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This is excerpted and adapted from the Web article "Typical
Stepkids' Four Sets of Needs.* Numbers in parentheses ( ) refer to other
concurrent needs in that article. Typical
adults have most of the same adjustment
needs.
Many
U.S. kids are under 20 when their birthfamily reorganizes from one parent
moving out. Legal "divorce"
(a legal/social process) doesn't
these kids unless parents have
inadequate boundaries or make them participate. What does stress typical kids is
how all
three phases of "divorce" block them from filling their normal
developmental and other
core needs.
Often, kids' protective denial of
family trouble breaks and personal stress (anxiety, shame, guilt, rage,
confusion) soars when one parent physically
leaves their home and may not return. The family dynamics that led
to that leaving have usually had profound psychological
impacts on each family child and adult.
Many
factors determine each child's reactions to family restructuring from
parental death, psychological divorce, and/or separation - e.g. age, gender, birth-order, extended family
presence and coherence, ethnicity, finances, education... Generally, the
lower a child's psycho-spiritual
nurturance has been before parental separation or death, the more trouble
s/he will have in filling her or his (a) developmental, (b) psychological-healing,
and (c) family-adjustment needs below.
|
Because all three sets of needs overlap,
it
may take an average minor child (or adult) 10-15 years to stabilize, vs.
fill,
their set of needs below. Kids (and adults) whose stepfamily breaks up must
fill these needs a second time. Numbering continues from prior adjustment
tasks. |
_ 36)
Make sense out of (a) why one parent left them and (b) why their biofamily came
apart. This is part of the mental phase of grieving;
_ 37)
Learn and accept that they didn't cause their parent to leave;
_ 38)
Change their views of one or both parents from hero/ine to “flawed and still
lovable” special adults. This task may include forgiving one or both
parents;
_ 39)
Grieve many
concrete and
abstract losses (broken emotional bonds), over years.
Parental (a) dwelling moves and normal and special (b)
visitations may cause waves of recurring losses for all adults and children (8, 27, 31, 32);
_ 40)
Heal unwarranted
guilts
("I did bad things that made them divorce") and new
shame
["I’m too bad of a person, so Dad (Mom) left me / us"] (5, 26);
_ 41)
Draw clear new personal
boundaries:
separate themselves from their parents' and relatives conflicts without
undue guilt, anxiety, and shame (4, 5, 29);
_ 42)
Re/build trust (reduce anxiety) that adult caregivers and authorities will not reject
or abandon them, despite the child’s major problems and (self-perceived)
"flaws" (5, 22, 30);
_ 43)
Build new trust (reduce anxiety) that living bioparents and key sibs and relatives
are safe, healthy, and happy enough after the separation and divorce/s (5,
22, 30);
_ 44) Adjust
to many new roles,
rules, and living conditions, including
(eventual) parental dating, and new post-separation responsibilities like
taking more care of their home, themselves, younger sibs, or an overwhelmed
bioparent (2, 3, 6, 9, 18, 32).
This task often is compounded by learning new and sometimes clashing roles and
rules in two bioparental homes, plus inter-home visitation rituals. If
a child came from a significantly low-nurturance
biofamily, s/he will probably shuttle between two low-nurturance homes
after parental separation. There are many exceptions!; And many kids need
to ...
_ 45)
Cope with one or both bioparents using them as a weapon, spy,
lure, confidant, or courier in ongoing relations with their other
bioparent, and/or key relatives. This is specially likely when (a) parents battle in
court over child support, custody, and/or visitations; and when (b) one or both bioparents verbally attack or revile the other parent in front
of the child (4, 5, 29); Kids (and adults) also need to...
_ 46)
Adjust their personal and family identities over time to
"OK divorced (or bereaved) [ boy / son / brother / relative
] or [ girl / daughter / sister / relative ]" (4, 24, 26, 29); and...
_ 47)
Find and accept healthy
surrogate nurturing, where biofamily nurturing is
inadequate. This is specially vital if their custodial bioparent is
overwhelmed and regressed (dominated by a
(10, 21, 22, 26); And
over time, typical kids need to ...
_ 48)
Re/build authentic feelings of personal security, confidence,
optimism, and hope for their future as a whole, and as a competent adult,
spouse, wage-earner, and (potential) parent (18, 19, 20, 35).
+ + +
How
long do you think the average child of parental separation or death would take to
fill their set of these 12 adjustment needs, while (a) progressing on their 25
developmental needs, burdened by (b) signif-icant
Also
see...
-
this article for all four
sets of needs typical stepkids have,
-
these
questions kids might ask
you,
-
read this perspective on the
full meaning of "divorce,"
and/or...
-
view these
slides on divorce and
divorce-recovery.
Pause, breathe well, and reflect... What are you thinking and feeling now?
Do you recall why you read this? Did you get what you needed? If not - what
you need now?
Who's
these questions - your wise resident
or
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