
in typical intact biofamilies.
Conflicts among adults and
kids over stepfamily
inclusion and exclusion are common. If not resolved, these disputes impede the psychological bonding of the
several merging
biofamilies, and stress everyone..
Besides the large number of people
and relationships in new stepfamilies, there are significant odds that their newly-related biofamilies...
are of different
religious
and ethnic backgrounds (causing values conflicts), and...
have significant unresolved
issues
from prior divorce/s, and child-related
custody, visitation, parenting, names, and financial issues, and...
have no effective way to
resolve group problems yet.
These and other
factors combine to generate frequent disagreements on "Who's included in
our household and extended stepfamily?" A quick way to identify a membership
conflict is to ask two or more stepfamily adults or kids: "If you were giving a party
for your whole family, who would you invite?"
Their
answers will usually differ a little or a lot. This is normal!
Stepfamily membership confusions and
conflicts bloom for yearsaround
child
visitations, holidays, vacations,
and special family events like baptisms, bar and bas mitzvahs, marriages, graduations,
birth-days, and anniversaries. These conflicts are usually part of clusters
of concurrent stressors - they don't stand alone, which makes them harder to
resolve..
Membership Conflicts
Stress Primary Relationships
...because they can generate...
significant self doubt,
hurt, resentments,
guilts, in kids and adults; and...
12 year old Jill's father Jason has just
remarried Nora, after a seven-month courtship. Jill's parents separated about four years
ago, and their divorce finalized 18 months ago. The divorce was "messy"
(contested and conflictual). Both Jill's parents are still hurt, angry, and distrustful
from incidents before and during the divorce. Jill's biomom Sharon is secretly hurt and
resentful her ex has "found another woman" so soon, though she claims she
"doesn't really care."
Following a bitter legal custody
battle, Jill lives
with her biomom, and visits her dad and stepmom one night a week, and every other weekend.
Communication between Sharon and Jason is strained and curt. Though they're complying with a
legal parenting agreement, neither is really happy about the terms.
Sharon gives off
covert signals to Jill that she (Jill) shouldn't like or accept her stepmother Nora
"too much." As with most divorced kids, Jill feels a strong loyalty to, and
a need to please, her custodial bio-parent.
Neither mom nor dad has adequately explained their
family dis-integration to Jill, and she is con-fused and secretly
angry, guilty, and ashamed about it.
Her mother implies, but doesn't say outright, that her father is largely
to blame. Jill is secretly torn between siding with her mother, and feeling
protective and worried about her dad. On top of this, Jill has overheard her Dad and Nora
talking about having a baby, and has mixed feelings about that.
Jill alternated
between warm and accepting, and coolly distancing with her father's
"girlfriend" before their re/wedding.The bright 12 year old has steadily rejected the "new" woman's attempts to
"make friends" since the ceremony and honeymoon.
Nora's tolerance for her stepdaughter's unwarranted and
hurtful rejection is starting to thin. This reaches a painful crescendo during their first
attempt at a "family summer vacation." During the 10-day trip to a
beach resort, Jill is frequently silent, moody, "crabby," and unenthused,
despite her Dad's and Nora's best efforts to entertain and cater to her.
Jason over-tries, and Nora grows resentful, feeling her husband's energy is mainly focused on his daughter, not her (a
loyalty
conflict). She feels badly about her own resentment (inner voice: "I'm just being
childish...")
but says nothing to Jason. Nora begins to wonder if her stepdaughter's biomom is coaching
Jill to reject her. She again feels guilty and ashamed of wondering about that. She's
incensed that Sharon peppered Jill's luggage with "I love and miss you" notes,
and small presents.
Tension grows among all three, and
they're relieved to return home from "the vacation from hell." At this point,
Nora
sees biomom Sharon as "part of Jill's (vs. our) family." The girl
feels
impelled by duty and anxiety to exclude Nora and her relatives from "my (psychological)
family." She sees Nora as "my Dad's new wife," not "my
stepmother."
Sharon is
torn
between accepting Nora as now being part of
Jill's legalfamily, but not really belonging to their pre-divorce marital
biofamily. Jason is torn between wanting "space" from the history of painful
conflicts with his ex Sharon (implication: "No,
my ex is not part of my
new
family"), and having to acknowledge the reality of Sharon's genetic, historic,
emotional, financial, legal, ongoing ties with Jill, himself, and now with Nora.
Everyone feels confused,
anxious, and
guilty about all this - and no
one talks about their feelings and needs. This is partly so because all three co-parents are
unaware of being psychologically
wounded
and in protective denials.
As time goes
on, Nora and Jason both begin to wonder "What have I gotten myself into here?" If
Jason and Nora don't...
discuss all these feelings, expectations, and attitudes,
and...
these several
stepfamily inclusion conflicts can escalate over time.
The inner and mutual conflicts will probably
increase as Thanksgivings, year-end holidays, Easters, birthdays, and family outings accumulate. Nora,
Jill, Jason and Sharon all have to make continuing deci-sions about "Who do we invite, and how do we all feel about doing so?" Relatives get mixed signals, and have
their own mosaic of opinions on "Who belongs to our (multi-generational) stepfamily?"
