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This is first of a series of lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
LESSON 7 - evolve and enjoy a high-nurturance stepfamily
Families exist to nurture
-
i.e. to fill their members'
basic needs. Depending
on many factors, fami-lies (like yours) range from low-nurturance to
high-nurturance. This lesson uses the ideas in
lessons 1-6 and additional in formation to propose how to form and keep (a)
a flourishing re/marriage and (b) an en-during,
high-nurturance
stepfamily.
Typical divorcing families and stepfamilies are at special
risk of passing on the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle
and being vulnerable to these
hazards.
Objectives -
Using the knowledge from lessons 1-6, this lesson will
empower you to...
understand the many
differences between complex stepfamilies and intact biofamilies,
make wise stepfamily courtship decisions,
form realistic stepfamily expectations,
patiently resolve many
role and relationship problems, and...
achieve a stable,
high-nurturance stepfamily over some years.
This unique
Lesson is based on 30 years' full-time clinical research on
stepfamily norms, realities, and dynamics.
These
four modules are best begun in courtship, and
can be
very useful afterwards:
1) Learn stepfamily basics
2) Essential courtship tasks
(to make informed commitment decisions)
3) Effective co-parenting
basics (stepparenting and bioparenting), and...
4) Solve common role and
relationship problems,
Options
check off
each assignment after you
complete it to track your progress. Expect to take at least
6-8 weeks to fully understand, discuss, and integrate
the concepts in Lesson 7.
keep a
journal or log as you study these assignments to track you reactions and
aware-nesses. Your log can provide a source of rich
perspective in the future.
If you're
not already in a stepfamily, think of one you know
and keep them in mind as you study. Ask the adults to
comment on what you learn here.
Study
these assignments with a partner (or
group)
that shares your interest in learning.
Lesson
7, Module
1 - Learn Stepfamily Basics
A major cause of stepfamily stress and divorce is adult
unawareness and ignorance of stepfamily norms and realities.
A high percentage of available stepfamily print and online
information and programs are anecdotal and superficial (i.e.
not based on Lessons 1-6 here).
This first module results from 30 year's full-time
professional research into stepfamily norms, dynamics, and
problem-solutions. If this Lesson seems complex - IT
IS. So is re/divorce.
__ 7-1)
Review the common traits
of a high-nurturance family (Lesson 1)
__ 7-2) Review
_ the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle that burdens many
(step)families (Lesson 5), and _
the
five hazards it poses for
typical stepfamily adults.
__ 7-3) Scan
this glossary to
familiarize yourself with key terms and definitions.
__ 7-4)
Take this stepfamily quiz to see how
much you know already.
__ 7-5)Get an overview of
typical adults and kids who form stepfamilies.
__ 7-6)
Read this real example
of a typical new stepfamily.
My clinical and personal experience is that typical
needy stepfamily couples make impulsive, un-informed
courtship choices - and later regret them.
This Module uses Lessons 1-6 and
Module 1 to help courting partners choose the right people to commit to, for the right reasons, at the
right time. These arti-cles can still be very
useful after committing
__ 7-19)
Retake this
quiz on healthy-relationship basics, and re-study
Lesson-4 topics as
needed.
__ 7-23) Consider the
benefits of forging and using a
stepfamily mission statement
__ 7-24) Discuss and apply this
overview of making three wise courtship choices
__ 7-25) Study and heed
these 16 common stepfamily-courtship danger
signs
__ 7-26)Poll your stepfamily
adults to see who fully accepts (a) your
identity as a multi-home
stepfami- ly, and (b) what that
means.
If you discover
significant ambivalence or disputes,yellow light!
__ 7-27) Seek agreement among
your stepfamily adults on who
belongs to your stepfamily now.
If you
discover
significant ambivalence or disputes,
yellow light!
__ 7-28) Learn the 16 things new stepfamilies need to
merge,
and how to master related
stressors.
__ 7-29) Invest in
reading and discussing the unique guidebook Stepfamily Courtship (Xlibris, 2002). It
integrates all the key idea in this Web site.
__ 7-30) Each of you
thoughtfully fill out these multi-page worksheets alone,
when you're undistracted and your true Self is
guiding you:
Take
your time with these worksheets, and pay attention to your
thoughts and feelings. They're as instructive
as your answers.
__ 7-31) When
you're both done, evaluate your findings together -
honestly. If you each feel confident
you're choosing the right people to commit
to, for the right reasons, at the right time - celebrate
and set the date!
__ 7-32) Review and
discuss these brief
research
summaries about primary relationships.
__ 7-33) Use this
framework to help plan your
stepfamily commitment ceremony and honeymoon. They're
usually much more complicated than traditional
rites.
