Effective Stepchild Discipline - p. 5 of 7

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The Web address of this three-page article is http://sfhelp.org/sf/co/discipline.htm

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Co-parent Profile

        In what follows, "co-parent" means a single or re-partnered bioparent or a part-time or full-time step-parent, or other adult caregiver. Stepfamilies vary widely in composition and structure. See where you fit among this partial array of possible stepchild-discipline scenarios: T = true, F = false, and ? = "It depends (on what?)" or "I'm not sure." Change the wording if needed to suit your situation.

I'm _ a childless, first-time stepmother or stepfather, or _ a stepparent and a  bioparent, or _ a divorcing and/or re/married bioparent. 

I'm a _ full-time (custodial) or _ part-time co-parent, or both.  (T  F ?)

I can name _ over five of kids' normal developmental needs, and _ at least 10 of the ~30 special family-adjustment needs of typical minor stepkids now (T  F ?)

I usually enjoy having babies / kids / teens / in my home and life now (T  F ?)

Each stepchild in our family has grieved her or his biofamily's breakup well enough. (T  F  ?)

My stepkid/s is/are _ under six years old; _ between six and puberty, _ adolescents, _ over 18, or _ several of these.

I genuinely respect each resident or visiting stepchild as a person of equal dignity and worth to me, despite any "bad chemistry" or behavioral "problems." (T  F  ?)

I enjoy my role as a co-parent often enough. (T  F ?)

We mates are _ clear that we all are a multi-home stepfamily, and _ we each know specifi-cally what that identity means. (T  F ?)

Your mate’s actions (vs. words) usually say "In conflicts and non-emergencies, our relation-ship usually ranks second with me, behind my health and integrity;" vs. "My child/ren usual-ly come first with me."  (T  F ?)

We mates agree on what "effective" child discipline is. (T  F ?)

Each of  our stepfamily's coparents can clearly describe their specific nurturing responsibili-ties now.  (T  F  ?)

From 1 (very different) to 10 (very similar), my and my partner’s values and styles of child discipline are about a ___.

I generally discipline to guide, teach, and protect via respectful assertion and reasonable consequences; vs. to force obedience and order by punishing - i.e. causing pain, fear, shame, and guilt. (T  F ?

Our other co-parents have the same disciplinary goals.  (T  F  ?)

My partner's ex mate is _ dead and well-grieved, or _ alive and actively involved in co-paren-ting, or _ seldom heard from;

On a scale from 1 (very harmonious) to 10 (very stressful), recent relations between your stepchild's bioparents are about a ___.

(a) all your co-parents know the difference between fighting and problem solving now; and (b) you all experience few of these communication blocks in discussing child discipline in and between our homes. (T  F  ?)

My biological and step relatives _ fully accept my role as stepparent, and respect _ my style of stepchild discipline enough. (T  F ?)

My stepchild/ren would agree that the disciplinary _ rules and _ consequences in their two homes are usually similar enough. (T  F ?)

All our co-parents and important relatives share an effective strategy now for identifying and resolving _ loyalty and _ values conflicts and _ relationship triangles in and between our minor kids' homes. (T  F ?)

All our stepfamily adults can answer most of these stepfamily questions accurately now.
(T  F  ?)

        This incomplete list suggests how many factors shape what kind of stepchild-discipline problems you co-parents have, why, and possible options for reducing them. You can see why it’s likely you'll probably have several internal and interpersonal conflicts over "stepchild discipline" occurring at once.

        This Web site proposes that most role and relationship "problems" are usually symptoms of unmet primary needs. Though every stepfamily is unique, there are...

