Lesson 7 of 8  - evolve and enjoy a high-nurturance stepfamily
	A Quiz About Stepfamilies Discover What You Need to Learn By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this quiz is http://sfhelp.org/sf/basics/quiz7.htm

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If you're in a stepfamily, please help improve lesson 7
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        This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. This ser-ies extends the concepts in Lessons 1-6, so study them first. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

 Why Take This Quiz?

        From 30 years' professional research, I propose that one of five reasons for widespread stepfamily stress and (re)divorce is lay and professional unawareness about key personal, relationship, and family topics.

        This quiz offers a way for you to assess how much you know about stepfamilies, and to link you with practical answers you can tailor to your unique needs. Keep your perspective: "scoring" here is far less important than what you know, your motivation to learn, and how you use your stepfamily know-ledge...

Prepare to Learn...

Print this quiz and have something to write with. You'll need several sheets of blank paper to note some answers

Find a quiet place and reserve at least 45-60" to respond to these items;

Adopt the curiosity and open mind of a student, and expect to learn useful things from this experience;

Check to see if your true Self guides your other personality subselves now. If not, (a) try to free your Self to lead, or (b) expect skewed results from this quiz. See Lesson 1.

For fun, guess which of these you'll feel when you finish this quiz:

Take your time here, and view this quiz as a high-return, long-term investment.

As you answer these items, reflect on how other family adults and supporters would respond to _ each item and _ taking this quiz.

Check an item only if you can confidently check each sub-item.

Options:

• try answering these out loud to someone you trust, or to an imaginary group of high-school seniors. Otherwise, write out your answers on a separate piece of paper. 

• Consciously avoid vague generalities ("stepfamilies are just more stressful...") and be as specific as you can ["...because they (name explicit reasons)."]

• identify (a) a typical intact biofamily and (b) an existing stepfamily you know, and think of them with each item below.

• Journal your reactions to taking this quiz as you go, or soon after finishing. Your reactions to these questions are as important as the answers!

• If you follow a link, read what's there and then return here to finish the quiz. 

Take heart - you don't need to be a Ph.D. to learn the answers here!

Then Assess Your Knowledge...

__ 1)  _ Define "a family," _ explain why families exist (specifically), and _ describe what a "family
         nurturance level" is.

__ 2)  Name at least 15 of the ~30 traits of a high-nurturance family (of any kind).

__ 3)  _ Define at least four major effects of growing up in a low-nurturance family environment, and
         _ explain specifically how these effects may impact the development of a stepfamily over time.

__ 4)  Describe what _ a stepfamily is, _ what a stepparent is, and _ the moment in time when a typical
         stepfamily "begins."

__ 5)  Name at least two things that distinguish a stepfamily from other types of human family.

__ 6)  Describe _ the term stepfamily identity, and _ specifically why adults ignoring or minimizing
         their step-identity promotes escalating stress in and between their homes.

__ 7)  Name at least three signs that an adult or child has really accepted her or his stepfamily identity.

__ 8)  Describe the people who comprise a typical nuclear stepfamily.

__ 9)  Describe _ what "family membership " means, and _ the specific risks of excluding a step-
         child's "other (bio)parent" from full stepfamily membership.

__ 10)  Explain _ why it's highly unlikely that typical stepfamily members will ever meet people in a
           similarly-structured stepfamily, and _ what this usually means to them.

__ 11)  Name at least six ways that typical stepfamilies are just like average intact biofamilies.

__ 12)  _ Explain the terms family structure and family system; and _ name at least 15 of the ~30 ways
           average stepfamilies differ structurally from intact biofamilies;

__ 13)  Identify at least 10 of the 16 categories of things average stepfamily adults and kids must merge
           and stabilize after each bio-parent's committing to a new partner after divorce or mate-death.

__ 14)  Name at least 15 of the ~30 adjustment tasks that typical new-stepfamily adults must make,
           starting in serious courtship.

__ 15)  Name the three or four sets of adjustment needs that typical minor and grown stepkids must fill
           over time with informed adult help;

__ 16)  Name at least six ways stepfamily courtship differs from traditional dating by two never-married
           partners.

__ 17)  Name at least eight traits of the right partner to re/commit to. The "/" notes that it may be a
           stepparent's first union.

__ 18)  Name at least five of the right reasons to re/commit and form or join a stepfamily.

__ 19)  Name at least eight indicators it's the right time to re/commit and form or join a stepfamily.

__ 20)  Describe _ a (step)family mission statement, and _ why stepfamily co-parents making and using
           one is usually more important than in intact biofamilies.

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - what are you thinking and feeling, so far? Do you need a break before finishing the last half of the quiz?

__ 21)  Describe _ a co-parent job description and _ why co-parents negotiating and using them is more
           important in typical stepfamilies than in intact biofamilies.

__ 22)  Describe specific examples of _ a values conflict, _ a loyalty conflict, and _ a relationship triangle,            and _ explain why these stress typical divorcing-family and stepfamily adults and kids.

__ 23)  Explain the paradox that bioparents wanting to rank their dependent kids' needs third in typical
           stepfamily conflicts really puts them first, over time.

__ 24)  Explain _ interpersonal bonding, _ two types of personal losses, _ a family grieving policy, and
           _ a "pro-grief" home and stepfamily.

__ 25)  Describe _ three phases of a typical divorce, and _ why it can take up to 15 or more years for
           some adults and kids to fully adjust to family reorganization from divorce.

__ 26)  Name at least 10 common invisible things that adults and kid lose from _ biofamily divorce and _
           a bioparent's choosing a new partner and cohabiting.

