Lesson 7 of 8  - evolve and enjoy a nourishing stepfamily

Am I Committing to the Right Co-parents?

A Courtship Checklist

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member, NSRC Expert Council

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/sf/date/co_p.htm

        Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so please turn off your brow-ser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site. If the windows distract you, read the checklist before opening any

        This is the second in a series of worksheets to help courting partners with prior kids choose the right people to commit to (partner + co-parents + any stepkids + their relatives). Related worksheets help commit for the right reasons, at the right time. If you and your courtship partner have no kids from prior unions, go here.

  Why this Worksheet?

        It's widely estimated that well over half of typical U.S. stepfamilies eventually divorce legally or psychologically. One of five reasons for this is that needy, wounded, unaware mates make up to three unwise commitment choices in courtship - including committing to the wrong people.

        Unlike intact one-home biofamilies, typical nuclear stepfamilies live in two or more linked homes, managed by three or more related co-parents (stepparents and bioparents). If you're seriously dating a single parent, you’re considering commitment to a decades-long emotional, financial, and legal relationship with her or his kids, ex mate/s, and relatives (living or dead), too.

       If your and/or your partner’s ex mate has a new mate - or may choose one - you’re considering commitment to an ongoing relationship with that person, their values and priorities, and all the kids and relatives emotionally, legally, and financially important to both of them.

        Even if you’re committing to the right partner, if any related co-parents are likely to cause you mates and kids ongoing role and relationship conflicts, your odds of eventual re/divorce rise. Trying to minimize or ignore co-parenting ex-mates and their relatives is usually a major ongoing stressor in and between your related homes. 

       Use this checklist to assess your compatibility with each other adult you and your partner may raise kids with if you commit to each other. If you or your partner were married before but conceived or adopted no children, you probably won’t need to rate that ex unless there are important unfinished legal, emotional, or financial ties.

  Directions

        Fill out this right co-parent checklist if you...

  • Are confident that your true Self is steadily guiding your personality (your other subselves) - otherwise you risk skewed responses here; so focus on Lesson 1. And...

  • You have thoughtfully filled out the right partner checklist; and... 

  • You're _ a divorced or widowed bioparent considering remarriage and _ you have one or more living minor or grown biokids and/or adopted kids; and/or..

  • You're seriously considering commitment to a single parent.

Prepare by reading and discussing these:

  • the introduction to this Web site, and these premises underlying it;

  • basic stepfamily information - article or slides;

  • what it means to be in a typical stepfamily;

  • five reasons for epidemic U.S. divorces,

  • the core causes of most stepfamily role and relationship problems

  • 16 common courtship danger signs,

  • a real-life example of a new stepfamily, and...

  • how typical stepfamilies develop.

        If other links in these articles interest you, read them first also. The more you know, the more these courtship worksheets will make sense to you and your partner.

        Ideally, you partners will use this worksheet after investing significant time and effort in these self-study Lessons. Impatience with or reluctance to work at them suggests you may be ruled by a protective false self.

Define specifically who belongs to your nuclear stepfamily. If either of you partners balks at including each of your stepkids' bioparents and any other stepparents, discuss this.

Print this checklist and put initials or a name in each open column below for an ex-mate’s new partner, if any.

Don’t check a main item unless all "_" subparts are checked. Use "?" if you’re unsure. Fudging on your answers here puts you and any minor kids at risk of bitter heartache and painful re/divorce trauma.

If any item is inappropriate, skip it or mark it "N/A"

Fill this checklist out by yourself to avoid your partner's presence biasing your answers. When you've both filled out copies, then compare and discuss your results honestly.

To guard against your answering what you want, rather then what is, consider using knowledgeable, unbiased help in reality-checking your assessments below...

Take your time! Your decision on stepfamily commitment is one of the most complex and far reaching decisions you'll ever make - specially if either of you have minor and/or future biokids depending on you to choose wisely!

If you feel these worksheets are "too complicated" and/or "too much work," you're (a) probably controlled by a well-meaning false self, which is (b) unintentionally setting you and any kids up for major stress and possible divorce. See this for options.

Note that almost all the factors below are unique to stepfamily-courtship decisions.