Common Surface Discipline Problems

        Check any that are “significant” now in or between your co-parenting home/s…

_ 1)  Your stepchild ignores or disobeys you too often, and your attempts to improve this aren't working;

_ 2)  You feel uncomfortable with and/or unsure of your authority to discipline your stepchild;

_ 3)  You feel criticized about how you discipline your stepchild by someone whose opinion matters;

_ 4)  You feel too little (disciplinary) support from your partner - i.e. you feel "It's me against them" too        often;

_ 5)  You feel significantly disliked and/or disrespected by a minor or adult stepchild, and often feel hurt,        resentful, torn, angry, and guilty;

_ 6)  You and your mate disagree on some aspect of (step)child discipline, and can't resolve your differ-       ences well enough;

_ 7)  Someone is upset because you seem to discipline your biokid/s differently than your stepkid/s;

_ 8)  You honestly don't like or respect a stepchild, which biases your discipline despite your best efforts;

_  9)  Your partner's ex mate or another relative has significantly opposed or sabotaged your co-parenting          authority and/or your efforts to discipline their child; and/or...

_ 10)  You mates often disagree: s/he...

• wants you to (want to) discipline her or his child differently (e.g. more strict / less strict / more friendship / more humor / more praise…); and...

• you don't really want to, or you don't know how.

        These are typical surface problems with stepchild discipline. The rest of this article outlines under-lying primary problems that are probably combining to cause your mix of these symptoms. Because this is a complex topic and your time (and patience?) is limited, the following is spare.

Primary-problems and Solutions

Get Ready...

        To get the most from these suggestions, I urge your co-parenting adults to study and discuss Lesson 7. This is like investing a month researching language, customs, laws, geography, and health conditions to enjoy spending a safe vacation in Madagascar or rural Peru. If you're too distracted or not truly motivated to do this preparation, I respectfully suggest you look elsewhere for help.

        Though co-parents in stepfamilies and biofamilies share the same goals, stepfamily childcare is usually far more complex and conflictual than traditional bioparenting. If you think prior parenting exper-ience and "common sense" empowers you to resolve your stepfamily “obedience” problems (i.e. you think Peru is "pretty much like home") - it probably doesn't!

        To successfully apply these co-parenting basics and the suggestions below, your adults will need to...

Adopt a long-term problem-solving outlook (e.g. 10-15 years) vs. short-term gratification ["I want Jenny to (want to) start cleaning up her room now."]

Adopt attitudes of family-adult teamwork: "This is our family problem" vs. "It's me or us against ___ here."

Really accept that "the problem" is not your stepchild, or "obedience," or "the mess in her room” (or whatever). It is almost certainly a mix of deeper adult and child needs that you mates and other co-parents must want to...

• uncover together,

• focus on one need at a time without blame or competition, and...

• patiently fill it together over time using your Lesson-2 communication skills.

You'll probably profit most by solving a whole class of primary discipline problems, vs. a string of individual problems. Option: frame a main co-parenting goal as “Evolve an effective way of resolving any ‘child-discipline’ problem in and between our co-parenting homes.”

Make sure you include both bioparents of each stepchild - even if one is absent or inactive.

Read, discuss, and experiment (a) with these options for analyzing and resolving any rela-tionship problem, and (b) how to communicate effectively with kids..

Work with your other co-parents toward effectively spotting and dismantling toxic stepfami-ly relationship triangles (a) among your subselves, and (b) between your adults and kids. Most family role and relationship conflicts involve internal relationship triangles, which need resolution before triangles between people can be avoided or dismantled.

     More ways to prepare to solve your "discipline" problems...

Accept that to get the results you want, you'll probably need to want to change something you value - e.g. a favorite value, vision of yourself and/or your stepfamily, or a perception. Notice your reaction...

Review the communication skill of digging down below surface problems to the primary unmet needs “beneath them.” Awareness, clear thinking, patience,  Finally,...

Be alert for any of these other stepparent-stepchild topics promoting your “disobedience” problem/s - specially stepparent-stepchild disrespect, distrust, and boundary and/or visitation conflicts.

        When your family adults have invested time and energy in these steps, you’re well prepared to...

Resolve Your Primary Problems Together

        Suggestion: read this whole article, and asterisk any relevant problems below. Then go back and research solutions to the starred items one at a time.

        Probably several of these problems are promoting your “obedience” frustration. We’ll explore three groups of solution-options: problems with...

• you and/or your mate,

• your stepchild/ren, and with...

• other people, like ex mates and grandparents.

        Except for # 1, the 31 problem-solutions below all assume your true Self (capital "S") is in charge of your other personality subselves. If not, lower your expectations.

