The Web address of this
article is
https://sfhelp.org/sf/problems.htm
Updated
06-01-2015
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This brief YouTube video previews what you'll find in this article. The
video mentions eight lessons in this Web site: I've reduced that to seven.
This is one of a series of Lesson-7 articles
on howtoevolve a
high-nurturance
stepfamily. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
several
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home
nuclear stepfamily.
.
This article summarizes three levels of common stressors in
typical
divorcing
families and stepfamilies: surface > intermediate > primary. Most family adults
and human-service professionals focus only on the surface
level, so the underlying problems go
unresolved and the surface symptoms recur. Once aware of these
problem-levels, family adults can work together to resolve their primary
problems and raise their family's nurturance level.
All adults and kids want stable, safe, satisfying relationships and
families. The size and scope of the coaching, counseling, and therapy professions
suggest how elusive these prizes are. Based on
36 years'
research and clinical experience,I propose why this
is and what you can do about it.
This article assumes you're familiar with...
the
intro to this Web site
and the premises underlying
it
all personal and social "problems" are unfilled
psychological + spiritual + physical needs
(discomforts); [ Agree /
Disagree / ? (It depends on...) ]
all families and relationships exist to nurture (fill
personal needs). Some nurture better than others. (A D ?)
typical needs range between surface,
intermediate, and primary; and immediate to long-term. (A D ?)
most people aren't trained or motivated to
distinguish between
stressful surface "problems" and the unfilled primary needs
that cause them - i.e. they don't know what they don't know. (A
D ?)
To
make what follows more vivid, pause now and mentally identify the top three
interpersonal things that are causing you significant "stress" (worry,
frustration, guilt, shame, resentment, hurt, anxiety, dread, etc). See what level these
stressors are per the
following table...
Typicaldivorcing families and stepfamilies have
a mix of three levels of concurrent problems:
Level 1) Typical
SURFACE Problems over...
finances - asset and debt
ownership and management, including investing, child
support, insurance, and estate plans
public and media unawareness and denials of the
lethal [wounds + unawareness]
cycle and its toxic
effects. This results in
legislation and policies allowing...
unwise marriages and unqualified child conceptions,
and,,,
ineffective parenting and
low-nurturance families, and...
widespread child
neglect and abuse.
These promote...
serious psychological wounding,
and spreading these toxic effects down the generations.
Have you ever seen this three-level concept before? Does it seem
credible? Would you agree that average adults, all kids, and many
human-service professionals are unaware of this concept?
Implications
When you have significant personal, relationship,
and/or family "problems" (level 1 above) you're probably
unaware of what's really causing them. If so, your efforts to
solve the problems probably won't fill your primary needs
permanently.
That promotes frustration, arguments, self-doubt, self-criticism, shame
("stress") and re/divorce.
When people you care about have significant personal and relationship problems, you
may be able to provide temporary (surface) help - but unless you all identify their underlying
(level 2) needs, their surface discomforts will
probably return in some form.
Notice
your thoughts now...
If your family's adults don't commit to learning (a) the level-2 topics above and (b) how
to
dig down from surface problems to
discern your primary needs (levels 2 and 3 above), then...
the
nurturance-level of your family and relationships will be lower than it could be, and...
your psychologically-wounded kids will leave home not knowing how to discern and resolve
their primary problems. This will...
inexorably stress them, spread the
unseen [wounds + unawareness]
cycle, and weaken our society.
If you're used to being controlled by well-meaning, short-sighted
false selves, you risk focusing on surface (level 1) problems; achieving far less than
your true potential as a worthy, talented person; and
dying prematurely.
If you don't
alert other people to
what you read here - specially parents and teachers, who will?
Options
Grow
the habits of...
checking to see if your true Self is
guiding you, and...
asking yourself "What do I
really need here?" in stressful and
confusing situations; Then...
Learn
to
dig down to uncover your primary needs, and then use win-win
problem-solving to fill them effectively.
Practice applying these
ageless
guidelines
to your life and teaching them to young people; and...
Continue
studying and applying the concepts and tools in Lessons
1 thru 7,
and encourage others to do the same.
Recap
This article proposes that human "problems" are
unfilled needs -
i.e. physical,
emotional, and spiritual discomforts. Problems often come in clusters
which
need to be prioritized to avoid confusion and overwhelm.
The
article illustrates three levels of typical adult problems in average
divorcing and step families: surface > intermediate > primary. Until
adults identify their underlying needs, their surface problems will
keep recurring.
Learning to use awareness and dig-down skills as teammates is an
effective way to discover current primary needs in any relationship. Then use the other
five
communication skills in
Lesson 2 to satisfy
everyone's current needs well enough.
Learn something about yourself -
take this 1-question anonymous
poll.
Pause, b-r-e-a-t-h-e, and reflect.
What are your subselves
saying
now? Did you get what you needed from reading this? If so, what do you
need to do now? If not - what do you need? Who's
answering
- your wise
true Self or
''someone else''?
The Web address of this
article is
https://sfhelp.org/sf/problems.htm
Premises...
Level 2) Underlying INTERMEDIATE Problems
