Q1) What do typical new step-relatives
need to know?
Most U.S. stepfamilies form after parents divorce and one or both re/marry
and/or cohabit. To build healthy new relationships
and
harmony,
typical step-relatives must want to (a) learn some stepfamily
basics, and
to (b) fill some common
adjustment needs. Adults' motivations to do
these will depend on...
-
how
compatible,
and
the original
bio-relatives and former in-laws are with each other and each stepchild,
-
their
attitudes about key
topics,
-
the
frequency and nature (uncomfortable > enjoyable) of their contacts, and...
-
the adults' other
To promote a stable
environment for stepkids and
step-grandkids, average step-relatives must want to...
accept their stepfamily
and learn what it
to all of them; and...
learn the
that confront
typical stepfamily couples and
their kids; and...
admit and resolve confusions over
to their
new
and...
identify and heal any significant
and agree on how to guard
stepkids from them; and...
learn how typical
stepfamilies are
intact biofamilies,
how they differ; and
what these differences
mean:
_ family identity, name,
inclusion, and
confusions and conflicts, and...
_ major
and
conflicts
and relationship
to resolve while
up to 16 groups of
family "things," and...
_ webs of
to
mourn, and family
to adjust, and...
_ two or three sets of family-adjustment
needs
that
each minor stepchild needs
informed adult help with; and...
_ common adult
to overcome for
cooperative child nurturance; and...
_ many
to evolve, rank, and stabilize.
And to build a high-nurturance multi-generational family, typical
step-relatives must also want to...
Evolve a shared
long-term
outlook, and an effective way of
and
and...
Help each other implement a
thoughtful, cooperative biofamily-merger plan,
which includes intentional effort to...
Build and maintain (a) a realistic sense of their
individual and shared strengths and
gifts, and (b) healthy
in themselves as a unique, valuable family
in their community and nation.
Use these ideas as a guide to discuss and form your own shared opinions on
what high-nurturance step-relatives need to know and do.
How many stepfamily co-parents,
relatives, and supporters could describe something like this summary spontaneously?
Who's responsible in your stepfamily to see that all relatives understand
the original question, and perceive the major long-term benefits of working together
on options like these, over time?
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Q2)
What if some
relatives
disapprove of the re/marriage and/or a new stepparent?
Divorce usually implies that the mates and their ancestors are
significantly-
of
childhoods. During and after
legal
each member of an
ex-mates' extended family has their own set of (a) broken bonds
to
(b)
to adjust, and (c) opinions (values)
about marriage commitment and divorce conduct. Because of these variables,
new stepfamily mates and their kids can encounter relatives who...
-
haven't grieved well enough,
and/or...
-
disapprove of divorce and/or
remarriage in general, and/or..
-
dislike, distrust, or disrespect
the new stepperson and perhaps his or her family, religion, race, ancestry, or
social status (e.g. blue or white collar, college-educated or not, etc.);
and or...
-
are intrusive
and controlling, and/or...
-
not
interested in relating.
Family
are
significantly
affected by the quality of relations among steprelatives. If one or more
relatives disapprove of co-parents' re/marriage, cohabiting, and/or choice of
new partner, everyone will feel some ongoing stress, including minor kids.
The
this causes can
amplify other
to
co-parenting teamwork. This lowers the odds that step(grand)kids will get the help
they need filling their many
developmental
and family-adjustment needs.
The best time to recognize significant step-kin disapproval is during
courtship, as part of evaluating the
to
commit to
If
idealistic or romantic
rule partners'
they may
or protectively assume
that such disapproval will disappear
over time - and/or will mean little.
Options
Co-parents who feel
that some relatives' disapproval or rejection is a serious problem can...
themselves honestly for significant false-self
They may be causing atti-tudes and/or
behaviors that promote the relatives' disapproval;
evaluate the disapproving person/s for significant
wounds. If you find
symptoms, lower your expectations: it's unlikely that reasoning,
requests, and explanations will change the relative's
attitude or behavior. Watch for chances to alert the person/s to their
wounds and
options, and apply these wise
co-parents do a
check: if you feel intimidated by
(inferior to) or scornful of (superior to) the disapproving kinfolk, that will degrade your communication with
them and make relations worse. Identify what's
in the way of your seeing your and their dignities and personal
rights as equal, and decide if you want to
shift your attitude.
partners use their
skills to illuminate the
the
disapproval is causing your co-parents and kids. Then brainstorm and use the
other
communication
to
reduce those problems over time, within your limits;
co-parents evolve an effective strategy to spot and resolve
and
conflicts and
associated relationship
The relative's disapproval is
sure to trigger groups of these, specially around
holidays and family
celebrations.
empathically evaluate the disapproving relative/s for
of
incomplete
Their
"disapproval" or "rejection" may be signs that they haven't accepted prior
yet, and aren't ready to
form new
In any event, help each other
form and implement a
among
receptive relatives. See
Read and discuss
this and other relevant
for more perspective and
options.
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Q3)
What if a divorcing
parent's relatives want to keep their relationship with his or her ex
mate and/or
their relatives?
One
probability is significant
and relationship
- specially if grandkids are involved. If you're confronted with this,
consider options like these...
ensure
that your
are
your
via
and...
clarify your
long-term
and
and...
refresh your awareness of
everyone's equal human rights, and...
review each involved child's current
status on filling many special needs, and...
widen your perspective by reviewing
the status of any major
to co-parenting
among
your homes; and...
empathically to see what each of your co-parents, kids, and
kin really
short and long term; and...
decide what options are
most likely to promote personal
of
false-self
and
over the long term, vs.
overfocusing on a past or upcoming family event. Then...
together to see if there's an acceptable
compromise that fills everyone's main
needs well enough. If there isn't, honor your
and
priorities without
seek any needed
and
heed these wise
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Q4)
Can a divorced mom
or dad block their ex mate's parents or relatives from seeing their
(grand)children?
Socially, yes. Legally, it depends on the state's family-law statutes, and
whether the stepparent legally adopted their stepchild/ren. If a
parent tries to block their former in-laws from seeing their biochildren,
it's highly likely that one or more of the adults are...
It's also likely that without
family adults (a) assessing honestly for each of these
in
and (b)
together to discover the
bioparent's
that everyone will stay
fruitlessly focused on surface problems.
That means divisive
and relationship
will inexorably grow over time. This will
hinder
healthy
and
lower the stepfamily's
which will
promote
of all dependent and
kids.
Ex-steprelatives using
legal force to get contact with their
former in-law's kids is clear evidence of all three root problems above. Using
attorneys instead of facing these problems will inexorably hurt every-one.
Inter-family court battles always amplify disrespect, distrust, hurt,
anger, and resentments. This will
stepfamily relationships for many years
- and amplify pain and wounds for all the kids involved.
Review the "kin" and other articles
here to
see if any are relevant in your situation.
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Answers about stepfamily relatives
continue on p. 2.
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Questions you
should ask about stepfamily
relatives