Problems With You and/or Your Mate

        1) One or both of you (a) are significantly ruled by a false self, and (b) may have re/married the wrong persons, for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time. Our unremarked American re/divorce epidemic suggests this is true for most stepfamily co-parents. A common symptom is one or both of you feeling overwhelmed by a combination of these “stepchild-discipline” and other stepfamily-relationship problems, and being unable to focus and resolve primary problems like these effectively. See # 11.

Options: Prioritize work on co-parent Lesson 1 and even if you're re/married. Evolve and work a personal wound- recovery plan as needed. Learn from your stepfamily decisions, clarify the purpose of your life, use these wise guidelines, and tend your needs and dreams a day at a time. If your and/or your mate's well-intentioned false selves dominate you, they may promote primary problems like these:

        2) A bioparent ranks their child/ren’s needs higher than their mate’s (i.e. more than their  re/mar-riage). If so, your primary problems are your (a) inner wounds, (b) re/marital choices, and (c) relationship priorities, not stepchild obedience or discipline!

Options: (a) identify your and your mate’s real recent priorities, and (b) who has been making them - your true Self or other subselves. (c) Use Project 7 to assess whether one or both of you made up to three unwise re/marital choices. Then (d) assess your primary needs, and (e) trust your Self (capital "S") to choose the right course. Another possible primary problem is...

         3) Your false self misperceives neutral feedback about your child discipline as criticism, and your subselves are excessively defensive, guilty, and/or angry at someone.

Options: (a) put your Self in charge, and (b) try empathic listening (“hearing checks”) with each critic to validate what s/he’s trying to express; then (c) dig down to reveal what they (and you) really need, and (d) fill those needs as mutually-respectful teammates.

         Problem 4) You're reacting disrespectfully or harshly to your stepchild (attitude: “ I'm 1-up") because (a) your ruling subselves feel disrespected and ignored too often, and (b) don’t trust your Self to protect them. Your behavior is evoking your partner's instinctive protectiveness and criticism (rescuing), which increases antagonisms, distrusts, and divisive relationship triangles among you all. Restated: your attitude + the way you provide discipline is promoting the problem.

Options: (a) put your Self in charge via Lesson 1, (b) clarify your and your stepchild's primary needs, (c) work patiently to improve your dig-down, assertion, and listening skills (Lesson 2), and (d) ask for objective help in learning to (e) assert your needs + limits + consequences respectfully to your stepchild, regardless of her or his behavior.

         5) You and/or your mate deny or minimize your identity as a stepfamily. This promotes (a) unrealistic family-role expectations of yourself, your partner, and/or your stepchild; and/or (b) unresolved role (values and responsibility) conflicts - e.g. "I'm an adult, so my stepchild must respect and obey me." Wrong!

Options: Review Lesson 7 and use this worksheet together. Then (c) compare how you’re trying to disci-pline against these basics. If you can find other veteran co-parents, (d) ask for a reality-check on your ideas and practices about disciplining stepchildren the ages of yours.

       You’re hunting for unrealistic expectations (without blame!) so you can adjust them for better out-comes over time. While you’re at it, reality-check your partner’s stepfamily-role expectations too!  If useful, consider consulting with informed family-life professionals. Accept that some “mistakes” are inevitable as you all learn your alien new roles together!

         Problem 6) You and your mate are arguing about child discipline to (a) generate excitement in a boring relationship or life and/or (b) to avoid facing scary personal or re/marital realities. Implication: some of your personality subselves don't want to resolve these "discipline" disputes, for they serve a vital protective purpose! A symptom is repeatedly trying first-order (superficial) disciplinary changes that don't work.

Options: (a) put your Selves in charge via Lesson 1, (b) review your true general and re/marital needs honestly, and (c) use "parts work" to identify which subselves are preventing your filling your key needs, and why. (d) Invite your partner to do the same, (e) re/do Project 7 to reassess your re/marital choices, and (e) consider using informed professional help to convert avoidance fears into win-win problem solving (Lesson 2).

Continue with options for resolving more possible causes of your "stepchild discipline" problems. First - pause, breathe, and notice your self talk.

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Updated  February 15, 2010