Am I Committing to the Right People? Check each co-parent who fits each item

My Ex

 ___ Your Ex ___ Part 2:  Right-Co-parent Traits
        1)  S/He is _ now willing to clearly evaluate whether s/he has significant psycho-logical wounds from a low-nurturance childhood. If s/he has already evaluated this, _ I solidly agree with her/his conclusion.
        2)  If I think s/he is significantly wounded, _ s/he is clearly in a self-motivated recovery program now that I trust is effective enough; or if not recovering yet, _ s/he’s willing to talk openly and seriously about wound-reduction with me/us.
        3)  S/He now clearly accepts that _ if my partner and I commit, we’ll all form or expand a multi-home stepfamily together which will be _ very different from a typical one-home intact biofamily.
        4)  S/He clearly accepts now that it’s in our minor kids’ best interest that all of the adults in our kids' two or more related homes co-operate as a team on most child-care matters.
        5)  S/He _ wants to learn about the 60+ major differences between typical stepfamilies and intact biofamilies and _ has begun doing so; or _ says s/he will, soon enough for me.
        6)  S/He can now _ clearly define the three levels of healthy grieving, _ five or more key behavioral signs of incomplete grief, and _ s/he can say clearly why these are important to us all.
        7)  S/He seems to be independent enough emotionally and financially from her or his parents and other key kin.
        8)  S/He _ seems to have mourned the losses (broken bonds) from any former partnerships and family endings well enough, and _ clearly seems to be motivated to move on with life.
        9)  His/Her co-parental relationship with each minor and grown child in our stepfamily seems consistently balanced enough _ to me _ and my partner - i.e. s/he's neither emotionally enmeshed nor too distant and "indifferent."
        10)  S/He seems content enough now with current _ child custody, _ visitation, and _ financial support arrangements, including insurance, taxes, and wills, for each of the kids in our stepfamily.
        11)  It seems highly unlikely now that _ s/he would legally sue us for changes in any of these, or that _ we would ever have to sue her/him.
        12)  S/He_ now has a clear idea of the 30+ special adjustment needs that average minor stepkids must fill, or _ s/he is clearly open and self-motivated to learn about them now.
        13)  I really trust that s/he’ll work co-operatively with us to assess each of our minor and grown kids, to learn where they need our help filling their set of developmental and family adjustment needs.
        14)  S/He _ clearly understands the key differences between fighting, avoiding, or arguing, and win-win problem-solving; and _ seems truly self-motivated to do the latter with us now when we adults conflict on stepfamily co-parenting matters.
        15)  S/He is (or they are) clearly and consistently in charge of their home, vs. strong-willed kids, kin, ancestors, or others.
        16)  I _ generally respect her/his parenting values, goals, judgment, and behavior, and _ I feel s/he usually respects mine enough.
        17) I trust that s/he is clearly not currently addicted to _ a substance (including food, nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, prescription drugs, and street drugs); _ an activity (including work; working out; worship; a hobby; earning, spending, or saving money; etc.) or _ a relationship (including a parent, a child, or ex mate); or that s/he’s solidly committed to a self-motivated addiction-control program that seems effective enough to me now.
        18)  I/we can usually _ talk and _ listen to her/him comfortably enough, and _ problem-solve effectively enough, on co-parenting issues that effect me or us, now.
        19) I’m consistently comfortable enough with the _ frequency and the _ ways s/he and my partner communicate and relate now.
My Ex ___ Your Ex ___ Am I Committing to the Right People?
Part 2: Right-Co-parent Traits (concluded)
        20)  S/He seems open enough to evolving a clear division of child-care responsibilities among all of us co-parents.
             21)  S/he’s seems generally comfortable enough with my providing part-time or full-time stepparenting discipline, guidance, and support for our minor and grown stepchildren.
        22)  I fully trust this person to be honest and direct in all verbal and written co-parenting communications with _ me, _ us, _ related kin, _ all our stepfamily children, and _ any key supporters.
        23)  S/He seems open enough to _ all of us co-parents evolving an effective mission statement for our multi-home stepfamily, and to _ use it with us to help make healthy long-range stepfamily decisions.
        24)  I’m usually comfortable enough with each of our minor and grown kids’ relationships with this person now.
            25)  Overall, I feel s/he is an asset (vs. a liability, big problem, or stressor) to our multi-home stepfamily now.
            26)  As I finish this courtship-inventory section, I am _ calm and relaxed (vs. anxious, confused, or numb); and I’m _ genuinely looking forward to discussing my answers with my partner and key others in our stepfamily. I _ feel my true Self filled out this inventory.

       Notice how you feel now, and where your thoughts go. What did you learn from filling out this worksheet? Is there anything you need to do now? Does the proposal that one cause of widespread stepfamily stress is that needy, unaware co-parents impulsively commit to the wrong people seem more credible?

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Continue Lesson 7 by filling out the next courtship worksheet - "Am I committing to the right stepkids?" Do you need a break first?

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Updated March 06, 2010