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This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
This
article assumes you're familiar with...
What's the Problem?
A divorced Mom and Dad who consult me by court order have been at a bitter
parental impasse for over a year. the non-custodial Dad angrily accuses his
ex wife of arrogantly refusing to "obey" the paren-ting agreement they signed
in court and dictating how and when he is able to contact their five-year-old
daughter.
She angrily accuses him of being "self-centered, intrusive, out of
control, stuck," and "way too rigid in interpreting the parenting agreement,
and using it to 'force me' to do things that don't fit our current
cir-cumstances" to "punish me her for divorcing him."
She got the court to issue two orders of protection against him for alleged
threats of visitation-rela-ted violence to her. These enraged him as "totally
unjustified and insulting," and were later each vacated. Her attorney got
the court to order her ex to attend an "anger management class," which he
did at his own expense. He says "It was worthless," though admitting "I've
probably said some things (in anger) to her that I shouldn't have."
These troubled, unaware parents are
currently using the court to force each the other
into compliance - which is inherently aggressive and disrespectful. They each claim there
is no alternative, and the court battle is solely the other parent's fault.
Their prior marital injuries and the new ones from suing each other will
take years to heal, and hinder each of them in trying to forge a healthy
relationship with a new partner. Their vulnerable little daughter is the
tragic victim of this complex scenario, just as each parent was victimized
as a vulnerable psychologically-neglected
in a
family.
The court has ordered them to make visitation exchanges at a local police
station, to minimize the chance of mutual outbursts. The father bitterly
complains that his ex and their lawyers have cost him $25,000 on top of
their divorce settlement, so that he is now "broke" and "on anti-depression
medication."
In my compassionate opinion, these (typical) parents (a) each
genuinely love their daughter, and (b) are relentlessly accumulating
for the core reasons outlined below. Neither they, their several attorneys
(including a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) representing the little girl) or the
presiding domestic-court judge know these reasons, or what to do about them.
Since 1981, I've worked with hundreds of divorcing families and stepfamilies
who describe insoluble disputes about co-parenting agreements as their
"biggest problem." Many of them have resorted to hiring lawyers to try and
force the other co-parent/s into compliance - inevitably making the stress
in and between their homes worse. This article summarizes what I've learned
about such conflicted co-parents, and suggests how to avoid or reduce
disputes over "parenting agreements."
Regardless of their reasons for divorcing, many co-parents have trouble
co-creating, using, and maintaining effective informal and legal
co-parenting agreements. Where true, this usually spawns complex webs of
related conflicts in and between co-parenting homes, before dependant kids
leave home. In the worst case, co-parents hire attorneys to force
their ex mate to comply with their child-raising values and needs - a
lose-lose-lose decision.
This can be
even more stressful if one co-parent has filed for restraint or protection against the other co-parent. Major
co-parental conflicts are specially likely when one or both ex mates commit
to a new partner (a stepparent) who has her or his own ideas about effective child
nurturance.
This article for divorced co-parents and stepfamily adults explores...
-
What is an effective
co-parenting agreement?
-
Why are parenting-agreement
disputes between ex mates so common?
-
Options for (a) preventing and (b) reducing parenting-agreement
disputes
-
Suggestions for negotiating an effective co-parenting agreement
What
is "an Effective Parenting Agreement"?
How would you describe the purpose of a parenting agreement between
separated or divorced parents to a 10-year-old child? How would you explain
why such agreements are needed?
Premises: One major reason that married parents divorce is that they
haven't found a consistently
way to communicate as
partners. The complex multi-year process of reorganizing their family into
two co-parenting homes and lifestyles promotes new chances for ex-mate
disagreements, distrusts, and disrespects. That means that in the
highly-emotional area of co-parenting, major disagreements between
co-parents will be likely over who's responsible for what, when, and how.
Typical minor kids divorced parents have complex sets of normal
developmental and family-adjustment
needs to fill. Such kids need their caregivers to be able to
cooperate filling these needs (to nurture them), despite old and current
personal and relationship disagreements. If and when a stepparent enters the
picture, everyone has new needs for family
and
relationship clarity and
consistency.
So the main purpose of a (written, or "formal") parenting agreement is
typically to document the standards by which both ex mates will behave in
their common goal of raising their child/ren successfully together.
When a
serious dispute arises about parental responsibilities or values, an
effective parenting agreement will offer explicit guidance on how to
resolve the dispute well enough.
More specifically, an effective
agreement will consistently fill each parent's, and each child's current
well enough - in everyone's opinion. To do this, separated
and divorced parents must be able to
their adult and each
child's primary needs accurately.
In my experience, most divorcing mates aren't able to do this - which
promotes significant disputes between them and sometimes the child/ren
and/or involved relatives and supporters.
A way to test the effectiveness of a written parenting agreement is to periodically
assess (a) whether anyone ever refers to it, and (b) if so, how often all
adults and kids feel better about themselves and their family roles and relationships after referring to the agreement.
Ineffective
agreements cause family
problems. Effective agreements help to permanently avoid or resolve them.
Why
are Parenting-agreement Disputes So Common?
I
propose that there
are often up to nine or more interactive reasons. One or both ex mates...
-
were
often ruled by a narrow-minded
without knowing it or what that
and...
-
weren't clear on their parenting needs and
values in the first place, and/or...
-
signed the legal agreement to end the
stressful court proceedings without genuinely agreeing to parts of the
contract, and/or they...
-
were forced to agree because the negotiation
process stalled, and a judge declared the agreement in effect without
the full agreement of one or both parents; and/or they...
-
couldn't cooperatively update the agreement
to adapt to family changes like kids changing schools, locations,
primary dwellings, or activities. And/or one or both ex mates...
-
are unaware of sending disrespectful
(inflammatory)
to the other co-parent by using the agreement to force their former partner to comply
with their needs and values (if you don't do __, we're going back to
court!"); and/or...
-
the original parenting agreement didn't plan
to include the needs and responsibilities of one or two future
stepparents and possible stepsiblings and proactive step-relatives; and/or...
-
one or both ex mates unconsciously need to use the
agreement to get revenge,
punish, "win," and/or justify excessive contact; and finally...
-
typical conflicted co-parents have no accessible media
resources or local
which can (a) identify these care problems accurately, and (b) offer
effective advice on how to avoid or
reduce them.
These common sources of post-divorce
parental disagreement are all symptoms of the real reasons for
conflict between ex mates and any new stepparents: they are unaware
of, and/or unable to resolve, up to nine post-divorce relationship barriers:
The two primal reasons are unseen
psychological
+ adult
(lack of basic knowledge.) Once a co-parent (a) becomes aware of, and
(b) accepts responsibility for these two conditions and their results, s/he
can start to reduce them over time for their and their kids' sakes.
In my experience since 1981, few
divorced mates are able to do this without
informed help.
A corollary
is that few attorneys, mediators, therapists, and domestic-court judges can
name or describe these nine barriers, or advise ex mates (and any
stepparents) on how to reduce them over time. I propose that they each have
a moral responsibility to correct this,
once they're aware of it.
The common tragic results are (a) co-parents and other involved people keep
focusing fruitlessly on the surface issues ("You must take Jenny to
church every Sunday!"), (b) the underlying primary problems (above) fester
and grow, and (c) minor kids' needs go
unfilled, (d) forcing them to
psychological wounds to
their
environment.
This is a pretty gloomy picture, isn't it? The good news is - once aware of
the concepts above, co-parents really can reduce their core problems and
raise their multi-home family's nurturance level over time. How can they
(you) do this?
Continue with
Options for resolving parenting disputes...
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