Effective childcare is much more complex in
multi-home stepfamilies than typical intact biofamilies.
There are more kids, more co-parents, more relatives, more
role confusion, fewer social norms, and more concurrent
adjustment tasks to master cooperatively.
Most new-stepfamily
co-parents (and all kids) are unaware of these complexities,
and don't know how to balance and master them.
Based on 30 years' professional research, this
module offers clear, practical in formation on
ef-fective ways of managing these stressors IF
family adults have committed to make significant
pro-gress on Lessons 1-6 and Modules 1 and 2 above.
Take your time, and do these assignments in order. Ideally,
all the adults in your stepfamily and any professional
supporter will do these together. Do NOT work on this
module without completing Les-sons 1-6 and Modules 1 and 2
above! Also, do NOT expect these modules to
provide a quick answer to
any stepfamily
crisis!
__ 7-34)
Retake this quiz on
effective-parenting basics, and restudy
Lesson 6 as needed.
__ 7-35)
Review these ideas on why and how to make and use a
stepfamily mission (vision)
statement as an
effective co-parenting guide. A thoro statement will refer
to or include an informedfamily grieving
policy (Lesson 3).
__ 7-46)
Learn ways to minimize disputes over child custody
__ 7-47)
Read and adapt theseimportantdifferences between
stepparenting and traditional bioparen- ting.
Few stepfamily adults can name them and what they mean.
__ 7-48) Study and discuss _ these
basic ideas on
effective child discipline (Lesson 6), and then _
these extended guidelines for effective stepfamily child
discipline.
__ 7-49)
Consider these ideas about improving co-parental
teamwork
Module
3b - Special Co-parenting Issues
Every stepfamily faces common and unique problems. Do the
following "assignments" if they pertain to your multi-home
stepfamily:
__ 7-60) Retake and discuss this
quiz on
effective parenting
__ 7-61) Consider
investing in my unique guidebook Build a Co-parenting Team After Divorce and Remarriage (Xlibris
2002). It builds on three related
guidebooks, and integrates the resources in
this Lesson-7 Module.
Lesson
7, Module 4 -
Solve
Stepfamily Role and
Relationship Problems
Every evolving
family has conflicts over member roles (responsibilities)
and relationships.
These conflicts are more complex and more frequent in
typical stepfamilies because they have more members,
relationships, roles,
and
stressors,
and fewer social norms to guide them.
The steps in this fourth module use everything you've
learned so far in this Break the Cycle! course.
__ 7-66) Review
these symptoms of
incomplete grief, and these options for
ending it.
__ 7-67) Use these criteria to decide if you
have a pro-grief stepfamily, and _ write down your stepfami- ly's
grieving policy.
__ 7-68) Review how to analyze and
resolve most relationship problems (Lesson 4)
__ 7-69) Use this
menutolearn options for communicating well with common
problem-behaviors
__ 7-70)Use this menu of common
stepfamily problems to learn effective solution-options.
__ 7-71) Retake this
quiz on stepfamilies to
validate what you've learned here.
__ 7-72) Consider investing in the guidebook Build a High Nurturance Stepfamily (Xlibris.com, 2002). It complements the companion
guidebook Build a Co-parenting Team after divorce and
re/marriage.
+ + +
If you've
patiently studied Lessons 1-7, I congratulate you!
You now know more about personalities, relationships,
communication, grieving, families, parenting, and
stepfamilies than most laypeople and family professionals.
Does the claim "most family adults don't know what they
don't know" make more sense to you now?
Do you better
understand why I claim that...
there is little informed stepfamily
support available in communities and the media?
many re/marrying co-parents make uninformed
(unwise) commitment choices?
most printed and online stepfamily information is
superficial?
the inherited [wounds + unawareness] cycle is spreading
silently throughout our culture?
And why...
many stepfamily adults and most kids feel confused and
overwhelmed at times?
Recap
This seventh
self-study guide uses Lessons 1-6 to help adults (a) create and
maintain a high-nurturance stepfamily, (b) break the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle, and avoid (c) re/divorce. The guide breaks
this complex subject into four se-quential modules:.
Learn stepfamily basics,
Essential courtship tasks,
Effective co-parenting
basics (steppar-enting and bioparenting), and...
Solve common role and
relationship problems,
These modules are based on 30 years' pro-fessional research
on stepfamily dynamics, and personal experience as a
stepson, stepfather, stepbrother, and step-grandson.
The
last Lesson in this
Break the Cycle! course provides a practical way for you
to use this informa-tion and alert other people to it.
+ + +
Pause, breathe,
and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's
answering
these questions - your
true Self,
or
someone else?
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/sf/guide7.htm
Objectives -
Using the knowledge from lessons 1-6, this lesson will
empower you to...
Recap
The