__ 27)  _ Define the three levels of grief, _ name at least six symptoms of incomplete grief, and _ explain
           why identifying and freeing incomplete grief is vital in typical divorcing families and stepfamilies.

__ 28)  Describe at least five of the nine typical barriers to co-parenting cooperation between ex mates,
           stepparents, and key relatives; and _ what new mates need to do to grow co-parenting teamwork.
           together.

__ 29)  Describe the requisites for an effective parenting agreement between divorced bioparents.

__ 30)  Describe _ what a "successful child visitation" is, and _ name at least five reasons why they are
           hard to achieve in many stepfamilies.

__ 31)  Define _effective child discipline, and _ at least 10 differences between intact-biofamily discipline            and child discipline in typical stepfamilies.

__ 32)  Define _ family role, _ family role title, _ a role conflict, _ role strain, and _ at least 10 of the ~15
           new family roles that typical stepfamily members must negotiate and agree on.

__ 33)   _ Define effective co-parenting, and _ describe at least 20 of the~ 40 common environmental
            differences between "stepparenting" and "traditional bioparenting."

__ 34)   Describe why ex mates' resorting to legal force to "win" disputes over child $upport, visitation, or
            custody is always a lose-lose-lose choice, long term.

__ 35)  Describe _ at least three things that stress typical co-grandparents, and _ key options for redu-           cing each of them.

__ 36)  Name _ at least 20 of the ~60 common myths that lay people and many professionals believe
           about stepfamilies, and _ what their corresponding realities usually are.

__ 37)  Name five reasons why typical U.S. stepfamilies experience significant stresses, are significantly              low-nurturance systems, and often re/divorce psychologically or legally.

__ 38)  _ Define "effective stepfamily support," and _ explain why most stepfamily adults don't seek or            use it appropriately.

__ 39)  Describe _ the key phases of a typical stepfamily's developmental cycle, _ the three main
           outcomes of the cycle, _ which outcome is most common in America recently, and _ why.

__ 40)  Describe key criteria for evaluating written and verbal stepfamily advice.

__ 41)  Describe at least three benefits of belonging to a high-nurturance stepfamily.

Prewmise - informed or qualified step-family supporters know each of these items. If you have used, or are using, pro-fessional help for your stepfamily (counselors, therapists, attorneys, mediators, clergy, and/or coaches), how would they do on this quiz? How would each of your relatives do? Your stepkids' other bioparent/s?         Now compare how you feel about your stepfamily-knowledge level to what you thought before taking this quiz...         Perspective: This is one sixth of the basic knowledge that adults need to neutralize the widespread hazard of unawareness. Take these other quizzes to learn about the other five: personality and relationship basics, communication basics, healthy-grieving basics, healthy-family basics, and... effective parenting basics.

View poll results

        Do you better understand my proposal that most (step)family adults and supporters "don't know what they don't know"? Their unawareness + and psychological wounds promotes these primary stressors and potential (re)divorce.

        If you patiently study Lessons 1 thru 7 here, you should be able to "pass" all six quizzes. Then you're really read to grow and enjoy high-nurturance stepfamily relationships!

Now What?

        Use these options to help decide what you want to do with what you just learned:

Recall why you took this quiz. Did you get what you needed? If you have new needs, what are they?

If you skipped some links, go back and follow any of interest when you're undistracted.

If you want to ask other people to take and discuss this quiz, (a) who are they, and (b) why do you want them to do this?

On a scale of 1 (little motivation) to 10 (highly motivated), how motivated are you now to spend significant time studying the answers to these quiz items? ___ Doing this with one or more people (like your mate) can be more interesting, and probably more productive!

If you're (ever) in a co-parent support group, consider using the six related quizzes in this Web site as a framework for weekly discussion topics and "homework." Se this for more options.

If you haven't yet, scan these Questions Co-parents Should Ask. They summarize and link to specific answers to most of the items in these quizzes.

Review this introduction to the [wounds + unawareness] cycle that may stress your family and descendents.

Review this example of a real-life stepfamily

Study these useful terms and phrases about families and relationships, teach them to others, and use them to improve your thinking and communication outcomes.

Evaluate these experience-based suggestions on how to select a useful stepfamily book, an effective counselor, and how to assess stepfamily advice.

Use the topics above as a framework for educating your children and relatives about your stepfamily. They don't know what they need to know, and probably have confusions and misconceptions they can't articulate.

Give a copy of this quiz (or all six of them) to your kids' teacher/s and school counselors and coaches. They probably have many stepkids in their classrooms and offices, and maybe in their homes.

Invest in one or more of the guidebooks that integrate most articles and worksheets in this nonprofit Web site. Then study and discuss these practical books with the other adults in your stepfamily over many months to strengthen your shared knowledge and family nurtur-ance level.

If you're a human-service professional, see Lesson 8 here. If you're a media professional, also see this.

If a false self dominates your personality, you'll probably minimize or ignore your quiz results and these options, or postpone acting on them, and rationalize this as "OK" or "necessary."

Recap

        The purpose of this quiz is to alert people interested in stepfamily health and success to the vital need for adult education. Inability to answer these items is part of the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle that promotes family dysfunction and our U.S. divorce epidemic  Self-study Lesson 7 here provides accurate information to help answer these quiz items, based on 30 years' clinical research.

Right now I feel....

 

 

and I'm aware of...

 

 

and something I want to do is...

 

 

        Pause, breathe, and recall why you took this quiz. Did you get what you needed? If not - what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident true Self (capital "S") or someone else?

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Updated August 30, 2010