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- evolve and enjoy a high-nurturance stepfamily |
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What's Normal In a Multi-home Stepfamily?
and
Their (Typical) Realities
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member,
NSRC Expert Council
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 The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/sf/myths.htm
Clicking links below will open an informational popup or a full window, so
please turn off your brow-ser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this non-profit site.
This is one of a series of
lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. The series uses
the concepts in Lessons 1-6, so study them first. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help.
The "/" in
re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may
be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means
both bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home
nuclear stepfamily.
This article assumes you're familiar with the
intro to this Web
site, the premises
underlying it, and self-study Lessons
 What's the Problem?
Millions of U.S.
stepfamily re/marriages eventually break up legally or
psychologically - probably more than first marriages.
After 30 years' research, I believe one of five
for our horrific re/divorce
epidemic
is co-parents' and professionals'
Typical re/marrying
partners can name the
between
average stepfamilies and intact biofamilies, but few of the
60+ structural and dynamic
differences. This promotes their living from unrealistic expectations.
When
needy, unaware co-parents don't know, reject, or ignore what their stepfamily
identity ("We are a stepfamily"), they risk major misconceptions
about stepfamily relationships,
roles, and
realities. Indivi-dual myths may be
minor, but their combined impact in courtship and over time can promote
escalating conflict,
and eventual psychological or
legal re/ divorce.
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Once aware of these
basics and the significant risk of
re/divorce, co-parents can learn step-bio differences, and form more accurate family role and relationship
expectations
- ideally before choosing to
exchange vows.
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The rest of this article offers...
60 common
stepfamily myths I've heard from over 1,000 typical stepfamily
adults, kids, and dozens of stepfamily authors) since 1981; and...
The corresponding realities that apply
to most typical multi-home stepfamilies.
To make this more interesting, these are presented as a checklist.
Filling it out, you'll form a profile of what you (or someone) presently believes about
stepfamilies, stepparenting, stepkids, and stepfamily re/marriage. The checklist is
followed by a point-for-point commentary on whether each idea is usually rea-listic or not.
This becomes an informal quiz, in case that intrigues
you.
"Passing" the quiz (eventually) promotes long-term re/marital and co-parenting
successes and satisfactions. Option: here's a more fundamental
quiz for people considering or belonging to
a stepfamily...
The Master Stepfamily Myth
In counseling hundreds of stepfamily
adults and couples professionally,
I've witnessed a common pattern: uninformed,
busy co-parents often expect their multi-home stepfamily to act and feel like a one-home
intact ("traditional") biofamily.
This
misconception often comes from one more co-parents wanting to avoid identifying themselves as a stepfamily because of
negative associations like failure, weird, unnatural, second best, inferior,
and wicked (stepmother).
Typical co-parents often don't
know what they don't know about stepfamilies, child nurturance, and
re/marriage. This also appears true of many licensed mental-health professionals,
including clergy. A typi-cal result is they don't read and apply
books or articles like these
Break the Cycle! pages. Another is that
most (unaware) stepfamily
authors unintentionally contribute to public misperceptions and potential re/ divorce
trauma.
Your
family adults and
supporters can avoid adopting unrealistic stepfamily expectations by:
Doing
together - i.e.
accepting their group identity clearly: "We're all equal mem-bers of a
normal
multi-home stepfamily" Then...
Accepting
"What we don't know about stepfamilies can hurt us all!" Then...
Learning...
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"How does our stepfamily differ
structurally and
developmentally from
a typical intact biofamily?"
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"What's
normal in a typical
stepfamily?" (this article); and...
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"What do these differences and norms
to all of us?"
"What I've learned in my birth and first-marriage families
should work well enough in our new (step)family. Experience counts! We're not really that
different!"
"I
should (i.e. must) love my
stepchildren and treat them like my own."
"If I disagree with my stepchild or their
other bioparent, my mate will usually support me without great guilt
or anxiety."
"As a bioparent, I shouldn't have to choose
between my new mate and my child(ren)!"
"My mate's (absent minor or grown) kids will never
come to live with us permanently."
"If I'm consistently honest, sincere, and warm, my
stepchild/ren will surely come to love and respect me."
"Your and my kids could never come between us!"
See anything familiar here?
Usually, none of these
is true. There are over 50 more misconceptions!
Status Check
- before you dive in, rate your stepfamily wisdom now.
On a scale of 1 (I
have many unrea-listic expectations about our stepfamily)
to 10 (my
expectations about or stepfamily are totally realistic),
I'm a ___. We'll revisit
this at the end of the article.
 Directions
You can do this two-page worksheet online, or print and do it
offline. Either way, choose one or more periods of undistracted time to
reflect on these 60 items. Choose the unbiased curiosity of a student, and
reassure yourself this learning exercise will help you forge
realistic role and relationship expectations in your unique stepfamily.
If you, your mate, or
other key people (who?) believe an item below, check the appropriate box.