Added to other
concurrent
financial, household, and co-parenting conflicts, these loyalty and
mem-bership issues increasingly stress Nora and
Jason's re/marriage, and hinder Sharon and Jason's chances to
evolve stable co-parenting teamwork. These conflicts will probably escalate if Jason and Nora
have a child, and/or Sharon re/marries - specially if her new
mate has children.
Does this example seem credible to you?
If you were one of these co-parents, what would you do about this situation?
Stepfamily membership conflicts may not be re/maritally
fatal themselves, but they can promote other complex home and stepfamily
stressors along the way.
Before continuing, try this Status Check: circle T(rue), F(alse), or "?"
("I'm not sure now")
I can explain what (a)
"family identity" is, and
(b) why all family members'
fully accepting their stepfamily identity is
important(T F ?)
I can clearly explain the concept of a
stepfamily membership conflict to another person now. (T F ?)
Option - try this!
I can clearly describe (a) the concepts of
loyalty conflicts and
relationship
triangles to another person now, and
(b) how stepfamily
identity and membership conflicts cause them. (T F ?)
I'm very clear now on who belongs to our multi-generational
(extended) stepfamily. (T
F ?)
All our kids'
bioparents and stepparents are clear and agreed on
who comprises our exten-ded stepfamily now; or we all
know how to reduce our membership disagreements, and are working to do so.(T F ?)
Each minor and grown
child in our family is clear (a) that we all are a
stepfamily,and(b)on who comprises their stepfamily now. (T
F ?)
What did you just learn? How would other members of your home and family
respond to these items?
Who
Does Belong
to Our Stepfamily?
The short answer is - any legal or
biological relative who's existence "significantly" affects
one or more other family members is a legitimate member of
your stepfamily system. Their impacts may be
genetic, psychological, spiritual, legal, financial, and/or
physical.
Implications -
both
bioparents of each stepchild, and their respective biofamily
relatives, are full stepfamily members, whether alive or
dead, and involved or not.
for healthy stepfamily
harmony and bonding, the needs and opinions of each such relative
need to be genuinely accepted and respected by all adults and kids.
rejecting or excluding
full membership will cause compound clusters of divisive
loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles in and among the
stepfamily's related homes.
Unless admitted and
resolved, these clusters will (a) stress stepfamily marriages
(promote re/di-vorce), (b) lower the stepfamily's nurturance level,
and (c) pass on the lethal [wounds + unaware-ness]
cycle to the next
generation.
Pause, breathe, and notice you're thots and feelings now. If you
disagree with these implications, you're probably unaware of stepfamily
realities and/or ruled by a false self.
Red light!
If any of your
stepfamily adults or kids significantly
disagree on who belongs, what can you do?
Options for Resolving Membership Conflicts
Focus on "What's best for
all our members over the next 25 years?," rather than
focusing only on local inclusion /exclusion disputes;
Adults agree that your
highest shared responsibility is to protect your present and future kids
from the wounds + unawareness] cycle. Adults who disagree are
probably dominated by false selves.
Help each other patiently apply Lessons 1 thru 7 here, and to
reduce significant false-self wounds;
Work together to accept your stepfamily identity and what it
means.
Co-parents draw your family genogram, and discuss it with your
kids and relatives. Identifyany family adults or kids who
exclude someone from "belonging," or reject belonging to your
stepfamily.
Co-parents model talking openly about membership
(inclusion/exclusion)
conflicts ("Pat, you and I disagree on who comprises our
stepfamily, don't we?"), and encourage your kids and kin to do so. These are normal divorced-family and stepfamily stressors:
no one is bad or wrong when they happen!T
Agree that the realissues are how much any
exclusions and rejections affect (a) your co-parents' serenity and
relationships, and (b) each child's security and wholistic health.
Inclusion/exclusion conflicts are a family problem, not a
personal one!
A useful question to ponder honestly is
"What
would it mean to me if I fully accepted __________ as a full member of our
stepfamily?" Often the core reasons are prospective losses of
prized hopes ("We'll never be the 'regular family' I long for"),
illusion ("Stepfamilies aren't that different,") or protective
false-self
denials ("Maybe I committed to the wrong group of people!").
Adults help each
other evolve effective strategies to resolve values and loyalty
conflicts and relation-ship triangles. Family "membership" disputesalwayscause clusters of these. Then model and explain your
strategies to your kids.
Divorcing bioparents accept co-responsibility for
identifying and
resolving unhealed
stressors with (co-parenting) ex mates and key
kin. Ideally, begin well
before re/wedding. If you don't, membership and related
loyalty conflicts and relationship
triangles will
recur
and inexorably reduce your stepfamily's
nurtur-ance level.
If you
still have inclusion/exclusion stress, consider using
qualified, stepfamily-aware
professional help until you learn to master it yourselves.
Recap
This Lesson-7 article offers
perspective on "belonging" to a family, why inclusion/exclusion
conflicts are likely in average stepfamilies, why they can stress
re/marriages; an example of such a conflict; and practical options for
resolving them. Resolving "membership conflicts" is one of many related
stepfamily-formation tasks.
The
Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/sf/basics/members.htm
