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- evolve and enjoy a high-nurturance stepfamily |
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Stepfamilies
are Than Biofamilies
30 Stepfamily-merger
Tasks
By Peter K.
Gerlach,
MSW
Member
NSRC Experts Council |
 The Web
address of this two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/pop/cycle.htm/sf/tasks.htm
Clicking links below will open an informational popup or a full window,
so please turn off your brow-ser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit site.
This is one of a series of Lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. This series uses and extends
the concepts in Lessons 1-6, so study them first.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and
re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first
union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the
related steppar-ents
and bioparents co-mana-ging a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.
This article summarizes 30 common
simultaneous tasks adults must master as
they form or ex-pand a multi-home stepfamily. Typical intact
biofamilies don't face most of these tasks. The article as-sumes you're familiar with...
Why Read
This Article?
Typical
and biofamilies
are
in many ways. They can also have up to
35 structural differences in how they're "built."
These cause up to 30 unique
adjustment-tasks that typical
stepfamily adults face which first-marriers and their relatives don't face. To form
realistic stepfamily goals, plans,
roles, and
expectations, mates and kin need to learn what these differences
are and
what they
U.S. society hasn't yet grown clear norms to guide
co-parents on
how to do these alien tasks effec-tively. Many tasks are concurrent, and some recur
more than once across the years if minor stepkids
change residence and/or their other
bioparent remarries, conceives new children, and/or redivorces.
These 30 stepfamily-adjustment tasks are
in addition to
normal daily life challenges that family adults and their kids must accomplish.
Typical stepfamily adults and many helping professionals are un-aware of or
unclear on these tasks - they don't know what they don't know.
This puts them at risk of unrealistic
and relationship
expectations, which promotes esca-lating frustration and stress. The first steps co-parents in a prospective or
committed stepfamily can take towards mastering their version of these tasks
are to (a) accept their stepfamily
and then (b) learn about and
acknowledge the tasks together!
Here's an overview of these 30
unique stepfamily-building tasks. Check each task that you "know already" as you
read. If you get over 20, you're really aware! I suggest you finish
this two-page article be-fore following any links of interest.
Stepfamilies vs. Intact Biofamilies:
Different Adjustment Tasks
(part 1 of 2)
Adjustment Task |
Average
Multi-home Stepfamilies |
Intact
1-Home
Biofamilies |
| 1)
Couples negotiate courtship with existing kids and ex mate/s in the picture |
Required. Logistics,
needs, and emotions are often far more complex than typical first-marriage
courtship |
No equivalent task
(usually) |
| 2) All adult and
child members (a) clearly accept their identity:
"Together, we're forming a nor-mal
";
(b) Members each
decide "Who belongs (initially) in my stepfam-ily now?", and (c) resolve major
differences over this. |
All three or more co-parents
must (a) learn and accept their version of the step-bio differences shown here, and
(b) help
other family members do the same. Stepfamily adults and kids usually have conflicting
definitions. |
No equivalent task |
| 3) Co-parents
(a) learn
"what's normal in an average multi-home stepfamily?", and (b) teach key realities to
important others |
Required. Avoiding this
task greatly in-creases the odds of building
inappropri-ate, conflictual biofamily-based expecta-tions of each other |
No equivalent task.
Typical biofamily mem-bers learn "what's normal" from birth |
| 4a) All members identify
and
prior tangible and invisible divorce
and/or death (and later, re/marriage and cohabiting) losses
(broken bonds) |
Required. Prior grieving
styles and rules must be merged. Co-parents ignoring this vital
unknowingly promote stepfam-ily conflict and eventual re/divorce. |
No equivalent task |
| 4b) Resolve
biokids' (and some ex mate's) dreams of bioparent and birthfamily reunion.
Logic doesn't count! |
Very common. If
unresolved, this dream can block kids from
accepting a step- parent, and stress
the co-parents' re/ marriage. A bioparent's remarriage may shatter the dream, but not
always… |
No equivalent task |
| 4c) Bioparents,
biokids, and often bio-grandparents really re-lease prior-divorce
hurts, confusions, resentments, guilts,
and shame. |
Required, unless the
former mate/s died (~10% of U.S. stepfamilies). Failure at this task inevitably
stresses re/marri-ages over time |
No equivalent task |
| 5) Co-parents and
other family members (a) blend their styles of communicating and (b)
de-velop effective problem-solving skills together. |
Required. Without
mastering
early, all
related
co-parents are greatly hampered in accomplishing all these other tasks in and between
their related homes. |
Required, but far
sim-pler: only
two co-par-ents need to do this, not three or more. Still, failure at this
task con-tributes to
most cou-ples' first divorces |
| 6) Courting adults each
honestly answer three questions: "are these the right
to re/mar-ry? Is this the right
Am I
doing this for the right
|
Far More Complex.
The ~60% U.S. re/di-vorce rate implies that most couples don't evaluate
these key questions well enough, and/or lack informed
help to evaluate them.. |
Far Simpler. Couples have
no children or ex mates to consider in answering these ques-tions. They also have less experience! |
| 7)
Co-parents make prenup- tial-agreement decisions, and possibly sign a legal
contract defining them |
More common. Wealthier re/marriers often want to guard against possible re/divorce asset-conflicts and
losses. Such contracts may breed stepfamily members' distrust, hurt, and resentments |
Unusual. Most
first-mar-riers aren't wealthy enough to worry about this, and don't believe divorce could
happen to them. About 45% are wrong in America. |
| 8) Re/marriers
plan and hold a commitment ceremony (usually a wedding) for "the family"
and friends |
Far more complex. Who
should attend? Who should "stand up"? No accepted social norms to guide, here.