If you're not sure, use "?" Star or hilight any specially important items.
Note your thoughts and feelings as you fill this out - they're as useful as
your answers.
If you run into an unclear term, consult these
definitions
and return.
To do this online, after mentally answering each item, click on the
item number to see a summary popup with the corresponding reality. Finish
the process with expectations 31 to 60 on page 2. Some
stepfamily realities here span several expectations. Option: journal or tape record as you go.
To do this offline, print this
two-page worksheet and these five pages of realities.
Then fill out the worksheet and match your
expectations by item with the corresponding realities.
Key: Before you do this
exercise, decide who's
your
personality
- your
(capital "S") or
Your Self will give you the most honest,
thoughtful results here. If you get thoughts like...
"Hurry up - this is
taking too long!"
"This can't
be the reality -
I don't believe it!"
"This may be true for some stepfamilies, but
not ours!,"
or...
"Just
skim this - we don't need to do every
item,"...
that's probably your protective
at work. To sense what those
subselves fear or need on any item they disagree with, ask yourself "If
this were true, what would it mean to me?" Try using this
technique to
get a clear answer.
Ask other stepfamily members to fill out the worksheet, and then
compare notes. Expect some
sur-prises!
When you're done, review what it
to be in a stepfamily, and
the
that most
stepfamily adults need to confront.
This worksheet aims to help you reduce one
widespread hazard:
unawareness!
Option: journal or tape record your
reactions as
you do this inventory.
 Stepfamily expectation Who
believes this?
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Me |
You |
Other |
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A stepfamily forms only after the death
of a bioparent (vs. divorce), and the re/ marriage of the surviving bioparent. |
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If their kids are all grown, bioparents
who re/marry do not form a stepfamily. |
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Re/marrying
bioparents whose children are grown and independent bypass most of the major stepfamily
problems that co-parents of minor kids have. |
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The parents and kids in a normal
stepfamily live in one home. |
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Stepfamilies are pretty much the same as
first-marriage (bio)families. |
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Most of my ideas and values about
co-managing my former household ought to work well enough in this new family. |
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My and my partner's prior
family experience, our love, and our common sense, make studying stepfamilies unnecessary. |
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If we run into any major stepfamily
problems, our relatives and friends will empathize with and support us. |
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My (and/or your) prior marriage is
over!
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The
psychological and spiritual health
of my and my new mate's childhoods, and that of our ex-mates, has little to do with our re/marital
and stepfamily success now. The past is past! |
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Our courtship
experiences together are a pretty reliable guide as to how we'll all get along
after we exchange vows. |
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Moving in together and/or re/wedding
creates a new family, and we'll all feel like one soon after we do these. |
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Though my child/ren
and I have
lived as an absent-parent family for a while, we can include my new partner (and her
or his kids, if
any) in our home, habits, and lives easily enough (or vice versa).
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I won't have to put my new partner
or my child/ren "first" in our new family. I can love and support them
all equally! |
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I'd be wrong to
expect or ask my mate to choose
between me and my step-child/ren too often. |
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Stepfamily expectation Who
believes this?
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Me |
You |
Other |
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When I have a conflict with my
partner's kid/s or ex mate, my partner should want to side with me, without
significant
guilt or resentment. |
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In a healthy stepfamily, stepparents, stepkids,
and stepsiblings should love each other. If they don't, somebody's "bad" or
"wrong." |
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Your
children and mine will soon work out their differences, and will all get along fine. |
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My stepchild/ren will want my affection and
support. They and my partner will appreciate my co-parenting efforts, and will naturally tell me
so. |
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Our re/marriage
and/or cohabiting automatically
gives me the responsibility and the authority to discipline my
stepkids. |
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A responsible stepparent should share in
setting and enforcing stepchild-dis-cipline limits and consequences right away. |
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Stepparents and bioparents should treat all their minor and grown children equally:
Favoritism is wrong! |
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All our bio and step relatives should
treat our bio and step kids equally at spe-cial events and family occasions.
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Stepparents and bioparents
(co-parents) should always be fair. |
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Co-managing our money and assets will not pose
our stepfamily or re/marri-age any unusual problems. |
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My mate and I should have no major marital or family conflicts over
adjusting our wills and estate plans after we
re/marry. |
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Even without adopting their stepkid/s, re/marriage
gives stepparents most of the same legal co-parenting rights, obligations, and
status as the living biological parents. |
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No minor child in our stepfamily will ever
change residence to live with their other bioparent. |
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Our re/wedding
and moving in together shouldn't cause any of our stepfamily members any
significant losses. |
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Adults and kids grieve naturally enough,
so we adults don't have to pay spe-cial attention to mourning in our new
stepfamily. |
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 Continue
with common stepfamily expectations
31-60.
Do you need a break first?
[file:///C:/prf/SI/site/footer.htm]
Updated
March 06, 2010
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