Often webs of concurrent membership, tradition
and
and rela-tionship
arise. |
Simpler. Social norms are
much clearer. Usually, fewer people - and no biokids, ex-mates, or ex-in-laws - are
involved |
Adjustment
Task |
Average
Multi-home Stepfamilies |
Intact
1-home
Biofamilies |
| 9) All stepfamily
members adjust to kids', ex mate/s', and ex in-laws' reactions to re/mar-riage
and cohabiting |
Required. Some kids, ex mates, and/or
kin can be hostile, rejecting, and/or intru-sive - specially if some adults are
and/or prior
divorces or deaths aren't well-
|
No equivalent task |
| 10) Make harmonious dwelling,
furnishing, decorating, and space-allocation (e.g. bedroom) decisions. Merge
and stabilize sets
of physical and financial assets, debts, goals, traditions, priorities, rituals, and values |
: "Your home,
mine, or a new one?" More people are affected by the answer, so these and related choices are usually
far
more complex and conflictual for adults and kids. |
Required. The dwelling is
usually new to both mates. Far fewer be-longings and assets to choose among, and no kids'
attachments to consider |
| 11) Members
resolve personal name and family
confu-sions:
"What should we call each other?" |
Required.
This is often confusing,
stress-ful, and frustrating, in and between linked homes and with kin and friends |
No equivalent task |
| 12) Cope with a
co-parenting ex mate, child, or key relative who won't accept the divorce,
re/mar- riage, and/or the new stepparent and/or any stepsiblings.. |
Frequent.
When present, usually the ex felt abandoned and abused, and has de-nied major
childhood
and resulting inner
(see task # 28 on the next page) |
No equivalent task |
| 13) Minor
stepkids'
key task: test to learn clearly "Am I safe in this family, or
will it break up too?" and "Who's really in charge of this
home?" (see task #16a) |
Required if stepkids
experienced prior parental
Appropriate testing is often (wrongly) seen
as "acting out," and the kids are shamed and/or punished for assessing
their and younger sibs' safety |
No equivalent
task, but it can
develop with time in a significantly low- nurturance (unsafe) bio-home |
| 14a) Non-custodial re/wedded
bioparents cope with frequent guilt, resentment, and sadness that they're co-raising
others' kids instead of their own |
Probable, if bioparent-child
visitations and communications are infrequent, unsatis-fying, and/or blocked by
others; and/or if the bioparent's divorce
. |
No equivalent task |
| 14b) Non-custodial bioparents
accept that they are missing much of their kids' growing-up events, and that another
adult with different values (i.e. a step- parent) is co-raising their child/ ren
part or full time. |
Required, unless the
bioparent is an un-recovering
Then the child may face feelings of parental abandonment and shame. |
No equivalent task |
| 15)
New mates decide "Shall we conceive one or more kids?" |
Possible, before and/or after
re/wedding. Mates are older; higher odds that one mate says "No, I have
enough kids"; the decision is far more complex. If "Yes,"
new births often cause many (three-gen-erational)
and
and
relationship
|
Probable; much simpler
decision. The co-par-ents are younger, and have far fewer money issues and other
affec-ted people - e.g. no existing stepkids, ex mates, and ex in-laws |
| 16a) All
related co-parents learn and help all dependent kids fill over 30 complex, unique
adjustment needs in addition to their normal
growing-up tasks |
Required. Stepfamily-identity denials (#2), and
(most co-parents can't name all
these 30+ stepchild tasks), often hinder stepfamily caregivers, raising their and their
kids' distress |
No equivalent
task. Bioparents
strive to guide minor kids on a score of normal
devel-opmental needs, to become
independent, successful, healthy, productive young adults and co-parents |
| 16b) Co-parents evolve effective, compatible
(who does
what?), and agree on co-parenting responsibilities and priorities for each
dependent child |
Required;
far more
complex, because
there are three or more co-parents and often more kids involved. Post-divorce hostilities
and distrusts, ineffective com-munication skills, and adults'
of step norms and unique stepchild
tasks (#16a) often interfere. This task normally takes years after
vowing mutual commitment. |
Required, but simpler: only two co-parents, and fewer kids and kin, so lower odds of con-flict. Bioparenting
norms are common and far clearer. They're learned over years before the wedding
from parents, kin, the media, and society |
| 17) All members
effectively resolve a stream of
and priority (loyalty or
inclusion)
conflicts in and
between their many linked homes |
Required. Rewedded bioparents
must
often enough (after personal health and dignity), vs. ranking biokids, kin, or work
higher, or the stepparent grows resentful and even-tually may re/divorce |
Uncommon unless one or
both adults have not
Often, biokids and parenting values are not the key marital
con-flict |
| 18) Mates
consistently make (vs. "find') enough quality
couple-times to nourish their
relation-ship |
Often (much) harder,
due to more people in the home and stepfamily, and more concurrent
adult
and child tasks. |
Easier, unless one or both
mates shun inti-macy. Fewer people and tasks compete for time. |
| 19) Resolve
family relationship problems between new and prior (co-parenting) mates, stepsibs, and/or
step and "ex" in-laws |
Required.
Common
surface conflicts: mo-ney; parenting values, responsibilities, and priorities; child
visitations
and custo-dy; religion; authority (control); time; holi-days; loyalty; family
membership, and possessions. These are symptoms of underlying
|
Some of the same
conflicts among fewer people. |
Summary:
typical intact-biofamily
members don't experience 13 of these 19 stepfamily-merger adjust-ment tasks.
Versions of the other six tasks are much simpler in average biofamilies. How
many of these task-differences do you think average stepfamily adults and
supporters could name?
Continue
by reviewing stepfamily-adjustment tasks 20 through 30. Do you need a
stretch break first?
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Updated
March 06, 2010
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